To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

[CSalts]

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

@Jaichangecentfoisdenom
With any luck (or lack of) the man would be off to war somewhere, or die of some infection.
The alternative would be food poisoning or sudden death during his sleep.

I agree marriages need work and effort, but if she’s no longer in love with him, and deeply unhappy, surely staying just because she ‘should’ as that what marriage means isn’t enough?

If she's not happy with her life it's easy to blame the husband/wife when maybe it's just her being bored and feeling stuck in a rut. I'd encourage her to work on herself first, start a new hobby, change jobs, do an open university course etc. I've been with my hubby for 10 years, married for 1.5 years. When I've started feeling bored I've started doing something new for myself to get new energy into my life, pilates, yoga etc. I feel better about myself and husband is impressed that I'm investing in myself. On another note, the first year of marriage is always the hardest anyway.

I think you are getting an unnecessarily hard time OP.

You are not saying she should have to stay with him even if she is unhappy, just that she should think carefully, and consider what she has and the commitment she made before walking away.

That sounds like sensible advice to me.

If after that she is very sure this is not the life she wants, she should leave before children are involved. It's the children that means a commitment is really life long, to co parent at least, and other's welfare is involved, which is why I don't understand the children first then marriage, pattern that is commonplace now. Seems wrong way round to me.

At least your DD is going to make this decision before children are involved.

They don’t have something special, your daughter isn’t happy. I would guess she’s been feeling that way for a long time before speaking to you about it.

I changed a lot between the ages of 25&30 and friends have said the same. Maybe your daughter has just grown apart from your SIL.

You appear to wish nothing more than someone who doesn’t hit her and doesn’t cheat. I want a far more fulfilling life for my children than that!

Support her, if it turns out to be a mistake then it’s her mistake. I don’t know a single person that has divorced and then regretted it, although I’m sure they’ll be others that do. I don’t think it’s a decision the majority take lightly.

Me and DH don't believe in divorce and agreed that if ever we split up we would not divorce.

Why not?

The family can all see that what DD and SIL have is very special.

What is special about a relationship where one spouse has so little respect for the other that they can't be arsed to clean their own mess?

I'm wondering if OP is married to a similarly lazy and forgetful manchild and feels on some level that her DD's desire to divorce is in some way a criticism of her own marriage.

How sad many posters do not believe a marriage is for life, to be worked in through the good and the bad. Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority.

Someone should tell that to the SIL. There's two people in a marriage and both of them need to put some effort in to make it work.

BTW, divorce exists, even if you don't believe in it.

How do people know how they should be feeling before a wedding, though? Nerves are common, it's a big step. The process can be very fraught and stressful, so it can be easy to put problems down to that. How do you say no to a proposal you're not really sure about, especially if people know he has or is going to propose? How do you tell family who have now all shoved their oar in over the wedding that you're not sure it should happen? How do you tell real reservations from routine jitters? Was the OP in there before the wedding giving her DD advice on how serious a commitment marriage was and was she sure she was ready to make it, did she have any doubts she needed to talk about? Or is marriage only a very serious commitment you have the right to give your opinion on when someone wants to leave one and not enter it?

I absolutely understand how people end up swept up in the process and don't know how to stop it, especially since so many people minimise and invalidate their feelings. It's bloody hard to know what your needs really are and what a long-term marriage needs as ingredients to thrive, even when you're a lot older than 18.

Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority.

Are we supposed to live solely for other people's happiness? I tried that. I'm on antidepressants now after a total collapse of my mental health.

Why would anyone who finds divorce upsetting do it more than once?

Well because they divorced and then thought they had found the one but were wrong? It isnt a particularly difficult concept. Once people get to about 4 I start to wonder why they keep on bothering but it's their life ultimately not mine.

My mother's main concern (when i told her i was leaving my unhappy marriage) was that we'd just got a new kitchen

@Lweji

Me and DH don't believe in divorce and agreed that if ever we split up we would not divorce.

Sure. And then one of you will meet someone else and you'll find divorce is very believable.

Op does your dh leave all the wifework to you?

MaybeDD has read this book and sees a life of domestic drudgery ahead with this man child?

I don't think you deserve the roasting you've had, OP.

You gave your DD your honest and first reaction, and I don't think you were harsh or wrong. You're right that the grass isn't always greener and it could be she's blaming the marriage for being unhappy, when it's something else she needs to work on. I think it'd be worse advice to say 'yes get divorced ASAP!'

But your DD does need to know you're there for her no matter what she decides, and it really could be that the marriage is soul destroying, SIL is likely very different to how he presents himself when you're there, and she needs her mum to be on her side.

Just be on her side, despite how you feel, otherwise your relationship may suffer. Even if it is a mistake, she has every right to make it. And if not, you're still supporting her through a traumatic time and she will need support and love.

I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

But not desperate enough to carry the mental load around the house?

They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

Properties can be split, children are harder. Having children with a man who is already "forgetful and messy" around the house is a bad idea. And if that is being a "typical man" then your own expectations of men can't be very high.

The family can all see that what DD and SIL have is very special.

You didn't marry him. What you and the rest of the family have with him may be very special, but according to you what your DD has is a "typical man" and there are "men far worse out there" which hardly makes him special in any way at all, that's about the feeblest recommendation you could give any man.

Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end.

That may be why they got married in the first place. It is not a good reason for this marriage to continue.

I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

No-one says it is but at least it would be her grass not yours.

he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house

No, no, no. Sorry I know this isn't the main point of the post but statements like this infuriate me. He's not being a 'typical man', he's being lazy and untidy and not doing his bit. Having a penis doesn't give you a free pass to be lazy and leave all the housework and mental load to your partner. She's probably thinking if he's like this now then what will it be like when they have kids?!

Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end

So do you think she should stay in a marriage she's unhappy with just to avoid upsetting you all?

I do think that sometimes, all relationships need work and I know that for me, I'd want to know that I'd tried everything to make it work before ending it. But equally, if you're THAT unhappy then you shouldn't stay in a relationship to keep other people happy. Do you really want her to do that, at the expense of her own happiness?

I'd suggest counselling though. It will possibly help them work on the issues and find a way forward together - but if not, then it can help them to separate in a way that is as amicable as possible.

“I think you are getting an unnecessarily hard time OP.
You are not saying she should have to stay with him even if she is unhappy, just that she should think carefully, and consider what she has and the commitment she made before walking away.
That sounds like sensible advice to me”

I agree with this. And at the end of the day, if she still wants to end the marriage, just be there for her and tell her you love her and will support her because she is your child. There’s not much more you can do really, sad as it is. This is what I would say to my own daughter, as someone who ended my first marriage to their father after many years.

This "marriage is for life" thing is so wrong - the idea was established in the Middle Ages, at a time when a young woman would get married in her early teens, be having a child a year from the age of about 15 and would probably die in childbirth before she was 30

Not that it matters, but this is nonsense.

In the Middle Ages loads of women expected to marry multiple times, because men were quite likely to die betimes too.

Women weren't encouraged to have children at 15. It happened, but average age of consummating a marriage wasn't that young - probably late teens/early 20s.

It was possible to get a marriage annulled, and people did. Or just shacked up and de-shacked, depending on social status.

(Here ends irrelevant historical wittering.)

Talk about cherry picking the answers you like ignoring 99% of the thread! I think your attitude towards her is very patronising. There is nothing that you have given in this thread which suggests a whim but rather that she’s come to you after a lot of consideration.

You are entitled to your views but now you’ve had your say you need to be supportive .

I think it's awesome she is aware of all this now, before kids come along and she gets even more worn down.

It's also a shame your SIL is desperate to make things work now, but apparently couldn't be arsed to just do his share of the housework before... It's not "typical" for women to shoulder the burden of running a home for two adults anymore, not unless he is bringing the cash in for both of them and she's a lady of leisure?

Please don't encourage her to hang on to a man who doesn't pull his weight just because you like him. Back your dd up. If he's half the man you think he is, he'll get his act together. If not, trust that your dd knows him best and knows he is not right for her.

Your DD is unhappy. That is more than enough reason for her to end the marriage. They have been together a long time pre-wedding.

You don’t need to have infidelity or abuse to leave a marriage. Jesus fucking wept.

I sit corrected, SarahAndQuack - though I still understand that people did not live as long then, for whatever reason, as they do nowadays, making "marriage for life" a much shorter prospect, no?