Partner controlling own birthday plans

[womaninblue]

Name change just in case I'm recognised. My partner, D, and I have been together nearly 20 years. My partner's never been particularly interested in birthdays and I'm not someone who likes much of a fuss either, but we've always managed to do something a bit special for those big 0 birthdays.

D has a big birthday coming up in a month's time. Since last summer I've been proposing ways to celebrate and asking for ideas. I suggested booking a venue we both like and having a party with a live band that D loves. I suggested a trip to Iceland with friends to see the Northern Lights, which D's often talked about wanting to see. I suggested booking a large ski chalet and having a week's holiday with friends and family, which is also on D's bucket list. I'd done my research and found venues, hotels, chalets, activities and worked out what I could afford. I've put effort into this! Month after month I've nudged and it's been mmmmm, not sure, let me think about it, it might be nice but yes-but-no-but... to the point where I've given up. There have been no alternative suggestions.

People ask me what I've got planned and I say nothing and explain what's been going on. Some are surprised but those who know my partner well laugh about D's combination of indecisiveness and need to feel in control. This is an old pattern. If there's somewhere I really want to go or something I want to do and D does this mmm, maybe, but... number I've learned over the years to book it for myself and nine times out of ten, having done that, D decides to come too.

It's now too late to book the venue and the band but I may be able to get a ski chalet – though there's not much notice for those I would have liked to invite and so there'll probably be compromises on who can come. Or I could organise a group of maybe six people to go to Iceland. Or just dinner out with friends locally and then another dinner with family.

I feel increasingly annoyed that I've been forced into this game-playing situation yet again. There's now a month to go before the big day. Would it be reasonable of me to say to D that there is a choice of (say) three possible things and a decision needs to be made within 24 hours or it's all off and I'll just go to work that day and we'll forget about it completely?

I think a lot of people are missing the point - yes he might want to 'control his own birthday plans' - but it sounds to me like he likes to play the game. OP suggests and plans and partner dissembles and thrrefore anything after that is OP's fault!

Dragged to a party and doesnt have a good time? OPs fault.
Dragged to a party and has a good time = win - for him
OP organises Iceland and you don't see the NOrthern Lights - your fault.
OP organises nothing - BIG stick to beat you with later! No party for my big birthday even though;I told you I didn't want anything? Whah whah you are so mean and dont love me'

You can't win OP. Even 'just' a meal out with all his friends will be evidence that you don't love him enough to know what he wants.

And anyway - Iceland will still be there next year. The Northern Lights will not go out in 2021. Maybe go next Feb, and tell him so if he ever brings it up that you didn't organise a huge fuss for him.

Why can’t you just accept he isn’t interested in a load of faff about a birthday (most men aren’t) and leave it at that?

it's just the fact that it's his birthday and I've given him a choice that's the problem.

When it’s my birthday I arrange stuff, when it’s my DH’s he arranges stuff, I thought that was how everyone did it. I’d hate someone trying to plan my birthday. I’ve just had a big birthday and organised my party and holiday straight after.

Can I just hit on the head once and for all the idea that I'm forcing something on him? Back last summer I suggested some things he might like to consider to celebrate his big birthday and I said that if there was something else he wants to do then I'd be happy to organise it. He ruled some of my suggestions out but for the last six months he's been pondering the skiing and the Iceland trip. He's refused to choose or rule either out.

If he'd said no, I want none of these things or if he'd said he wanted a quiet meal with me or a party down the pub or a trip to the Serengeti or that he'd prefer to do nothing at all to mark the day then it would have been fine by me.

He's out cycling at the moment but when he gets back I'll follow Eva's advice and give him an ultimatum because otherwise he'll just keep this going till it's too late to do anything even if he decides he wants to do it.

Someone once said to me that D's indecisiveness was FOMO-related and pointed out that he's been worse since the advent of the internet and the ability to find read reviews and find hundreds of different options

There's a phrase for this - the tyranny of choice. Both DH and I suffer from it in different ways.

It's why I like shopping in Lidl where there is one type of chopped tomatoes, like it or lump it. I tried buying them in Tesco once and counted 12 different options - I just stood at the shelf terrified and DH had to console me. But which, which tinned tomatoes did I want???

I think your DH is the same.

Luckily for me, my DH and I tend to max out our indecisiveness on different things so we are always ready to give each other a kick up the arse/supportive hug depending on what is needed.

I’d just leave it, it’s his birthday he’ll do something if he want to.

What you’re forcing is the decision.

No-one disputes he’d like to go to Iceland or skiing in principle, he just doesn’t want to make a decision about it now.

Don’t give him an ‘ultimatum’ just leave him alone. Respect his wishes not to make a choice right now. Go with the flow and you can book something fun last minute.

I can kind of understand his recalcitrance tbh I’d hate to be brow-beaten as you’re doing. It would put me off the whole thing.

It will still be his birthday treat if you have it at a random time next year. I would just leave it to him to choose the big treat and then arrange it at a convenient time. If this means the birthday itself is more low key then that is fine.

I think you’re getting a hard time op... It sounds like your dh is waiting for you to make a decision...so if it’s not perfect then it’s your fault. He’s missing the point that it something he actually really wants to do, as long as the people he looks loves are there it will be fabulous. If the northern lights don’t make an appearance, an ice hotel would still be amazing! I’d check if anyone you want to attend can actually go to Iceland first... if they can’t then dh has to bear the consequences if his indecisiveness. At this rate, M&S will have sold out of the caterpillar cake 🙈

Your last big birthday he surpised you...
Do you honestly not think he might want the same of you? Just book a surprise.

Given that the various options you’re suggesting are all very expensive, I suspect that you are both high earners. In which case, does he not have to make decisions in his working life?

His inability to make a decision would piss me off so much that I wouldn’t organise anything for him. Let him do it.

I'd just leave it, he obviously doesn't want to celebrate

I’m not into celebrating my birthday, I honestly don’t like having a fuss or too much attention on me.

I would ask him if he would prefer a surprise and then book what you want but don’t let him know till the last minute.

If you know he's always wanted to do Iceland then why can't you just book the bloody thing? Honestly you both sound as bad as each other with your dithering and inability to make a decision

Update: he got in from cycling, had a shower and a beer and came and sat down in the kitchen where I was getting supper together and told me about his day, where they'd been, how many miles etc. I listened and commented positively and then broached the birthday problem. I said that I'd spent the day feeling very aware that there was just a month to go before his birthday and that if he wanted to do anything to celebrate he really did need to say so in the next 48 hours – at which point he got up, said that he didn't need the pressure and walked out.

He came back half an hour later and apologised and said that the mates he cycles with had asked if he was going to hold a party. He knows that the band he likes isn't available so now he was thinking of a ceilidh with a ceilidh band. I don't know where the ceilidh idea has come from, probably one of his friends.

I asked if he was telling me he'd like me to organise a ceilidh and he said that as he was just about to go back into a very busy period at work yes, it would probably be best if I organise it. Fortunately I'm not working today so I'll be chasing ceilidh bands and looking for venues and if I can find anything suitable I'm just going to go ahead and book it.

Thanks for the support. It's good to know I'm not the only one living with a decent but indecisive man and that some of these situations are familiar.

My dh is like this. He loves the idea of having a big do, but would rather it wasn't about him. Add to that a desire for control and a need to research every possible option and we always have stalemate. He has a big birthday this year and I'm not even involving him in the planning. I think he just doesn't want the pressure like your dh said op. I know what he likes, I will make it happen!
I know this process has been frustrating for you, but he will realise the effort and heads pace you have given it. He probably even feels uncomfortable you putting all this effort in for him.

Surely it's a huge expectation for people to spend so much to attend a birthday celebration? I'd feel very uncomfortable asking that. I'm not one for big birthday celebrations! Just book a meal and you and dp can go somewhere just the 2 of you if he fancies

Happy Camper, I was intending to pick up the whole bill for everyone for the skiing or Iceland trips. I might have expected people to pay for the odd meal out or the drinks, but otherwise the intention was that it would be free for those attending. Flights, accommodation, activities.

In the last few years we've seen a number of friends in our age range die and getting to 60 seems like something worth celebrating, so I thought that if he really wanted to do something special I'd splash out. You never know if you're going to make it to the next big birthday, do you?

No-one disputes he’d like to go to Iceland or skiing in principle, he just doesn’t want to make a decision about it now.
Don’t give him an ‘ultimatum’ just leave him alone. Respect his wishes not to make a choice right now. Go with the flow and you can book something fun last minute.

Which is all very well - so long as he then doesn't use the 'indecision' as a stick to beat you with later! As in ' you couldn't be bothered to book something I'd really like, like Iceland! -face'.

You never know if you're going to make it to the next big birthday, do you?

Exactly. When I was 49, I was diagnosed with cancer, I didn't expect to see 50. I still have cancer, but I'll be 57 this year, although I'm really not expecting to make it to 60.

You've got to make the most of every day, especially at our age, as you don't know what's around the corner.

I wouldn’t do anything, apart from buying a present. He can sort it himself.

for you, Motoko, that's a tough situation to be in. All strength to you. We have had a number of friends go through something similar and it really makes you reassess your priorities. We've always worked hard and saved hard and rarely had the big holidays people take, but now I look at my savings and think that perhaps the time has come to go a bit mad and enjoy what we can while we can because you never know.