New housemate

[NewYearsRevolution2020]

We are 4 people living in a 3 bed terrace. One of th edownstairs living rooms is used as a bedroom - the other living room is shared living space.

New hsemate has moved a lot of big furniture and her stuff into shared living room and 'designed' it so it has gone from a bare but spacious room with a sofa, bookcase and some bits and pieces to a very clutterd room with desk, wardrobe, paintings on wall, wall hangings, etc. The two bikes that are used in the house are also keot in there. We also use it hang our washing when it is drying.

The romm is no longer usable in any practical sense - it is too clutterd to realx in and some of the furniture is so cumbersome it just makes you want to close the door. I have been here a long time, she has been here 6 months and did this without saying anything to anyone. Other hsemates are new, dont have much stuff and havent said anything.

She has also done the same to the garden. I mentioned several times that I want to do veg. She planted flowers all over the borders, and in every single space in the harden and left me a narrow space about 3 inches wide to use.

In her defence she is enthusiastic and some of here stuff is nice but when I look in the drawers and cupboards in the living room (it's for us all!) it is full of her stuff. She has also taken a huge cupboard upstairs that is originally for everyone.

She is not easy to approach, has seemingly already got te other female housemate eating out of her hand. She is not here much but I just feel she has used the communal spaces as a dumping ground for her stuff at our expense.

I have a large room so keep everything up here but feel that I shouldn't have to keep my fixed exercise bike/printer. etc in my room if we have lost the living room to her stuff.

AIBU?

Oh god have just read back, she sounds awful. You poor thing! Don't bother trying to be nice to her, she's an arsehole. If she texts you again, just say you'll be discussing house stuff only on the group now and don't respond to any more of her texts. Block her if you can. I would absolutely stop paying any more attention to what she has to say. If you can bear to, pop some biscuits or chocolates or something in the kitchen with a note saying they're for everyone to share, if only to make yourself feel a bit more zen with the whole household.

@TheresGonnabearain ( I want to add 'hard' in there!)

Yes, with the two guys I was adamant that I was not going to let myself pushed out but once they left I thought it wasn't worth the battle as it caused so much mental stress.

441 people replied to the poll - 96% in agreement so yes, you are right so know I am right but I do feel uneasy in myself. I guess that is how people unnerve you?

I will leave as she is going to make things hard and I think that this house doesn't help. It is an old terraced house that gets incredibly dusty. It is full of mice ! I try and keep on top of things but it needs everyone to pull their weight. I dont think they realise and things like not putting dishes way, leaving food out means the mice have a field day.

Washing and bikes should not be in living room. The place is a tip. Shes went against contract which is totally unfair as you've stuck to it and yet LL is fine with it. Sadly I think you've outgrown flatsharing.

@TARSCOUT Tell me about it.

Won't it be wonderful when you are in a nice new house share with normal people and you can lie there thinking about her getting just what she deserves... A cold, noisy, mouse-ridden room where she has to listen to the next door neighbour retching every night 😁

Chalk it all down to experience I guess? You'll find something great and be more confident about highlighting issues so hooe you find something soon. New beginnings 🥂

@Canadianpancake

That image will sustain me for a long time...

Here's hoping. I think in future, I'll just trust my instinct and not be so nice to people

Think of it this way.
You not cleaning once you leave will mean the mice take over.
Nasty woman will move into your room and find out big is not always beautiful.
I'd drop her in it to.landlady, as in she might want to charge nasty lady for all the free storage. Also ask if you get a rent reduction as room now not useable.
If nasty lady says about cleaning, smile at her and say well, truth will out when I leave.
People can only make you feel inferior if you let them, to be honest I don't know how you manage to stay so calm.

@mummy2017 the shit load of drugs I'm on for my hip may have something to do with that...

But I do think I have been assertive - I just think she has chosen to railroad over that. Same with the guys - if at least one person had backed me up or shown some support I don't think they would have been so difficult but everyone else was too scared. I think under the circumstances, I have done Ok (trying to reassure myself now!)

You are dealing with it all amazingly. I know these personality types and you are so right, if you don't feed their ego then will kick off. Don't think you are being kind to her by not standing upto her too much. Actually I think the kindest thing would be to put her straight every time she is being controlling. She clearly needs grounding

Re the mice, in case you can't move out as soon as you hope to, that is for the landlady to sort out. Has anyone told her there's an issue?
She pays for any pest control btw, not the tenants. If she doesn't get a shift on and sort it then you speak to environmental health at your local council. OTH... if you know you're leaving sooner.. leave the mice for bossy cow to have the pleasure of the full on mouse experience.

Just wanted to say you should get LL out to do a check of your room so you know if there is anything she expects you to do before you leave. It is not up to you to arrange new tenant that is up to LL.

Just want to clarify I am on medicine (that’s what I meant by drugs - all prescribed pain killers!)@ mummy2017

The mice have been an ongoing issue - due it has to be said to a messy household plus floorboards with big gaps. Anyone who lives in a terrace in London knows these problems. Current crowd don’t seem bothered, previous tenants were horrified. I take care of my room as the noise at night wakes me up. Landlady is aware and has suggested in past that we manage it through cleaning but it takes everyone to do that. She has said she will get environmental people out too.

I think the problem is a clash of expectations as some of the international students are horrified to be living somewhere so basic (yet cheap) plus others aren’t prepared to do anything. I have been caught in the middle and landlady has not really shown much real support as she doesn’t want to get involved. I think difficult woman sees this as me not taking control and therefore she has filled that space.

A good example is with the small room. Irrational woman moved in there and complained about poor internet reception so we chipped together to buy an extender - I Said it was landlady’s duty as house was advertised with internet in all rooms but no one listened ! Extender didn’t really work, she moved out to other room, new tenant moved in again complaints, I was very clear to tell her speak to landlady. She said it was up to person who had been here the longest - I said the landlady is best placed to pay/sort it out. Unbeknown to me other woman has bought a 40£ extender and we ended up splitting the bill.

Another example was they wanted a new kettle instead of just decliming the old one. I have

A new kettle in my room so said they could use this but they wanted a new one for £40. I had to say that I couldn’t justify paying that as it wasn’t necessary.

I mention these things to give an idea of what is going on but I do realise they are petty and trivial. I am usually happy to go along with status quo and chip in for a harmonious house but not to be taken advantage of.

I never though your were taking anything except for your leg pain.
I think your just upset, and rightly so about the nasty woman.

I'm so sorry you are having such a stressful time, especially when you are in constant pain - it does lower ones resistance.

If it were me, I would disengage from any conversations with her - she won't take your advice or answers and is just looking for a way to pick at you so she can have the bigger bedroom earlier!

Just respond to all her mitherings with "You will need to ask our LL about that", just refer her to the LL every, single time. Laughing insolence I feel would be the way forward here IMO. Meanwhile, check your contract - if the terms are being broken (by her) filling the communal areas with her crap, then you may have grounds to leave with less notice.

There is another poster on AIBU and it sounds like she has lovely rooms to rent to a considerate lodger - have a look - could be in London!!

@Notwiththeseknees - thank you, I will. She is quite threatening in her tone so I am going to pack up as quick as possible and stay with friends I think/be out as much as possible.

@mummy2017 yes, I was upset. I met up with a friend today and that has cheered me up as have all the very kind responses on here.

Thank you, everyone. I really was feeling very alone and as though it was my fault. Now, I think she just is unbalanced. I think she has probably never been around anyone who is straight with her.

OP, I feel for you, I really do. And I’m going to get flamed for this but you all sound like hard work. Just move out. Don’t hang around for three months. Speak to the landlady, agree to find someone for your room so she doesn’t lose any rent. You are picking apart every single thing every single person in the house does and keep going on about how your older - do you do this in person?

@user1473878824

No, I try not to mention my age! I have included details here to illustrate the problem but I don't think I pick things apart - I seriously just want some peace.

@user1473878824

I think the OP has just been explaining background and trying to work out if all the difficulty and hostility from dick housemate is in some way her fault or justified. She started the thread worried that it was all something that she was doing. I’m guessing she’d rather not have to bother about any of this nonsense, but doesn’t currently have the luxury of getting her own place.

It’s really shit having to deal with this sort of underhand aggression (which of course seems trivial because DH knows she can’t do something outright mental) in the place you’re meant to call your home.

It can be really difficult finding somewhere new at short notice and landlords can make things awkward with contracts, references, etc. It’s been a few years since I lived in a shared house but this sort of stuff can be absolutely exhausting and really fucking stressful.

OP you have my full sympathy!

Thanks @TheresGonnaBeARain

I have been deliberately avoiding this trying to focus on other things but I have really lost my temper with her now and am shaking and crying.

Yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen (my turn). I did an industrial level job. she has just complained that I used bleach and wore down the scourer thingy. I pulled out the cooker, cleaned and hoovered behind there, washed cupboards, door, sink, shelves, microwave the lot.

A card came through the door saying we missed a delivery. I am waiting on something but she gets 2-5 deliveries a day. The parcel was taken in by a neighbour a few doors down. The neighbour saw me as I was walking home and said we have your parcel but it was for her. I brought it home, knocked on her door, said there was a parcel for her and left it on the stairs.

She said that in future she will collect her parcel if they are at a neighbours and I explained that the card didn't have a name on it , it could have been for either of us and the neighbour just gave it to me as he saw me pass by.

Then the kick off about the bleach.

yesterday got a text saying I had left the door open (unlike me, but?)
I got home later in the day (only me and her here yesterday and both the back and front doors were open.

The internet doesn't work well in one room and I keep saying that the landlady needs to authorise an ethernet cable (basically the only thing we can do) or buy a master extender kit (I have said this several times). I think she wants me to move out so that she moves in to my room and her friend moves into her old room (which has internet).

I am so frustrated. Last year I organised the marketing for an international conference from my room with a broken hip but apparently I sit around all day doing nothing.

She gets so much wrong its unreal. She literally only hears what she wants to hear. She has said that everyone she has met through the house has commented on me but the two women I am friends with have both indicated they left because of her.

I am not interested in any of this so I have emailed them both saying this is what xx has said, I thought we were friends but if it is true please keep me out of any games.

She is pushing and pushing and pushing.

OP,

You are dealing with a bully here. I am going to try and think of some kind of solution, I hate bullies and don't want her to believe in her twisted belligerent mind she has won.

I need to think, if anyone else wants to do the same then let's put our heads together.

I'll revert back when I might have a eureka moment.

OK I'm off to do my thinking wish me luck

Yes I have read everything from the first post to the last one.

Chin up sweets,