Or are my parents, about gifts?

[FeministFish]

My parents are very well off, but careful with money. I am also fairly well off, thanks in part, to their financial generosity over the years (lump sums gifted to my sister who needed it - and then matched to me, out of fairness' sake).

For their birthdays / Christmases etc. each year, I spend a lot of time thinking about what they would like. They are both difficult to buy for. My dad has a lot of allergies, so food / eating out gifts are difficult. My mum has a lot of niche interests, where she would rather choose things for herself, but doesn't like pretty much anything I would term as "easy gifts" - e.g. chocolates, alcohol, flowers.

Examples of recent things I have got them include a night in a luxury hotel with dinner in a village they have historical interest in, and a personal shopping trip with £250 to spend.

For my birthday every year, they just want to send me £100. I have explained that I don't need money, and I would much rather they pick out something they think I would like. But they won't.

This year my sister suggested that she would club together with my parents and get me some theatre tickets to something I would really love to see, along with my Mum, who also wants to see it. I was delighted!

Now it's come to book it, they have realised how expensive the tickets are, and are asking instead if they can just send me £100, as it's a lot to spend on one night.

I'm not bothered at all about the value of the gift, but it feels so, so impersonal that every year they just do a bank transfer to my account when I spend time each occasion choosing something I know they will love.

They are otherwise decent people mostly. I had a slightly rocky childhood, but they are really good with my kids, and willingly look after them whenever it helps us out (within reason - they live a couple of hours away).

AIBU to expect them to put some thought into a gift for me?

Honestly, i can see where you are coming from but 100 is a lovely amount of cash to be gifted and you arent 12 any more. Stop spending so much on them, I'd be mortified if my dd was so extravagant with gifts. They probably aren't very extravagant themselves, which is why you are so well off personally

AIBU to expect them to put some thought into a gift for me?

Yes, I think you are. Their attitude towards gift giving is well established. It's simply not going to change, and you are wasting a lot of emotional energy being upset about it. If I were you, I would speak to your sister and your parents about putting an end to gift giving altogether. None of you "need" anything, you all have money, and your parents don't really seem to be bothered giving or receiving. Instead of gifts, you could plan a lovely meal out for special occasions.

I would suggest the no presents thing but it seems a bit miserly. Also my sister is still very grateful for her £100 each birthday (she lives overseas so it's more practical to send her cash). So they would still give me the money for parity's sake.

I really don't need £100. It just goes into my account and mixed with all the other cash.

We can't do big meals out as a family because of my dad's dietary needs (complex and a bit outing).

Emotional energy is the right phrase. It feels like they can't be bothered to spend the time to think about something I might like.

I think it's also an abdication of responsibility too, as they hate spending money on "frivolous" things. Whilst they'd have no problem with me spending their £100 on myself on something like a chocolate subscription, they couldn't bring themselves to spend that amount of money on something like that, if that makes sense.

But to me it feels like I'm unworthy of time and/or effort for something nice.

My MIL does this and actually I love it. I never spend money on myself as such, so each year I make sure I put it towards a winter coat or boots or a trip that I would never splash out on otherwise. I then let her know what I have bought. It is easier for them and of course is a little impersonal - but I make it personal by showing/telling her what I have done. Would this work for you?

I’d be thrilled with 100 cash as would most people. Accept it graciously and get on with more important stuff.

Are you 100% sure they want the lavish trips/stuff you get for them?

What I do when given money as a gift is to “buy” myself something and state that it was bought with the money from X.

My mil gave me £100 cash as she does every Christmas, despite me and her son splitting up we still live together and are amicable and I put the money towards some expensive shoes I had wanted for ages.

I get what you’re saying of course but I don’t think they will change. Like I said, withdraw the money and treat yourself to something, maybe something frivolous.

I also spent almost £50 of Christmas gift money in Lush. I wouldn’t dream of spending that there normally so it did feel like a gift.

I think YAB a bit U. You can’t change them and you are old enough to use the £100 for something nice for yourself.

With kindness, you sound like a bit of a princess. They haven’t done anything wrong and saying that the £100 isn’t a big deal and just gets mixed with all your other money will NOT go down well on MN....

@zasknbg Yes, I'm sure they genuinely like the gifts I get them. They aren't always so extravagant (there was a big birthday this year). For example I got my Dad a fairly cheap juicer one year as it's good for his special diet.

It seems AIBU and instead of nicely chosen gifts for people I love, we should just pointlessly take it in turns to put £100 in each other's accounts.

Sorry but I think YABU - you don't get to choose what gifts people give you, or even if they give you a gift at all. You should just be grateful and say thank you. £100 is a very generous gift.

They might be worried about getting you the wrong thing and they would like you to have something you really want or need, rather than them guessing. Rather than mixing it in with the rest of your cash why don't you set it aside, buy yourself something, and let them know what their gift bought you? People in my family who give me cash gifts really appreciate knowing what I bought with it.

Speaking to someone about the kind of gifts they get you and asking for them to change comes across as entitled, IMO. They could turn around and decide not to get you anything.

It sounds like you can all afford to buy what you want, when you want it, so it will be a lot easier all round to ditch significant gifts and just go out for a meal or other day out together and maybe exchange tiny token fun gifts.

Seriously, set a low limit, even say that the item has to come from the pound shop or a charity shop and just have a bit of fun surprising each other.

I think you do you and let them do them. Use the £100 on something specific. Book the theatre tickets you want for instance. Put it towards something.

You want them to feel the same way about gifts as you and they just don’t.

You aren't going to change ther attitude - I do appreciate your point about preferring them to choose, but doesn't sound like it's going to happen.

Rather than just letting the money be absorbed with general finances,
I would use use the £100 for or towards something specific - be that clothes, theatre tickets or a restaurant, raise a glass to them if one of the latter, and thank them and tell them what your "present" was.

Compared to some threads on here about disagreements with parents, you are better of than many!

Instead of putting the money into your account, put it to one side and spend it on the thing that you would really like but couldn't justify buying yourself.

I have the opposite problem. My parents spend time each year buying something they think I'll really love. Their success rate is about 1 gift in 10 that I actually appreciate (and I suspect your parents may not love your gifts to them as much as you are making out). I have asked them not to give me presents or just give me money or vouchers but they don't want to do this.
I never understand why gift giving is supposed to be such a sign of caring - it just means you went to the shops and bought something. In fact these days, just that you sat at home and bought something. I can think of better ways of showing someone you care!

The issue comes when the 'nicely chosen gift' isn't to the recipient's taste, or someone with a lower budget is involved in the gifting circle and the net affect on them is that they are spending money they can't afford on an item that they do not want/need.

Or you find that you are exchanging money or buying off a list, both of which is totally pointless.

There are plenty of ways of expressing love for each other that doesn't involve buying things.

It sounds like gifts are important to you and not them. They help out with childcare and sound helpful in other ways. I would appreciate what you have.

I see your point but some people don't enjoy giving presents. Why not suggest you meet up for a meal/afternoon tea etc instead, time is a great gift.

My parents are like this and I also wish they would spend a bit of time thinking of a gift, rather than just throwing cash at us.
However, they also aren't particularly interested in spending time with their grandchildren and don't really help out in any other way.
Could you maybe think of it as their thoughtful gift to you is helping with the children? They are at least spending their time, far more precious, in my opinion, than any other gift.

I can completely see your point of view but out of fairness their view is just as valid. You went them to choose something you want whereas they want to give you money so you can make sure you get what you want. Could you ensure you treat yourself to something that is £100 so you can open it up on your birthday or Christmas and know that they have paid in the money to cover the costs?

Look up Love Languages OP, I think it will help you understand your differences. Your parents are probably expressing themselves in a different “language” to the one you use but this doesn’t make them wrong or unreasonable, just different.

Do you really value the gift or do you see it as a validation of their affection for you? All the cash in the world doesn't replace a gift that shows real thought. You mention a rocky childhood? Do you see their lack of thought as a lack of love?

Parents are not being unreasonable here just different to you and it is really not worth dwelling on or coming between you.

Spend it on a nice massage or a theatre trip and tell them what you did with the money. It's a bit rude not to tell them how you spent it in my opinion.

My inlaws do this and although at first it bothered me, I soon realised they weren't very good at gifts so this saved them the stress.

You can make them into the people you want them to be.

You can make that £100 special by moving it out of your main account and maybe saving it for something you really want or to splash out something you wish they'd give you. It's your choice to let it mix with the other cash and not give it any meaning.

You can't make them - mis-typed.