Partner controlling own birthday plans

[womaninblue]

Name change just in case I'm recognised. My partner, D, and I have been together nearly 20 years. My partner's never been particularly interested in birthdays and I'm not someone who likes much of a fuss either, but we've always managed to do something a bit special for those big 0 birthdays.

D has a big birthday coming up in a month's time. Since last summer I've been proposing ways to celebrate and asking for ideas. I suggested booking a venue we both like and having a party with a live band that D loves. I suggested a trip to Iceland with friends to see the Northern Lights, which D's often talked about wanting to see. I suggested booking a large ski chalet and having a week's holiday with friends and family, which is also on D's bucket list. I'd done my research and found venues, hotels, chalets, activities and worked out what I could afford. I've put effort into this! Month after month I've nudged and it's been mmmmm, not sure, let me think about it, it might be nice but yes-but-no-but... to the point where I've given up. There have been no alternative suggestions.

People ask me what I've got planned and I say nothing and explain what's been going on. Some are surprised but those who know my partner well laugh about D's combination of indecisiveness and need to feel in control. This is an old pattern. If there's somewhere I really want to go or something I want to do and D does this mmm, maybe, but... number I've learned over the years to book it for myself and nine times out of ten, having done that, D decides to come too.

It's now too late to book the venue and the band but I may be able to get a ski chalet – though there's not much notice for those I would have liked to invite and so there'll probably be compromises on who can come. Or I could organise a group of maybe six people to go to Iceland. Or just dinner out with friends locally and then another dinner with family.

I feel increasingly annoyed that I've been forced into this game-playing situation yet again. There's now a month to go before the big day. Would it be reasonable of me to say to D that there is a choice of (say) three possible things and a decision needs to be made within 24 hours or it's all off and I'll just go to work that day and we'll forget about it completely?

Are you married to my husband!? He is just like this.

Motoko, it's seemed to me like sort-lived annoyance or perhaps it's surprise, but maybe two or three times over the 20 years we've been together he has been a bit off with me when, after he's said he doesn't want any fuss or gifts for his birthday, I haven't given him a gift.

I kind of understand where he's coming from. I'm not that interested in material things (we have everything we need) and so I usually say to people that I don't want gifts. But come the day I still sometimes experience the childlike hope that someone will have ignored what I said and given me something perfect and amazing that I would never have dreamed of.

Take the point people have made about the gap between people dreaming and talking of things they'd like to do one day and the reality of having those fantasies actually happen. Perhaps I've been too literal, but I feel pretty confident that both Iceland and skiing would turn out to be a blast and give him a birthday to remember. Instead I'll book a table for 12 and we'll have dinner. It'll certainly save me money!

Both our 40ths last year. I organised family get together and a friends meal as that's what I wanted.
We had a holiday too to celebrate and partner wasn't that fussed on his actual birthday. Had a friends night out locally that's it. But that's what he wanted.

You gave him options and he hasn't pursued it so I'd leave it. When it comes to it if he then complains nothings is happening it's on him not you. Maybe he just isn't that bothered or doesn't want to be reminding of his growing years.

Just say 'I'm giving you notice right now that there aren't any birthday plans, and that's not because I don't care or haven't tried, but because you haven't responded to my ideas. Let me know if you do want to do any of them, and if there's time I'll sort them for this year, if not for next year. Plan B is a Colin the Caterpillar cake and a cup of tea'. It's ok, it's his shout. And big birthdays aren't always easy.

What @EvaHarknessRose said. Tell him this today.

Tbh I would organise nothing bar a meal with family on the day.
And I wouold him that, as he couldnt make his mind up/he needed so much to be in control, it was too late to do book anything.

And there leave it.

And if he does it again for the next hols, I would ensure he can’t come (or not just easily tag along). I don’t think I could still pander to. His controlling tendencies/indecision after so long.

Is anybody else sharing their lives with someone who says they don't really want to do anything, you're not to organise anything, they're not interested in what you're suggesting – and then seems annoyed, come the day, that you haven't organised anything?

Interesting update, I wondered if we were talking about a game-player. So he CBA to get involved in any planning but pouts if nothing gets planned? Fuck that noise, slightly manipulative I feel and I'd have to have a calm word with him about it.

...or just not bother and tear him a new one if he has a hissy fit.

I think you should back off - it's D's birthday not yours.

Your plans sound very grand and extravagant for someone who's never been particularly interested in birthdays and they have made it clear they don't like them. However, I don't think you should do nothing either. Book somewhere nice for the weekend for just the 2 of you. And keep it to yourself.

Two or three times over the 20 years we've been together he has been a bit off with me when, after he's said he doesn't want any fuss or gifts for his birthday, I haven't given him a gift

This.

It's a game. He is playing a game with you. He fusses and fusses and fusses, he asks for a present, rejects the present but at the end of the day he wants a present.

On the times you changed the rules and didn't buy him a present he was shocked! He never meant No Present, he meant More Fussing.

Unfortunately what you learned was to rejoin the game and put more effort in as he was so disappointed.

The only way to win this game is not to play it. Announce now it is Northern Lights or Colin the Caterpillar. If he doesn't decide, Colin and cup of tea it is. When he is disappointed, you say 'I warned you very clearly'.

Next time round, he will decide quicker.

You might find Games People Play by Eric Berne helpful (warning, some of the 'games' are very 70s views of women) but in general the advice is the only way to win a game is not to play.

Every single option you've suggested is lavish and public "... with friends and family". Why is that?

Maybe you're over-planning things with the level of research you describe and leaving him with no control. It's his birthday, perhaps he feels you're making it more about you.

Significant birthday commemorations (I'm guessing 40 or 50 if you've been together almost 20 years) don't just have to be about the actual day, it can be any time in that year. If he he doesn't know what he wants, maybe he just doesn't know what he wants. Or maybe he does, and he knows it's not what you want.

Just leave it. You've tried and he's not interested. In fact you sound like the controlling one trying to force him to do things her doesn't want to do and keep going on about it. Why shouldn't he be in charge of controlling his own birthday plans? If he then has a go at you for not organising anything then I'd rethink the relationship.

Book nothern lights and have done with it.

I'd just say that these are the options. I can book either but I need to do it this weekend. Tell me in the next couple of hours if you want to do one particular thing or if you don't want to do anything at all. If you don't make a decision by then I'll choose. Said with a friendly smile, then do it.

It's attention seeking, isn't it? If he agreed to one of the things you first suggested (which was actually something he'd said he'd enjoy) then he wouldn't have all this attention paid to him, would he?

I would book a trip to Iceland for both of you (it's a fabulous place) and would book trips for every other day. He'll enjoy it and it's your reward for putting up with him!

YANBU.
what a pain in the arse he sounds.

What does he do for your birthday? What happens for anniversaries?

You both sound hard work, sorry.

I'd just say to him that if he'd like you to book something you need to do it now. Is there something he wants to do or would he like a suprise? If neither then just leave it and you can always go for a meal just you 2 if he wants to on the day.

I'm offering him something he's said repeatedly over years that he'd like.

Then why hasn't he arranged it? He's an adult and has had years to arrange certain trips and events, the fact he hasn't means he doesn't really want to go.

Sounds the type to chat shit about stuff he wants to do so he 'fits in' rather than him actually wanting to do it. I'd wouldn't organise a thing. Stop enabling him or he'll always be this way.

I would just let him know nothing has been booked or planned, and if he wants to do something he needs to let you know ASAP as time is running out.

Beyond that, just leave it. He may not want to celebrate.

Well if you do go to Iceland or sking I would be pretty pretty annoyed if he started mentioning them again as things he would like to do. Maybe say to him do you want to do x or z which you have been going on about for years if not please don't mention them again ever.

Sorry meant to if you don't go to Iceland etc

Do and say nothing more and do not tolerate for one minute the sulking on the day when he doesn't get Iceland tickets.

Buy regular gifts to give at home.

Op if you did something like the Northern Lights with friends, would you be covering the costs for friends? If a friend was having a birthday celebration and having a trip to see the Northern Lights as part of that and I was invited but had to pay, I am assuming that it wouldn't be cheap. You also may not get to see the Northern Lights.

If you do something like that, why can't you just go as a couple? It gets quite expensive with people having lavish birthday celebrations abroad and expecting friends to cough up large sums of money to come too, especially if a number of you have milestone birthdays in the same year. I would much prefer just going to a meal to celebrate with friends.

Let him organise his own birthday.

Tell him now that you aren't organising anything as he won't agree to anything so you'll leave it up to him. Don't mention it again,

If he throws a strop on the day, just remind him that he decided not to have anything.

Agree re Eva's message, but text or email it so if after day Dh complains you've not done anything you can literally show him evidence that you did try so there's no room for argument.

Is he happy to do trips but not wanting a large group? Would he want it just for you two (plus any DC's?)