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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely FUMING with DS13

134 replies

SkaTastic · 03/01/2020 20:31

Who told his step Dad today - who I have been with for 12 years so isnt exactly new

"If I didnt know you I would think you were a racist. Like one of them EDL people."

All said with a horrible, awful smirk on his face which he wears 90% of the time these days.

Husband is a skin head mental looking dude.

AIBU to be totally, totally fuming?

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 03/01/2020 20:36

Teach him about stereotypes? tell him smirking teenagers usually get there arse kicked by people thinking they are being cunts?

Seriously the usual response is that's nice dear

QueefLatifah · 03/01/2020 20:38

You just called him a “skinhead mental looking dude” ?!

ActualHornist · 03/01/2020 20:39

Not a nice thing to say but I believe this is what is referred to as ‘pushing boundaries’.

Ignore it or you’ll spend the next 6 years wound up!

DisappearingGirl · 03/01/2020 20:40

Err did you mean "metal looking"?

DFAMA · 03/01/2020 20:41

Did you mean to write metal?

FTMF30 · 03/01/2020 20:41

YABU on the basis of how you've described DS yourself.

thejollyroger · 03/01/2020 20:42

I think parents need thicker skins than this.

My DD grabbed my nose today and said, “Big, squishy nose!” I didn’t take it that personally.

QueefLatifah · 03/01/2020 20:43

@thejollyroger ah but is your child 3 or 13 😂

Sparklesocks · 03/01/2020 20:44

Maybe an opportunity to talk about stereotypes and how certain styles are affiliated with subcultures but doesn’t mean that everyone who dresses/styles themselves a certain way is aligned with that. And tell him to stop smirking.

FizzyIce · 03/01/2020 20:44

Sometimes these little shits like to push boundaries as they like to see the fall out .
My ds did it around the same age with my dh who has been in his life since he was 4 .
Ds was even worse at 15/16 .

thejollyroger · 03/01/2020 20:44

She’s 3. 😂 But still, kids are unaware of how what they say affects others. At 13 they’re still very young.

ghostyslovesheets · 03/01/2020 20:49

pick your battles

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 03/01/2020 20:52

I don’t know.. I guess it’s maybe a case that all neo-nazis are skinheads, but not all skinheads are neo-nazis? Your son made an observation (albeit not a polite one) you probably just need to follow up with a conversation about not judging a book by its cover. I also think adolescence is a tricky time for stepparent / stepchild relationships.

VenusTiger · 03/01/2020 20:55

mental looking er..... DS takes after you OP

BumbleBeee69 · 03/01/2020 20:58

You just called him a “skinhead mental looking dude” ?!

Yes this has confused me too... Confused

titchy · 03/01/2020 21:01

Why didn't you agree with your ds? He was right - a lot of people would think that about your dp based on his appearance.Confused

Singlenotsingle · 03/01/2020 21:02

Everyone's being unreasonable. DS for being so rude, you for saying such a strange thing about dp, and dp for looking so weird in the first place. "Skin head mental looking" ? FFS!

itsgettingweird · 03/01/2020 21:04

My response when my teen ds says things based on learnt stereotypes is "and people will think x about you due to y". Basically I pick on an appearance or thing he's said or done. It usually works in that he reflects on his words.

But we can't get away from the fact stereotypes still do exist. They always will. As long as people recognise a stereotype I'd just that and don't assign behaviours or treat someone a certain way due to it then it's fine. Just gently challenge.

Twillow · 03/01/2020 21:04

Sorry, I don't get why you are fuming. Do you think he said it to wind him up, or was it more of an observation about how society judges people by appearances. Personally I'm impressed he knows about racism and the edl, unlike a schoolchild of 14 I spoke to recently who was completely unaware 'paki' was a racist term.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/01/2020 21:04

Is that not a compliment?
That he knows step dad is not a racist?

MinTheMinx · 03/01/2020 21:07

I think parents need thicker skins than this.

This. Sadly your DS is probably correct if your own description of your DH is correct. Stereotyping is alive and well as we all know (however much we don't like it).

Yetanotherwinter · 03/01/2020 21:08

Given how you described your husband no wonder he’s making stereotypes.

GertiMJN · 03/01/2020 21:11

Could you clarify what it is exactly that you are "fuming" about.

If ds said the words that you have posted, all he has said is that your dp is NOT a racist and that people can be stupid enough to react to a stereotype ....

I'm honestly confused by what the problem is.

BaolFan · 03/01/2020 21:13

Depends on how you want to play it.

Gentle - that's not a very nice thing to say.

Nuclear - and if I didn't know you I would assume you were a spoiled, self centred, badly behaved and rude little boy.

helpfulperson · 03/01/2020 21:14

I can totally understand why you would want to explain to your son why what he said isn't OK and in the real world could get him into a lot of trouble, however 'fuming' is a total overreaction.