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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her at the party

155 replies

Ifonly86 · 03/01/2020 00:44

AIBU to think a child that demands a party invitation then doesn’t say thank you for the invite shouldn’t come?
Completely prepared to be told IABU but I would expect better manners from an 11 year old. DS doesn’t particularly like said child but he felt guilty at leaving her out despite her public mega tantrum at not being initially invited due to numbers.
This girl is known for being a trouble maker and I’m concerned she will cause damage and I will lose the deposit or she will spoil it for DS somehow. The last party they both attended, she made it about her and wouldn’t let the birthday girl speak to any other friends then took the party bag and left without saying thank you or bye. Her parents brought her sibling without asking and let him eat a lot of the food and didn’t bring a gift (I know not to be expected but still the done thing). She is very needy and clingy and regularly has tantrums if a child doesn’t spend their entire day with her. There are no underlying issues, her parents find it funny and enable this. They are also rude and entitled.
I know I can’t uninvite her or make an excuse so close to the party despite praying she doesn’t show as some of her friends are coming who will be talking about it and a relative of hers is my ndn so we wouldn’t get away with it. Feeling bitter about the whole situation, how can I handle this?

OP posts:
BaolFan · 03/01/2020 09:11

PS and make it abundantly clear that there is no room for siblings and that turning up with one in tow will result in all of them being asked to leave.

lotusbell · 03/01/2020 09:18

Your son is 11 and feels obliged to invite people to his party that he doesn't like? I find that quite odd at that age. Sorry if I've missed it but have you invited the whole class or something. My son is nearly 13 and at age 11 would not be celebrating his birthday with kids he wasnt friends with.

QueenofallIsee · 03/01/2020 09:24

I’m assuming your kids are year 6? So pretty much the last class party you’ll have and in all likelihood, the final stretch of dealing with the slightly more involved primary school dynamic? In that case I would not uninvite, but I would sternly and in front of the parents make it abundantly clear that you know her game and will not tolerate it. Tell the parents in front of her that she behaves or she leaves and follow through if you must. 6 mths odd and the kids will be moving on to secondary!

mummyway · 03/01/2020 09:28

Why didn't you discuss party numbers and invites with your son before he invited her?

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 09:31

Gosh you really dislike this little girl.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 09:32

Where are you having the party?

You say she hasn't been allowed to parties for years so how old was she when the last incident happened?

Spied · 03/01/2020 09:35

Too late unfortunately.
You and DS need to chat about not feeling pressured to give in to others' demands.
You sound like people pleasers/doormats.
Sorry

Countryandconfused · 03/01/2020 09:36

She sounds awful and you sound really stressed . I would call or text parents and tell him she was invited by accident or without your knowledge and say numbers are limited and she can’t find as she is not one of DS very close friends . Life is too short to accommodate someone else’s entitled brat who will add nothing to your sons day and only cause more stress for you . You are footing the bill and it’s DS day.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/01/2020 09:38

If she's that bad I would text parents and explain that ds invited her without you know if and you are very sorry but it's strictly limited numbers that have already been confirmed with the venue and caterer so unfortunately she can't come.

This - but be prepared for her to turn up anyway, because it sounds as though her parents take no responsibility for her behaviour.

And if she does come, and kicks off - chuck her and her entire family out (because doubtless the parents and brother will be there too.)

Elindab · 03/01/2020 09:38

You can't uninvite a child because you don't like her! That's awful. And everyone sees through the strict numbers nonsense. You just have to put up with it, imo. Try and be nice!

Kanga83 · 03/01/2020 09:39

If 11, then this is year 6? So it won't matter come next year once they are at upper anyway. Call and say no, ds got carried away due to her temper tantrum but there is no space and it's number allocated. No further explanation needed.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/01/2020 09:40

I feel concern for this girl.
Really wanting an invite so desperately indicates her home life is miserable
Not saying thank you is down to bad parenting and not a failure on her part.
The being needy and clingy is a sign of a neglected child starved for attention.

I thought it might be her being a difficult child until you mentioned she brought her younger brother who then ate a lot of food. The odds of two difficult children are very slim. And since the boy was not disruptive but hungry and eating like no tomorrow.

Then you said the parents found everything to be funny. That is not normal. Good parents would be concerned if their children were not getting along with other children.

By all means uninvite the girl, but I’m telling you the whole dynamic indicates she is being neglected by her parents and it will only further reinforce the feelings of being unlovable and an outcast that a neglected child already feels.

oldmum22 · 03/01/2020 09:40

Let the girl come to the party.
Have contact number for parents .
No sibling to remain .
Assign a "minder" to the girl.
Don't expect anything, either present or manners and you wont be disappointed.
Be a good role model for your child and for this girl .

You never know what goes on behind closed doors and if you are willing to be the first parent to give her a chance ,she may well surprise you .
Hope the party goes well .

BarbarAnna · 03/01/2020 09:44

I am confused:

‘She hasn’t been allowed at our family parties for years’

Is she family?

I feel sorry for this child. She is 11 and this has been going on years??? Not being invited to things?

My kids have never said thank you for an invite until they have actually attended the party. Is this a new requirement?

I think most posters are forgetting that this is about a child?

northernknickers · 03/01/2020 09:47

I'm confused as to how your DS was able to just give her an invitation without your knowledge as she was kicking off?

Surely the invitations were already written out, with names on them, so he could hand them out accurately at school?

I'm a primary teacher...and in 28 years, I have NEVER had a child bring in 'blank' invitations and just randomly hand them around 🤔 Are you saying, that in your case OP, you gave him a pile of blank invites and told him to just hand them out to whoever he felt like on the day in question? If so, then you're entirely to blame for this 🤷‍♀️

Strongmummy · 03/01/2020 09:51

Totally confused by this. You dislike a child, invite them, then want to know how to handle the situation?! You just get on with it don’t you?! Ask the parents to stay and help and remove her if she becomes a pain.

I’m future explain to your son that he doesn’t need to feel guilty for not liking someone

Howyiz · 03/01/2020 09:52

Do as @Canadianpancake and others have suggested. Your son does not want her there, you do not want her there, so don't have her there.
No one is obliged to let someone treat them badly regardless of whether they are an adult or a child. Teach your child that they are entitled to stick up for themselves.

wonkylegs · 03/01/2020 09:53

@northernknickers
11yo could easily be a yr 7 child so already at secondary - invitation etiquette is quite different to that at primary

windycuntryside · 03/01/2020 09:58

Firstly speak to your ds about peer pressure and guilt tripping, he should not be “persuaded” to do something he doesn’t want.
Secondly, as pp have said, assign an adult to watch her like a hawk and be ready to act as appropriate to keep in from being too “sprited” aka a PITA.

MinTheMinx · 03/01/2020 10:05

Her bad behaviour will almost certainly be caused by neglectful parenting. She might very well be short of friends and regularly excluded from parties, so why not give her the benefit of the doubt and look for the good in her? It'll be there somewhere if she's shown a bit of kindness.

Are you able to assign a patient adult to supervise her? It's so sad that children get written off by everyone around them when their parents have made it so clear that they don't care about them.

northernknickers · 03/01/2020 10:12

@wonkylegs ahhh possibly! I assumed primary as the OP spoke about the last party they both attended having party bags...which would be very ‘uncool’ at high school. But I guess this could have happened some time ago. None of the Year 6 children at my school still have this kind of ‘birthday party’ to be honest. They seem to be so much more ‘mature’ now (which I find sad, but I know times have changed and accept this as just one of those things 😊) They just go off to the cinema with a couple of their friends, or to laser quest or somewhere like that...RiP Pin the tail on the donkey and Jelly and ice cream 😂

SandyY2K · 03/01/2020 10:19

Make sure you have her parents contact number, so they can collect her if she causes trouble.

I'd also have words with all the children at the beginning of the party telling them you want them to all have a great time, but they need to be good, or they'll be going home. Hopefully she'll pay heed.

TeddybearBaby · 03/01/2020 10:19

@northernknickers my daughter is in year 6. The parties for the girls turning 11 have so far been discos with party bags and hot dogs / dancing and piñata’s. They do still exist thank god. Although the are all dressed like mini adults I have to admit! Hate how they grow up so quickly now.

GoldfishRampage · 03/01/2020 10:20

Bit of a roomy error to hand out invites so that other kids know they are being handed out. By that age it should be possible to hand out invites discreetly.
I’d let her come but not allow any siblings and I’d keep an eye on her.

misspiggy19 · 03/01/2020 10:23

If she's that bad I would text parents and explain that ds invited her without you know if and you are very sorry but it's strictly limited numbers that have already been confirmed with the venue and caterer so unfortunately she can't come.

^This. You do realise she will ruin your sons party if you allow her to come.