Or are my parents, about gifts?

[FeministFish]

My parents are very well off, but careful with money. I am also fairly well off, thanks in part, to their financial generosity over the years (lump sums gifted to my sister who needed it - and then matched to me, out of fairness' sake).

For their birthdays / Christmases etc. each year, I spend a lot of time thinking about what they would like. They are both difficult to buy for. My dad has a lot of allergies, so food / eating out gifts are difficult. My mum has a lot of niche interests, where she would rather choose things for herself, but doesn't like pretty much anything I would term as "easy gifts" - e.g. chocolates, alcohol, flowers.

Examples of recent things I have got them include a night in a luxury hotel with dinner in a village they have historical interest in, and a personal shopping trip with £250 to spend.

For my birthday every year, they just want to send me £100. I have explained that I don't need money, and I would much rather they pick out something they think I would like. But they won't.

This year my sister suggested that she would club together with my parents and get me some theatre tickets to something I would really love to see, along with my Mum, who also wants to see it. I was delighted!

Now it's come to book it, they have realised how expensive the tickets are, and are asking instead if they can just send me £100, as it's a lot to spend on one night.

I'm not bothered at all about the value of the gift, but it feels so, so impersonal that every year they just do a bank transfer to my account when I spend time each occasion choosing something I know they will love.

They are otherwise decent people mostly. I had a slightly rocky childhood, but they are really good with my kids, and willingly look after them whenever it helps us out (within reason - they live a couple of hours away).

AIBU to expect them to put some thought into a gift for me?

My parents always send money for Christmas and birthdays each year. It is great. We aren't well off, but it is something I can do what I like with and treat myself for once to something I really fancy, and I just don't get to do that very much.

I don't mean to be snippy here, but I actually think you are creating a problem where there isn't one. So I don't really get the issue.

My parents sound a bit like yours OP. Very financially generous but have always been incredibly random with presents. The weirdest was the year I got a box of carefully wrapped cling film .

It sounds like you have a complicated relationship with them. Could you give yourself permission next year to scale down the effort and thought that you put into gift giving ? It sounds like they might be as happy with something useful rather than luxurious. This year I gave my DM a new hairdryer and she was very happy with that as her existing one was about 40 years and had ceased to work properly.

Yabu. I would be delighted with that!

I really don't need £100. It just goes into my account and mixed with all the other cash.

But that's your choice. I suspect their intention is that you use it to buy something for yourself that you want but wouldn't otherwise buy. Why not do that? My mother isn't able to get to the shops and just gives me money: last year I put her birthday and Christmas presents together towards a mini iPad that I'd been wanting but couldn't really justify buying for myself, and I must say it's been invaluable and I really appreciate that she enabled me to buy it.

Oh and my DPs would be absolutely disgusted if I suggested charitable donations instead. If you want to do that I think you should do it with the gifted money and not make them do it.

I think you're just looking for a sign that they know you, OP. Money is definitively impersonal, however useful. I understand how you feel.

We went to visit my dad in a distant country for Christmas a few years back. On Christmas eve he handed me some money and asked me to please go buy gifts for myself, DH and the boys from the mall across the road as he 'hadn't felt like shopping'. I know some part of that probably came from sadness that my mum had died (and consequently hadn't done any shopping for some time), but it felt really miserable to just be handed cash with a 'will this do' attitude. I love my dad but that was a hard Christmas.

Anyway. I recommend the love languages thing.

YABVU. Grow up! Give the money to charity if it bothers you so much. Some people are not into choosing gifts or wasting time considering presents and then getting it wrong, if they gave you the wrong thing you'd bitch about that, too.

childhood was rocky with some things that today would be defined as abuse but were not particularly cruel or unusual for the time (even if they would never admit to it in front of other people, then or now)

Actually that sounds pretty bad. If your parents wouldn't admit it in front of other people then they must have known that other people would think it was cruel or abusive, then and now. So they must be ashamed or in denial about what they did.

Good parenting hasn't changed that much. What has changed is that parents had more latitude to be cruel and abusive in the past than they do now. People who knew would disapprove but not intervene, whereas now they are more likely to intervene.

I was just coming on to say they’re obviously just not into the idea of gift giving like you are - but actually the council tax idea sounds like they’re proper clueless.

Were they planning on doing it Direct Debit?

Don´t ask them to choose you something from a charity shop. They don't want to spend time shopping for gifts, they aren't going to want to do something even more complexed. Some people don't like gifts and don't relate them to love. You can't force them to think like you.

You sound very needy/demanding. The onus should be on you to make the effort to take the money out and buy something.

But to me it feels like I'm unworthy of time and/or effort for something nice.
Well that is your starting point. Find a good therapist and take this sentence to them. It’sa horrible way to feel, you deserve to have some resolution.

Meh, my dad does this. They also had times where for reasons of what was going on in their lives were not the greatest parents.

I collect my birthday and Christmas presents and buy myself something lavish that will get used and last a while (necklace, handbag) that I wouldn't cough up £200 for. This year I saved it to the sales and bought something worth £300, even better. Every time I look at it, I think 'that's nice, I got that because my father was so generous to me'. Job done.

I also had some therapy over the years to come to terms with their very human shortcomings.

Your parents worked very hard to give you gift of the best and very privileged education. This in turn will have will have given you the potential to change your life immeasurably from what it could have been due to the opportunities opened by such an education. They also supported you as an adult to the point that you say that you are independent due to them. I have friends like you, I don't think they mean it, but they can be incredibly dismissive of how HUGGGGGEEE these things are. To be well educated and financially secure in this day and age - in any day and age - are two of the most precious gifts any parent can give their children. You yourself admit they worked hard to 'better' the family's circumstances.

Seriously, read about Love Languages if you want to deal with this in an adult way. It will really help you understand why most people think you're being unreasonable,and free you up to enjoy and understand your parents.

Otherwise you're going to keep trying to get them to show you love in a way that they're simply not going to.

Although if you grew up feeling like you never quite got enough love from them, you probably feel comfortable interpreting their gift giving as not loving enough. It's what you are accustomed to. If you don't challenge yourself a bit, you could stay stuck in an 'unloved child' identity forever.

@AmaryllisNightandDay There may be some truth in this. I try not to dwell on the details and would never (have never) physically hurt my own children.

pamspeople i completely agree about the love language thing.

I think you're being a bit precious about the whole gift giving thing. There's an air of entitlement about you OP.
I'd suggest that you donate your hundred pounds to a worthy charity and consider doing a bit of voluntary work with the homeless or even your local food bank.
I promise you, it will get the whole thing into the most wonderful perspective for you.

You can’t put your gift buying thoughtfulness onto someone else if they are not made that way. Let them do what they’re comfortable with.

Usually I very much like "Love Languages"... but it doesn't cover parents who did cruel or abusive things. So FeministFish have you ever confronted your parents about their cruelty during your childhood? You say they have never admitted it in front of other people, but have they ever acknowledged their cruel behaviour to you and apologised for it?

Because it sounds as if there's a ton of baggage behind this present giving business. And your parents sound emotionally stunted. It's as if this is only the last in a very long string of different behaviours which are all about your parents' preferences and limitations, and which fail to recognise you as a person at all. And yet you keep on trying to please them.

Once everyone is comfortably off, expensive gifts, by which I mean averagely expensive gifts, not giving someone a helicopter or a flat in Bairritz, becomes a bit pointless. People have what they want and need, don't need more stuff etc.

I read that the Royal Family give each other very small presents, often jokey.

Your problem sounds as if it is that your parents do want and expect gifts such as the night away, but you would be happy with something small.

Can you discuss it with them? And say that now they have grandchildren might it be time to stop adult gift giving, they can give to their grandchildren or put £ in savings for them, and that is enough for you?

Couldn't you ask them for £100 in e.g. John Lewis vouchers or a shop where you'd spend them or indeed vouchers e.g. theatre ones - rather than cash if you think it'd get mixed up?

Jeez..I get so stressed with gift buying and receiving. I bought something for my daughter (40 and well off) went to three shops, chose carefully, and I could see it wasn't quite her taste when she opened it. So I am returning it for a refund and will give her the money. I am happy with very cheap gifts for myself.

I have raised the childhood stuff with them a couple of times. My mum defends herself by saying she "only ever hit when she was angry" and she thinks that parents who "cold heartedly" plan to smack their children are much worse.

She "doesn't remember" pulling me round the room by my hair.

She will also say, "you could be a little bitch though!" Jokingly.

I have never asked my dad about the chair he threw at me which broke across my foot.

They are shocked at the idea of them hitting my children and I do trust that they never would.

My mother does this. I try to use it for a gift to myself and then tell her what I got. She would never be able to figure it out for me but this way I feel thought about in the way you seem to want. Somehow it works even though it’s not her doing the thinking. Honestly I would stop hoping she will change and just see your gifting as an unequal aspect of a relationship. £100 is a lovely sum to spend on yourself and you should not let it get absorbed, but use it for treats!

@BlouseAndSkirt I don't think they do expect big gifts to be fair to them. But because they have helped me so much financially, it feels kind to acknowledge that from time to time.