Or are my parents, about gifts?

[FeministFish]

My parents are very well off, but careful with money. I am also fairly well off, thanks in part, to their financial generosity over the years (lump sums gifted to my sister who needed it - and then matched to me, out of fairness' sake).

For their birthdays / Christmases etc. each year, I spend a lot of time thinking about what they would like. They are both difficult to buy for. My dad has a lot of allergies, so food / eating out gifts are difficult. My mum has a lot of niche interests, where she would rather choose things for herself, but doesn't like pretty much anything I would term as "easy gifts" - e.g. chocolates, alcohol, flowers.

Examples of recent things I have got them include a night in a luxury hotel with dinner in a village they have historical interest in, and a personal shopping trip with £250 to spend.

For my birthday every year, they just want to send me £100. I have explained that I don't need money, and I would much rather they pick out something they think I would like. But they won't.

This year my sister suggested that she would club together with my parents and get me some theatre tickets to something I would really love to see, along with my Mum, who also wants to see it. I was delighted!

Now it's come to book it, they have realised how expensive the tickets are, and are asking instead if they can just send me £100, as it's a lot to spend on one night.

I'm not bothered at all about the value of the gift, but it feels so, so impersonal that every year they just do a bank transfer to my account when I spend time each occasion choosing something I know they will love.

They are otherwise decent people mostly. I had a slightly rocky childhood, but they are really good with my kids, and willingly look after them whenever it helps us out (within reason - they live a couple of hours away).

AIBU to expect them to put some thought into a gift for me?

Yabu. My family care a lot for each other, but have always had cash gifts from grandparents and parents. It doesn't mean they don't care, just that they want to keep things fair and even between siblings and not give unwanted tat.

Your parents have probably run out of money after giving so many handouts to their kids.

Sorry to hear they hit you, OP.

They does change things somewhat. I think children should never be hit.

How badly did they hit you? Was it a swat on the bottom or was it hitting on the face and body? Did they use a stick or anything?

We were never hit as children but my cousin was often threatened with a stick and I remember looking at the stick in their house with dread.

Can you find something that costs £100 and ask for it, so they don't have to do any thinking and you're not just getting £100 into your account?

My DSDad doesn't like me choosing his presents. Even though he can afford to buy himself anything he wants, he gets upset at my spending money on things which he wouldn't have bought himself, and would rather he chose something.

Stop being so bloody childish.

Are you like 12 years old & need gifts that prove your worth to your parents? You parents are probably like 'eye roll' on here we go again regarding the gift saga. A family member of mine is like you & its embarrassing how much emphasis is placed on this gifting saga.

Accept the £100 like a grown up & move on from it. You really can't force people to enjoy playing tarot readers guessing what you will enjoy as a gift.

All this OTT emotional behaviour over gifts is rather ridiculous & embarrassing IMO.

I empathise, OP. My parents (married) are the same. My mum has no interest in thinking what I might like, despite being retired, reasonably well off and often in town, and just throws money at me or asks me to buy something from them. She's always in charge of gift buying (or not, as above) and doesn't consult my poor dad.

However, my dad has started to rebel and on Christmas Day produced a few extra gifts he had bought without her knowledge - a Joules voucher for me, an Amazon one for DH and a maths game for DS. She was stunned! He had obviously put a lot of thought in to choosing, and I was so touched at the effort. It was so kind. They were lovely, thoughtful presents - but the fact he had gone to so much trouble is what I really appreciated most.

The "token" gift my mum got me was the same she always gets. M&S tights - medium. I haven't been a medium for a long time.... it does make me a bit sad.

Counselling sounds like a good idea - and you're allowed to start it not knowing what end result you want. A decent counsellor will help you identify some goals to work towards. And just talking about the past may give you more clarity?

I'm so sorry this happened to you

@rubywoowoo rtft

YABVVVU.

@FeministFish I sympathise with that. My mum treated my older brother quite differently from the rest of us. She was quite nasty to him . I do think therapy could help, not so you can forgive them necessarily but maybe to find some peace in accepting how it still affects you to this day.

Thank you all. People saying they are sorry this happened to me is so lovely but also makes me feel guilty and like a fraud because my parents did so much for me and weren't affectionless.

Just sometimes I was slapped (usually face/head). Or my hair was pulled. Very rarely bruises/evidence.

Hearing people's sympathy makes it feel as though it wasn't something normal, and that sort of frightens me and makes me feel incredibly sad and I can't even explain it, because written down, why the bloody hell should it be normal?

Hearing people's sympathy makes it feel as though it wasn't something normal, and that sort of frightens me and makes me feel incredibly sad and I can't even explain it, because written down, why the bloody hell should it be normal?

Admitting to yourself that your childhood wasn't OK can be a very emotional thing, OP. I saw a counsellor for 2 years and that helped massively. I still sometimes ask

Argh! I thought that post had vanished!

I still sometimes ask DH if really-not-OK things are OK and inwardly recoil at his WTF face. It's a process.

They don’t like buying gifts. Be thankful for the cash

Also you should definitely speak to a therapist about your childhood. Good luck x

I get what you mean. This year my parents said they weren’t going to do presents for me anymore, just the kids. They ended up sending a cheque a couple of days after Christmas. The money is nice, but I can’t give a small child a cheque under the tree - so from their point of view they’ve had no present from their grandparents. It doesn’t seem very personal.

Your posts remind me about my family situation although with less money sloshing around.

Like you, I’m lucky enough not to notice £30 (in my case) transferred to my account.

I also have a sibling with a very different relationship to me.

When money is accompanied or replaced by “something to open” it is always, without exception, deeply deeply disappointing, demonstrating lack of thought or interest in my life.

Like you, it’s not about the gifts or the money.

It isn’t going to get better though. So I lower my expectations, harden my heart, and get the charity shop bag ready.

And whilst I used to go crazy trying to find them the perfect gift, now I buy them a voucher for a chain restaurant they like and a pack of biscuits and get no different response. Harden heart.

It sucks. But they’re not going to have the emotional bond with me I like and observe with so many other people so I need to protect myself from the hurt of hoping that they might.

My parents (divorced) have given me money for birthdays and Christmas for years, and I am very grateful. I would rather have money than a gift I didn't really like (although I would still be grateful) which is wasting their money if it is something I wouldn't use.

I saw your update about potentially using the £100 to see a counsellor and was pleased because I’d been wondering about that.

What comes across is that you have mostly put your experiences behind you but they come out at birthdays or Christmas because the lack of thought in the gift reminds you (consciously or not) that you were were mistreated as a child.

Like you, I was hit as a child. With objects, not just a slap with a hand. I know just one other person who had a similar experience. We think some of it was due to having older parents who thought it was acceptable. That is probably not fair on all the other parents in their age group who did not do this but it at least attributes their actions to them, not us.

Your parents are unlikely to change now and seem to have minimised what happened. There’s a lot in what snailandthewail says about trying to distance yourself from the situation.

Can you send a few links to things that you might like to your sister to pass onto them or even ask for a voucher?

How would you feel if their carefully thought out gift turned out to be something you hated? It's really hard to buy for people who are financially secure enough to buy what they want.

It is a shame that you and your sister had an idea for something you and your mum would enjoy but they've rejected it. Does your mum get twitchy at the thought of a 'frivolous' theatre trip? Had she previously talked about going?
I think some posters are overlooking some aspects of this, such as them giving matching sums of money to you after doing so to your sister 'for fairness'. They seem not to get the pleasure of gift giving at all, but to be particularly grudging about it towards you. What are they like as gift givers to your children?

Thank you all. Does anyone with experience have any idea of what sort of counsellor I should be looking for? At first glance, some of them seem to specialise in couples, eating disorders, obsessive behaviour - what's the counsellor code word for what I need?!

My parents are good gift givers to my children. They used to go for quantity over quality (think 15 items from the charity shop or pound shop), but now I curate a list and let them pick no more than two gifts, as they go overboard with quantity (if not spend!). They don't begrudge this approach, as far as I'm aware.

When my children stay with them, I have had to make a rule that any toys bought at Grandpops and Granny's house have to stay there, as otherwise they just fill my house with absolute tat. This works well (for me and the children at least!).

Why don't you do something with the money and donate it to charity,sponsor a donkey or an animal?you might get some pleasure out of that.
Sorry but you come across as quite spoilt.
There are many on here that would find your comment about the money just mixing with all the other money offensive.I'm sure you don't mean to.

I would look for someone who puts something like emotions or childhood in their details. You could try the UKCP or BACP directories:

www.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/

www.bacp.co.uk/

I think you might find a more analytical/psychotherapeutic person more helpful than someone who specialises in counselling for specific problems but the directories will let you filter therapists by specialism as well as by area.

Oh dear, this turned out rather more complex than ingratitude about a gift, didn't it?

Lol OP, it often is.

1. You can't change how they are, how they react or how they think. That's outwith your control - as much now as an adult, as it is was when you were a child.

1. What you felt then is valid, and is what you feel now. However, for the reasons you point out above, you are not going to get validation of these feelings from your parents.

1. So spend the money - and any more that you can spare - on therapy. I think you will be surprised at how much comes out, even if you feel you have nothing to say. And it's not about improving your relationship with your parents - they aren't going to meet you halfway, or any way, on this - you need to accept that. It's about you making peace with yourself. You might forgive them, or you might not - but neither has anything to do with them, it's all to do with you. That's what a good therapist can help you to work towards - peace of mind.

Courage.