To not want her at the party

[Ifonly86]

AIBU to think a child that demands a party invitation then doesn’t say thank you for the invite shouldn’t come?
Completely prepared to be told IABU but I would expect better manners from an 11 year old. DS doesn’t particularly like said child but he felt guilty at leaving her out despite her public mega tantrum at not being initially invited due to numbers.
This girl is known for being a trouble maker and I’m concerned she will cause damage and I will lose the deposit or she will spoil it for DS somehow. The last party they both attended, she made it about her and wouldn’t let the birthday girl speak to any other friends then took the party bag and left without saying thank you or bye. Her parents brought her sibling without asking and let him eat a lot of the food and didn’t bring a gift (I know not to be expected but still the done thing). She is very needy and clingy and regularly has tantrums if a child doesn’t spend their entire day with her. There are no underlying issues, her parents find it funny and enable this. They are also rude and entitled.
I know I can’t uninvite her or make an excuse so close to the party despite praying she doesn’t show as some of her friends are coming who will be talking about it and a relative of hers is my ndn so we wouldn’t get away with it. Feeling bitter about the whole situation, how can I handle this?

Sorry, just read that it was your DS who invited her. In that case, contact the parents and say she was given an invitation by mistake and you were already over numbers.

And have a word with your DS about being more assertive!

Cancel the party, so all invites are dead. Then re-schedule and exclude her. Ignore the tantrum and go on with your life.

As others have said. Rescind the invitation and tell her parents she bullied an invitation out of your DS and you are withdrawing it.

Do you have an extra adult on hand? If so, just put them on "watching her" duty. I run a Brownie unit and if we're doing an activity some of the girls may find behaviourally difficult, we just assign them the extra person.
If she does misbehave, give her a warning, if she continues she sits out and you call the parent to collect her.

Well, she sounds ‘spirited’. . Tbf, her parents sound problematic pisstakers so the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree. I’s be inclined to tell them there has been a misunderstanding and it’s strictly limited numbers, sorreeeee.

But as for this

then doesn’t say thank you for the invite shouldn’t come?

You’re reaching, OP.

Given the situation, I think you have to contact the parents and say sorry, DS felt pressured to give her the invitation but just don't have the space as numbers are limited. I assume she wasn't the only one in the class not invited?

Problem is, if her parents are that bad they might turn up anyway. If so and she misbehaves, make her be picked up early.

Is it your son's party?.
He invited her out of kindness. Let her come!

My mum did something similar to me when I was a kid ( I invited, she uninvited).
I lost friends, and to this day I feel bad.

You have to let her come, as rescinding invites is just awful and may reinforce bad behaviour at school. Don’t know what venue it’s at, but would Move anything valuable in close proximity (like you might for toddlers...) and then have an informal minder. Be relaxed when she arrives, but as soon as bad behaviour gets a warning. Second time = time out and call to parents (who will probably have phone switched off)

She only got the invite due to shite behaviour so you absolutely can withdraw it

Do as others above suggested, rescind the invitation.

Sounds like her behaviour is awful because of her parenting. There might be a really nice kid hiding away in there. Can you give her things to organise to keep her busy?

Definitely have the parents' number so she can be picked up if she's disruptive.

Definitely let your son know it's totally ok to only invite real friends in future.

Either rescind the invite as mentioned above, or:

Make sure you have someone on the door to ensure sibling isn’t dropped off too and have someone shadow her so she can’t monopolise the party and break things.

At the first sign of a tantrum call the parents to collect although I fear their phone may be off.

I agree with others, you can’t now take the invitation away. Look at it another way, your son did a kind thing.
You need to allocate an adult to shadow her, and pick her up on anything she is doing wrong, hopefully that will make her realise she is being watched and she won’t go too far. Good luck.

I'm surprised at 11 year olds having a party type party.

I’m curious how you know so much about this child?

You say “no underlying issues”

So you’re close enough to the parents to be having this kind of conversation?

you need to allocate her a minder and make sure that any damage done is paid for.

Ask her parents if they have 3rd party insurance for such things (not sure how it is in the UK but in Germany everyone has it for just such an occasion).

And you and your son need to learn how to withstand such pressure in future.

I agree with the others in the thread who have said to call the parents and cancel the invite saying there isn't capacity. If they are rude in response, do you really care?

Why an earth knowing all this did you get talked into inviting her ?

I would have said no straight away. X

Could you ask your NDN - a relative of the girl - to ride shotgun at the party?

I wouldn’t rescind. I’d have strong words with my own child about how to deal with emotional blackmail and peer pressure.

I’d text or call the parents to say you can’t accommodate siblings.

I’d have a quiet word with the child at the beginning of the party to say we’re all here to have a nice time so you don’t want to see her damaging anything or putting her hands on anyone. Then say ‘Now go and have a nice time dear’. And watch her like a hawk.

Actually, I really would uninvite as she was only invited under duress. I imagine both her and the parents will be annoyed with you so be prepared to be the bad guy, but take it on the chin.
Normally I'm a stickler for manners but being polite and trying not to cause offense when they haven't behaved in a decent way in the past and at the expense of your DS party doesn't seem worth it. Unpleasant situation, awkward and not an ideal response but don't give yourself the extra stress trying to accommodate these people. Your DS made a mistake under pressure, don't let his whole party be ruined because of it.

Absolutely have a contact number for her parents and at the first hint of trouble call them. And as PP said, a quiet word at the start of the party might be all it takes ..... Good luck.

Have a word with her parents and explain exactly what she did - i.e. threw a huge tantrum until your son invited her. Despite this you are not going to rescind the invitation but that if they intend to bring her then you do expect one of them to stay at the party to supervise her. Any hint of bad behaviour, tantrums or damaging things and she will need to be taken home straightaway.

If they refuse then tell them that it leaves you no choice but to rescind the invite.

Agree with PP who say you should apologise for your DS having issued an invitation (not an invite!), and say he hadn't realised there was a limit on numbers. It's clear and polite.

I also agree with you that I would expect an 11 year old to be able to say thank you (though that isn't the real problem here).