Partner controlling own birthday plans

[womaninblue]

Name change just in case I'm recognised. My partner, D, and I have been together nearly 20 years. My partner's never been particularly interested in birthdays and I'm not someone who likes much of a fuss either, but we've always managed to do something a bit special for those big 0 birthdays.

D has a big birthday coming up in a month's time. Since last summer I've been proposing ways to celebrate and asking for ideas. I suggested booking a venue we both like and having a party with a live band that D loves. I suggested a trip to Iceland with friends to see the Northern Lights, which D's often talked about wanting to see. I suggested booking a large ski chalet and having a week's holiday with friends and family, which is also on D's bucket list. I'd done my research and found venues, hotels, chalets, activities and worked out what I could afford. I've put effort into this! Month after month I've nudged and it's been mmmmm, not sure, let me think about it, it might be nice but yes-but-no-but... to the point where I've given up. There have been no alternative suggestions.

People ask me what I've got planned and I say nothing and explain what's been going on. Some are surprised but those who know my partner well laugh about D's combination of indecisiveness and need to feel in control. This is an old pattern. If there's somewhere I really want to go or something I want to do and D does this mmm, maybe, but... number I've learned over the years to book it for myself and nine times out of ten, having done that, D decides to come too.

It's now too late to book the venue and the band but I may be able to get a ski chalet – though there's not much notice for those I would have liked to invite and so there'll probably be compromises on who can come. Or I could organise a group of maybe six people to go to Iceland. Or just dinner out with friends locally and then another dinner with family.

I feel increasingly annoyed that I've been forced into this game-playing situation yet again. There's now a month to go before the big day. Would it be reasonable of me to say to D that there is a choice of (say) three possible things and a decision needs to be made within 24 hours or it's all off and I'll just go to work that day and we'll forget about it completely?

In the last few years we've had 70th birthdays and a golden wedding, none of which we organised anything for, although the children made more of a fuss than we wanted. Surely D is the one who decides, maybe D doesn't like being bullied into celebrating. It seems to be all about you putting on a show.

You might find Games People Play by Eric Berne helpful (warning, some of the 'games' are very 70s views of women)

70s??? 50s more like! Agreed that this book is a classic on how people manipulate each other, and the principles are rock solid - but the Marital (nearly autocorrected to Martial) Games section comes with a flashing neon health warning.

Presume you haven't read my later news – he's asked for a ceilidh. No bullying involved. We ran through a few invitation lists and have decided we'll need to cater for at least 100. Those are the people he wants to invite, not anything I've forced on him.

I appreciate that all those who told me he'd just want a quiet dinner for two meant well but I've lived with him for 20 years and I know how social he is. He loves a party. He loves going to other peoples' birthday events. We go out to dinner with each other regularly and it's not what either of us would think of as special.

he said that as he was just about to go back into a very busy period at work yes, it would probably be best if I organise it.

Like he’s doing you a favour!

If you're with someone as indecisive as your DH you essentially have two options:

1. Don't involve him. Organise something yourself, knowing that there's a risk he might not like it but at least it's decided and done.

2. Leave him to dither for as long as he wants and don't sweat it.

Your current strategy seems to be the worst of both options.

Thanks @womaninblue it certainly has been very hard.

but now I look at my savings and think that perhaps the time has come to go a bit mad and enjoy what we can while we can because you never know.

Oh, if you have the money, definitely do that. We've been having two holidays a year, since I've been getting my disability payments. We hadn't had a holiday since our honeymoon in 2004, so our holidays have become very important to us. Nothing extravagant, just a week self catering down in Dorset, but we love the chance to get away for a break.

I'm glad you've finally been able to sort something out. A ceilidh sounds great!

A ceilidh will be fine if I can find a band! There are a couple locally so I'm just waiting to hear whether either of them are available on the dates the venue is available. This is why it's easier if you make a decision and book well in advance...