To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

[CSalts]

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

Yep, send them to counselling.

I was desperate to be told I could let go of my awful relationship, it wasn't wrong or selfish to leave someone who made me so unhappy.

I tried my mom, she did what you did and although I love her deeply I am still so saddened that she didn't value me highly enough to put me first.

It was ok though, the counsellor spent one session with us, asked my husband to leave and told me 'its ok,you can stop now'.

Hopefully your daughter will get someone like that wonderful woman.

I feel no stigma of divorce, I am finally happy.
I am single, not looking for a fairytale just didn't want to live in a nightmare, I wanted my mom to want that for me too.

Really good luck to you OP, I hope you support the grown woman your daughter is now.

I do honestly think that people forget that when you may you make views and enter into a legal contract that should not be taken lightly. YADNBU. If you look at most of the world, marriages are not based on feelings at all. They are arrangements out in places to give a woman and her children protection and security as she is vulnerable as generally not the one earning. In the West we have ahollywood view of marriage and if your partner is less than perfect you moved on to the next one and then find that suprise surprise that are also imperfect, conveniently forgetting that as women, were can also be quite hard to live with on occasion. How many people on MN can testify to going through a tough patch, grouting your teeth and finding your marriage stronger at the end of it. This is a very old fashioned view but to me, love is an action and not a feeling and far more marriages would survive if we remembered that. I think as a mother, it is your duty to reply to her honestly about what you think, possibly with examples from your own life, and then to support her when she finally decides. It is not caring or living to just agree with her or see it as none of your business.

We decided to call time on our marriage; it was a move that astounded pretty much everyone given they had no idea it was on the cards. What happened was his parents and mine texted each party with:-

“We’re so sorry, we love you both. What can we do”.

OP I think you're right to encourage your daughter to at least try to save the marriage. Marriage counselling is a minimum before giving up.

So many PPs seem to think it's right to give up on a marriage if you go through a year or two of it being less than fulfilling or of not feeling in love. What happened to "for better for worse"?

I hope your DD decides to persevere with the marriage. She's lucky to have a mother willing to challenge her, even though I'm sure you'll also (rightly) support her through whatever she decides.

I would have suggested counselling but it’s nit wrong to point out vies are made for life and marriage should be worked at.

Ive seen too many get carried away with the whole big day and the vows seems almost an insignificant part and then reality kicks in.

Tread carefully. When i divorced (i had been married longer and 2 DC) my parents made it unbearable. I got shouted at, told to give clear reasons to justify it and both if them crying! I nearly to them fuck off for good. They never once asked how I or the DC were. They made it all about them and their feelings. It has affected my relationship with them to this day.

I understand your feelings on this. I dont think it was unreasonable to express your disappointment that your daughter wishes to separate so soon after marriage. However you should have then moved on to discussing the practicalities and making it clear that you would support her if she has really made up her mind on this.

Only 2 people know what goes on inside a marriage and it is better that she leaves now before there are children to consider. Yes she may find she regrets it later on - but that's her choice and perhaps her mistake to make, it's not your choice who she lives with. It's hard if you like your SIL but you have to support your own child.

I do honestly think that people forget that when you may you make views and enter into a legal contract that should not be taken lightly.

I very much agree but I suspect that the person who forgot this was the OP. I can't imagine her sitting with her DD 20 months ago and saying "this is the big one, it's your life, are you absolutely sure he is the right man for you, don't do this just to please us".

And despite having been absolutely fairly put in my place by SarahAndQuack, I will reiterate that the marriage vows "till death us do part" were established at a time when life expectancy was much shorter than it is now and I personally think it is unreasonable to expect every marriage to stay the course for more than a decade and a half, given how people change and develop and react to being parents nowadays.

I don't think yabu to tell her your opinion, she asked for it. You can also offer her advice which she can choose to act upon or ignore, if she wants advice. You can be there for here whatever she chooses to do, but you can't make her stay in a marriage that she's unhappy in just because it is what you would have done.

It sounds as though your DD has made her decision and wants your support as she navigates the divorce. TBH I think you gave her unwise advice. Your DD has had enough of caring for a manchild, and thankfully has recognised it before there are children to complicate matters. The best thing you can do is offer emotional and practical support.

I do honestly think that people forget that when you may you make views and enter into a legal contract that should not be taken lightly

The whole point of the legal contract is protection for if it ends!

Support. Your. Daughter.

That's a very bad attitude to have, OP. Married or not, your daughter should not stay in a relationship that is making her unhappy. And telling her "there are worse men" means nothing. So because he's not abusive or a serial killer, she should be happy with him? That's not how it works.

I get you're trying to look out for her, but this is the wrong stance to take. It's her marriage, not yours.

The family can all see that what DD and SIL have is very special.

No. You see a snapshot of their lives. What they show in social situations and amongst family could, and very likely is, very different to what goes on at home between the two of them. You aren't in their marriage, their bed, their home. You don't know.

She doesn't love him and wouldn't choose him now. This is NOT a "whim". She's fallen out of love and wants to move on. I can understand completely- I was with someone around approx same ages as your daughter. I wasn't married but we did share a life, a home. We had grown and changed so much there was nothing in common by the time we reached 30ish. What did my parents say? After initial surprise, they simply said if you're not happy, just leave, come home, we can sort everything out and will support you however we can. They trusted me saying "I'm done" even if from the outside we looked like the "perfect" couple.
That's what I would guess she wanted to hear from you and didn't get.

I reckon the mistake was the marriage, not the divorce. Some people get married to try and save a relationship they have outgrown - it doesn't usually end well.

Your DD is 27, not 17. She's made it clear there are things about her husband she can't live with - what you say as 'him being a bit messy and a typical man' is likely to be a teeth-gritting unbearable life for her, especially if they are both working and he is still not pulling his weight.

She should only try to save things if she wants to. Honestly, women can be their own worst enemy sometimes.... This reminds me of my mum, who when I told her I was divorcing my alcoholic husband suggested I should be 'a bit kinder to him, then maybe he wouldn't drink so much'. Amazingly enough I stayed polite to her.

They don't have children.
She doesn't love him and she's unhappy.

Why on earth would you encourage her to stay knowing she's got 50, 60, 70 years in front of her. would you really want her to spend it with someone she doesn't love, isn't happy with? And possibly add children to the scenario to boot? madness.

Support her. She came to you as her number one ally ... and you cut her off at the knees with your own priorities. Support her decision! Before children are in the mix!

So many PPs seem to think it's right to give up on a marriage if you go through a year or two of it being less than fulfilling or of not feeling in love. What happened to "for better for worse"?

It's better to end it before there are children. If the way they try to shore up an unsatisfactory marriage is to have children then that doesn't just hurt just them it damages the children too.

So many PPs seem to think it's right to give up on a marriage if you go through a year or two of it being less than fulfilling or of not feeling in love. What happened to "for better for worse"?

Its not a year or two. Its nine years. Better to split now if the marriage isn't happy. Worst to split after DC.

What happened to "for better for worse"?

When women - and men - realised they didn't have to put up with decades of misery and bullshit just to avoid upsetting the relatives.

OP "She is risking throwing it all away for excitement or a fairytale life which in reality doesn’t exist."

is she? Maybe she can just get rid of the manchild and his mental load work and have a nice life herself?

I appreciate that you want to tell her the truth. But I also appreciate that it must be a shock to her to find that her mother thinks she could work at a marriage where the bloke is so useless and she's unhappy.

also, what does SIL have to do with anything?! Sorry if I missed something obvious.

The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

That's a very good reason for her to want to end the marriage. They've been together 9 years. She's had 9 years of carrying the mental load and has had enough. How messy is messy? If she can't live in a mess and SIL isn't prepared to pull his weight that must be a real strain for her.

It's probably got to the stage where they've been thinking about having children and she's realized that she doesn't want to have children with HIM and wants to move on. Those types of thoughts can precipitate the end of a marriage.

I agree these are actually good reasons to end a marriage. I strongly suspect, OP, that you were given the milder version of the reasons why DD wants a divorce.

I didn't tell my parents everything, some of it was just too personal. I believe this may be the case here.

The family can all see that what DD and SIL have is very special. She is risking throwing it all away for excitement or a fairytale life which in reality doesn’t exist. I don’t think anyone can honestly say they are happy in their marriage 100% of the time.

Unless you've been living with them all the time, OP, you have no idea what their relationship is really like. The reasons your DD has so far given are major indicators that your SIL is a lazy manchild, leaving everything to your DD. Your description of him is hardly special. In fact, he sounds like the kind of manchild I tell my DD to stay away from.

A divorce now is better than your DD getting pregnant and living a miserable life with someone she doesn't love. It wouldn't be fair on any children, either.

And looking at the reality of it, I can tell you from bitter experience that having sex when you're in a relationship with someone you've fallen out of love with is just soul destroying. And that's not with all the other stuff going on, too.

Yes, this might be TMI, but OP, you are the one with rose tinted specs on here, wanting your DD to stay in an unhappy marriage for the convenience of two families. You need to understand the reality of the situation your DD is in and stop trying to put what you want onto your DD.

We don't believe in divorce because we believe marriage is for eternity. As neither of us would remarry there would be no point in divorcing.

As me and DH have been married 40 years and are very happy it is highly unlikely we would split up but, if we did, we definitely would not get divorced.

I wish at the same age before children I had been able to walk away. We've made a reasonable life of it, but we nearly split last year and needed counselling. We have two dc, one of which was conceived within the first year of marriage.

Honestly it's been a miserable 10 years, and I have stuck to it now because of the kids and we've made it work. But it will never be the love of my life, I know I would have been happier if I'd left at the beginning.

I did have a few niggles, but put it down to pre-wedding stress.