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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be absolutely FUMING with DS13

134 replies

SkaTastic · 03/01/2020 20:31

Who told his step Dad today - who I have been with for 12 years so isnt exactly new

"If I didnt know you I would think you were a racist. Like one of them EDL people."

All said with a horrible, awful smirk on his face which he wears 90% of the time these days.

Husband is a skin head mental looking dude.

AIBU to be totally, totally fuming?

OP posts:

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 04/01/2020 00:16

They were posted within a couple of minutes of each other. Accidental double-post, I expect.

Bouledeneige · 04/01/2020 00:27

OP good luck with the teenage years if this has made you absolutely fume!

And by the way, you do need to understand the nuance of a statement like 'if I didn't know you I'd think....' It means the opposite - 'I'm know you're not a racist but some people might think you are by looking at you.'

As it turns out we now think that a metal head doesn't look much like an EDL member - (more like a hells angel?) - but he still might look quite scarey to quite a lot of people. And that probably impacts on your teen son if he's seen out in public with him. Because teens hate to stand out from the crowd particularly when they are with their parents. But you know that right?

ExhaustedFlamingo · 04/01/2020 01:03

You sound very ragey OP.

Teens say provocative things sometimes. If it's not true and your DH looks so little like the EDL twats, then why the outrage? Just shrug it off. It's just a kid who is either a) pushing boundaries b) not realising the impact of what they've said - or both. It's hardly worth a mention, it's a kind of eye roll comment, no more. Great that he's apologised but this is very much blown out of proportion.

On the flip side, you've mentioned several times about how it's worse because of the inequality because of how you don't take the piss out of his flamboyant clothing.

Well, that's because you're the adult and he's at an incredibly vulnerable point in his life when he's just discovering his identity. It should be taken for granted that his parents - grown, fully-fledged adults - don't mock his choices. I don't see why you've mentioned that - but your outrage and your insistence of being congratulated for not mocking him says quite a lot.

BlueEyedFloozy · 04/01/2020 01:27

I'd have questioned what he meant by that statement but certainly wouldn't be "FUMING". Youngsters often say things out of context, either for a reaction or through lack of understanding.

He needs to know that it's not ok to sound off like that randomly to people, you and DH are safe targets though, but it's also possible that he hasn't actually fully understood the impact of his words.

My 13yo is Autistic and has absolutely no filter and also lacks in empathy, it can be quite hard to ignore it sometimes so we discuss his words instead to tell him how they made us feel. I asked him last week if he would like to choose a razor as he has a dark bushy tache coming in - he told me he'd shave it off when I get rid of mine... Admittedly I do have to tweeze due to hormone imbalance but still 🤦🤣

happycamper11 · 04/01/2020 01:36

Am I the only one that thought OP genuinely meant mental? I live in Scotland and it's a commonly used term. I don't have a regional accent so don't use it myself but for someone to say 'that wind was mental last night eh?!' Or can't believe she said that, that's mental' 'ah my mum went mental when I said my step dad looked like one of they EDL guys' is part if the day to day vocabulary. I'd never actually thought about it til now. Totally missed the pint of the thread, I know.

BlueEyedFloozy · 04/01/2020 01:40

@happycamper11 I agree, I'm Scottish and it's a completely innocent run of the mill phrase here!

happycamper11 · 04/01/2020 01:58

@BlueEyedFloozy I was thinking why's everyone picked up on that?! then thought actually it probably isn't an appropriate word but it's completely ingrained in the vocabulary. Probably one of the most used slang words. No one gives it a second thought.

MrMeSeeks · 04/01/2020 02:08

Dear god so having a shaved head and being alternate means people assume you could be a racist?
That certainly would never spring to my mind
Having a shaved head and beard is also a very typical look in the alternative scene...it’s not just long hair

darthbreakz · 04/01/2020 02:23

I mean, hopefully this means your son finds racism abhorrent. In which case you did good, well done, chalk this up as a win and put it down to Teenager Being An Ass.

All in all, if he know's he's wound you up, he'll do it more.

If you just say "oh, yeah, whatever" that'll piss him off and you'll win again!

Of course that might make him do worse things...

Give him a hug and tell him you love him. It'll make him feel better or it'll freak him out a bit... either way...

ShaunaRae · 04/01/2020 02:35

It sounds like the issue he has with stereotypes comes from you.

NewName54321 · 04/01/2020 03:57

He said, “If I didn’t know you, I would think...”

Has someone who didn't know your DH (DS's friends) said something to DS?

If he made the comment in front of you, he wants you to react to it. You could absolutely fume at your DS, or you could try finding out why he said it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2020 04:20

Kids say all manner of shit. Edl types are clean shaven though.

kulaexchange · 04/01/2020 04:23

I think it sounds like your son was trying to make a joke and misjudged it slightly - haven't we all been there before?!

I honestly can't see the problem - wrongly or not, it's quite common place to make jokes based on stereotypes?! I.e., saying someone with dreadlocks is a hippy.

I'm not saying it's always ok but it's definitely commonplace. Your son got it wrong this time, he realised and apologised. Job done.

PhilCornwall1 · 04/01/2020 04:58

Husband is a skin head mental looking dude.

Your son takes after you then for stereotyping people.

NearlyGranny · 04/01/2020 05:05

Hmm, could be the beginnings of the classic old elephant/young elephant contest for alpha male position in the family herd, I guess. It's a great opportunity to discuss stereotypes, prejudice and narrow-mindedness with him, I think. Ask him to consider the snap judgements that strangers night be making about him!

Inanothertime · 04/01/2020 05:17

Your DS is getting his 'stereotypes' mixed up.
EDL/Metalhead wear different uniforms.
He obviously thinks he's old enough to throw derogatory comments at his step Dad, Does he know what it feels like to have them thrown back at him?
I don't suggest you do but 'How would you like it if someone commented on the way you dressed DS?'...

Inanothertime · 04/01/2020 05:18

Missed the update!
Glad DS saw the error of his ways!

Grandmi · 04/01/2020 06:10

I think that young teenagers can say stuff that could be interpreted as rude but it is not intended to be . They are still at an age where they are exploring what is acceptable etc . It sounds to me as if he was attempting banter and it has misfired. I personally would have attempted a general chat around the subject about stereotyping (which I think most people are guilty of) . Definitely pick your battles with teenagers and gentle loving guidance is key !!

ScabbyBabby · 04/01/2020 08:08

Yabu to be ‘totally, totally fuming’. It’s an overreaction to a daft comment made by a teenage boy.

TeddybearBaby · 04/01/2020 08:24

Op, Mumsnet is a really strange place atm where ops are getting ripped to shreds, unless they’re in an abusive relationship and then they’re ok. It’s all very odd!

Of course it’s not ok for your son to make judgements like this and if he said something about race, religion, sexuality or gender people would be calling him all the names under the sun here.

I think it’s important to teach him a couple of things...... not to make judgements or assumptions, esp because of looks, think before you speak, are you happy to hurt someone’s feelings?

Also this is a really hard age, I hated puberty, who likes it! So try to put yourself in his shoes, he’s learning what’s ok and what’s not and may feel a little vulnerable. Also you said he’s flamboyant, I wonder if friends or people out have said something to him that’s been hurtful and he’s taken it out on you.

My son is 13 and I definitely notice a change in his behaviour when he’s been on his phone or Xbox too long.

Zeusthemoose · 04/01/2020 08:47

27BlueEyedFloozy
'I asked him last week if he would like to choose a razor as he has a dark bushy tache coming in - he told me he'd shave it off when I get rid of mine...'

Sorry Blue but this made me laugh. Kids eh!!

AgentJohnson · 04/01/2020 08:48

He wasn’t comparing his step Dad to a racist but there is obviously a back story of irritation about his behaviour and your handling of it. Why are you tip toeing around him?

‘Some people might come to that conclusion DSS, just like some people will associate flamboyant clothing with a particular sexual orientation but pre judging someone based entirely on what they look like and what they wear is, lazy. That’s how you could have focused and handled the situation but you chose to go down the offended route which gets you where and teaches him what exactly?

If this is typical of his behaviour than you are getting off extremely lightly.

Original poster

SkaTastic · 04/01/2020 09:25

Well thanks for the input everyone! Just a couple of things...

Despite my tongue in cheek comments about the EDL and their uniform here I do actually challenge stereotypes with my kids all the time. We have had conversations with DS a LOT about how what he says can come across as rude and he chooses to ignore this. I love the very bones of this kid, he is ace, but he is and always has been very blunt. He is extremely intelligent (MENSA registered at 9, after and ed psych assessment) and often treats us and his siblings like shit on the bottom of his fancy shoe.

Also - I didnt show DS I was fuming I'm not totally stupid! You dont let them smell your fear do you. I calmly told him that suggesting his step Dad could be compared to a member of a fascist club could be taken as being quite rude.

I have spoken to him about peoples perceptions of him - wearing his sisters clothes for example - but he is absolutely clueless about it. He thinks he looks great which is totally amazing. But he is quite happy to dish out his opinion on me, DH and siblings and not sugar coat it! Of course I wouldnt make fun of his fashion choices, what the hell?

@BlueEyedFloozy DS was assessed for autism too and has come out with some belters over the years! He asked me if I like my double chins the other day 😂👍

Anyway, DS absolutely meant it in a nasty way but apologised soon after so no harm done.

Just off to iron his big flag 👍👍👍👍

OP posts:

FoamingAtTheUterus · 04/01/2020 09:56

Most skinheads I know have resorted to it because half their hair has fallen out and shaving it off is the least ridiculous looking option.........my OH would look like Krusty the clown if it wasn't for his trusty clippers 😂😂😂

TheABC · 04/01/2020 10:03

He is trying to push your buttons - and succeeded!

The rudeness needs to be addressed but don't give his behaviour oxygen by allowing yourself to be upset over it. If a stranger said that you would probably think "twat" and ignore it.

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