To be absolutely FUMING with DS13

[SkaTastic]

Who told his step Dad today - who I have been with for 12 years so isnt exactly new

"If I didnt know you I would think you were a racist. Like one of them EDL people."

All said with a horrible, awful smirk on his face which he wears 90% of the time these days.

Husband is a skin head mental looking dude.

AIBU to be totally, totally fuming?

compares DH to a bunch of horrible racist morons

Except he didn't compare him to them – he contrasted them. "If I didn't know you I would think X, based on your appearance. Since I do, I don't think that."

Nothing wrong with acknowledging your own automatic preconceptions and judgements – think we could all do with calling out our automatic biases.

But it doesn't sound like you took it that way, so I wonder if we perhaps need a bit of context for this to get why you're so fuming?

Was it a comment out of the blue, or part of a discussion?

Not sure how thick our skins need to be to be when he is so rude and compares DH to a bunch of horrible racist morons?

Er, but he didn't compare him to them..he explicitly acknowledged your DH isn't racist.

Seriously, is this the first time you've both found out that many people think "skinhead metal-looking men" are EDL members? If so, he's done you a favour.

I think that the OP does mean "mental"

Stereotypical fans of Metal usually have long hair.

He absolutely wasnt very kindly saying "oh step Dad, isnt it dreadful that some people would look at you and think that you might be a racist. That would be really, really awful."

He made a statement, out of the blue, while smirking. We are not looking for offense, quite the opposite all we do is tiptoe around him in case we upset him.

Josette I wouldn't think a metalhead with a big beard looked like an EDL type at all though, certainly not the stereotype of metal/mosher types I know of. If I was stereotyping then more likely to be a polo shirt, Stone Island, or trackies and trainers type (based off the racist wankers in my home town).

Just to point out again- I would never describe someone as looking "mental". Ever. Just as I wouldnt describe someone as looking like they are from the EDL just because they have a shaved head.

Josette I wouldn't think a metalhead with a big beard looked like an EDL type at all though, certainly not the stereotype of metal/mosher types I know of. If I was stereotyping then more likely to be a polo shirt, Stone Island, or trackies and trainers type (based off the racist wankers in my home town).

OP, it sounds like he's deliberately testing boundaries to get a reaction - ignoring him will probably get the best result (even if it's the hardest one to do when he's being a cocky little shit!)

Welcome to the "dickhead era" of 13yr old boys

It's hardly comparable to say you don't criticise DS' clothing choices. That's bare minimal of parenting
Surely your DS isn't the first person to have pointed out that your DP's 'look' might lead people to make erroneous judgements? I had a friend with a similar look and he'd regularly joke that when he met people for the first time they'd assume he was right-wing rather than the liberal Leftie he really was.

Ta @honeyloops that's another point I was trying to make. DH doesnt at all look like the EDL nob heads round here. He looks like what he is - a huge Metallica fan. He wears band and motorsport t shirts- not union jack t-shirts and trainers.

In support of your DS a work colleague was telling me only a few days ago, how they were coming past a pub and a couple of 'rough looking edl types came out'. As it so happens they had just taken part in a charity head shave and were very far from edl types but sadly people do think that because a lot of edl do fit that description. Your DS will not be the only one thinking it.

It is rude. Can’t believe the ‘well he was speaking the truth’ replies. Ok, so I’ll make a racist stereotype comment then, see where that gets me?! Ffs. It’s not over sensitive. If I said oh, I know you’re not a xyz but everyone else will be thinking that in reference to dress or colour would that be acceptable? Or spoke about someones religion in the ‘not all skinheads are nazis but all nazis are skinheads’ comment? He needs to be told it’s not acceptable. You cant go round making comments like that. It’s sterotyping and rude, and he might get himself in a lot of trouble if he sticks to verbalising the ‘some people think looking like xyz means youre xyz’ ‘he’s only saying what people are thinking’ reasoning on this thread!

So, he's making fun of your DH's fashion choices then?

Well, your DH is a grown man, and this is a 13 year old. If he's confident enough to walk around knowing people are silently assuming he's a racist thicko, he's confident enough to say, "yeah, I know. It's a shame, isn't it" to a a 13 year old trying to goad for a reaction.

Nobody has ever once suggested DH looks like an EDL member. That he looks like he belongs in a metal/thrash band - yes. That he is potentially involved in right wing political marches - absolutely not.

Thanks @Amanduh I was starting to get worried that my son was the one in the right here!

To clarify. DH looks nothing like he belongs in the English Defence League. Cant believe I'm having to reiterate that over and over 😂😂

Your username makes your exasperation over this even weirder.

While obviously not all skinheads were Neo-Nazis, you are surely aware some were/are?!

Oh and also son has had a little think and apologised to DH and said he didnt realise how bad it sounded before it came out of his gob.

Thanks mumsnet vipers, I'll get back to washing the husbands Stone Island tops so he can get down Wetherspoons for it opening tomorrow

I'm sure they haven't suggested it. No-one is going to tell a skinhead bloke that they look like an EDL thug, are they?

Either because they know him well enough to know he's not, or because they don't know him, and don't want to risk winding up an EDL thug!

@UnderHisEyeBall oh really? Gosh I totally didnt know that not one bit! I will go and say how sorry I am to smirking teenager. And then tidy his room.

I'm really confused.
Your dp looks nothing like a stereotypical EDL member.
Your ds has said If I didnt know you I would think you were a racist. Like one of them EDL people.
You've assumed he was calling your dp a racist edl memeber.
Is this the issue?
I'm not sure i could get too worked up really, unless your ds actually comes out and calls your dp a racist, then I don't think this would be the hill on which i would choose to die.
Maybe you could question ds whether he meant to call dp a racist and explore that.

While obviously not all skinheads were Neo-Nazis, you are surely aware some were/are?! Ah, them were the days.

This thread has just reminded me of my mother signalling to me to shut up and be quiet when passing these skinheads who used to ostentatiously walk up and down a main road with Swastikas handdrawn on their trenchcoats. Naturally, they did this on a road mainly populated by Asian businesses.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid, but then I have 14 and 15yo boys so they've probably worn my offense-o-meter down to nothing over the last few years.

Honestly, I find a bit of humour and a retort back to be the most effective way of disarming them when they try this shit on you. If you start raging, they've won.

Fair comment from your DS, OP. Touched a nerve?

Hey don’t bad mouth Wetherspoons, I’d never afford to drink out if it wasn’t for my local spooners 😁
Teenage boys are grim, absolutely no cure but time