To not want her at the party

[Ifonly86]

AIBU to think a child that demands a party invitation then doesn’t say thank you for the invite shouldn’t come?
Completely prepared to be told IABU but I would expect better manners from an 11 year old. DS doesn’t particularly like said child but he felt guilty at leaving her out despite her public mega tantrum at not being initially invited due to numbers.
This girl is known for being a trouble maker and I’m concerned she will cause damage and I will lose the deposit or she will spoil it for DS somehow. The last party they both attended, she made it about her and wouldn’t let the birthday girl speak to any other friends then took the party bag and left without saying thank you or bye. Her parents brought her sibling without asking and let him eat a lot of the food and didn’t bring a gift (I know not to be expected but still the done thing). She is very needy and clingy and regularly has tantrums if a child doesn’t spend their entire day with her. There are no underlying issues, her parents find it funny and enable this. They are also rude and entitled.
I know I can’t uninvite her or make an excuse so close to the party despite praying she doesn’t show as some of her friends are coming who will be talking about it and a relative of hers is my ndn so we wouldn’t get away with it. Feeling bitter about the whole situation, how can I handle this?

What a nightmare! I sympathise with your son.. at eleven years old I would have handed out an invitation to someone I didn't like if they were causing a huge scene.
When is the party? You either:

1. Cancel the party, change the date and give out new invitations (absolute trauma).
2. Request her parent (and only a parent) stays to observe her, any sign of her kicking off they intervene and they leave.

If she starts to act up at the party I’d call her parents and ask them to collect her early

Oh dear OP what an awkward situation! A useful lesson for your son to stand up for himself a bit more (although I totally sympathise - how awful to try and withstand a tantrumming eleven year old!).

I worry that if you rescind the invitation now, this baggage will make your son’s life a misery at school. I agree with pp’s who suggest another adult to monitor her closely and at the first sign of problems she should be ejected from the party. I don't think it should be one of her parents, though - it is entirely their fault that their daughter is the way she is so I doubt they would be much use if she starts causing trouble.

She does all these terrible things (and I daresay more drips will follow) her parents are terrible too, but you lead with her not saying thank you for the invite?

Gosh you really dislike this little girl

Not surprising really.

I’d uninvite as well!!

My DS is having his 11th birthday party next week and I wouldn't expect the children to thank him/me for the invitation, it would be down to the parents when they texted to accept. I think excitement can make children forget their manners, highly frustrating but true! Your son sounds very nice to worry about the girl feeling left out. Hard to advise how to handle this without knowing what type of party it is. I would absolutely text the parents ahead of time and in a nice way make it clear no siblings and - if you can somehow and I don't know how - let them know that if she kicks off during the party they will be asked to collect her and any damages will have to be paid for. Try not to be too negative about her being there, it's done now and the party will still be fun.

@FamilyOfAliens
Have you even read the thread? The OP didn’t invite the child, her DS did

Thank you everyone. I’m still undecided but as the party is tomorrow I need to sort something today. I understand those saying it isn’t her fault etc but she’s not a toddler and she’s very aware of her actions, this is his last primary party and I’ve gone all out. I don’t want to say what as it’s very outing but it’s ‘different’ and there are a lot of children attending so it will be hard keeping an eye on her in the crowd.
We live in a small village and we’ve been ‘tied’ to her family since nursery age, we are often at the same events and parties so I see first hand the majority of her behaviour. I stopped talking to them about 5 years ago as I couldn’t handle their attitude and how they look down on everyone.
Regarding the lack of thank you, when he handed her the paper he said she snatched it and walked away. That got my back up as if someone kindly added you to their party would you not just say thanks when handed it? All other responses to the invite began with ‘thank you for the invite...’ assumed this was the done thing.
(He wrote down the venue time and date for her as all invites were out not specifically wrote her one).

Firstly, I'd make sure that her parents are aware that sibling is not invited. Not quite sure how, but something along the lines of "I noticed at x's party that you brought along little y. I just want to make sure that you are aware that we won't be able to accomodate him at mini86's party" Can be followed up, if necessary, with "it's a numbers thing and it isn't really suitable for his age" and if necessary and she says she'll stay with him, say "That doesn't work for us" and repeat.

Secondly, you need some allies pre-warned and briefed to intercept Mum at party and stop her staying and to stick to the girl and pre-empt any issues. If she tantrums, then an adult can remove her from the room until she calms down.

Thirdly, make sure you have a contact number so you can get her collected if she starts to kick off. I always had a list of party guests and someone at the door making sure they took a mobile number in case of any emergencies for every child and don't be afraid to give the girl a warning the first time she kicks off and follow up with asking for her to be collected. Maybe even get someone to video if she starts as evidence if something is broken.

Fourthly, hand her her party bag but don't let go of it until she says "Thank you". Prompt with "Excuse me, where's your manners" always worked for me.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow 🤞

I would message parents and say sorry for misunderstanding you've just found out DS has invited her after she asked to be invited and unfortunately venue is strictly limited and you can't accommodate her as an extra. Then say something like we will plan something another time. And then forget about it.
My niece is like this little girl and brother in law enables/encourages her rude and destructive behaviour. She never gets invited to anyone's house because she has a habit of picking up their dogs/cats and squeezing them or trying to frighten them thinking it's funny... her dad likes to frighten our cats by threatening to kick them and hissing too. You can definitely see where she gets it from. I love my niece but it's hard to deal with her behaviour when she's not your child, especially when you have to keep an eye on her dad too.

Only way I can think of to uninvite is if they have some kind of falling out at school so, you can say "Mini86 and TroublesomeGirl have had a falling out at school so,it's best she doesn't come to the party after all."

Ok, missed that it's tomorrow so that's not going to work.

I think it was odd to invite her just because she demanded it, unless you had excluded her and invited everyone else from the class/group of friends I would have politely explained that on this occasion there wasn't space for her. You can't really uninvite her now but be prepared to police her behaviour.

Good luck with the party tomorrow.

Have you had confirmation from the girls parents she coming? I’d find it odd that the invite was a scribbled bit of paper!

I’d text the parents. Be firm. Most likely they won’t bring her because the ‘won’t be ‘avin it’. Cue to be the subject of a social media post where a few people comment ‘shocking’ and ‘some people are so snobby’ while the rest agree with you silently.

Can you ask them to sign a disclaimer to state they will pay for any damage she causes?

Gosh you really dislike this little girl

And no wonder! Is an 11 year on the verge of going to secondary school a "little girl"?

hope things run smoothly tomorrow for you and ds.

You need to contact parents and say No Siblings, and one parent must stay and keep her under control.

You're going to have to assign a 'minder' to discretely keep her from damaging anything (or to be a witness). And the moment she kicks off - she's out and on her way home.

If parents turn up with an uninvited sibling, just say a polite but firm no.

If the party is at a venue and I were in your position @Ifonly86, I'd have to text her parents to say that you were unaware that your son had invited her as all invites and confirmations of attendance were sorted and you are unable to include her at the party tomorrow. It's important to stress the confirmation of attendance as numbers are strictly limited due to insurance reasons. It just won't be possible to have her at the party.

If her parents press the matter, and only if they do, you could revert back and say that you were caught out for the costs of replacing a speaker at a cost of £500 and you simply cannot run the risk of something similar happening to equipment that is not yours or to their child if something were to happen to her that would be awful but they would be responsible for all outcomes. Neither you nor the venue would be responsible for her wellbeing and you would be expecting any and all expenses incurred by her to be paid by her parents, i.e. them. No exceptions.