To want to see my friend without her very young children?

[Festivefrolicsnextyear]

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

Ok OP, then add something to the text I suggested earlier along the lines of “hope you don’t mind me suggesting it, you know I love the little ones, but just really need a grown up lunch and chat at the moment.” And add a LOL here or there to lighten it up.

• waits for OP to come back with a reason why she can’t do that WITH THIS VERY CLOSE FRIEND WHO SHE’S KNOWN FOR YEARS AND YEARS.

How about we leave it puppy?

I asked if I was being unreasonable or not, having a chance to think and talk about it means I’ve reached a conclusion, so nothing else needs to happen now, does it? It’s not a Barbour coat thread, it’s a real situation and I’m grateful for the responses but time to wind it up now.

So Festive your AIBU was actually “would I be unreasonable to end my friendship because I never get to see her without the kids?” Cos you’ve already decided to do that, haven’t you? You don’t need anyone’s permission to end a friendship. You might have got different answers if you’d asked that question instead.

@Festivefrolicsnextyear

You are being TOTALLY reasonable. I don't know why some women can't drag themselves away from their kids/being a mommie... At least occasionally!

You can bet you ass that when the husband/partner/daddy of the children goes out to meet HIS mates, he doesn't bring the fucking kids along with him. Let's face it, he'd be lambasted and taken the piss out of, and would probably never live it down.

Why are women not only 'not lambasted' for it, but also actively encouraged (by some) to take the kids because she's their mom... and they NEEEEEEEEED her.

Sorry OP, but I would be saying that you want to meet her without the kids at least one in three times you see her. Text her and word it gently like a few posters have suggested, and say 'shall we have a child-free lunch/cinema trip/afternoon out shopping..?' ...(with a big smiley at the end...)

If she is refuses and is offended, then SHE is the one who is 'not much of a friend.....'

No not when the thread started hilda and I’m not going to ‘end the friendship’ I’m just not going to put myself out any more

I've never understood why friendships have to be all or nothing. There is no need to end it. Accept it has changed.

I think it’s because I’d rather let it peter than have her upset and huffy

If you don’t want to solve the issue, what was the point of the thread?

That’s why I quite clearly said up there ‘I’m not going to end the friendship.’

There isn’t a way to solve it riot, you can’t make someone want to see you!

It sounds like you're the one who doesn't really care enough about the friendship then. I think it's quite unfair not to even give her the chance to surprise you.

Ok. Was just trying to help chivvy you along a bit as I thought you wanted some sort of change, but yes leave it if you’d prefer.

And the ‘what’s the point of this thread’ posts will probably take up the next two pages

The thread has been very helpful. Thank you

The thread has been very helpful puppy but now it is less so because posters are becoming annoyed I’m not doing what they think I should do. I know my friend and the situation and I’m not going to lie and say I’ve text her and invent a fictitious response and CF for the MN January pantomime, it’s a real situation, it really has been helpful. But now I think it’s time to move on.

I'm not sure what you are after here OP. I dont really know anyone that ditches their young kids in the day time to go off with their friends regularly - life changes when you have a family. Everyone i know (we all work) meets in the evenings, drinks in the pub, dinner, quiz nights, sports clubs etc.

I meet my friends in the day for lots of different reasons without kids. We did park run this morning. We had a night away and spa last week as a Christmas treat.

It isn't ditching your kids at all. It's words like that that guilt women. No one would ever say that to a man watching football on a Saturday.

Absolutely mam that’s the same conclusion I’ve reached too.

I know on the rare occasions I get family members to watch the kids for me, I prefer to do something with my DH

The DH is there though and able to parent his own children for an hour!!

YANBU OP it would be so bloody tedious to have her children there every time you met to chat. I bet its tedious for the kids as well and they would much rather be at home with their dad playing than packed off to a cafe! It sounds like this has really damaged the friendship anyway so you have nothing to lose in directly asking her for a child free lunch. Maybe a 'can't you leave the kids with DH, give yourself an hours break'. She must be very socially unaware to do this in the first place. The only thing I can think of as a reason is that she had an arsehole DH who refuses to have them.

I don't think it's been an unreasonable request at all. I have an almost four year old and a one year old myself. My three year old has ASD and part of her coping is that when we're somewhere or with someone she's not 100% comfortable and familiar with then she completely monopolises me. She literally does not stop talking or asking questions and stands right in my face. She can't help it bless her but it does drive me mad if I'm trying to see a friend and I can imagine it's very annoying for whoever I'm with. And my one year old is at that stage where she can't be left for a second or she'll be climbing, potentially hurting herself or otherwise getting into mischief.

So I, for now, do my socialising without my children and as a result prefer to see my friends without theirs (lots of other children also unsettled my three year old). At the moment I see my friends for adult nights out, coffee when the eldest is at preschool and I can get grandparents to watch the baby for an hour or sometimes for an hour or so in the evenings where we can maybe meet in a pub for a quick bite to eat and a drink.

I'd be driven round the bend if my friends refused to see me without their children sometimes or insisted on always doing child friendly things. Everyone needs some adult time!

It probably helps that I'm a sahm though so I don't feel bad at all for having a few hours child free as I'm with them 24/7 bar the eldest's preschool hours. Most of my friends are also at home so feel the same. I imagine if you worked it'd be much harder.

You are absolutely not unreasonable. My situation is different because I don't have children, but I've had many many friendships lost because of this issue. Even when I specifically asked to see friends alone because I'd just had a miscarriage and couldn't bare to see young children and was upset.....you know, situations where the conversation will be totally inappropriate for young ears. They would agree and yet just turn up with the children and get annoyed with me when I leave after 10 minutes of trying to pretend to be happy. And yes, the husband's/father's would have loved to have time with their children.

I don't know the answer because to be brutally honest I ditched all of those friendships and found new ones with people who either had grown up or no children.

Yanbu at all OP.

I think it’s worth remembering - to the text!text!text! brigade, in particular - that OP actually knows her friend, their way of communicating, their dynamic, all that background gristle of her and and her friend’s life, so having the OP act just to move the narrative along isn’t helpful at all.

I can understand what you mean.

I don't think her husband is as supportive as you think though. A supportive husband would go 'leave the kids with me and go have fun with your friend'. Her husband is fine to let her take them all the time. She might say he is supportive but I doubt he actually is. Plus even if you've seen him be hands on with the kids, you aren't there all the time. People can behave correctly for a short period of time.

I think she has a DH problem.

The MN January pantomime sounds fun, have I missed that memo?

Good luck op.

Totally disagree with the comment that you don’t sound like a nice friend. Taking young children along totally changes the dynamic. They need constant occupying, interrupt the conversation and limit where you can go. I love children but it doesn’t mean I want them to be present every single time I go out with a friend! Sometimes it’s healthy to have a bit of child-free catch up time with a friend.

Honestly christmas he’s a good guy, he isn’t unsupportive.

Thanks hummus I do think sending a text like that so soon after we had a 5 minute coffee the other day then a walk round a toy shop then she had to leave because one of them needed a nap would upset her, maybe in a few weeks but right now I think she would be upset.

Ask her to come to yours for a takeaway one night soon, when the kids are in bed. I would. Because you do sound a bit sad about it all.