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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her at the party

155 replies

Ifonly86 · 03/01/2020 00:44

AIBU to think a child that demands a party invitation then doesn’t say thank you for the invite shouldn’t come?
Completely prepared to be told IABU but I would expect better manners from an 11 year old. DS doesn’t particularly like said child but he felt guilty at leaving her out despite her public mega tantrum at not being initially invited due to numbers.
This girl is known for being a trouble maker and I’m concerned she will cause damage and I will lose the deposit or she will spoil it for DS somehow. The last party they both attended, she made it about her and wouldn’t let the birthday girl speak to any other friends then took the party bag and left without saying thank you or bye. Her parents brought her sibling without asking and let him eat a lot of the food and didn’t bring a gift (I know not to be expected but still the done thing). She is very needy and clingy and regularly has tantrums if a child doesn’t spend their entire day with her. There are no underlying issues, her parents find it funny and enable this. They are also rude and entitled.
I know I can’t uninvite her or make an excuse so close to the party despite praying she doesn’t show as some of her friends are coming who will be talking about it and a relative of hers is my ndn so we wouldn’t get away with it. Feeling bitter about the whole situation, how can I handle this?

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 03/01/2020 00:48

You have invited her now. Nothing much you can do. I would have told ds to say no and not given him an invite for her

RainingFrogsAndHats · 03/01/2020 00:48

I think you're an adult, so should act like one.

ladybirdsarelovely33 · 03/01/2020 00:52

It's too late now - you cant rescind the invitation. You can find out for sure if she is coming and manage her and party so that she doesn't ruin it. Presumably she will be dropped off? So another adult who is good with children and her temperament can be (paid if necessary) assigned to ensure she doesn't get up to any bad behaviour.
It's difficult to manage invitations diplomatically no doubt about it.

Original poster
Ifonly86 · 03/01/2020 00:58

Agree about DS I’ve had stern words but it’s done now, I don’t want an already stressful party to be made worse by a child who should know better and I don’t want to be watching her the whole night either.
Sod off ‘frogs’ it’s not your money that would be lost if she ruins anything, like the £500 speaker she put a hole in that her parents refused to pay for.

OP posts:
Glitteryone · 03/01/2020 01:05

I don’t get why you invited her knowing all of what you’ve just posted?

Canadianpancake · 03/01/2020 01:06

What kind of party is it @Ifonly86?

HarrietSchulenberg · 03/01/2020 01:08

If she'd put her foot through a £500 speaker and I had proof, I'd be taking her parents to a small claims court if they refused to pay up.
I would not be left out of pocket by brattish behaviour and indulgent parenting.

Original poster
Ifonly86 · 03/01/2020 01:10

I didn’t invite her my son did out of guilt and told me after he gave her the invite when it was too late to retract. She hasn’t been allowed at our family parties for years and every party she goes to she ruins, no one will invite her anymore hence the tantrum. It wasn’t one of our parties re: the speaker but this is what she is like and what I’m afraid of.

OP posts:
bottlenose301 · 03/01/2020 01:12

Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do now she's invited. Hopefully she's grown up a bit since the last party she went to?!

Canadianpancake · 03/01/2020 01:18

If she's that bad I would text parents and explain that ds invited her without you know if and you are very sorry but it's strictly limited numbers that have already been confirmed with the venue and caterer so unfortunately she can't come.

user1473878824 · 03/01/2020 01:27

But it wasn’t your speaker you paid for, it was another party. If she’s does anything pull her up on it. But I’m confused by the title, you want a thank you for an invite from an 11 year old? You’re the adult. She’s invited.

katy1213 · 03/01/2020 01:31

If your son invited her without your permission, I'd simply call her parents and un-invite her - and if they demand an explanation, tell them you can't cope with her behaviour. If they don't like it, tough - you don't want to be friends, anyway.

Ishotmrburns · 03/01/2020 01:35

You shouldn't have invited someone your DC doesn't like to their party. Now that you gave done it you should honour the invitation.

Butterymuffin · 03/01/2020 01:38

Agree with @Canadianpancake. If she is that bad tell them the invitation shouldn't have been given and you're afraid you don't have space so she can't come.

TheSerenDipitY · 03/01/2020 01:45

well you cant get out of it now, but you can make it less pleasant for her and less stress for you... assign a minder to discretely ( or not) shadow her and intervene when needed and also when she is dropped off have someone at the door saying no to the sibling and make sure that sibling leaves with the parents... and if she gets to be too much trouble call the parents and tell them to come collect her as her behavior is out of control and if they refuse put her in time out and tell her why, that her behavior is unacceptable and that she wont be invited back again

BlankTimes · 03/01/2020 01:45

Rescind.

The advice about your son doing it without you knowing and there being strictly limited numbers and you have enough people to fulfil the maximum allowed is absolutely fine. Please do that.

Queenofeverything44 · 03/01/2020 02:40

I would contact the parents and tell them she can come as long as they provide £500 deposit due to her behaviour at previous parties 😂😂😂😂😂
Being serious, I'd just apologise for the confusion but the invite was for someone else and unfortunately you are at capacity.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 03/01/2020 02:41

You have invited her now - she sounds awful so just keep her in check.

KC225 · 03/01/2020 05:01

You can't uninvite her now, but you can txt her parents saying 'siblings are unable attend due to limited spaces' and stick to it.

It may be wise to have someone keep an eye on her at the party, so she doesn't take over or manipulate the birthday child. Make sure they have her parents number so they can call for her to be collected if she really kicks off.

Foslady · 03/01/2020 07:25

Actually I would contact the parents and rescind, and tell them all the reasons you have said. At 11 years old she should know better (unless there are background issues and then she should have parental supervision), and hopefully they are yr 6 rather than yr 7 so won’t be in the same class for much longer

chamenanged · 03/01/2020 07:35

"Doesn't say thank you for the invite"? It's not the regency era. It's a bit much to be character assassinating an 11 year old for what sounds like mostly her parents' faults anyway.

UncleHerbie · 03/01/2020 07:37

At the first sign of her acting up, request that she and her parents leave immediately

PityParty4one · 03/01/2020 07:41

Is she a school friend or family member?

FamilyOfAliens · 03/01/2020 08:03

Why on earth did you allow an 11-year-old child who you clearly don’t like to force you into giving her an invitation? It doesn’t make any sense at all.

KatherineJaneway · 03/01/2020 08:03

Nothing you can do about it now.