To want to see my friend without her very young children?

[Festivefrolicsnextyear]

My friend has a four year old and a two year old. Since she had them, I’ve seen her without them twice for a concert that tickets were already booked for. I’ve never seen her without both children since she had the youngest.

I have kids myself and I know how these threads go - she’s married, with a supportive husband, both her parents and sister are alive and live locally, her PILs are also alive and live locally. I’ve been at their house due to go out for lunch with her dh there and watching telly and she’s still packed the children up to come out with us.

They are lovely kids. But they are still young kids. They walk slowly. They need naps. They interrupt constantly.

I think it’s just a fixed habit by now - they go where she goes.

Is there a polite way of saying ‘shall we do X and don’t bring the kids?’

I do know what you mean even though I think we are both being a little unreasonable...My own kids are older now, one a teenager and one a little younger. I don't want to go out with little children anymore. Just suggest a childfree lunch and say you will arrange a child friendly activity the next time

I’d find it bizarre. I’d not hesitate to leave my children with their dad for a few hours for coffee with a friend. Much nicer for everyone. You both sound a bit inflexible though. I don’t get why you wouldn’t do a Friday evening when the kids are in bed and you don’t have to work the next day.

Just ask her. She might just prefer to take her kids with her, when mine were young I always took mine with me as it got them out of the house and tired them out wouldn’t of been offended if anyone invited me out with the kids though.
(Nowadays I just give the kids to the DH and shout “bye” and do a runner 🤣). It’s not like you’re going to offend her if she’s a good friend.

'I agree. She’s just not as bothered. She’s sees you as a coffee with kids kind of person. She doesn’t invite you out on any weekend evenings.'

Yes, we all have friends we see at different times and in different situations. There is a subconscious social hierarchy and the op is a daytime coffee with the kids friend. I don't mean to sound unkind just accept it or don't but it would be weird and pushy to suggest she leaves her kids behind.

New job, crab?

New job?

We are not talking about “awful domestic situations”, we are talking about the default responsibility for childcare falling to the woman. Which is incredibly common, probably the norm.

You both sound as hard work as each other.
You get in around 5 (lucky you!), have a supportive DH and can't meet her for a couple of hours, say 8-10 one night because you will be exhausted .
Sorry but that's ridiculous. I'm a single parent with 3, work in a job which means I get back (much!) Later than 5 (as I would think most people do) and still make the effort to see friends in the evening here or there. I'm not that young (40ish) and have to be up at (shock horror) 5am. You are being really precious about it.
The problem is you have ringfenced weekday evenings, she has ringfenced weekend days, and neither of you will budge.

I know that christmas believe me. But I don’t think the solution to it is not having your children leave your side for the next decade.

No scatter, for at least the third time, she doesn’t want to meet weekday evenings and I understand this as neither do I. Yes, I am incredibly lucky getting in at the perfectly normal working time of 5.

Have you asked her if she wants to meet on a weekday evening?

Yes, scatter and she doesn’t because her DH doesn’t get in until 6 and then baths and bed and then drive to the pub and then back home again and then she’s woken at 6 with kids and so am I but I’d have to be up at 6 anyway.

It really isn’t being inflexible to not want to be driving across the county when you’re up early the next day. For her AND me.

How far away from each other do you live

Close enough that meeting in the middle isn’t a problem. Far enough to make it a PITA

Let’s wrap it, shall we?

Christmas your DH sounds awful. Wow he does a pick up and some house work so that gives him carte blanche to act like a tool the rest of the time.

You can't even go for a run? Wow.

Hmm. You gave the impression earlier that you hadn't asked her.
I suspect that whatever anyone says you will have magically asked her and she will have said no.
I genuinely think a lot of this is about perceptions. In my circle of friends (all professional or managerial, but across a wide range of areas/industries), finishing at 5/6pm would be considered pretty early. Do none of you socialise/do hobbies/ go the gym/cinema in the evening? I would find that incredibly constricting, but I guess we are all different.
If you want to stay friends, one of you is going to have to step out of their comfort zone. I guess only you two can decide if the friendship is worth that.

Sorry, I should say 5/6pm is a very 'reasonable' time to finish rather than 'early'.

If you've off-loaded your children, why on earth would she imagine you want to go out with hers? If her husband is there, I'd say brightly, "Great that you're minding the kids ." Or suggest that both husbands take them to the park or something. (And then detach yourself from your phone because that's rude, too!)

'But I don’t think the solution to it is not having your children leave your side for the next decade.'

I'd imagine the dc do 'leave her side'. You don't sound that keen on her why do you even want to meet up? Just move on and meet other friends. Leave her to see friends who like being with her kids.

Yanbu.

Just have an open straightforward conversation about it.
Be direct with your friend and ask her if she'd like to see you on occasion without her kids, and if so work out a mutually agreeable time.

I don't think you need to pussyfoot around this.

We are all different in our set ups and preferences, some people working full time are happy to socialise in the evenings, some are not. Some ring fence weekends for "family time" and others don't.

I prioritise my female friendships quite highly and would certainly make child free time for them on a weekend or an evening.

I also don't assume that my adult friends necessarily want to spend time with my kids - or my husband - if the friendship is originally with me.

There are no rights and wrongs about this but don't be scared to say what you want in a relationship and then Maybe you will get it.

I teach scatter so I do have to work in the evenings. I sometimes might go to the gym or exercise but that’s an hour or an hour and a half or so. I don’t really appreciate the insinuation I’m lying.

GetOff I don’t know her any more to be honest.

Taking two hours on a Saturday to see a friend for coffee every couple of weeks doesn’t make me a neglectful parent,
It’s not great though is it? Not if you work in the week.

Hi yep friend did this. Just no peace at all in it. Kind felt it was a habit as coffee was short. Have kids myself. Then I heard she had a night out with my sister! They were in school together. When I say a habit she couldnt stay long when we met. That was my experience.!

Ask her to join you at the gym and have a sauna together