Partner controlling own birthday plans

[womaninblue]

Name change just in case I'm recognised. My partner, D, and I have been together nearly 20 years. My partner's never been particularly interested in birthdays and I'm not someone who likes much of a fuss either, but we've always managed to do something a bit special for those big 0 birthdays.

D has a big birthday coming up in a month's time. Since last summer I've been proposing ways to celebrate and asking for ideas. I suggested booking a venue we both like and having a party with a live band that D loves. I suggested a trip to Iceland with friends to see the Northern Lights, which D's often talked about wanting to see. I suggested booking a large ski chalet and having a week's holiday with friends and family, which is also on D's bucket list. I'd done my research and found venues, hotels, chalets, activities and worked out what I could afford. I've put effort into this! Month after month I've nudged and it's been mmmmm, not sure, let me think about it, it might be nice but yes-but-no-but... to the point where I've given up. There have been no alternative suggestions.

People ask me what I've got planned and I say nothing and explain what's been going on. Some are surprised but those who know my partner well laugh about D's combination of indecisiveness and need to feel in control. This is an old pattern. If there's somewhere I really want to go or something I want to do and D does this mmm, maybe, but... number I've learned over the years to book it for myself and nine times out of ten, having done that, D decides to come too.

It's now too late to book the venue and the band but I may be able to get a ski chalet – though there's not much notice for those I would have liked to invite and so there'll probably be compromises on who can come. Or I could organise a group of maybe six people to go to Iceland. Or just dinner out with friends locally and then another dinner with family.

I feel increasingly annoyed that I've been forced into this game-playing situation yet again. There's now a month to go before the big day. Would it be reasonable of me to say to D that there is a choice of (say) three possible things and a decision needs to be made within 24 hours or it's all off and I'll just go to work that day and we'll forget about it completely?

Maybe he just wants to crack on and book something? or would he not like that?

I think you've given him enough chances. Just leave it. If he ends up doing nothing, that's on him.

Book dinner somewhere near you and leave it at that. If they haven't shown an interest by now it's too late.

I'm offering him something he's said repeatedly over years that he'd like

But you're making it about his birthday, and possibly with others, I'd like to do lots of things all of those things would be made shit if it was "for my birthday".

My dh is similar so I've just booked a joint thing as a surprise.He gets a treat and so do I

My DH is like this too so for his milestone birthdays I just book non-refundable things and tell him the dates to book holiday - he kicks off for a bit but then thoroughly enjoys himself when we’re there.

No, I'm really not controlling. I'm not nagging and he doesn't accuse me of that or of trying to force him into anything. He's kept saying all the way along that the Iceland trip sounds great and he's been googling it and checking out some of the places I've suggested and come up with some alternatives of his own but still won't commit to it. Ditto the skiing trip. After I'd come up with suggestions he talked to colleague who skis regularly and they came up with something they thought would suit better. I was all ready to book his preferred place back in November but he was 'No, I need to think about it a bit more and read some more reviews...'

He is possibly the most indecisive person in the world at the best of times and everyone who knows him well understands this.

I wouldnt arrange anything involvig other people - his type of passive aggressive approach is very annoying..
dont book anything and if he has teh cheek to say anything say - you wouldnt commit so I'm not going to organise....dont blame me..
maybe you shoudl give him a heads up that you are not going to waste your time/mental energy to investigating sorting stuff if he is not going to be clear,...

it is a very passive aggressive/martyr communication dynamic which is not very healthy ... so ~i would suggest you treat yourself by changing to a more adult communication dynamic..

I think you are more interested in celebrating then he is.

I think giving him an option of three ideas is a good idea. Maybe something low key, something adventurous and something on a grander scale.

I'm offering him something he's said repeatedly over years that he'd like.

Well, it could be that he likes the idea of those things, but if he did them, then he'd have to think of something else he'd like to do. It's important to be able to just dream about things, because often the reality doesn't live up to the dream.

Is anybody else sharing their lives with someone who says they don't really want to do anything, you're not to organise anything, they're not interested in what you're suggesting – and then seems annoyed, come the day, that you haven't organised anything?

Now that's quite an important drip feed. You might have got different responses if that had been in the OP.
So, he does want a fuss made of his important birthdays, but doesn't want to admit it. He knows you know him well enough by now, to realise this, so is expecting you to arrange something. When you don't, he's upset and disappointed. It's very immature, but this is who he is, so go ahead and book something.

He sounds hard work. Maybe you need to call his bluff and make it clear you’ll be taking him at his word, I couldn’t be doing with trying to manage this with him.

Maybe he just doesn't want to celebrate this particular 0 birthday and would rather it just quietly passed him by. Have you asked him?

I’d just book a meal out for family. Then, if appropriate, say that his birthday present will be a trip to Wherever in the Spring/whenever”.

That way you’re still offering the birthday treat but don’t feel rushed to just book something because time is running out. If he then asks why you didn’t book the trip for his actual birthday, say you weren’t sure what he wanted. Then offer two alternatives for the forthcoming trip and let him choose, emphasising that there’s a booking deadline so he needs to choose his preference by such and such a date.

That takes the pressure off you both. You could even tell him in private so people at the meal aren’t asking what he’ll choose.

If he still hasn’t chosen by your deadline, remind him 2 days before, then the day before. That puts the ball in his court. If he doesn’t answer, don’t book anything.

You could also get a friend or relative to do a bit of ‘fishing’. Is his problem that he doesn’t want extra people coming? That he doesn’t want to spend the money? A subtle ‘fish’ might help you.

Sometimes people have stuff they have 'always wanted to do' but deep down it's more fantasy than reality. Maybe he is worried about the cost and thinks can you really justify doing a 'fantasy' when you still have to pay for the mundane things in life. I personally would find it hard to enjoy a big event that's all about me and costs quite a bit because in the back of my mind I would be thinking the money could be spent on something more 'important'.
Of course this depends on your financial situation.

I'm confused

why can't you just leave him alone to get on with it?

Have you made the ultimatum clear to him? I.e. If we don't book this this week then it can't happen? If so and he's still flapped then that's entirely on him.

In your shoes I'd be tempted to make the deadline clear via email so that if he later complains you can literally point him to the discussion.

I'm perfectly happy with not doing anything, so long as on the day and in the weeks following he doesn't accuse me of not caring about him enough to organise something – which is something he's suggested occasionally in the past when I haven't bothered with a birthday present because he's said he doesn't want one.

He likes game-playing.

Book one of them that is your favourite/doable as he's happy with all of them

I hated my party my DH organised for me. It wasn’t what I wanted and was a flop. I did a surprise party for him which I knew he wanted and went marginally better but still not worth the organising.
However both were a faff and frankly we would have been better off organising our own events.

I'd just leave it.

If it was a joint holiday / celebration, I'd just go ahead and book something. But as it's his birthday I think it needs to be his decision what to do or whether to do anything. You've done everything you can, now leave it.

Why not just book something that you know he'll like to do and then just bring him to it on his birthday.

Most adults either completely organise their own get together or else have someone who will organise a "surprise" for them. I don't know any adult who wanted a party but let someone else organise it. An adult either organises their own birthday celebration or are surprised by a party.

I think at this stage if you know he expects something for his birthday, it's up to you to just get on and organise a party as it's a significant birthday. If you know he would like something but isn't going to organise it then it's up to you to decide, organise, invite and bring him along.

If it only happens once every 10 years then just do it, and be done.

My DH is like this. He’d dither us in to doing nothing, missing any good deals for holidays etc.

For birthdays I’ve now decided that I’m planning my own and he is planning his own!

A "big" birthday doesn't mean having to do something. Just tell him that you haven't booked anything for his birthday as he didn't decide on anything. Reassure him that it's fine to do nothing, but if he fancies a meal out together then to let you know.

Then honestly don't mention it again. You say that you've been forced into a game playing situation again, but you have the choice as to whether or not you play the game - so don't. You have not been forced to think of suggestions, spend hours researching etc. When his birthday arrives he will either be relieved that there is nothing planned, or he will be disappointed. If it is the latter this may give him the impetus to be more organised/decisive.

He is possibly the most indecisive person in the world at the best of times and everyone who knows him well understands this

Ah, must be my DH's secret twin. Everything we buy ever is after prolonged assessment of numerous reviews and comparison websites. All holidays are researched obsessively with creation of spreadsheet.

It does have its bonuses but he also has had to learn when to wind it in as otherwise he was just never doing anything.

He knows I mean it that I am not going to miss out just because he can't make his mind up so this usually forces a decision although he makes a noise like a pitiful child, rather than a grown man buying a holiday in Venice

I love @EvaHarknessRose suggestion of it's Plan A Northern Lights or Plan B Colin the Caterpillar Cake and a cup of tea. Brilliant.

My impression with DH is that is the choice that overwhelms him and the fear of making the wrong choice. When he only has 2 choices and he absolutely has to make one, he will painfully get on and do it.

There was a Supernanny episode where she fixed a toddler who wouldn't get dressed in the morning because he took all his clothes out of the wardrobe and then couldn't decide what to wear. She just said 'You can have the blue trousers or the red trousers' - and he picked straight away and got dressed. I imagine my DH and myself to be like that. I'm offering him the blue trousers or the red trousers and nothing else

Book Iceland but don't over-plan it - you can do whatever day-trips he fancies when you get there.

I think I might be your DH :)

I hate being hustled into anything, even if it things that I want to do, and I need time to research things myself and get my head round them. Being told I "have" to choose something as a birthday treat would be my idea of ... well something that wasn't a treat.

Agree with PP, I do something low key with friends/family for the day itself and commit to sorting out the holiday later in the year.