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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have you ever had negative comments for dressing well going to work?

424 replies

Shedidnt · 02/01/2020 13:28

I suppose they were not negative in my case but I don't have much confidence really, so I think women (in both cases) wouldn't know that.

I dress well going to work. Pencil skirts or dresses. On two occasions how I dress has been commented on (and not complimentary).

First one was a girl who said 'you look like you're dressed up to go out - I wouldn't get dressed up to come into this place'. I felt like an eejit for trying too hard.

Second one were two female colleagues talking among themselves and one saying 'oh well, she's always overdressed'.

I like to dress well as it gives me confidence. But I feel women particularly hated me for it. The women I befriended never commented apart from maybe to say, that's a nice top - where did you get it (usually primark), but it has left me feeling self conscious about what I wear in case I look like a try-hard or something?

Please tell me some of you dress up to go to work?

Another factor might be an ex (who used to beat me up) told me I was dressing up for the men at work and in fact some of the beatings I took were to make my face bruised so that I couldn't go to work.

OP posts:
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antlady · 03/01/2020 04:40

You didn't say that though below

A lot of comments get made along the lines of - 'oh I like your dress - I pick the first thing I find at the bottom of the wardrobe' or similar. It feels a bit like negging. Compliment on the one hand, but make me feel bad for going to the effort on the other hand.

So what are the put downs?

Original poster
Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 04:40

Btw I never said that my work attire was inappropriate. My gripe is with women feeling the need to comment on the apparent effort I go to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 04:41

By saying that they can't be arsed making an effort, they're implying that I'm an idiot for doing so.

OP posts:
Fochit · 03/01/2020 04:42

I think it’s contradictory to say you like dressing up and then admit to changing into slobbish gear at home. Whilst I would in no way condone your ex’s behaviour I can empathise with his thoughts on this.

I suspect you’re on the pull tbh

Original poster
Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 04:44

PMSL. Well that's a first.

Perhaps you can see his point when he dragged me out onto the front lawn by the hair shouting at the next door neighbour who worked for the same company 'Look at her now - What do you think of her now?'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 04:45

For the record - I dress up for me. So that I like what I see in the mirror and so that I look professional.

OP posts:
antlady · 03/01/2020 04:49

By saying that they can't be arsed making an effort, they're implying that I'm an idiot for doing so.

That's not a put down though, you have interpreted it as one.

My colleague goes to the gym every day, I often admire her motivation & say I couldn't do it. It's a reflection on me, not her.

As another poster said I think your hyper sensitive.

Original poster
Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 04:50

@Fochit - when you're going out with your DH to a nice restaurant, do you wear PJs or do you dress appropriately? Do you then come home and remain in high heels walking around at home?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 04:51

Perhaps I'm hypersensitive or perhaps it's people like Fochit who have made me feel that way.

OP posts:
antlady · 03/01/2020 04:55

do you wear PJs or do you dress appropriately?

What clothes are dressing appropriately though? I wouldn't get really dressed up to go to a restaurant with my DH.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 03/01/2020 04:56

Shedidnt there's nothing wrong with how you're dressing. If you're happy with it keep going. Shrug off the comments with a laugh or a smile. They'll find someone/something else to talk about eventually.
I often wonder why people feel the need to comment so much on something that is slightly different to their version of "the norm" to be honest.
Anyway, ignore them. YANBU.

Scabetty · 03/01/2020 04:56

I think you make them feel inadequate nut not enough for them to do anything about it Grin.

Original poster
Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 04:56

Well that's where you and me differ @antlady. I like getting dressed up. You don't.

OP posts:
antlady · 03/01/2020 04:57

I think your posts are confusing. On one hand

My gripe is with women feeling the need to comment on the apparent effort I go to.

but then

For the record - I dress up for me

So you do or don't make an effort? Either option is fine but I think if you do it's a little disingenuous to be annoyed at peoples comments.

Original poster
Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 04:59

Nothing contradictory there antlady. Yes, I make an effort, for me.

I'm not annoyed. I was asking whether other people who made an effort with their appearance had similar experiences.

OP posts:
Fochit · 03/01/2020 05:00

Shedidnt I did say that I in no way condone his behaviour.

I would obviously remove heels in the house.

Original poster
Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 05:01

The title of my thread is:

Have you ever had negative comments for dressing well going to work?

It's not:

I dress well to go to work - psychoanalyse me please

OP posts:
KangarooCourting · 03/01/2020 05:01

I’ve always made an effort for work, even though our dress code is only smart-casual. I had a slim hourglass figure for most of my life and have mainly worn pencil dresses or skirts with fitted tops, and heels. I felt confident, professional and good about myself in that ‘uniform’. I’ve definitely had a few snarky comments over the years related to how I dress. An older woman referring to the way I dress as ‘always dressing to show off my figure’ (and not said in a good way), several women passing bitchy comments about why I go to so much effort, I must spend a fortune on clothes, who am I trying to impress? etc.

I’ve put on quite a bit of weight in the last year or so due to health issues and have been dress differently to flatter/conceal my belly and huge arse - more tunic style and looser shift dresses.

It’s been eye opening how differently some of those same female colleagues treat me. Some who were quite ‘cool’ with me have become warmer.

I’m afraid I do think some of those women were either jealous or felt threatened or intimidated by me.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 03/01/2020 05:01

I can't believe a PP has said OP must be "on the pull" because she likes dressing smartly for work Hmm

Seriously!?!?

Hello, is this 2020?

Original poster
Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 05:02

I would obviously remove heels in the house.

Well by your logic, you're on the pull when you're out and about in heels. Why not wear heels at home for your DH?

OP posts:
antlady · 03/01/2020 05:03

Like I said I love clothes & make lots of effort. I just don't think it's a thing for someone my age in London to get very dressed up for a meal.

You seem to have quite a strict view of what constitutes dressing up or dressing appropriately.

Original poster
Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 05:05

@antlady - well not if you're going to the local curry house - no.

OP posts:
Fochit · 03/01/2020 05:06

I do think some of your comments and replies on this thread are interesting.

Original poster
Shedidnt · 03/01/2020 05:07

Why thank you @Fochit!

OP posts:
antlady · 03/01/2020 05:09

I was asking whether other people who made an effort with their appearance had similar experiences.

Which I answered & said that I take compliments at face value

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