Or are my parents, about gifts?

[FeministFish]

My parents are very well off, but careful with money. I am also fairly well off, thanks in part, to their financial generosity over the years (lump sums gifted to my sister who needed it - and then matched to me, out of fairness' sake).

For their birthdays / Christmases etc. each year, I spend a lot of time thinking about what they would like. They are both difficult to buy for. My dad has a lot of allergies, so food / eating out gifts are difficult. My mum has a lot of niche interests, where she would rather choose things for herself, but doesn't like pretty much anything I would term as "easy gifts" - e.g. chocolates, alcohol, flowers.

Examples of recent things I have got them include a night in a luxury hotel with dinner in a village they have historical interest in, and a personal shopping trip with £250 to spend.

For my birthday every year, they just want to send me £100. I have explained that I don't need money, and I would much rather they pick out something they think I would like. But they won't.

This year my sister suggested that she would club together with my parents and get me some theatre tickets to something I would really love to see, along with my Mum, who also wants to see it. I was delighted!

Now it's come to book it, they have realised how expensive the tickets are, and are asking instead if they can just send me £100, as it's a lot to spend on one night.

I'm not bothered at all about the value of the gift, but it feels so, so impersonal that every year they just do a bank transfer to my account when I spend time each occasion choosing something I know they will love.

They are otherwise decent people mostly. I had a slightly rocky childhood, but they are really good with my kids, and willingly look after them whenever it helps us out (within reason - they live a couple of hours away).

AIBU to expect them to put some thought into a gift for me?

Thanks to all. In response to PP, childhood was rocky with some things that today would be defined as abuse but were not particularly cruel or unusual for the time (even if they would never admit to it in front of other people, then or now).

My childhood was always well-resourced - private school, music lessons. Always money for education, less so for fun. Parents were not (back then) well off, but worked hard. They have always been financially generous for things that matter to them - eg property, education.

I think I do equate thoughtfulness with love.

As you've said you're all well off and don't need the money, why don't you ask them to donate it to a charity of your choice? That way both you and your parents have been thoughtful and it defeats the issue of you and your folks just randomly swapping money into each other's accounts

I think you’d be better off thinking about how they do show love, rather than thinking it’s sad.

It’s really not that easy to buy good presents for people. I’m going to sound awful perhaps - but all the times people say, “thank you so much, it’s lovely”, they mean “I appreciate that you cared and I don’t hate it, might even like it, but it’s just a thing and I have things, and I am not blown away by it”.

My cousin thinks I love the miniature breakfast things hamper she sent me, because I said “oh that’s perfect for my camper van”. Reality, my van has cupboards big enough for proper sized preserves, and I’d rather just have a proper pot of my usual medium-end brand, than some packaging wasteful tiny fiddly pot of a cheap jam that’s inoffensive but not as nice as my usual one. Of course I didn’t say all that - and I know from another family member she was happy that she “really hit the spot!”

This is why I don’t like buying “things” for people. I know that they (for nice reasons) sometimes lie.

So they you've had plenty of material and practical support from them, but otherwise there's a bit of a void there.

I don't think you'll ever get what you need from them emotionally, OP. Sorry.

I think they show that they care in a practical way. Giving you cash. BUt you don’t seem to want that so they have offered to pay your council tax. Presumably they feel that that will take some pressure off you. It’s imaginary pressure on their part but I think it’s well meaning. They seem more practical minded. It’s not at that they don’t care. It’s that they feel that them giving you money is taking care of you.

I think the dynamic where they have needed to help your sister financially feeds in to this need. And they seem very fair by giving you the same amount even though you don’t need the financial help.

Maybe try to reframe it in your mind. They want to give you something more than a physical present. They seem to want to give you security.

On thoughtfulness...

£100 = don’t give a shit about you, throw £100 so we don’t have to think, don’t care how it is spent.

£100 = we don’t know what to get, and we actually care about not giving her something that she doesn’t want, £100 will get her a treat, because we want her to have a treat.

Buy the theatre ticket you wanted with the £100 and get your mum to buy her own or it can be an early birthday present for her

my mum sends me money every year for me and the kids.

I give them cash and buy Panto tickets. I then usually buy something for the house.

Everyone’s happy.

I set it aside knowing that’s her gift.

Don’t see an issue

YANBU. You would like them to think about you in the way that you think about them... a good gift, appropriate for you, would be a sign that they are paying attention to you.

That said, you need to see this as the fairly inconsequential problem that it is and just get over it. They do the same for your sister. It's not like they're buying carefully chosen, personal gifts for her. You could give your 100 quid to your sister if she needs it...

But to me it feels like I'm unworthy of time and/or effort for something nice

They give you £100.

I think you need to get over yourself.

On thoughtfulness...

£100 = don’t give a shit about you, throw £100 so we don’t have to think, don’t care how it is spent.

£100 = we don’t know what to get, and we actually care about not giving her something that she doesn’t want, £100 will get her a treat, because we want her to have a treat.

You need to reframe your emotional response and realise that not everyone shows love in the same way.

Google the languages of love,

@ltk This is basically what happens. They gave me £100 for my birthday last year. I have it to my sister for her wedding (more understandable because she lives overseas).

To others, it isn't the value of the gifts and I certainly don't outspend them every year. I am also self aware enough to know I have had some misses (nobody enjoyed the escape room!). But that's surely part of the joy of a gift - a surprise tailored to how well somebody knows you.

I do like the idea of asking them to pick something from a charity shop. They would be horrified at the suggestion of donating such a large amount (£100) to charity though. When they go on cruises, they opt out of the tips and just give $20 to their favourite member of staff. They do not like wasting money (as they see it).

My mum is obsessed with people having things to open at Christmas.

I hate the waste and the impact on the environment and would love the idea of her paying my council tax for a month instead! I would feel so much more taken care of!

Again, neither of us are wrong it’s just different approaches and she cannot see why I wouldn’t be the same as her and want lots of stuff.

Why does it bother you so much how your parents spend their money?

You have to accept your parents as they are and to me they certainly sound very good. You can put your £100 towards the theatre tickets if you want.

I do see where you're coming from but I still think they mean well.
£100 is a nice amount.

Make sure you take it out and do buy something specific, don't let it get mixed with the other money in the account

I can completely see where you're coming from, but I will say this - I have always hated getting "surprise presents" as in presents that people think I will love. It comes after years of family wishlists and the "do not deviate from this list ever" but it just means I am confused by surprises and never quite show the right amount of joy! I also get very nervous when people I am supposed to buy gifts for don't have a wishlist, as I am worried of getting them something they won't like - it'll go to waste etc.

However, this has changed very recently, as of this year. Perhaps this is because I have acquired some more obvious hobbies that have easy gifts (think of any team sport where you train in kit, so need spare socks, that sort of thing), but I think it is mostly because I have a very patient partner who really really listens to what I love and knows what I don't buy myself (count it as too luxurious) but would love to receive.

So while I'm happy to receive "surprise" gifts from the partner and from my immediate family, me choosing what to buy for immediate family runs me totally cold. I have a not-immediate-but-close family member who never wants anything specific for xmas and I've done cash for years! It's not that I panic per-se, but just that I have no idea where to begin. So if I had a budget of £100 I would definitely rather send them the cash and then they can buy what they love the most.

I really don't see the difference between someone buying you a chocolate experience for £100, or you receiving the cash and doing it yourself. So maybe that's something you can figure out yourself. When relatives send me money I always let them know what their money has bought or gone towards - maybe having that sort of solid equation of what the money went towards would help you?

From your updates it sounds like your parents and you just don't see eye to eye, but them giving you cash is the least stressful and highest literal value thing they can think to do. I wouldn't want my council tax paid for for Christmas either! But I would take myself off out and buy "something nice" and tell them "Thanks so much for your £100, I decided to splash out on XYZ and that will bring me a lot of joy".

Maybe when they know more of what you would do with £100, this will influence what/if they buy you something specific in future years?

tl;dr version is this - cash isn't impersonal. It's actually the ultimate personal gift, because you can choose what you want. However, if this method upsets you then either the method needs to change (looks like it won't), or you need to change how you look at it, for the sake of your family.

ps. You sound so much like my brother, down to the description of childhood, so I really do sympathise. Thankfully, I know that's not the case because of another couple of details, but still!

I am not fussed about getting gifts. I am also
not a person who likes selecting gifts. I can think of other ways to show my affection (I like cooking big meals, hosting people). There is a list of things that bore me to tears and shopping (for myself and others) and interior decoration are high on that list.

If I could just give people money and I could be assured that people wouldn’t think badly of me I would do that. Your parents are obviously generous. You want them to express their generosity differently. That is a little bit unrealistic.

I opt out of tips on cruises too, they would have been £800 on my last holiday. I also just have a small amount to my cabin steward. I hope my DC aren’t posting about this on Mumsnet.

I suspect I am like your parents. I hate shopping and find present buying very stressful and just a pain in the arse. This year I just asked family what they would like, and I went and got that for them.

Giving money would be even easier, and I actually admire your parents for doing what they do. Use the money to buy yourself a treat, and consider that your gift.

My FIL used to do this and we really appreciated it! Older people dont really like shopping for gifts and find it easier to give money generally .Can you not go to the theatre instead with DH, putting their £100 towards it and ask them to babysit for you ?I think £100 is a generous amount .

Suggest unless you really like it, not bothering to spend hours thinking of gifts for parents ... they prob dont care too hoots and wish you wouldnt! Just give them vouchers or cash!

My parents are exactly the same but with the addition that 1) my mum always find a way to insult what I've bought her and 2) this year I didn't even get my cheque (or anything else)!

I took my mum a book of short stories about murder at Christmas (should have used it for research!) and when she opened it I said 'sorry if you've read any of them' and she said no, she won't have, because she doesn't like short stories.

(She reads loads so I didn't think a bit of short stories could be too troublesome)

She then said "but you have given me something I really want, which is this wrapping paper to wrap x's gift" where x is my brother's new wife he married last year after meeting her on the Internet and her having his baby. Oh yeah, she lives in Ukraine.

So, my dad obviously felt guilty and suggested mum take me into town (I have to take her, she doesn't drive and can't walk much) and get me 'something nice' from a shop that sells countryside clothing .

Off we go and she spends the whole time looking for another gift for dil. At one point we go into a gallery and I point out some great ceramic penguins which I love. She goes to to the till to ask about some smaller ones she saw there before and I'm about to say "oh, don't worry, I don't really want one" when she says "because I'm sure my daughter in law would love one". Sigh.

Bloody cow.

And no explanation for why there was no cheque or other gift for me. Bastards.

I think we maybe must have different ideas of gifts to show love and it just makes me sad.

Maybe they think love is unconditional and doesn't need bought with fancy gifts? You do seems to equate this lack of buying physical gifts one or twice a year with the amount they care for you. So you have self esteem/worth issues?

Please dont use the idea to ask them to go to a charity shop. They don't like choosing gifts, they prefer and feel more comfortable giving money. It doesn't mean they don't love you. Stop trying to make them prove it your way.

Our family changed most of our present giving to charitable donations.

Perhaps you could suggest to your parents to give the money comprising your present as a charitable donation and just get you a book / voucher etc. They could continue giving the monetary present to your sister.