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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

492 replies

CSalts · 02/01/2020 15:29

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

OP posts:

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 02/01/2020 20:33

It's not "very special", if one out of two partners, i.e. 50% of people in the relationship, don't want to be in it!

It may look great to outsiders, but that's evidently just social skills and acting.

AutumnRose1 · 02/01/2020 20:34

I would also check all is well, OP. I’ve had a couple of friends marry after quite a while living together and suddenly after marriage, true colours get revealed e.g. man thinking woman’s career is inferior etc. There’s a type of person who thinks they’ve permanently trapped someone after marriage. There might be more than she is telling you, though if your bar is low, you might not care.

altiara · 02/01/2020 21:02

OP your post comes across as i don’t want you to get divorced as i like my life as it is.

It is likely that knowing that the family are so happy together it pushed the wedding through as a family social event rather than celebrating the start of a marriage. Either way, better to divorce now than later and a good decision I’d say as you won’t be getting grandchildren as a man child is not sexy. It is a shame that you’re not more supportive of her standing up for her future.

If it was the other way around, then I’d still think better to get divorced before DC involved or one or other start having an affair.

TwentyViginti · 02/01/2020 21:30

To all the history scholars here - wasn't there a married girl of 12/13 who gave birth to one of our kings? I seem to remember 12 was considered the earliest age to consummate a marriage?

PerkyPomPoms · 02/01/2020 21:34

Sounds like she’s tired of doing all the mental work in the relationship as well as cleaning up after a manchild. That’s a good enough reason to divorce.

RoseGoldEagle · 02/01/2020 21:35

She’s 27. I know she asked for your advice, but honestly at 27 she knows what she wants, and she just needs your support. Think of all those Facebook ‘start and end of the decade’ posts that have being doing the rounds- in 10 years when she’s 37 she could have easily met someone else and have several children with them (if that’s what she wants!) and be very very happy. Or of course she could be single and still equally happy. Or do you know what, she could be single and regretting her decision. But it’s almost a certainty that if she stays, she’ll be miserable, maybe with children, wondering where those years have gone.

SarahAndQuack · 02/01/2020 21:35

Yes, Margaret Beaufort gave birth to Henry VII.

It is thought that the reason she never conceived again was because the birth injured her so badly. Consummating a marriage at that age was very much frowned upon, for exactly that reason.

In canon law, girls could be married at 12. But that did not mean anyone thought it was a good idea - just as, today, you can allow a 16-year-old to marry, but most people don't think you should.

In practice, what was common was for upper-class girls (and boys) to be 'married' in legal terms (or betrothed) at a relatively early age. The formal contract wouldn't mean much, and these child brides and husbands would only be allowed to consummate their marriages much later on.

JacquesHammer · 02/01/2020 21:36

To all the history scholars here - wasn't there a married girl of 12/13 who gave birth to one of our kings? I seem to remember 12 was considered the earliest age to consummate a marriage?

Margaret Beaufort was 12 when she married and a 13 year old widow when she gave birth to the baby who would become Henry VII

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 02/01/2020 21:36

Elizabeth Beaufort, Henry VII's mother. It was judged at the time, and afterwards, people basically said "I told you so", because it was a bad labour and she never had another child despite attempts to do so. She and others at the time attributed her secondary infertility due to having had Henry VII too young, and across Europe, the aristocracy and other royal families took note of that.

Forgotmyfrosties · 02/01/2020 21:40

I agree with you OP, it’s a shame she didn’t meet some other men to put her DH in perspective, I had a terrible relationship before DH and I’ve always felt he’s a godsend...but if I’d met him first I might have found him ‘boring’...she may need to learn this lesson herself. A ‘friend’ had an affair as she married her childhood sweetheart and was bored...she really thought she found true love, left her two kids and DH for this guy, he broke up with her after 6 months and moved onto another woman. She lost everything. I doubt it would have happened if she’ met that type of philanderer first, she would have smartened up and developed an eye for users...

JacquesHammer · 02/01/2020 21:41

it’s a shame she didn’t meet some other men to put her DH in perspective

Christ some people have a low bar “it’s a shame she didn’t meet an abusive dick, just so she could appreciate someone she doesn’t love more”.

TwentyViginti · 02/01/2020 21:42

Ah yes! thanks to all for jogging my memory! I recall the fact she did remarry but had no further children.

MintyMabel · 02/01/2020 21:42

Let her make her own decision and support her in that.

You seem more concerned about what people will think than how your daughter feels.

Lweji · 02/01/2020 21:48

There's boring and there's can't be arsed to do his bit at home.
I can live with the first, but refuse the second.

TwentyViginti · 02/01/2020 21:52

A messy manchild is draining to live with. It does seem that OP is more concerned about keeping in with the inlaws than her DD's happiness.

HerRoyalNotness · 02/01/2020 21:57

(Just based on OP) You gave her some very sound advice. Parents are allowed to advise their children, the child doesn’t have to listen of course, and she will decide what to do herself. She doesn’t need your approval but you were not wrong in the advice you gave

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/01/2020 22:00

How sad many posters do not believe a marriage is for life, to be worked in through the good and the bad. Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority.

My DM believed this. It cost her 27 years of her life, and her corresponding belief that she was doing the best thing for her children by not letting them come from a 'broken' home caused one hell of a lot of misery, not just for one person, but three.

There are more ways than one in which homes/lives can be broken as my family have discovered to our detriment. Our mother did the worst thing from the best of intentions. She'd have been better off leaving him when we were in our infancy. And as she died young, I'd also have derived some comfort had she occasionally prioritzed her own happiness and had some joy in her life.

I was in the OP's DD's situation at about the same age, and I also learned a thing or two from my mother's mistakes. I'm grateful that she was a lot more supportive.

MiniGuinness · 02/01/2020 22:03

I think they probably did meet too young. I had a lovely boyfriend at 18, wouldn’t be right for me now though. People grow up and grow apart, I would be disappointed if my daughter felt she had to just ‘settle’. Life is far too exciting.

BlueSkies2020 · 02/01/2020 22:07

She should end it now before she has children. Or before she runs out of time to have children with someone else (if that’s what she wants of course). She sounds brave as staying in her situation would be the easiest thing to do. She must really feel that she has made a mistake and her feelings are not going to change.

ethelredonagoodday · 02/01/2020 22:25

I don't really get the whole, there's no commitment these days comments. I'm in my 40's and about half my friend's parents, and my own parents, are long term divorced. Yet in my peer group, I know about 3 couples out of our whole social circle who are separated!?

On the OP, I think you should support your daughter, regardless of whether you think he's a lovely son in law. Id imagine there will be issues beyond what she's told you and this has been building for a while. My best friend was in a very similar situation a long time ago, used to cry on my shoulder before she got married about how unhappy she was, and yet when she confided in her mother in the run up to the wedding, she told her, he was a 'lovely man', and it was normal pre wedding nerves. That marriage lasted a year, and after the enormous fancy wedding, encouraged by the mother, when she eventually plucked up courage to call it a day, her DM was also very upset at the impact on the families... 🤔🤔🤔

FeigningHorror · 02/01/2020 22:27

DH and I met when we were nineteen, and are still happily together in our mid-40s — but all this means is that I recognise how rare this is. Most teenage decisions don’t have such longevity, and I think it’s fine to acknowledge that.

It’s also ok, obviously, for you to be personally sad, OP, but stop giving your daughter the message that your liking for socialising with your SIL’s family, and your low standards for male/female division of labour in domestic gruntwork, are more important than her happiness.

ethelredonagoodday · 02/01/2020 22:37

*friends'

RuffleCrow · 02/01/2020 22:44

Just be there for your daughter. There's probably a lot you don't know and that she's not ready to tell you.

People can end a marriage for any reason. Even if it is just falling out of love - that's good enough. Surely your daughter's future happiness is the only thing that matters to you? You can't honestly want her to waste away her best years in a relationship where she's unhappy?! Apart from the piece of paper, a marriage is just like any other relationship - it's over when one or both of the participants no longer wants to be in it. Respect your adult daughter's choices.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/01/2020 22:45

@Forgotmyfrosties so, she should settle for someone she's not happy with just because he's not horrible or abusive?

What low standards.

paranoidmum2 · 02/01/2020 22:48

SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end.

How much is this about you not wanting to lose your social life with his family, OP? Why do you think the feelings of the families are important?

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