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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or are my parents, about gifts?

150 replies

FeministFish · 03/01/2020 14:50

My parents are very well off, but careful with money. I am also fairly well off, thanks in part, to their financial generosity over the years (lump sums gifted to my sister who needed it - and then matched to me, out of fairness' sake).

For their birthdays / Christmases etc. each year, I spend a lot of time thinking about what they would like. They are both difficult to buy for. My dad has a lot of allergies, so food / eating out gifts are difficult. My mum has a lot of niche interests, where she would rather choose things for herself, but doesn't like pretty much anything I would term as "easy gifts" - e.g. chocolates, alcohol, flowers.

Examples of recent things I have got them include a night in a luxury hotel with dinner in a village they have historical interest in, and a personal shopping trip with £250 to spend.

For my birthday every year, they just want to send me £100. I have explained that I don't need money, and I would much rather they pick out something they think I would like. But they won't.

This year my sister suggested that she would club together with my parents and get me some theatre tickets to something I would really love to see, along with my Mum, who also wants to see it. I was delighted!

Now it's come to book it, they have realised how expensive the tickets are, and are asking instead if they can just send me £100, as it's a lot to spend on one night.

I'm not bothered at all about the value of the gift, but it feels so, so impersonal that every year they just do a bank transfer to my account when I spend time each occasion choosing something I know they will love.

They are otherwise decent people mostly. I had a slightly rocky childhood, but they are really good with my kids, and willingly look after them whenever it helps us out (within reason - they live a couple of hours away).

AIBU to expect them to put some thought into a gift for me?

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 03/01/2020 16:04

If you enjoy choosing gifts for them then do it. They obviously don't enjoy choosing gifts, or maybe they enjoy giving you money and the option to choose for yourself.

I have explained that I don't need money, and I would much rather they pick out something they think I would like. But they won't.

I am picturing you saying this with a petted lip. It was very rude to tell them their money gift is thoughtless. How would you feel it they told you the gift you gave them was shite and they'd rather have cash so they can choose themselves instead?

You can't control people and tell them to gift your way. You give what you want to give and receive what is given graciously.

seven201 · 03/01/2020 16:05

I think you're over thinking this. This year I asked my dad for restaurant vouchers explaining that it would be a treat for us to eat out. He gave me amazon vouchers.

The year before he asked if I wanted a jigsaw storage folder. I said no, I really don't need one and don't have space to store one or the desire to do many jigsaws. He gave me a jigsaw storage case, plus some jigsaw piece sorting trays and a cheque.

He's just not good at listening or presents. Never has been. He's not going to change so I now have low expectations. I personally find present buying bloody stressful and have tried to reduce present swapping for adults as much as possible.

OceanSunFish · 03/01/2020 16:05

Neither of you are being unreasonable - both these approaches are perfectly okay, just different.

I think the problem is the £100 getting mixed up with the other money in your account - you could set it aside to buy something specific with. That's what I do when my parents give me money (which they do when they can't think of anything else).

PartyintheKitchen · 03/01/2020 16:06

I think you are being a bit U here. Like previous posters I think this is generous, you need to use that cash for something for you. Of course it would be perfect if they spent time picking a gift but maybe they really struggle with gifts and feel comfortable with cash. FWIW my parents stopped giving me birthday/Christmas gifts years ago, it's just not easy for them to go gift shopping as they didn't grow up with that in their own childhoods. They are uncomfortable giving and receiving gifts, always have been. I ask them for "gifts" in other ways, help me with my DC, or help me with DIY in the house etc which they're v good at and they really feel that they're helping out. I don't think you can change them, but you can change your reaction their actions. Enjoy the £100, put it aside and get yourself something totally birthday worthy!

Nearlyalmost50 · 03/01/2020 16:06

My mum always gives me £100 and I love it! Cash, to spend how I choose. I usually buy a coat or piece of clothing. We usually do a meal out as well.

Not everyone is a great gift giver, I'm not and struggle to think of things to buy, it isn't a reflection on anything else, unless they actually forgot.

BarbaraofSeville · 03/01/2020 16:08

I soon realised they weren't very good at gifts so this saved them the stress

Yes, you wanting them to choose a meaningful significant gift for you is likely to cause them stress. Lots of people hate shopping and there's a lot of pressure to get it right, or else the money and the gesture is wasted. Why would you want the people you love to feel under stress like this OP?

You say they help out with the kids when they can. That's another way that they express their love for you and one that a lot of other people would give their right arm for and appreciate a lot more than physical goods that they could buy themselves whenever they wanted to.

pallisers · 03/01/2020 16:09

I can see why you feel the way you do, but you can't turn them into gift-givers if they aren't.

Stop putting the 100 into the general cash. Take it and buy yourself something nice with it. Then send them a photo and say "got this with your gift - thanks so much".

Are they otherwise engaged and interested in you and your life or is the gift thing just an expression of a general lack of interest?

Original poster
FeministFish · 03/01/2020 16:09

Thank you all for your replies. There is a lot to think about.

They have just emailed me to suggest that if I don't want cash for a gift they would like to pay for my council tax for a month.

I think we maybe must have different ideas of gifts to show love and it just makes me sad.

OP posts:
JosefKeller · 03/01/2020 16:10

I really don't need £100. It just goes into my account and mixed with all the other cash.

why? Why don't you just spend it straight away for something you want? It's the whole point. It would make the gift a lot more pleasant. It's not about what you need, it's about a little treat for you.

When I get cash, for me or kids, I buy something and tend to thank the giver showing where we spent the money for.

category12 · 03/01/2020 16:13

That's er very practical.

I can see where you're coming from, but honestly, you have to accept them as they are.

Do you feel loved by them generally? You say "rocky childhood" - has that left you feeling insecure/unloved?

OceanSunFish · 03/01/2020 16:13

The council tax idea is a bit weird Confused

paranoidmum2 · 03/01/2020 16:14

YABU I'm afraid, OP.

I get my mum birthday/Xmas/MD presents (however not to the value you do, usually around £20).

She has no clue what to buy me for presents and I refuse to accept money from her. Sometimes we'll be in a store and she'll say please pick anything you like, and I say no I don't need anything (she is a pensioner with no other income).

On all the Christmas CF threads, I have advised people to stop buying for the mean, stingy people who just expect to take and not give, but in this case, I don't think you should put any pressure on your parents. Accept the £100 with good grace.

OceanSunFish · 03/01/2020 16:14

Could you go back to the theatre tickets idea, but you pay for your mum's ticket (for her next birthday) so it's not so expensive for them?

Babybel90 · 03/01/2020 16:15

My grandad is the same as your parents, very well off and very frugal, he’ll send me £500 for my birthday but he would never buy something that cost £500, and if I told him I’d spent it on clothes or theme park tickets he’d probably think that was a waste.

Anyway, be careful what you wish for, one persons lovingly chosen gift is another persons tat that goes straight in the charity bin.

Insideimsprinting · 03/01/2020 16:15

Your mum and dad gave been very generous in gifting you the lump sums making you financially comfortable and your complaining about being given £100 for Xmas and birthday gifts instead of more thoughtful gifts.

Op that is just stuff, you've been very lucky. May not be the most imaginative way of gifting but so generous.

Just be grateful.

Frogsandsheep · 03/01/2020 16:15

I think yanbu.
My dad was the same for years and always gave me generous amounts of money. A couple of years ago he surprised me and bought me my favourite perfume as he happened to remember me mentioning it months earlier. I was so happy with the thought that had gone into actually buying me something and he could see how happy I was Smile I’ve had gifts ever since which probably cost less than the money he’d have given me but are really thoughtful.

poppymatilda · 03/01/2020 16:15

It's tricky. As someone who gets useless 'thoughtful' gifts from family I'd love £100 to drop into my account to spend on something I actually want! But I get that the grass isn't always greener...

DameFanny · 03/01/2020 16:17

What was the rough patch in your childhood OP? Might that have some bearing on why this gets to you so much?

katewhinesalot · 03/01/2020 16:17

I wouldn't spend £100 on someone when I'm not sure they'll like it. It would be a waste of money. They obviously sound the same, especially as you say they are quite careful with money.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 03/01/2020 16:18

If they feel uncomfortable spending money on frivolous things for you but they are happy for you to spend money on frivolous things for yourself, then that's what you do. You buy yourself a theatre ticket with the money, and say thank you and tell them which play you saw.

it feels like I'm unworthy of time and/or effort for something nice.

Is that what's going on, though? It sounds as if you don't need any practical items and they feel uncomfortable buying frivolities. Perhaps they find it easier to buy presents for your DSis because she does need practical items?

They seem to be fairly strict abut their £100 spending limit. Your presents for them don't need to be so much more expensive than theirs for you. You could reasonably rein in your spending to a similar level to theirs, even if that means their presents have to be more ordinary. Exchanging very expensive presents doesn't seem to be their thing.

Alb1 · 03/01/2020 16:18

You don’t have to let the money get mixed in your account and not bother spending it, that’s your choice, you could make a point of spending that £100 on a treat for yourself that you may not otherwise buy, surely that’s the whole point? And if you choose not to do that it’s your own problem really. I see what you mean but it’s up to them what they give you, and you no you can’t change it, so don’t become ungreatful about it.

nowaypose · 03/01/2020 16:18

I suppose everyone is different but I personally prefer cash if I’m going to be given any gift at all. Most gifts completely miss the mark and I end up with the hassle of having to take them to the charity shop. Cash is just an easy gift to give to people I guess, your parents find it hassle free and prefer it. I don’t see the issue.

Lippy1234 · 03/01/2020 16:19

Don’t be sad they sound like decent people.

DrierThanANunsNasty · 03/01/2020 16:19

If you don't need the money, why don't you donate it to a cause you think your parents would give a toss about? Then, every year, let them know what their money has gone on. No presents required, but better than you whinging about getting money that someone else would be grateful for.

Oly4 · 03/01/2020 16:19

I think you’re being a bit precious and spoilt. They see sending you cash as easier than trying to work out what you might like. Most people would love £100 cash to spend on what they like. Be grateful for what you have - generous parents who also like to spend time with your children.