New housemate

[NewYearsRevolution2020]

We are 4 people living in a 3 bed terrace. One of th edownstairs living rooms is used as a bedroom - the other living room is shared living space.

New hsemate has moved a lot of big furniture and her stuff into shared living room and 'designed' it so it has gone from a bare but spacious room with a sofa, bookcase and some bits and pieces to a very clutterd room with desk, wardrobe, paintings on wall, wall hangings, etc. The two bikes that are used in the house are also keot in there. We also use it hang our washing when it is drying.

The romm is no longer usable in any practical sense - it is too clutterd to realx in and some of the furniture is so cumbersome it just makes you want to close the door. I have been here a long time, she has been here 6 months and did this without saying anything to anyone. Other hsemates are new, dont have much stuff and havent said anything.

She has also done the same to the garden. I mentioned several times that I want to do veg. She planted flowers all over the borders, and in every single space in the harden and left me a narrow space about 3 inches wide to use.

In her defence she is enthusiastic and some of here stuff is nice but when I look in the drawers and cupboards in the living room (it's for us all!) it is full of her stuff. She has also taken a huge cupboard upstairs that is originally for everyone.

She is not easy to approach, has seemingly already got te other female housemate eating out of her hand. She is not here much but I just feel she has used the communal spaces as a dumping ground for her stuff at our expense.

I have a large room so keep everything up here but feel that I shouldn't have to keep my fixed exercise bike/printer. etc in my room if we have lost the living room to her stuff.

AIBU?

Thanks, @Icepinkeskimo

I have sent the landlady this email

'Hi LL,

I hope you are all well and getting some rest.

I think I will be leaving xx as the atmosphere is getting intolerable here. lt is clear that xx wants the big room and she is being very difficult to live with. I have explained that the contract is up in 3 months time.

I understand, according to her, that others have had problems with me. I hope that isn't the impression you have received as both x, xx, xx xand xx have all kept in contact with me and xx and xx I consider close friends.

xx

I need help with her @Ice

Sympathies OP, it is horrible to live with people that are so difficult.

That being said, I think you’re now obsessed by her (I probably would be too, I do get why she’s so infuriating).

Here’s the thing, you are not going to be able to change her, only how you react to the situation.

Depersonalise everything. She’s a controlling cow who is great at manipulating. What a sad life she must have. Her problem, don’t let it become yours.

Equally, it’s not your landlady’s problem. If I was her, and received your email I’d be baffled. You seem to expect her to have much more of an input that I’ve experienced from any landlord in the past, including at college - basically they collect the rent and periodically check the house, and hopefully respond to any maintenance related issues. That’s it. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to involve her in the petty personal squabbles between tenants. Admittedly I’ve only rented as joint tenants, never as an HMO (which is what I assume you are), but at the most I’d let her know that tenant 4 is using the living room as her own, and raise the cleaning issue if this is in your contract as something that everyone is expected to do.

I think I’m right in saying that in an HMO you are only responsible legally for your share of the bills? So as long as you pay this as appropriate, don’t get involved in anyone not paying. If you’re jointly responsible for them then that’s different.

Finally, I would just interview and get someone new to take over your contract. If mean housemate has a friend then get her to take your place. I can’t imagine the ll cares as long as there’s continuity in rent.

In future could you afford a studio flat? I can only imagine how utterly depressing it is to share with strangers as a 42 year old. I hope you manage to get of there ASAP.

Good luck!

@Pheasantplucker2

I think she wants the attention and is doing stuff to provoke and until tonight I have n't given her any however I heard my voice so its good to know it is still there.

I don't know about obsessed but yes, def now anticipating criticism and trying to not give her anything. She turns every nice gesture into something weird vwhich is clearly about her.

I agree about ll but she does like to feel engaged and I kind of feel that is a bit of manipulation on her part for us to look after the place - if that makes sense.

However you are right and I need to put boundaries in place nbecause it feels as though there are none. Yesterday other tenant got back from berlin and I said hi, nice to see you back and got a grunt.

She's a manipulative bully.... And actually sounds quite disordered.!

I did London house shares for a few years... Some have gone on to be close pals 20 plus years later... Others I would cross the road to avoid!

You sound a good tenant. Is there any way the land lord would ask HER to leave?

We had a very similar situation...
Refused to clean/pay bills/awkward about everything /picked in turn on different house members... (didn't like the cleaning products we bought... She took over the front room too!)... Completely bloody unreasonable....

We had tried... We'd been friendly to her.. Invited her out, included her... Nothing was EVER good enough... The end point... She attacked my boyfriend with a knife! (his sin: to leave ONE guitar in the front room, overnight...).

The landlord... Didn't want to be involved... But in the end asked her to leave as he realised it really was her... And not us!

So would that have legs?? Would you want to stay if she wasn't there? It's pretty unfair you have to leave!

@Pheasantplucker2 this is exactly what I thought. In the nicest possible way @Asimovsfutureishere2020 this is what I meant about you coming across as difficult. Just ignore it and move out when your contract is up. It’s weeks not years.

Her name doesn't begin with 'E' does it?

This week, the next door neighbour asked me to do a favour and I have his housekeys. He knows me and the house. He wouldn't leave his keys with someone he didn't trust.

The landlady and partner are lovely people and they have become something more than just landlord (which I would not have chosen because it complicates things) not friends, and I am probably being completely manipulated here, but not distant either. I bought a present for them when they had their children, etc. and they talk openly about their life. That is why we have mentioned things in the past to them but I sent the email, worded the way I did as I am sure I am not too blame for what has happened here.

But as someone pointed out, this is already too intense and not worth the stress for a rental so I have just been looking for rooms online and there seems plenty out there. I also worded the email the way I did as the ll may release the contract terms and I can move sooner. i have storage for my stuff organised.

Ok back with one plan of action, and it's a pretty mean one but needs must.

First OP forget the email, put that on the back burner for a while. I want to ask you one question straight out. If this person was not living there would you be happy to continue to reside in the house? If the answer is yes then, you need to put on your big pants and act accordingly.

OP I was just thinking about your rodent problem., and heaven forbid that the little grey tailed things moved....into the living room?!!!

Well let's just suppose a sudden spate of mouse droppings appeared in the kitchen, and in the living room? Worse than that if mouse droppings appeared in bully girls room? They might even build a nest in the magazines/books in the lounge.

I want you to think about this, and if you don't think you could carry this out I will table a few more options.

So my suggestion is not to commit leaving just yet, to be driven out of your residence by a bully makes me really sad.

I will carry on thinking, I know one thing there is no reasoning with this spiteful bitch she needs a taste of her own medicine.

@Icepinkeskimo

I think she is encouraging the mice! She likes them! Said she felt one run over her hair in bed!

I am laid back but that is too much even for me (although I said nothing).

TBH I need to leave as too much has gone on and I cannot see that I would feel happy here now. I am just worried that I will leave and then take somewhere else and feel I was pushed because it is such a good deal. But I have to figure that out.

Thanks for your thoughts though, Ice - I was so shaken earlier (at myself as much as anything as I have never raised my voice in my life - even in teaching) and actually I have been sitting here wondering why am I worried.

Here is what I am thinking

• that I will not get a good reference from landlady and won't be able to rent anywhere decent

(have never missed rent, broken anything, etc)

• that I will end up in another house just as bad

(not impossible, but I can leave that)

Neither are end of the world scenarios

I think I need to stand back and depersonalise as someone said as I am getting caught up in her drama otherwise.

Hope that makes sense and doesn't make me seem strange - ultimately if a ll won't evict someone/ask them to leave if they hide a camera in the house then I think I have to be the change

But thank you all for the thoughts and contributions. I am calmer now.

This reminds me of the last month or two I house-shared. I had a bottle of wine go missing from the kitchen fridge, some money go missing from my room (only a fiver but still...) nasty intrusive music after midnight and a general unpleasant atmosphere. We had an arrangement that I paid for and supplied the TV licence in that house, and I had an old ironing board that everyone used. When I finally left in disgust, I took the ironing board, and more importantly, quietly transferred the TV licence without telling anyone there (the people who knew about the original arrangement had all moved on).

I have no idea how things panned out but the house was on the market a year later. 😈

yes, something has gone missing this week. Cannot figure out where it is and pretty sure I left it in the living room.

🙄

@user1473878824

I'm not saying it's her - I did think I might have left it on the bus!

Well you are, but even mentioning it on this thread. Just move out. Come on OP, you’re obsessed with the drama with her, which I completely get. But just move out. Rather than that email to the LL why didn’t you just ask if you could move earlier if you could find someone to take you’re room?

I'm really not obsessed with her - really. I was very wound up early hence the wording and I am leaving. Seriously not interested in drama.

I don't think you are obsessed at all. This is your thread about being bullied in your home and how it has gotten you down.

However, I do hope you are getting some balance and doing/feeling some good experiences elsewhere to help counteract the pick, pick, pick.......

My tactic for the forseeable would be - in response to her comment on her parcel "Did you mean to sound so ungrateful?"
The bleach "I used what we had, if you buy something else, I will use that - with your permission of course" (I would then be bleaching the plug hole and the loo every night).
Don't get involved with the internet - if she mentions it "Well, it works fine for me".
When are you leaving? "Nothing to report yet"
Treat her as a neighbours very rude child. Which she sounds like. I would call her out Every. Single, Time. Have some stock responses, play mind bingo with them.
Good for you.
That's very interesting.
I was going to say exactly that.
Are you okay?

But in the meantime, take every opportunity to feel some joy at the everyday little things.

@Notwiththeseknees

Thank you, @Not.

I don’t think I am - preoccupied yes, as I am trying to focus on doing my share and not giving her anything else to complain about but that’s it.

I got an email back from one of the former tenants and it’s friendly, concerned saying let’s talk. I normally get on fine with most people and when two new people moved in in December I got on really well with both. One of them said he never takes so much as he is very quiet but really enjoys talking with me.

Again, I just say this to illustrate what’s is going on.

I need to get a grip on myself though - I have some replies to enquiries about rooms that I will check out today, storage sorted for my stuff that I can maybe bring forward and job applications to do.

Thank you for your reply though.

Also I agree with your suggestions - they are the kind of neutral, uninflammable(?) comments I try to make. Yesterday, I just had enough.

I am waiting on new work stuff so have been visiting the local coffee shops as the walk locally is good for my leg (slow, no rush) I can get to them on foot. So, yes trying not to forget the nice little things.

What are the terms of your contract - are you house sharing as in you have use of your bedroom and shared space ?

At the moment you don’t have access to shared space so could this help you in getting out of the contract early maybe? As in LL isn’t fulfilling her part of the contract?

Also why the hell did you chip in for the stuff they bought? I would just refuse to pay as she did for the council tax

@Punishment

No, they have paid their share of CT to date - its currently being reviewed.

They just don't think they should have to pay, etc

It is a joint tenancy and I think this is part of the problem. Joint to some people seems to mean that we do everything a certain way. She wants everything environmentally-friendly (hsehold stuff, food, pkg) these to me are individual choices. I also feel quite controlled by her as though she is trying to pull me in which I don't get.

We all have own rooms and share kitchen, bathroom, garden, living room.

The thing is for someone who complains she actually hasn't done her share of the cleaning for the last couple of weeks. I think she is a particular type of person who doesn't do well with lists, routine, etc (she has said this) and so instead sees her contribution as project manager of house.

I 've lived with someone like this before. It means everyone else does the work and they create the confusion.

I'm going to start packing now but will be back on later.

Hi,

I have told landlady and am waiting to find out notice period.

This week, hsemate complained I turned switch off at plug. Used up scourer when cleaning and used bleach, that I wasn't to take in her parcels, and then the next day that I didn't answer the door for her delivery (I wasn't here).

I am definitely not in the wrong here. I explained that the neighbour took in our parcel and saw me coming home and gave it to me. Yesterday she obv got a missed delivery card but I wasn't here to answer the door but if I had been I wouldn't have known that the postman was ringing to delivery her parcel - it could have been mine or someone else's so, of course, I would open the door.

I spoke to the last tenant who was nice and thought it all disturbing (this tenant was in my room crying about her one night).

It is horrible. In a way, now she is being so explicit it is easier to see now but just so nasty. When she moved in I gave her invites to film/arts events that she wouldn't have got into otherwise, gave her loads of advice on a field she said she was interested in that I have worked in, chatted to her friends when they have been here who seem nice and very much the kind of people I would get on with. She accused me of flirting with one which was a bit bizarre. They have chatted comfortably back and the conversations are easy (music, film related usually) the kind you would have with people you click with regardless of age but just because you are into the same kind of thing.

I'm very tired and cannot fathom such hate.