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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘In this house’

183 replies

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/01/2020 11:29

I see this regularly on AIBU, but it became quite a key point on one particular thread recently. A topic will be being discussed and someone will pipe up with ‘In this house the rule is...’ or ‘In this house we do X, Y, Z and everyone abides by that, no excuses’. It’s by no means universal, but as far as I can see it’s normally used by posters very keen to portray themselves as no-nonsense, firm but fair types who have ‘no truck with snowflakes’ and who ‘parent their children, not the other way around’.

I know it doesn’t affect me in any way whatsoever. It shouldn’t matter; I can just scroll on. But I can’t help feeling that anyone who uses this expression is the kind of person I’d walk under buses to avoid.

AIBU?

OP posts:
thejollyroger · 03/01/2020 14:11

I don't like the phrase 'not allowed'. It gives me the impression kids are only ever doing as they are told.

Kids should do as they’re told. I’m not embarrassed about telling a visiting child they’re not allowed to jump on my sofa. 🤷🏻‍♀️

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 03/01/2020 14:12

My house my rules/my child my rules are very irritating nonsense remarks people make when trying to portray that they have control over everything

I just smile and say great and wonder what’s their need

RemediosVaro · 03/01/2020 14:16

If I were your son, I would be irritated by the “We don’t do that”. It’s a very infantilising way to talk to someone. Why not just be direct and say “You’re not allowed to...”?

Just seems like overthinking to me. I don't even know if I've ever said the exact phrase "we don't" or "in this house", but to me it's not really any different to saying "you're not allowed to". 🤷‍♀️ Just a way of explaining that some kids are allowed to do some things that mine aren't, and vice versa.

I could (and probably have) equally say "Jonny may be allowed to eat in the living room, but you're not". Although thinking about it, that's exactly why I might say "in this house", since clearly my kid IS allowed to eat in the living room at Jonny's house, so just saying "you're not allowed to" is ambiguous!

In short, language is complex and making assumptions or getting annoyed about a turn of phrase is silly.

thejollyroger · 03/01/2020 14:18

In short, language is complex and making assumptions or getting annoyed about a turn of phrase is silly.

I don’t think it’s silly at all. Language communicates huge swathes of meaning, and yes, in different ways to different people, but we can’t actually help the way we receive meaning, can we?

MintyMabel · 03/01/2020 14:20

But they’re not your kids’ rules, are they? They’re not democratically founded and agreed upon? They’re yours?

Our “house rules” were drawn up as a family.

RemediosVaro · 03/01/2020 14:21

I don’t think it’s silly at all. Language communicates huge swathes of meaning

Maybe. But in many cases people do like to overthink it. I don't think there's a huge difference of meaning to be inferred between "we don't eat in the living room in this house" and "you're not allowed to eat in the living room". Except that like I said, the former is actually less ambiguous and more accurate.

thejollyroger · 03/01/2020 14:22

Our “house rules” were drawn up as a family.

How did that work, then? How old were your kids? And what would have happened if they’d said they wanted to be able to jump on the furniture?

MintyMabel · 03/01/2020 14:22

but we can’t actually help the way we receive meaning, can we?

The writer can’t always help the way something is read, can they?

JosefKeller · 03/01/2020 14:22

My house my rules/my child my rules are very irritating nonsense remarks people make when trying to portray that they have control over everything

Confused

even having a "no rule house" is some kind of rule.
You don't educate your children, do you? I don't believe that for a second.

thejollyroger · 03/01/2020 14:25

The writer can’t always help the way something is read, can they?

No.

MintyMabel · 03/01/2020 14:26

How did that work, then? How old were your kids? And what would have happened if they’d said they wanted to be able to jump on the furniture?

We had a discussion and agreed on the things we wanted to implement as rules. DD was about 5 or 6 I think. Nothing she suggested was outrageous but a few were things we were doing that bothered her. They made the list. Children aren’t as dumb as people seem to think they are.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 03/01/2020 14:27

I just don’t feel the need to come out with such statements

You can have boundaries and educate children without referring to a list of rules

BlueRussianCat · 03/01/2020 14:27

They are just saying what they do in their house, what their rules are. How bizarre you take offence at it.

thejollyroger · 03/01/2020 14:27

We had a discussion and agreed on the things we wanted to implement as rules. DD was about 5 or 6 I think.

Right, so she said what she thought you wanted to hear, rather than took an equal and informed role in deciding on “house rules”. Come on!

MintyMabel · 03/01/2020 14:28

You can have boundaries and educate children without referring to a list of rules

Depends on the child. Having a list of fixed rules really works for some children.

MintyMabel · 03/01/2020 14:29

Right, so she said what she thought you wanted to hear, rather than took an equal and informed role in deciding on “house rules”. Come on!

Wow. Do you hold such little regard for your children that you think they are incapable of independent thought?

BlueRussianCat · 03/01/2020 14:29

You can have boundaries and educate children without referring to a list of rules

Even most classrooms set "class rules" Hmm

thejollyroger · 03/01/2020 14:30

MintyMabel

I don’t think 5/6 year olds can take an equal role with adults in deciding on a set of rules for a whole family. They’re too much influenced by your parenting. That doesn’t mean I think them incapable of thought. 🙄

BlueRussianCat · 03/01/2020 14:31

Like "we don't tolerate racism/sexism" etc. Why would anyone think you would? Why do you feel the need to point it out? confused

Because plenty of families DO tolerate racism and sexism

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/01/2020 14:33

Can't say I've ever noticed.

I'll get me coat - on my way to having a nice relaxing day in the spa.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 03/01/2020 14:41

Not talking about a class room

I was referring to people who come out with such statements - what’s the need to appear so in control

I doubt their children abide to their rules anymore or any less than other children who’s parent/s do not feel the need to refer back to a list of rules what’s allowed in their house but have set boundaries and expectations

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 03/01/2020 14:43

I also dislike the sort of parents who talk about ‘ground rules’. Awful expression - sounds so bossy and over-controlling. But then I suppose some parents are bossy and over-controlling.
I am a GP now and never needed to use any such terms with our children, or with any of their friends.

Eustacecraig · 03/01/2020 14:46

I thought this was going to be a thread about those awful 'In this house... because in this house we do Disney' stencils. Bloody hate those.

JosefKeller · 03/01/2020 14:51

We had a discussion and agreed on the things we wanted to implement as rules. DD was about 5 or 6 I think.

GrinGrinGrin

so if your 5 year old didn't accept rules regarding their own safety, what then?
Do your kids still agree about the rules to implement when they get older, when they are teenagers? Really?

Rosebel · 03/01/2020 14:52

We have family rules, is that better or worse? We also have a list of consequences if the rules aren't followed.
They are family rules as we negotiated with the children on things like screen time and consequences.

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