To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

[CSalts]

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

@AutumnRose1 SIL = Son In Law, ie DD's DH.

I’m not sure what’s ‘very special’ about being married to a man you don’t love who doesn’t pull his weight. Sounds like an average bog standard unhappy marriage to me.

What is it that you think is so ‘special’?

Is there a little bit of you worrying about the effect it'll have on you spending Christmas and birthdays etc with his family?

I hope she feels supported.

Multi I need the biggest DOH emoji ever, thank you.

I always thought the ''death do us part'' thing was aimed largely at freeing men to re-marry in the eyes of the church if and (more likely) when his wife died in childbirth.

It’s interesting that on this site men who end marriages are selfish and women who end marriages need support.

I don't agree with your advice but it is your opinion nonetheless and you are entitled to it. Furthermore, your daughter actually asked for it. She has her own mind and will ultimately, hopefully, do what is right for her.

Yanbu. She doesn't love him. Nowhere to go from there is there.
Although she did ask your opinion I would be disappointed in your response if I were her.

I think your advice is very old-fashioned and you need to think more about your DD and how she feels than about how it impacts on Christmas and birthday celebrations!

She made her bed.
You didn't solve her problem/rescue her but life is hard and she's an adult.
If she doesn't want to be with him, she needs to tell him.
But that's many years that he's dedicated to her as much as she, him.
I would suggest she goes for marriage counseling too.

Laiste oh that's really interesting.

I have a friend in a ludicrously unhappy marriage, her parents keep on at her about how "marriage is not a contract, you can't just end it legally".

yes it fucking is and yes you fucking can!

sad thing, she stayed at mine recently when Euston station was buggered and she couldn't get home. It's not exactly fun here, small and squashed for one person. But she said "oh it's such a nice change to come home to a happy place".

feels unhappy as she puts the key in the door to her place. So awful.

I think that marriage is 8 years long now. Madness. She talks as if "the marriage" is a sacred institution that is so important, it is above her and she must not break it.

I think so many young women now seem to focus on the wedding day rather than the marriage. It’s as though they don’t realise what comes after the wedding. You probably come from a generation where once married you stayed that way. There doesn’t seem to be any commitment these days. I find it quite sad. I think you can only support her. I feel sorry for her husband.

I can sympathise with the feelings of someone who is properly religious when they are horrified about ending the contract of marriage, even when there's no kids involved. But to the vast majority it's more a matter of being embarrassed to tell the neighbors that their DS or DD's marriage has failed. It was in my DMs case. OP is very reminiscent of it all and gives it away with all the special family bond stuff. ''WHY rock the boat when the rest of us are all perfectly happy in it!?'' basically.

You're being very short sighted Op. Your daughter has already made her mind up. If/when she meets someone else in the next few years and in her 30s is happily married to them with children do you want to be part of their family Christmases then? If so don't estranged yourself from her for the sake of people who will likely also have a new DIL and grandchildren in the same time period and won't be keeping in touch.

Don't patronise your daughter by suggesting counselling, make it clear to her, your SIL and his family you'll always support her then take a big step back. She is your family.

I agree that your role here is to support her in whatever she decides. You didn’t object when she married him so presumably you thought she old enough and responsible enough to make that very important choice. decision to marry him I think now you have to trust that she is old enough to recognise she made a mistake.

Please don’t mention your ‘poor’ SIL to her - imagine how it would feel to know your mum was more worried about the SIL than her own child.

If you are right and it is a case of post wedding slump and she regrets her choice later, then they might reconcile but whatever happens she should be sure that you support her 100%.

This has flung me back 30 years. I ended my marriage after 18 months. We'd been together since our teens (approx five years). There were a number of reasons, one or two very personal that I would not have discussed with my mother. He was a truly lovely man but we'd run our course and we should never have got married in the first place. My mother reacted just like you OP. It's like listening to her again. Despite being "embarrassed" by my decision to divorce, she took every opportunity to tell people, even on one occasion a waiter in a restaurant "she's divorced you know", like it was some sort of plague that I was infected with. I made the right decision and my only regret is hurting my ex-husband.

I bitterly resented the family conference that took place in my absence, then being told we had to go for counselling. We did to please everybody else but my decision was made and it ended after one session. I really could have done with some support at the time and since my mum died, my Dad has told me he wished I had spoken up sooner. I really felt browbeaten though. It still makes me sad to this day.

OP, you are being totally unreasonable. It actually doesn't matter if she's making a huge mistake, it's her mistake to make. She's come up with some pretty clear reasons that you might not "agree" with but again it's not your decision. You also have no idea whatsover what goes on behind closed doors...we looked "pretty special" but it wasn't. If she no longer loves her husband then it is best to do it now and give them both a chance to move on while young. Tell her you will support her regardless, which as a parent is what you should do.

How sad many posters do not believe a marriage is for life, to be worked in through the good and the bad. Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority.

How sad that so many people think that one person's happiness should be sacrificed for another's. Especially when that other is an autonomous, responsible adult.

lynsey. Congratulations on your happy marriage.

However, as you are happy don't you think it's easier to hold your beliefs?

Sometimes, having not experienced exactly how unhappy an unhappy marriage can be makes it easy to pass judgement.

"I think so many young women now seem to focus on the wedding day rather than the marriage. It’s as though they don’t realise what comes after the wedding."
Reminds me of my gynae when I was worrying about labour and giving birth - he told me it would be a maximum of 24 hours of pain/work to bring my child into the world, but I'd have at least 18 years of worry after the baby was born! He was right and I appreciate what you're saying there, Yetanotherwinter. When I was getting married, for the only time so far, 30 years ago, there was what I suppose you would call a meme, nowadays, about how getting married could be done in a matter of minutes, relatively, whereas getting divorced took a whole lot longer - and it was the wrong way round.
But I digress, sorry.

My dad has always said, about any relationship decision I've made, that if I don't want to go through with it for whatever reason, to go to him and he'll always be there for me.

I've never bailed on a serious relationship (only one with DV) but knowing he'll be there for me if it all got too much is the biggest relief in the world.

I think your daughter came to you for support and you've brushed her off.
Maybe if you spoke to her neutrally, instead of (basically) sticking up for SIL it would help her.
If she feels unhappy and trapped, the last thing she wants to hear from her own mother is 'but what about SIL, he's not abusive, doesn't cheat on you, so you should stay together' - how low can the bar be set?

It's her marriage, how can you possibly be so sure that messiness and thoughtlessness and being a 'typical man' is the reason she's had enough?
There may be deeper reasons why, but she doesn't feel like she can tell you because 'SIL and commitment'

YABU.
Support your daughter, talk to her and most importantly listen to her and be there for her.
SIL has his own parents who can pile on as much sympathy as needed, your daughter needs you.

Her life, her marriage. What a disgusting view you have, frankly OP. If your daughter doesn't want to be married then you should be supporting her decision, not trying to discourage her and get her to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of playing (un)happy families.

My Mother always took DH's side whenever I wanted to break up. Guilting me in to staying. I hate her for that. Absolutely 100% hate her for it. Because that's not what mother's are supposed to do.

I suspect the marriage was to try and save the relationship (even subconsciously) or that they felt like they had to because it’s the expected thing that couples do. And if she doesn’t instigate a divorce, chances are they’ll have kids for the same reasons. And then the fall out if they split up will be far greater!

She could easily live another 70+ years, do you really want her to stay with a man who she fell for aged 18, and realised at 27 she no longer loves, for another 70 years?! Just because they signed a piece of paper? Divorce has been legal for many years!

Far better for them to go their separate ways now, as amicably as possible, before kids get brought into it.

@BaubleTheLumpOfCoal - that's lovely, you've reminded me how my long dead father supported me in the same way yours does. Though in fact, when my heart was broken by the Love of my Life, he was so distressed by my raw despair that he didn't know what to do - but he was there for me, and I knew he would be. It is a wonderful thing to know that someone is there just for you, right or wrong and without judgement.

I’m sorry if this sounds unkind, but your advice is very old fashioned. Sticking with it because he doesn’t hit me . . . What a way to live! Also, the minimising of slobbishness isn’t okay. If men don’t pull their weight at home physically and mentally, they shouldn’t feel surprised when their wives/partners don’t love them anymore. It’s a big deal b and all this ‘you can’t divorce me for not doing the washing up’ just doesn’t cut if any more. The world has changed and your daughter needs your support as a young woman making a big decision which will impact hugely on the rest of her life.

'The family can all see that what DD and SIL have is very special.'

Yeah, no. A boyfriend said similar to me after I left him. Shame you didn't make me feel special, then, wasn't it?