To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

[CSalts]

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

Flabbergasted by how low some women set the marriage bar - if he doesn't hit you or shag your BF, you must stay married.

You sound just like my Mum, I wanted to get divorced and it was all about her feelings and what people would think after only a year. You have no idea what’s going on in their relationship. She was also far more bothered about my ex husbands feelings than mine.

What you should have said and what your DD will have been longing to hear is

“I understand this is your decision and one you won’t take lightly, my advice is to make sure you try everything possible so you don’t regret anything later. I will of course support you unconditionally whatever happens”

@Waxonwaxoff0

I’m just saying I'm glad I experienced a truly bad relationship because it made me tolerate life’s petty arguments more, every couple has boring times, indifferent times and petty bickering...if I didn’t have perspective I might have wanted everything to be perfect all the time, but I tolerate the not so great times now because I know what a truly bad relationship is like...and I work hard to see the good whereas before I think I would have just moaned about everything...I can only say how it’s changed me

I would also check all is well, OP. I’ve had a couple of friends marry after quite a while living together and suddenly after marriage, true colours get revealed e.g. man thinking woman’s career is inferior etc. There’s a type of person who thinks they’ve permanently trapped someone after marriage. There might be more than she is telling you, though if your bar is low, you might not care.

OP, you may find it worth while looking at the Relationships board. It's well known that marriage and pregnancy are prime times when people's true colours start showing, no matter how long the couple have been together.

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage
(he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house).

Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
This is one of the saddest things I've read in a while. Is this how low the bar is set now? A man is a great husband if he doesn't beat you or sleep about and that's it. You should be discouraging
lazy, childish flipping behaviour in men rather than deeming it acceptable ffs.

Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end.

With respect, this is irrevent and isn't about you.

The family can all see that what DD and SIL have is very special.

You only see what they show you. Clearly you don't see everything as you are shocked she's come to you with this news.

she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down.

Is it better to live another 50 sad monotonous years to not disrupt the status quo?

OP, would you be saying all these things about how dedicated she should be to her marriage if you weren't keen on SIL? Sounds like the overriding opinion you put across to her is that you like him so she's being unreasonable wanting a divorce. You're not the one married him.

If she does get divorced she is going to need a lot more support than what she currently has.

Your daughter is in an unhappy marriage. She married him 18 months ago. Perhaps she felt from both sides it's time you got married. She might have had felt they should not have got married or perhaps she felt once she got married her husband would act like an adult.
I know men in their late 20's/early 30's and they can be very immiture who expect their partners to take over mammy's job.
Perhaps she is sick of him doing nothing, taking no responsibility or being bad with money when she is trying to save. Perhaps she wants a family but has realised that he is a man child who refuses to grow up. None of us know what goes on behind closed doors.
Rather than tell her her husband is great, all men are a bit lazy and she lucky he is not beating her up

You should have offered her support. You could have encouraged her to attend marriage counseling. I feel your more worried about the fall of with you sil and his family than the fact she is unhappy. Are you worried about what the neighbors,your friends and family will say when they find this out?
I have seen people getting married when they should not have because everyone expects them to. I know woman who grew up and men who still act like teenagers. Once kids arrive these woman end up carrying it all.
So you want your daughter to stay married to a man child. What happens if she has a child or children with him?
In the years to come she will remember how you reacted and what you said to her. You need to put your own feelings aside and help her move on.

Typical man?
Well, thank goodness she’s broken away in her expectations from your nonsense

Your advice could have been, “tell him to buck his bloody ideas up if he’s that upset about you ending it”.

Your “advice” was shit.

Methinks OP is never coming back as she didn't get the "well done, quite right" applause she was expecting from MN

Like others I'd suggest relate. I found it useful in helping me decide if I wanted to stay in my marriage. We had seperate counselling then couples. It let me explore my feelings and was very much geared towards helping me decide what was right for me

Support your daughter

I've only read OP.

Based on that, I'd suggest to be neutral. My DM loves to counsel me on my marriage. She divorced my dad for perfectly logical reasons (he's a nightmare to live with and 'look after', she had a professional career and didn't need someone else to look after) but now I am unable to confide anything to her about my own marriage because she clearly has regrets decades later. I clearly recall her telling me as a child how inept my dad was but if I say anything similar about my DH I'm told I should be patient or whatever.

(fwiw I love DH, and everyone mentioned in this story. I'm questioning nothing, just my ability to be able to talk to my mum about something and have a sympathetic ear!)

A bigger mistake would be to stay in an unhappy marriage she sounds as if she is clear about how she feels and if not doing this on a whim the fact that your two families will be upset is not her concern things happen people change epically from 18 to 27 she was a teenager when she met him she is a grown woman now if she says she may well grow to resent, dislike or even blame him for her unhappiness life is too short to waste it with someone you do not love. I tried to make a relationship work as we had a wedding planned but I found my self blaming him for my unhappiness we parted on bad terms in the end and I do regret that!

*is
*especially

A few threads recently have shown how stupidly low the bar is for men and just life in general.

At least he doesn't beat you.
At least he's no cheating.

Being half a decent human being must be enough?

Ffs.

YABU for not supporting your daughter and encouraging her to stay in an unhappy marriage just because there are worse people out there who cares what both families think? Not your marriage.

He is messy but at least he doesn’t beat you and/or doesn’t drink.

Wow, 19th century matrimonial standards are back.

Reading the OPs post, I wonder how much of the wedding was the families’ pressure for their offspring to get married considering they get along so well. Who was driving the preparations and making decisions and creating all the hype.
Chances are, the daughter may have been getting cold feet then but she got swept in the whole excitement and probably listened to as much as the OP demonstrated it in her post.

OP, what you managed to achieve was to give your daughter a sign that her voice and opinions are irrelevant because your own social life takes precedence. And that unless she shows up with bruises, she should go back and play the nice little wife, picking up her dear hubby’s dirty socks and plates and be grateful he doesn’t kick her for being too slow at that.

@CSalts

I don’t think I’m a bad parent. All I want and have ever wanted is for DD to be happy, she is my priority.

I don't think anyone has insinuated that you are - they've just suggested that if DD IS your priority, you should have proffered a more supportive view rather than telling her that your entire plans to continue playing Happy Families will be annihilated by her decision to leave her DH.

My concern is whether ending her long term relationship and marriage is really the answer.

Why is this your concern? If your DD, your priority, has decided she has fallen out of love with her DH and that they've grown apart / no longer got things in common, why does your concern about her doing what she wants to do, trump her feelings of concern about a dead in the water marriage?

Often you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

Yes I agree, and you'll really miss DD (your priority) when she realises that you don't have her best interests at heart, and instead want to keep up appearances amongst your social circle.

The family can all see that what DD and SIL have is very special.

I have had to sit on my hands for this comment. You know absolutely NOTHING about what goes on behind closed doors. Believe me, I've been through the mill with my "oh so charming" XH. Behind closed doors he was a monster and my family never checked in, and they never knew. For a decade.

She is risking throwing it all away for excitement or a fairytale life which in reality doesn’t exist.

How do you know? Just because you are basing her marriage and her future on your own experience doesn't make you the expert does it?

I don’t think anyone can honestly say they are happy in their marriage 100% of the time.

Projection much? Have you ever wanted to leave your marriage but couldn't / wouldn't / shouldn't because of outside pressures from your family / wider family? The feeling of letting down The Institution? Becoming a statistic?

I hope you've backtracked massively and already phoned / revisited and now given your daughter the support she needs.

The whole "there's no commitment these days" that people have trotted out on here is also not supported by those inconvenient things, facts.

The divorce rate is currently at its lowest since 1971, and has been dropping continuously since 1993, in fact. Most people instigating a divorce are in their 40s

Op, have you got back in touch with your DD yet to apologise for your response and offer her your unequivocal support? Please do. Her happiness should be the uppermost thought in your mind at this time.

What if she is so unhappy with her husband and feels now that she must stay for your sake? What if she decided that she just couldn't go on being unhappy with him but couldn't divorce him either - what would the alternative be?

You need to really think hard about how this unhappy situation could be affecting your DD's mental health.

I don’t see commitment as immediately ending when a marriage does.

Ex-H and I were committed to each other when we were married, now we are committed as co-parents and friends.

The divorce rate is currently at its lowest since 1971, and has been dropping continuously since 1993, in fact

Most people don’t bother getting married any more - and apparently there’s a huge backlog in processing divorces which skews the figures.

There's also a huge trend in people in their 60s and 70s getting divorced. People who married too young, to the wrong person but stayed together for the children. Or who have simply grown apart over the years.

My impression is also that affairs used to be far more normal and socially accepted. Precisely because people married too young, grew apart but stayed together for the sake of convention and appearances.

So, seems she has felt like this for over 12 months at least, I wouldn’t say it’s a whim.

I was your daughter. I got married too young. My ex is a great man. Really lovely, but it just wasn't working. We are still friends. Still keep in contact with each others families. He is happily re-married to a lovely lady and has 2 wonderful children. I'm happily single (by choice).

Life is too short to be in an unhappy marriage.