Or are my parents, about gifts?

[FeministFish]

My parents are very well off, but careful with money. I am also fairly well off, thanks in part, to their financial generosity over the years (lump sums gifted to my sister who needed it - and then matched to me, out of fairness' sake).

For their birthdays / Christmases etc. each year, I spend a lot of time thinking about what they would like. They are both difficult to buy for. My dad has a lot of allergies, so food / eating out gifts are difficult. My mum has a lot of niche interests, where she would rather choose things for herself, but doesn't like pretty much anything I would term as "easy gifts" - e.g. chocolates, alcohol, flowers.

Examples of recent things I have got them include a night in a luxury hotel with dinner in a village they have historical interest in, and a personal shopping trip with £250 to spend.

For my birthday every year, they just want to send me £100. I have explained that I don't need money, and I would much rather they pick out something they think I would like. But they won't.

This year my sister suggested that she would club together with my parents and get me some theatre tickets to something I would really love to see, along with my Mum, who also wants to see it. I was delighted!

Now it's come to book it, they have realised how expensive the tickets are, and are asking instead if they can just send me £100, as it's a lot to spend on one night.

I'm not bothered at all about the value of the gift, but it feels so, so impersonal that every year they just do a bank transfer to my account when I spend time each occasion choosing something I know they will love.

They are otherwise decent people mostly. I had a slightly rocky childhood, but they are really good with my kids, and willingly look after them whenever it helps us out (within reason - they live a couple of hours away).

AIBU to expect them to put some thought into a gift for me?

Ok there's a huge backstory here OP

Interestingly my mum was also a frequent hitter (‘only in anger’). It looms much larger for me than her.

PIL are very well off and very similar, but DH gets a cheque for £30 instead. They would never in a million years choose a nice gift or pay for a decent meal out. Not unless they had a discount voucher for the Harvester.
No extravagance, no frivolity, no fun.

Someone gets given £100 cash for Christmas and Birthdays and still manages to find something to complain about 🤦‍♀️

YANBU IMO. My wife's family all play this game of pass the tenner; what's the bloody point? Does everyone really feel loved and valued because they exchanged banknotes? I see gift giving as an opportunity to convey "I care enough about you to put genuine thought into a present for you, and I get you well enough to choose something you'll appreciate."

FF - apols, I had missed some posts.

They do sound quite 'transactional'. And a bit mean - wrt the tips.

And I am horrified by your description of what happened 'in anger'. I bet I am older than you (because I am older than most MNers) and it wasn't normal for any of my friends to be treated like that. I know children were still smacked, but still. You were treated violently by parents with an anger problem.

I would suggest kids presents only, and give them a bunch of flowers or take them for a meal from time to time if you want to show appreciation of their financial support.

Doesn't sound as if splashing the cash is guilt money for the way they treated you.....

Interestingly my mum was also a frequent hitter (‘only in anger’). It looms much larger for me than her
of course it does, I mean she would see it as trivial wouldnt she, this so often becomes a 'DARVO' where the parent blames the adult child for being unmanageable.
To the OP....I dont mean this as badly as it probably sounds but it 'feels' to me as if you want to punish your parents by imposing your way of doing things on them....maybe you have good grounds for wanting to get your own back!

There's nothing you can do to change the way they feel about this stuff. Start matching them. Smaller gifts - £50 each to match the £50 each they spend on you. If they don't like it, they don't like it.

You are being a bit ridiculous.

Why can’t you accept that all humans whether related or not, will have different perspectives on life? Just because your parents don’t view everything the same as you do, or get the same pleasure from gift buying, they aren’t innately wrong.

I absolutely hate buying gifts, whereas DH starts buying Xmas gifts all year round. He will spot something in May for someone and put it away for Christmas. I got DH to source gifts for all the male members of our family (his and mine) as I sewed home made gifts for the female recipients. His gifts were imaginative and are always well received.

I gave up trying too hard when a so-called friend deposited her gift in the bin in her house and made bitchy comments on SM about thoughtless presents. Maybe it was a rubbish gift? I tried to think of what she’d like based on her habits, but I clearly got it very wrong. I’m not going to get stressed trying too hard to please other people.

I get you on this- gifts should show that you have considered someone’s tastes and interests (even if they don’t quite hit the mark). After all “it’s the thought that counts”- not the money, not the obligation.

But you aren’t likely to change them now so don’t sweat it. In your position, I would accept the money graciously and buy something wildly extravagant for that amount- very expensive bottle of wine, candle, handmade chocolates, makeup item.... whatever you’d like that you wouldn’t dream of spending that much on a single item normally. Enjoy the ritual.

@FeministFish I'm sorry to hear the extent of their abuse in childhood. It does not sound healthy at all; in fact, I suspect that even you are minimizing it.

I can't imagine what they could actually give you that would make this okay - in your heart, not your head. It doesn't feel that the gifts are really the issue; instead it is the 'do you love me yet? are you sorry yet?' that you need to see and hear. Doesn't sound like that is going to happen.

I would try to focus on the fact that they are good, kind and loving grandparents. You can trust them now. That's huge.

and a hug, if you'd like one.

Hmm. There's quite a bit going on here under the surface.
You want them to demonstrate their love for you by showing you that they finally truly know who you are.
My guess is, that as a child, you feel you were never really 'seen' by them.

Every year the little girl inside you dreams of finally getting her ideal parents. Through this perfect present choice, they will reveal to you that the crappy childhood was all a terrible mistake. A kind of mirage. They only pretended not to care, they only pretended to beat you and hurt your feelings. You want proof that the truth is that they do really care, and that you are the one and only special, wonderful child of their dreams. One they can find the exact right present that will show you this.
I don't blame you for trying to demand that sort of present. But it's likely never to arrive because it's an ideal present that lives in your head. Unless your parents have had therapy, they will be as self-absorbed and lacking in awareness as they ever were.
It's unlikely your parents will change. They did treat you badly. Take their money, it's some compensation for the crappy parenting.

When they go on cruises, they opt out of the tips and just give $20 to their favourite member of staff. They do not like wasting money (as they see it).

I thought cruise were compulsory and around $200? (I’ve never been)

*cruise tips

Why not just use the £100 towards theatre tickets? You said you're well off, if you wish to go, just go and use this towards it.

No cruise tips are completely optional, I have been on 11 cruises.
On cruises you have the option to remove the daily added service charge and tip as you want. You can’t deduct the 12.5% that is added to every drink you purchase.

Ah thanks @Lippy1234

I haven't RTFT but I know exactly where you are coming from OP. We spend every Christmas with my parents. Every year for birthdays and Christmas I get a cheque. The very generous Christmas cheque is to buy and wrap all gifts for me and my children from them. Every Christmas my Mum has a huge stocking full of gifts she's bought for herself and yet is unable to buy even one small stocking filler or birthday gift for me. I'd happily do without the money and have some small thoughtful gift instead. I know it's petty but I do find it bothers me that she isn't able to just pick up one little gift occasionally - she spends hours trawling shops every month for herself!

I think you have to accept what they're like, and as they don't seem to appreciate what you spend in time or effort I'd just send them back a £100.

If they started out without much they may well have a very different approach from you. I had no help with a house deposit and never get cash handouts. I would a cash injection every now and then. And if they struggled in early adulthood I can see why they feel it is a good gift.

OP, you need to let it go. Just spend the money on a nice treat and thank them for it. You know by now that this is how they are and it sounds pointless to hope that they will change. Far better to reframe it into something by positive in your mind as various posters have suggested. If you’re still holding sadness about your childhood - certainly sounds like it because being upset about your parents not putting enough thought into a present really shouldn’t be an issue if you felt secure in other ways - therapy would help.

Your parents sound a little similar to mine - keen to give me opportunities through education etc but with little emotional support and occasional downright awfulness. Mine still don’t get presents for me or my children for Christmas or birthdays, although every few years they might give me some cash (usually when a sibling has just received a handout). I buy presents for my children on their birthdays and at Christmas from them (didn’t want my kids to feel as unimportant to my parents as I did!) and occasionally for myself too. I consider myself reimbursed if/when these handouts occur even though the figures absolutely do not stack up! I tell them what they have given us and do not hold it against them (although might still get a passing moment of sadness if my birthday fell on a pmt day!) I do still put lots of thought into presents for them and try to get them things that they really want and need but don’t expect much appreciation. I’m fine about this - it is what it is. I know I won’t get the same consideration in return but choose to do it because that’s how I show I care about them.

It took a while when I was younger but I’ve now accepted my childhood and grieved for it; and for the fact that I will never have as full a relationship with either of my parents as most of my friends do with theirs. They will never show the same thought or affection as many other parents - it’s beyond their ability. But I’m no longer very sad about this - it is what it is; they are who they are. The choice is accepting how they are and being happy about it or wishing they were different (this would be pointless!)

It seems to me that you are looking for them to change in ways that they are unlikely to. If you are able to get over your issues then receiving £100 to spend on yourself could bring you the happiness that your parents are possibly hoping to bestow on you. Hopefully this will translate into appreciation on your part and a virtuous circle of enhanced happiness will begin. I hope it works out.

I can see your point to some extent but I think you just have to find a way to make your peace with the fact that your parents aren't people who demonstrate their affection via carefully chosen gifts. However, they obviously love you but just can't buy luxuries - plenty of people are rubbish at gift buying so may e just be grateful that they don't buy you tat that you never want! You, however, are that type of person so I think you should keep doing this for them and take pleasure in the giving of the gifts and then make sure to always spend their money on equally well-planned gifts to yourself. Could you start a separate account for their money alone or maybe open a Revolut account and only have their money in it so that there is a clear distinction between what you buy for you and what they buy for you?

I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered as a child, none of that is OK. And the gift stuff is clearly linked to unresolved issues and understandable feelings about what they did to you. This is bigger than who gets what present, and I would suggest some counselling to help you work out what's really going on for you. Best of luck

Thank you all for your help.

I have previously thought about spending the money on counselling sessions to try to improve my relationship with my parents. But I don't really know what I would hope to achieve - is it a case of I need to forgive them? I don't think they would ever apologise for what happened, even if they admitted to it. (The most I imagine I would get is, "I'm sorry about that BUT - we were working hard / stressed / you and your sister used to fight all the time etc.) I also suspect they "wouldn't remember" a lot of it.

Interestingly, they never did hit my sister (8 year age difference with her being younger) and she remembers an idyllic childhood. I feel guilty that my memories are not the same, and I feel like I must be a very negative person for not appreciating all the lovely times we apparently had.

Hand on heart, I can say financially my life is many times better than it would have been without their help. I no longer need any financial assistance - I got an excellent job and made some lucky investments - but I wouldn't have been able to do that without the excellent education and financial leg-up they gave me.

They are genuinely very good with my children, and my children adore them. I speak to them most days on the phone and we get on well. It's harder when they're in my house in person - I get very on edge and controlling when they visit, which makes things difficult for everyone.

Oh dear, this turned out rather more complex than ingratitude about a gift, didn't it?

Have you considered that your parents are not as "well off" as you might think?