To want to see my friend without her very young children?

[Festivefrolicsnextyear]

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

I teach too. Leadership plus 4 days in class.
I'm not insinuating that you are lying, just that you may need to change the status quo to maintain friendships once juggling kids and work (as, of course will your friend). If not, friendships will fall away.
We are lucky in our profession to have great holidays. Maybe you could meet her then if she's part time. A bit of a compromise.

I think all friends have to be flexible its 2 way thing! Cafes are tricky hot cuppas etc if kids at table

Bloody hell mydc

I do scatter. The kids are always there.

green sigh

Taking two hours on a Saturday to see a friend for coffee every couple of weeks doesn’t make me a neglectful parent,

It’s not great though is it? Not if you work in the week

If an average weekend day you are awake between 8-10. Its about 7 percent of your weekend. Hardly not great and perfectly reasonable. Its not even every week. Again if it was a man no one would bat an eye.

OP, I'm a bit curious as to why/how you are so very, very, vehemently sure that there is no dickish behaviour from the dh's side?

Why not just say the distance ?

How far is pita?

Oh for goodness sake, to those insinuating that she's a bad parent for having 2 hours to herself at the weekend whilst DC are with... their other parent. I absolutely despair.

@Crystal87

I know on the rare occasions I get family members to watch the kids for me, I prefer to do something with my DH. I wouldn't use it to go for a coffee with a friend. And on his weekends off, we prefer to spend time together as haven't seen him much during the week. Maybe you aren't as high on her list of priorities as she is on yours.

And that is why 20 years on you will wonder why you don't have any friends. When you've put all your egg in your DH's basket and he fucks off with a younger model. It happens. A lot.

She isn't, asking once a week, just for once!

OP- YANBU - ask her, see what she says. book some evening adult free activities?

I'd just message and say "hey X, fancy a childfree lunch one Saturday? Let me know what dates your dh is free to have the little ones and we can have a good catch up over a glass of wine x"

“ OP, I'm a bit curious as to why/how you are so very, very, vehemently sure that there is no dickish behaviour from the dh's side?‘

Why are you still plugging away at this?
She knows them! Yes...as in actually knows them in real life, in the flesh, as people that feature as friends.
You’ll just have respect that she has insight into this scenario that you can’t even hope to possess, take her word for it and stop hassling her to concede to your conjecture. Christ! Give up!

YANBU in the slightest

I didn't leave my kids because I actually chose to have them! I only had a babysitter maybe 5 nights in their whole childhood. I also stayed home with mine then worked pt because kids need a parent home. Perhaps I'm old fashioned but I had child free fun before kids and I'm loving my freedom now they are adults

I didn't leave my kids because I actually chose to have them! I only had a babysitter maybe 5 nights in their whole childhood. I also stayed home with mine then worked pt because kids need a parent home. Perhaps I'm old fashioned

No, just judgy

Is her birthday coming up? Talk to a her husband/parents/whatever and then book a meal out or spa day or whatever for the 2 of you.

@daydreambeleiver nice bit of judgment there! People can love their kids and still want a life you know. If you've chosen to spend every waking moment with yours then great but luckily most manage to find a balance.

YANBU.

Just wondering though, if she’s always bringing the kids along despite her DH being available, it might be a sign all is not well. My good friend did this for a while prior to her separation and it was because her DH could never be bothered looking after his own children, and resented her going out with friends. At the time I just thought she didn’t want to be away from them.

@daydreambeleiver
Do you have any friends now

'Hi yep friend did this. Just no peace at all in it. Kind felt it was a habit as coffee was short. Have kids myself. Then I heard she had a night out with my sister!'

There you go! another example of people have different roles for different friends and if you're relegated to being a coffee with the kids friend then accept it or don't, but complaining probably won't make any difference. It will just make the op look needy and the friend will back off.

'Why are you still plugging away at this?
She knows them! Yes...as in actually knows them in real life, in the flesh, as people that feature as friends.
You’ll just have respect that she has insight into this scenario that you can’t even hope to possess, take her word for it and stop hassling her to concede to your conjecture. Christ! Give up!'

I'm simply curious, as are others, as to how someone outside the marriage can know with such insistent certainty (to the extent of being willing to bet her house/do a Lady Godiva) how things are within it.

Haven’t read all the replies, but would going out on a Friday night work? I’m guessing neither of you work on a Saturday. Could you invite her over to yours for drinks and food in the evening when you know her children would be in bed, with her DH obviously looking after them?

Or would it be a possibility to invite her and her DH round to yours for dinner (without children obviously) one Saturday evening with grandparents babysitting?

Or in other words...because she says so. End of discussion.

I haven't RTFT but some of the PP on the first page clearly have no lives outside of looking after their own children. No offence, obvs.

OP I get it, I like kids as much as the next person but I would occasionally like to meet up with another parent friend without being interrupted every five seconds by a kid going "Mummy/Auntie Stoned, I can count to 12!"

I like the idea of suggesting a spa day or something similar!

I'm simply curious, as are others, as to how someone outside the marriage can know with such insistent certainty (to the extent of being willing to bet her house/do a Lady Godiva) how things are within it.

I imagine the OP has a better idea of the character of her friend's DH than a load of randoms on the internet, who keep insisting he must be abusive.

The OP has said that her friend meets other people without her DC in tow, so she leaves the kids with him at other times.

There seems to be a few lazy husband enablers on this thread and Mummy martyrs. The latter is their prerogative the enabling is so sad. Its 2020.