To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

[CSalts]

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

Better to get out now with no one else involved than wait and fuck up any children or other relationships.

Our son was with his girlfriend for 6 years and then they broke up out of the blue 18 months ago. I was shellshocked. BUT considering they had both got together when quite young [about 20], they had matured and then grew apart. Much better they split before the complication of children.
Support her OP.

Marriage is a serious commitment and to give up on it after only 18 months is sad and rather pathetic. I am a very strong believer in marriage though. Also, despite what some posters may say or think, divorce is still a big deal to a lot of people

Do you think people who divorce do so happily? Is it pathetic to know that something really doesn’t work for you even though making the changes will cause distress and upset to who knows how many people? Do you think that people who divorce don’t think about it beforehand and do so as a last, rather than first, resort?

What you rather for your own child? Miserable in a sham of a marriage or happily single?

The family can all see that what DD and SIL have is very special.
Except that you aren’t living her life and no one is there to see what is happening at home once everyone has left.
They are clearly good at putting up a front. It doesn’t mean that they are a great relationship.

I suspect the time to intervene and wonder if this was a good idea was BEFORE they got married. But I also suspect yourself and your SIL family were all too used to see them together. You’ve assumed they would be married, bought into the the whole childhood sweetheart thingy etc.... so no one saw the cracks (not even her)

The only reason your SIL is part of your family is because he was your DD's choice. That's not the case now so everything changes.

She has her own life to live, her own mistakes to make. Support her.

I think she's right, you're wrong, you have incredibly low standards and, at 27, she is quite young enough to find someone else (and to take her time doing it, if she so wishes).

if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage Jaw-dropping.

She doesn't love him. They're both likely to live for another 60 years. You want her to scarifice that lifetime for the sake of a relationship she'd grown out of by her mid-20s?

I take it that the above is a description of your marriage and/or those of your friends and that you cannot compute that younger people may, very reasonably, have higher self-esteem, higher standards and be in less of a hurry to 'settle' than you did and were. I pity you. But if you're taking the implied line that you suffered, so she must too, then I despise you and your woman-suppressing attitude.

I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

I'd love to know what he is doing to make it work. Somehow, I doubt he's taking more responsibility around the house.

I'd want to make sure that she's sure, but I agree with a pp, you seem to have low standards.

Se could be married to someone worse?

Jeez, she could also be married to someone a whole lot better!

When I got divorced I felt ashamed, that I'd let people down & he was bloody cheating on me.

I felt at times that people were hoping it would be forgiven & forgotten

This mindset of women putting up & shutting needs stopping!

They were together over 7 years before they married. She must have known whether she loved him and was happy or not. She decided to get married so how do things change so much in 18 months?

I also find it interesting that you aren’t thinking they have been together for 9 years so things have changed in that time. Instead you only concentrate on the length of the wedding (1.5 year).

Does it mean that, before they got married, the relationship wasn’t as serious in your eyes? Would you have said the same if your dd had said she wanted to separate 2 years ago, before she was married?

I have a friend who found herself in the same situation as your DD and her mother reacted much the same as you. Fortunately she left him anyway. It took many years for her relationship with her mother to recover

I'm afraid you've made a grave mistake OP.

I'd be willing to bet you wont admit as much though. To yourself or anyone else.

Your poor DD.

Except that you aren’t living her life and no one is there to see what is happening at home once everyone has left.

Exactly. No one can say what is going on in someone else’s marriage apart from the two people in it.

Op you are basing your advice on your feelings and perception not your dd’s.
It’s not your marriage, your relationship and in many ways not your business.
Be there for your dd whatever she decides but don’t try to influence her decision based on what you want.

so how do things change so much in 18 months?

Actually, they can change a lot. It's well known that some men (and I suppose some women) change quite a bit once they feel they are secure in their relationships, and not for the better. Very common after the wedding, and after children.

In the minority I think from a quick glance down replies but I agree with you. People give up on marriage far too easily imo. And MN are always so quick to say leave so probably not the best people to ask really

You are getting caught up in the sunk cost fallacy. Good on your dd for calling time on her marriage before she has children. This way she and her husband can have a clean break. www.thecut.com/2016/12/why-people-stay-in-unhappy-relationships.html

@lynsey91, maybe the dd buried her concerns when she was planning the wedding (under her own excitement and the one of BOTH families, so happy to be joined together like this...).
Maybe her DH changed and became a proper 1950 man expecting her to pick up after him. Wedding seems to change the way people behave unfortunately
Maybe she wrongly believed that being married wouod solve the nagging feelings she had.

Who knows. But the thing is she isn’t happy now.

This "marriage is for life" thing is so wrong - the idea was established in the Middle Ages, at a time when a young woman would get married in her early teens, be having a child a year from the age of about 15 and would probably die in childbirth before she was 30, at which point her widower would marry another young model to take care of his children and then breed some more. The cycle would continue and the man would reach quite a ripe old age whilst the women would die young! This is totally irrelevant to most people's lives in this day and age, marriage "until death do you part" was not expected to be for 60 years! Life expectancy and circumstances have changed and people who don't take this into account are expecting too much of themselves and those around them, I think.

You sound like my parents. When I told them I was getting divorced my dad lectured me to kingdom come about how silly I was, how he personally could see what a lovely marriage we had, how he knew best. When I refused to listen he decided I must be mentally unstable.

I didn't speak to him for several months, and TBH it is one of (many) things that make me feel quite hostile towards him.

Oh, and I had perfectly good reasons to get divorced, not all of which I felt able to share with my parents at the time. So cut your DD some slack.

I have to be honest: I am extremely glad you’re not my mum.

You are essentially putting propriety and your needs and outdated views over your daughter’s needs.

Your argument appears to be that she should stay with him even though she clearly doesn’t love him because he’s the best of a bad lot. “Typical man” is basically code for “I have low standards and I think others who don’t are a bit jumped up”.

You would do well to consider that it has probably taken her months of agonising to get to the point of trusting you enough to raise it. She will now feel betrayed by you and without support.

I don’t know what your daughter’s marriage is like and I can’t know whether she is being fickle or is genuinely unhappy.

But I do know that you will regret putting social approval before her happiness.

@Sotiredofthislife Obviously some people are unhappy about divorcing but plenty are not.

Why would anyone who finds divorce upsetting do it more than once? I know quite a few people who have been divorced more than once. A couple have been divorced 4 times and 2 have been divorced 6 times!

Me and DH don't believe in divorce and agreed that if ever we split up we would not divorce.

I expect family expectation & pressure was contributory to her not realising they weren’t actually compatible & just getting married because it was the next step.

Stop putting pressure on her to stay with a man that’s making her unhappy just so it doesn't disturb everyone’s social life.

Your comment about him being an typical man’ speaks volumes about what you expect her to out up with in a marriage. She’s allowed to want mire than to settle for a nan who ‘could be much worse’

You need to look at why you would rather your daughter was unhappy with him than find someone who makes her happy.

I'd love to know what he is doing to make it work. Somehow, I doubt he's taking more responsibility around the house.

Indeed.

Perhaps consider what you would want from your Mum in that situation. Then do that...?