Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see my friend without her very young children?

479 replies

Festivefrolicsnextyear · 04/01/2020 09:08

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

OP posts:
Hugtheduggee · 04/01/2020 16:57

Lol at the 'i couldn't possibly do an evening as I'm a teacher'. Many people work in the evenings. I often work until 11 or 12, am up at 5 of 6, and still manage to go out in the evenings sometimes. Well not right now due to bottle refusing baby, but until then.

Of you don't want to go out in the evening that's your call, but its your issue, not that it's a silly idea.

And clearly you don't know the husband that well if you are refusing to go round there, so in don't see how you can be absolutely certain of his behaviour.

ChristmasSweet · 04/01/2020 16:57

I'm not even saying he is abusive. Think he is just lazy or an absent father.

Maybe others are right though, she sees you as her child friend and not as a child free friend. Guess all you can do is try and arrange proper child free days and specify that to see what she says. If she says no, either she is just obsessed with the kids or doesn't see you as that kind of friend. I think categorising friends like that is odd though, how can you be good enough for one thing and not others?

MrsBricks · 04/01/2020 17:30

I've just got home after meeting up with some people for coffee (took two of my DC with me!).

Later tonight I'll be going to the pub with some other friends, all DC at home with DH...

pictish · 04/01/2020 17:33

“ Think he is just lazy or an absent father. “

Go on then. The OP says he isn’t, she knows him and describes him as a hands-on dad. She has been keen to establish that it’s not an issue with her friend’s husband or marriage throughout the thread.

You seem to have another opinion so please elaborate on that and tell us what draws you to the conclusion that he’s ‘just lazy’ or an ‘absent father’. I’d love to know because frankly the persistence going into making this about the husband is making some of you seem...overbearing.

Xmasbaby11 · 04/01/2020 17:34

When my kids were 2 and 4 I would always meet childfree friends without my kids. It would have been so hard to have a decent conversation with the dc around. Not really worth it for anyone involved!

thickwoollytights · 04/01/2020 17:44

You either open up to her and ask her for one on one adult time occasionally, or you accept that this is as good as it gets for a few years

End of - it's not any more complicated than this

Tigger001 · 04/01/2020 18:05

She may just like the company of her kids

I have a friend of 20 years, we used to do lots together and when we were single (out a little too much maybe Blush) , then we were married without kids it moved to weekends morning or afternoons.

Now we both have children, the dynamic has changed but we have both changed together. We go out of a night maybe once every 6 months, other then that as she works every day we plan our time for a weekend morning.

We both want to make time for each other and the only reasonable time is a weekend. Spending time with my friend is just as important as spending time with my husband, I see my husband every evening and we have a family day out one day over the weekend. She has come to my house straight after work if we can't sort another time out, my DH busies himself with our DS in the other room while we talk rubbish or I go to her house and her DH busies himself with their DS.

It sounds to me like maybe she doesn't want to be going out doing the things you are suggesting, people can grow apart if sacrifices aren't made and can even if they are, but its sounds like you are both just not on the same page and want different things now, she obliviously wants to have her children with her, which is perfectly reasonable and I can understand that and at that age it's not like you have lots to carry about, it's just them and a drink so no real hassle for her. But you would prefer she didn't.

I think if you have been friends for years you should just be able to say, "I fancy a catch up without the kids, do you fancy it? " I certainly wouldn't be offended if any of the girls asked me ( I may say no though as my DS is great company Grin)
You will then have your answer.

Mary46 · 04/01/2020 18:26

Could you say would you fancy x night out hard talk with watching kids aswell. But agree no point forcing it. I think its healthy time away from kids

Hepsibar · 04/01/2020 18:31

Me and my best friend never saw each other without our children until they were teenagers and just had to deal with the interruptions ... even then still occasional interruptions ... I feel it is par for the course. Some people maybe lucky to get "me" time if they have nannies or other help or dont work and so during school time or nursery time.

Newname1978 · 04/01/2020 18:56

If she wants to bring her children with her that's her choice. If she doesn't want to meet you without them that's her choice. Why should she change what she wants to do? If you don't want to meet her without her kids then choose not to meet her. If you want to meet her with her kids then do it. You said yourself she just wants to have them with her. She shouldn't have to do something she doesn't want to to please you.

Original poster
Festivefrolicsnextyear · 04/01/2020 19:00

No of course she shouldn’t new but well, it does make seeing her pretty pointless.

I am immensely grateful to pitcsh Grin

OP posts:
Cohle · 04/01/2020 19:23

I assume your kids are different ages? Or else I would just take mine too and treat it as a play date.

But with kids of your own and as a teacher I don't think it would come across as a personal dig to say you'd had it up to the back teeth with kids that week and you'd love to meet up for some adult conversation. Clearly you feel that would be mortally offensive somehow though.

Sunshine1235 · 04/01/2020 19:33

If she’s a good friend then just say to her ‘I’m desperate for some child free time and a good catch up let’s go for lunch/a drink etc’ she Maybe just hasn’t really thought about it/doesn’t realise that’s what you want or need.

MNersAreBatshit · 04/01/2020 19:41

I'm at a loss as to why you wouldn't just bin her.

Apart from the fact that she obviously doesn't value your friendship, she seems like a complete bore.

I can't view women who don't want to spend some quality adult time away from their children with anything other than utter contempt.

fishonabicycle · 04/01/2020 20:15

Suggest a nice wine bar for lunch? Or I would suggest kid free (but all my friends would have been up for that like a shot! Obviously all shit mothers).

Barbie222 · 04/01/2020 20:29

I can't view women who don't want to spend some quality adult time away from their children with anything other than utter contempt.

I'm sure there are two sorts of people on this earth - those who get on and manage life with their children and those who fall to pieces without constant breaks and have a low tolerance for children in general. Once you know which camp you are in life's a lot easier and the people you socialise with are much more your kind of people.

JKScot4 · 04/01/2020 20:30

Why can people with kids or who work not ho out during the week? It doesn’t need to be an all nighter, drink & dinner home by 10/11. I’m mystified by this rigid weekend = family time, I don’t know anyone who sticks to this, things happen/crop up just go along as things happen 🙄

1300cakes · 04/01/2020 20:32

I didn't leave my kids because I actually chose to have them!

Assuming you have a DP, he chose to have them as well, didn't he? Doesn't it seem strange so many mums "can't be away from their kids for an hour" but so many dads can't be with them for even an hour. And the mum thinks that's just fine?Confused

OP yanbu. It's annoying. With most of my friends we check while arranging the meet up whether it will be a kids or no kids thing as we want to be on the same page, no one offended. However some people just don't see why they should.

I think it would be worth trying a gentle text. In a few weeks like you said, not five minutes after your last meeting with kids.

For everyone saying meet up in the evenings, rtft! The friend does not want to do that!

KnickyKnacky2020 · 04/01/2020 20:40

How old are your children? Did you say?

When the weather turns nicer you could suggest a weekend picnic in the local park with husbands and children, a few games. Not ideal but you could chat whilst the children play.

Surely even the 2 year old is not glued to her mother and if yours are slightly older they could suggest hide and seek within a reasonable distance range.

feelinglost02 · 04/01/2020 20:40

Ask her if she fancies a girly lunch child free anytime. If she makes excuses she doesn't want to leave them and you have to accept it. Things might change as they get older. She may have severe anxiety over them and not trust anyone to look after them. I struggle with this and have basically no social life because of it. It's not easy

Verily1 · 04/01/2020 20:42

Go to a soft play where the kids can run off and play and you can chat alone.

Mary46 · 04/01/2020 20:53

Would she do a play centre and you both get a cuppa there? Found it stressful with small kids at meetups just constant interruption or mindful with hot coffee around them. Has friendship ran its course perhaps

Lizzie0869 · 04/01/2020 20:55

Tbh, thinking about it, it's easy to forget that finding childcare for children of 2 and 4 can be hard. I didn't get out much without my DDs at that age. DD2 was very clingy then; she used to scream if I left her with anyone other than my DH. I did use to take them with me mostly back then.

Evenings were the only time when I could go out, when my DH was at home. Or sometimes my DM would babysit so we could go out together occasionally.

My DDs are 10 and 7 now, so it was some time ago when they were at home all day.

JKScot4 · 04/01/2020 20:59

A soft play centre?? That’s my idea of hell if your hoping for child free.
How many times does OP say her DH is there and she still brings them??
Too many parents assume everyone is delighted and amused by their kids; they’re not.

Noodledoodledoo · 04/01/2020 21:03

I do think your reluctance to go out in an evening is part of your issue. I am also a teacher, with two small kids. I don't get home till 6 most nights, having done exercise either before or after school.

I am out 3 nights of the week after I have done bathtime - 2 nights take no organising I just show up, the other night I am volunteering. I still manage to get all my work done as well as not being a hermit during the week.

I do understand your frustrations but do think you need to consider other options.

Swipe left for the next trending thread