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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see my friend without her very young children?

479 replies

Festivefrolicsnextyear · 04/01/2020 09:08

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

OP posts:
Original poster
Festivefrolicsnextyear · 04/01/2020 11:41

She won’t poetry honestly, you might as well post asking me to invite boris to mine for a takeaway one night.

OP posts:
Poetryinaction · 04/01/2020 11:41

No, don't do that.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 04/01/2020 11:44

Yanbu to think it but would be unreasonable to say anything. Some parents just don't like to be away from their DC and daytime meet ups to them always mean kids come too for some reason. If she'd have wanted it child free she'd say so, as you say she has plenty of child care options.

All you can do is grit your teeth until they're both at school, but then of course she'll always be in a dash to do the school run. Maybe just be a social media friend for the foreseeable?

Lizzie0869 · 04/01/2020 11:45

I really get where you're coming from, OP. I love having child free time with friends, either leaving them with my DH or arranging something for when they're at school. You might find that when your friend's DC are in school, she'll be up for meeting up with you during the school day.

You'll also find that once the DC are older, they won't take up so much of your friend's attention when you're spending time together, because they'll entertain themselves.

I don't think it would be rude to tell your friend that you'd like to see her without her DC, if she's a close friend. It very likely has just become a habit, and she may not realise that you don't want her to always have her DC there as well.

WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey · 04/01/2020 11:48

Because I don’t want to drive 30 minutes after nearly an hours commute to work to sit in someone else’s house with someone else’s husband and someone else’s kids then drive back.

One minute he's a great guy, the next you can't bear to be in the same house as him.

Small children go to bed early. You wouldn't see the kids.

The husband, if he's such a great guy, can watch TV while you and your friend chat over coffee.

Fact is you don't want to spend adult time with your friend unless it's 100% on your terms. No wonder she won't give up her every other Saturday.

Hugtheduggee · 04/01/2020 11:48

So you can only do weekend mornings, because anything else is too inconvenient for you/you don't want to.

You are unwilling to even broach the subject with her even though it can be done on a very light touch way, and everyone had assured you wouldn't be rude (do it before your next catch up not immediately)

You are fed up of 'putting yourself out' because of her, even though you don't meet at theirs because you don't want to, donteet in the evenings because you don't want to, and haven't invited her to yours...

You'd just rather let things drift. To me it's you that isn't invested in the friendship. Maybe her too, but you are being very odd and inflexiible yourself. More so than she is

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2020 11:49

It sounds like you just want to be annoyed at your friend rather than find an actual solution. That’s fine, but it’s pointless anyone posting ways you could get around the problem.

SuperMeerkat · 04/01/2020 11:50

Yeah it would annoy me too. Now my son is 16 I like seeing friend’s little ones but not every time. I like some peace and quiet as I feel like i’ve done my time with all the noise 😂

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 04/01/2020 11:51

Would your husband ever do the kids dinner and bed etc so you could go straight out after work?

Could you text her something like 'I've got a voucher / there is a deal for x restaurant, do you fancy it one evening' (lots of places do deals in January) and pick somewhere that isn't very child friendly

WelshMammaofaSlovak · 04/01/2020 11:52

see it from my point of view, I get in at 5ish, I sort out my own kids tea, bath and bed, I then go out again to a pub to meet friend and then have to be up at 6 the next day? Her too for two days?

Honestly, this is exactly what I do. It isn't ideal and I am sometimes tired afterwards but there is no perfect solution and something has to give so in order to have child-free conversations I accept a day of being a bit tired occasionally. I know that my dc won't be a toddler forever but honestly, while she is I really value my non-working, non-mummy time for regular doses of female-led sanity!
It sounds to me like neither of you are willing to compromise or at the very least that you aren't making suggestions but are then hurt because she isn't socialising with you in a way that you haven't asked her to! At least if you ask for what you want and she says no you know where you stand.

pictish · 04/01/2020 11:53

I hear you OP and you’re right, posters aren’t being pissy because they want you to do what you’re told. I understand why evenings are out, you don’t have to explain yourself any more.

I also agree with not chasing her any further. She does sound pretty disinterested in you. It might be that she’s like that with everyone just now and it’s nothing personal...but equally, driving half an hour to watch someone parent or discuss packed lunches with their dh is a waste of your time.
Never chase.

pictish · 04/01/2020 11:53

Sorry they are being pissy...stupid ipad.

Original poster
Festivefrolicsnextyear · 04/01/2020 11:56

He is a great guy but I don’t want to sit in his house with him Confused I’ve got my own home, husband and kids.

Someone can be a great guy but you can’t say oi, turn this shit off the tv, fart, wear pyjamas and prepare for the next day. Christ! Grin

Thanks pitcsh I’ve no plans for arguing or falling out with her but I’m not spending January driving around the county chasing her either.

OP posts:
TopTipFlossie · 04/01/2020 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

astralweaks · 04/01/2020 12:01

Totally understandable, OP.

refraction · 04/01/2020 12:03

One minute he's a great guy, the next you can't bear to be in the same house as him.

Small children go to bed early. You wouldn't see the kids.

They really don't. Mine was a terrible sleeper and would have been excited by the visitor.

The husband, if he's such a great guy, can watch TV while you and your friend chat over coffee. ^

So are lots of people it doesn't mean you want to hang out with them when your there to see a friend.^

Fact is you don't want to spend adult time with your friend unless it's 100% on your terms. No wonder she won't give up her every other Saturday.

^Agree slightly with this but then as pp said she knows her friend and the dynamics and in my experience you can't chat freely with the oh listening in and some don't get the hint to go to bed and this is arguably not fair when they could go elsewhere.
^

ChocolateTeapots1 · 04/01/2020 12:04

If she's a good mate can't you just say? It isn't hard! "Lets have a brew leave the kids at home so we can chat". My mates would probably thing I have something to tell them if I did that but they'd show up without kids!

DeathStare · 04/01/2020 12:08

OP you NEVER know someone else's circumstances. NEVER. Have a read through threads on here just to see how many women are secretly holding it together while husbands are abusive or are addicts and even their closest friends and family don't know.

I found out in the last 12 months that one of my very closest friends had an agreement with her husband that she would never ask him to do childcare. EVER. Not even for an hour. I have been close friends with her for over 30 years, and their oldest child is now an adult, the youngest not far behind. Nobody would have ever suspected this - outwardly he seems like a very involved dad. He goes to every school event and often will take the kids out on his own. But the deal is that weekends are his time-off - if he wants to take the kids out somewhere he will offer but she has not to ask him to look after them as the answer will be no. In over 18 years of her being a parent I had no idea.

Having said all that... I think there are ways you could politely ask her to meet without the children. You could have tickets to somewhere unsuitable for children - a spa, an afternoon tea for two, cinema followed by meal. You could could tell you have a personal problem that you need her advice on and that it's not appropriate around the children.

However from the sounds of it you also seem quite inflexible. You are very married to the idea that you will meet in certain places and not others, at certain times and not others, and to do certain things and not others - other posters have made suggestions to try to help but you are just dismissing them. While you are both so inflexible - you to where/when you meet and her to bringing her children - then I think your friendship probably is doomed. But if you want to save it the onus is on BOTH of you to be more flexible not just her.

Original poster
Festivefrolicsnextyear · 04/01/2020 12:09

Like I say death if I am wrong and she’s married to an abusive prick I will run naked down the street, seriously.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 04/01/2020 12:11

I get this. My DSis was like this for years and years. In the end I backed right off, stopped contacting her apart from occasionally and our relationship did recover a bit once they hit upper primary age. She can only think about/do one thing at a time.

I also suspect that in private the DH isn't as competent or willing as you think. That or she's anxious about leaving them with anyone at all.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2020 12:13

Go out for dinner.

CaMePlaitPas · 04/01/2020 12:16

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Sometimes I take my young children (2.5 and 19 months) out with me to see friends when they want to see them or I don't have childcare, but most of the time I love getting away for a few hours with someone who knows me and knows who I was before all the nursery rhymes and shitty nappies. You've got kids, you know what it's like - invite her out for a coffee kid-free and if she says that she can't you can say, next time then! I haven't read the full thread, I'm sure others have posted similarly.

darthbreakz · 04/01/2020 12:19

I think you can ask as others have said. But I also think that this is a limited time in your lives where small kids are around and if it takes a few years to get back to that place where kids aren't always there then that's just life really.

You might need to be a bit philosophical about it - it's a life stage for both of you and this too shall pass.

Notodontidae · 04/01/2020 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pictish · 04/01/2020 12:22

There is a god? What?

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