To want to see my friend without her very young children?

[Festivefrolicsnextyear]

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

Why the face purple?

Is that set in stone, every single week, every Saturday, every Sunday? Honestly? I think we have quite nice family time but I don’t think every single Saturday or Sunday is booked up from now until June.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter, I suppose the truth is she isn’t bothered about seeing me, which is where the thread has been helpful because it’s helped me understand this and I won’t bother in return.

What does she say when you turn up without your kids?

Can you arrange to go out in an evening (hopefully she wouldn't think to bring the kids then!). Maybe she'll realise how much she enjoys time without the children in tow and do it more often.

Although to be honest, I always enjoyed time without my kids but would have felt guilty 'abandoning ship' during the daytime, even though my husband would have been more than willing and capable, and my kids weren't clingy either. I just felt that daytime was family time and arranged to see friends in the evening when the kids were in bed. Does she work in the week (?kids at nursery / school)? Maybe she only gets two days with them and wants to make the most of it.

Pulling, I have answered that, and plus it’s still a bit unfair isn’t it - I have to drive to hers and have a cup of tea while she chats to her DH about the minutiae of the day and the week.

Why would it be loads to ask your DH to parent his children for two hours?

I understand exactly where you are coming from Festive. My advice would be to be more direct. If she says no, then you know to leave it a few years .

I have a friend who when I text, I sometimes say "Have you any child free time over the weekend of the 12/13th? smiley face" then it is clear but friendly what I am asking of her.

I know it seems quite a big deal in your case because your friend is joined at the hip at the moment. But could you text something with no drama - "Hey, could Bob (her dh) look after the kids sometime this weekend for a couple of hours? I could pick you up and we could go for a coffee?"

She may say no but then at least you know how the land lies.

Nothing green why?

I might well try that chamonile thanks

11 till 1 on a Saturday, maybe it just doesn’t work for whatever reason,

I suppose the question is whether she is bringing anything to the friendship. Otherwise you have the choice of asking her whether the odd child-free outing is possible, or assuming not and choosing to continue or step back.
Really no need to snap at me, the term ‘bad parent’ was right there in one of your posts.

I agree with other posters, requests for 'girls weekends' away can be wearing. Especially when you know that the person asking drops off their kids at the grandparents for overnight stays most weekends. They get the chance for both parents to get a break. If you don't gave extended family able to help out then it's a hard weekend for the other parent.

11 o clock to 1 o clock on a Saturday sounds like prime family time to me.

What, every single Saturday?

Possibly on a Saturday night, but she wants to stay in with her DH or go out with mummy friends.

Hang on, so she does go out for weekend evenings with friends - just not with you? In that case I do think it's quite unreasonable of you to not even consider weekend evenings, as she obviously does consider them viable - and if she says no to you when she'll go out with others on a Saturday night then that tells you something.

You seem really fixated on a weekend morning being the best, but I really disagree. It's actually quite annoying because going out for brunch seems to be what my friends without children do now - they seem to much prefer it to evenings out - but going out for brunch, with travel, means I miss the whole best part of a toddler day, so I go for birthday brunches (which itself can be once a month!) but always say no to going out for brunch for a random catch up.

lisa I get that it might sound like this without knowing he dynamics of the friendship but she would go out for a prearranged big night out but not for a quick drink. Tbh I have tried this and it’s just a non starter - she can’t do Saturday night ‘but why don’t we have coffee on Sunday’ and then she pulls up in the car and starts carting the kids out. Like I say I’ve realised through this thread that the friendship is pretty much dead.

And honestly I’m not fixated on weekend mornings at all - I said that in response to another poster who said something about being away from the kids all weekend or something like that. I was just pointing out a couple of hours isn’t all weekend.

If I text her now and I said I can meet you any time in the next week I promise we’d end up meeting during the day.

I'm not sure what you are after here OP. I dont really know anyone that ditches their young kids in the day time to go off with their friends regularly - life changes when you have a family. Everyone i know (we all work) meets in the evenings, drinks in the pub, dinner, quiz nights, sports clubs etc.

Hm, I hadn't picked up on you really only wanting weekend mornings/lunchtimes. If an evening (be it weekday or weekend) works well for her, that seems the obvious solution. I get you're tired after work, but a couple of hours for a quiet drink one evening won't break the sleep bank, surely.

I always wonder what will happen to these people when their children grow up
Investing in a variety of relationships, be they friends, hobbies, volunteering whatever is healthy and a good model for our children
One day they don't want to spend time with you in the Same way or need you in the same way
Do these people who do nothing without their children wake up one day and realise they now don't have any other relationships?
Does this bother them?
Two of mine are adults and we do spend time together but it is a very different relationship

Ummm... don’t some of the dads here ever want 1:1 time with their children?

Today, my husband is taking our 10month breastfed baby out for a few hours.

To fill the time I’m having lunch with friends.

This happens about once a month since DS was 2months old.

I do enjoy being away from my baby but I appreciate that DH needs his time too so I plan for this time too.

How horrible - ditches - I don’t ‘ditch’ my kids if I go to Tesco, I leave them with their dad!

catte but she doesn’t WANT to! I was just explaining that on this, I can actually understand why she doesn’t want to, whereas the turning up with the kids does annoy me a bit.

I think those people continue to see the friends that were patient with them when the children were small, or make new friends.

I can understand being knackered after a workday, but could your OH deal with the kids while you get ready to go out ?

A glass of wine somewhere isn't that much more expensive than a daytime coffee

If that's just too stressful before a very early morning start, then why not say bluntly:
"Can we chill next Saturday with a child-free lunch and mooch in town"

Are so many male OH's really such useless / selfish parents that they can't parent their own child for a couple of hours ?

X post again :)

It does seem to me that you have quite a strong sense that she's not really interested in you any more and you may be looking on this thread for reasons why that's not the case, or confirmation - I do think you're going to have to talk to her, because it does seem as if this is eating away at you.

Do men only socialise with their DC around ?
Or feel guilty when they socialise without them ?

I don't think your are unreasonable OP.

I've watched many friends (not close ones) disappear off the face of the earth when they've had children.

They do seem to have time for their 'mum friends' but I think that's because all they want to talk about is sleep training and weaning too.

I like kids, I love my friend's kids and I enjoy spending time with them but everyone wants some one on one time with their mates now and again surely?

The ones that I've managed to keep good friendships with are the ones who have been able to find a good balance and haven't had a total personality change.

I will admit it's easier for the ones that have partners who properly co-parent and don't see looking after their own children as babysitting and they also have family members who are keen to babysit.

But even then, they seem to disappear into the fog of coffee mornings and soft play and it takes years for them to re-emerge.

I know it's not always easy to get kid-free time and parents are often knackered and skint but if people really give a shit about their friendships then they need to at least make a small effort to maintain them.

It's the same when people get a new partner and they fuck off for ages then expect to pick up the pieces when it cools/they break up.

As for every weekend being solely 'family time', really? Every single weekend of the year has to be spent with family? I feel panicky at the thought. Where's the time and space to be your own person?

Don’t assume the husband is a lovely guy who would be happy to have the kids while she goes out. Someone close to me has a husband who the most of the world seems to think the sun shines out his arse. However the truth is he’s a controlling dick, and she always takes the kids with her because he makes her pay for it in subtle (nasty) ways if she doesn’t. And most of the world is oblivious- even she seems to be oblivious, he’s a brilliant manipulator and it’s WAY more common than you think. Maybe that is what’s going on here. And don’t say “it isn’t” cos you really can’t be sure, it took me a decade to see through this guy.

Hi friend,I’m childfree ,are you? Let’s meet for lunch .
Oh got the kids ? Never mind ,do it another time when your free x