‘In this house’

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

I see this regularly on AIBU, but it became quite a key point on one particular thread recently. A topic will be being discussed and someone will pipe up with ‘In this house the rule is...’ or ‘In this house we do X, Y, Z and everyone abides by that, no excuses’. It’s by no means universal, but as far as I can see it’s normally used by posters very keen to portray themselves as no-nonsense, firm but fair types who have ‘no truck with snowflakes’ and who ‘parent their children, not the other way around’.

I know it doesn’t affect me in any way whatsoever. It shouldn’t matter; I can just scroll on. But I can’t help feeling that anyone who uses this expression is the kind of person I’d walk under buses to avoid.

AIBU?

But then I suppose some parents are bossy and over-controlling.

if that's what you call parents putting boundaries and rules for their children, then proudly so.

Rosebel

They’re really your rules, though, aren’t they? Rules you have put in place for your kids. You don’t have “consequences” for yourself, I assume?

Having a list of fixed rules really works for some children.

They do, but surely house rules often/always apply to adults too?

if that's what you call parents putting boundaries and rules for their children, then proudly so.

You can parent without being over-controlling. That will undoubtedly lead to rebellion.

They do, but surely house rules often/always apply to adults too?

They don’t really. The adult can choose to follow the rules, but it’s completely discretionary, isn’t it? The adult isn’t going to be punished if they don’t do whatever the rule says...

Because plenty of families DO tolerate racism and sexism

But why the need to primly announce you aren't ? What does it even matter to you if Joe Bloggs + family are? It's unlikely you'd be associating with such people, so it has no impact on your life anyway.

There is no need to point out how good you are, by saying what you aren't. It just makes it smell strongly of virtue signalling.

I don’t think 5/6 year olds can take an equal role with adults in deciding on a set of rules for a whole family. They’re too much influenced by your parenting. That doesn’t mean I think them incapable of thought

How sad you have such low expectations.

so if your 5 year old didn't accept rules regarding their own safety, what then?
None of the rules have anything to do with safety. We don’t need rules for that.

Do your kids still agree about the rules to implement when they get older, when they are teenagers? Really?
As most of them are to do with respecting people, they are just as relevant as they were 5 years ago.

You don’t have “consequences” for yourself, I assume?

We do. There is a list DD can chose from, and we have to stick to it.

This has been great for teaching her how everyone faces consequences, not just her.

I hate this nonsense about same rules for adults and children.

Kids have a set bed time - changing as they grow older. I don't care if they like it or not, they need sleep, so they switch off their lights when told to.
Parents have admin and work to do. No, I can't have a set bed time - as much as I would like one - when I have bills to pay and things to do in order to pay them!

I can drink wine, no my kids cannot. Even the teenagers can't have a glass randomly.

Do what you want, I am not negotiating basic rules, my house is not a democracy. My kids have enough friends, they need us as parents. Works with mine. I don't care if in the short time they would like screen time that is banned during school term.

They don’t really.

They do in my house.

Eat meals at the table applies to adults too for example.

No sectarian shit or you get put out applies to adults too (I've removed both adults and children from my homer for sectarian shite).

How on earth can you expect children to follow the rules if you don't follow them yourself?

Obviously there are some exceptions with small children, bedtimes for example, but generally I take 'my house, my rules' to mean the rules apply to all ages.

We do. There is a list DD can chose from, and we have to stick to it.

What sort of thing are you not allowed to do? What are your punishments?

MintyMabel
it's not having low expectations to treat a 5 year old like a 5 year old

works both ways - they are children with all the negative, but also the freedom that goes with it. It's not just rules, chores and work are also age-appropriate!

WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey

But what would happen to you if you did do “sectarian shit”, or you didn’t eat a meal at the table? My point is that they are your rules and you are choosing to follow them, where others have to follow them.

Every single fucking day of the week I have to deal with homophobes, racists and sexists.

An au pair came and was swiftly educated that homophobia wasn't okay. So to say people don't routinely interact with the above, is batshit.

And yes, you know what, I do set the rules (along with DH) not my children
Wanna know why? It's not a fucking democracy. We say, they do.

They don't mind doing, because as above, we treat with respect and love. So when the "rule" of tidy your bedroom by 4.30 is set, they do so. Because they understand, via the medium of communication, mom/dad/au pair, is not their maid. They trash their room and things get broken, they won't always be replaced.

Why don't the adults have these rules? Because we've lived enough of life to understand consequences...if I don't tidy my room, then I break my foundation, I'm now without my foundation and a bigger mess to clean up, potentially also a ruined carpet. I don't expect a 7/10 year old to understand all possible outcomes, so we set it as a rule to form a good habit.

Consequences, we discuss and I always take input, if they think it's fair, reasonable and related. Because whilst my house isn't a democracy, it's also not a dictatorship.

My children aren't my equals. And thank Christ, because otherwise...when would they get to be children exactly?

How sad you have such low expectations.

Behave 😂 I have very high expectations of my children. I just don’t pretend I’m not in charge so I can feel better about it and fake a “we’re all in this together” vibe. I’m the parent. My children follow my rules. I don’t pretend the rules belong to the house. I don’t pretend the same rules apply to me as to the children, because even if I do choose to follow my own rules, it’s a choice for me and it isn’t for them.

I always interpret it to mean the opposite of what you've said. I think posters use it literally ie they do that in their house but realise it's different in other houses. All the snowflake stuff is just nonsense that you're projecting.

I find the 52%/ 48% split on this vote fascinating 😉

I haven't seen the 'in this house' line used on MN and not in real life at all.

Every household has rules, some more stringent / explicit than others. Just because someone says 'in this house' on MN doesn't mean they talk like that at home.

E.g. Walking with shoes on in the house is a big no no at my parents house. My mum never said 'in this house we don't wear shoes' but would tell/yell at you to take your shoes off.

My point is that they are your rules and you are choosing to follow them, where others have to follow them.

Then we are talking at cross purposes.

Yes they are our (not my) rules, and yes everyone else, adults and children alike, have to follow them if they want to be in our house.

That's the whole point of house rules. The people who actually live in the house get to make them, regardless of what wider society deems acceptable.

I'd find it very weird if a parent was telling visiting children to eat at the table because 'that's what we do in this house' but let visiting adults eat on the sofa in front of the telly though, so as far as I can tell 'house rules' generally apply to adults too.

Yes they are our (not my) rules, and yes everyone else, adults and children alike, have to follow them if they want to be in our house.

So if you break the rules, your children will throw you out?

It's usually just a fall back line step parents use to justify their interference with partners dc.

Well a lot of the rules everyone follows. For example homework must be done before screen time. My husband and I follow this for admin, work we need to finish etc. It's good for the children to see everyone follows the rules.
Of course some rules are different because me and my husband don't tend to kick each other.

Well a lot of the rules everyone follows. For example homework must be done before screen time. My husband and I follow this for admin, work we need to finish etc.

Yes, but point being, you choose to do that. Your kids don’t. They’re your rules, and you choose to follow them. If you chose not to, you could still enforce them on others, so they’re yours.

Hi Jolly, what's your view on "when you pay the bills you can make the rules"?

Tistheseason17

It’s true up to a point, isn’t it? Out of courtesy I would obviously listen to my DC and get their take on how things should work in the house, but the bottom line is that I own my house and they don’t.