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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that this is incredibly irresponsible parenting?

343 replies

Dailydup · 02/01/2020 12:51

DP is part of a large friend group, mostly made up of middle class professional couples all in their 30s who have young children and all socialise together regularly. DP and I were invited along to a New Year’s Eve party at one of the friend’s houses. It was made clear that all of the children were welcome and the host had got lots of party things in for the kids to enjoy whilst there. DP and I have no DC, but the majority of the other friends all brought their children along to play together.

Whilst there, I was shocked when one of DP’s friends called me in to the bathroom and casually offered me some cocaine. I’d been oblivious to the fact that they’d been regularly sneaking in to the bathroom to do this throughout the night and that DP and I were actually the only two not partaking in the drug taking. Once I became aware of what was going on I felt extremely uncomfortable being there and asked DP if we could go home, meaning we left before midnight. I should point out that DP and I have been together just over a year, so I don’t know his friend group particularly well but would never have suspected them of this. The majority of them are highly successful, well educated and appear on the outside to be doting parents.

When we left I told DP how shocked and disgusted I was that they had been taking drugs in the presence of and whilst responsible for caring for their young children. DP seemed v blasé and said that they do it regularly at social gatherings and always ensure its done away from the DC (i.e. by sneaking in to the toilet Hmm) so doesn’t see the problem. AIBU in thinking that this is utterly irresponsible parenting and possibly even a matter for social services to investigate?

OP posts:
ChickenyChick · 02/01/2020 16:52

I hate it when everyone around me is on drugs, (I include heavy drinking of alcohol in that), it makes me feel like I am not on the same wavelength (planet) and nobody makes sense. It makes me feel lonely, so I would have left too...

bit sad really, I find coke turns most people into arseholes, it does not make people nice or fun IMO

StillWeRise · 02/01/2020 16:54

OP you should show this thread to your DP
bottom line wrt to parenting (short term) is would the people doing coke be able to respond adequately in an emergency, including driving a child to hospital?
long term, what are they doing associating with criminals, even if their consumption is under control and affordable, it is not safe to be associating with people who put profit above human suffering and the law
CSC will not be concerned unfortunately as their bar is set far lower
and, setting aside the parenting issues, these people are complicit in terrorism, trafficking, and violent crime
so, YANBU

MarshaBradyo · 02/01/2020 16:58

I feel sorry for the dc having to tag along while they do that.

KaptainKaveman · 02/01/2020 17:04

tonglong - "the legal issue I do not see as a problem....you sound a bit narrow minded and boring".

On a scale of 1 - 100 of being a) offensive, b) spectacularly stupid and c) callous and cruel, you've gone way off the scale in all three. It would be quite difficult to find a comment as moronic as this one.
Are you a coke snorting moron, tonglong ?

SansaSnark · 02/01/2020 17:05

I do think it's a weirdly regional thing and very much down to who you know, and definitely quite middle class. I grew up in the rural SW, there were lots of drugs around, but coke was rare- I don't think I was ever offered it. I've also lived in the home counties, Bristol and London. In all three places, coke was rife among middle class young professional types- but in Bristol especially, it was rare for people to do other drugs.

FWIW I think if kids are there, one parent should always be sober.

However, I do think there are reasons why doing coke (with alcohol) is worse than "just" being drunk:

-As others have said, the risk to a kid of doing one line or eating a bit is way worse than them having a sip or even a gulp of alcohol.

-The risk of it being cut with something else. It's rare for drugs to actively be cut with something dangerous- after all, dealers don't want to kill their customers. However, there's always a risk of someone stupid in the supply chain, and you don't know where it's been. I know two people who accidentally snorted warfarin with coke, which is obviously very dangerous.

-If something happened to you/one of the kids, you'd go to A and E, even a little bit drunk, without hesitation. If you've got drugs in your system, would you hesitate?

-Coke + drink is more dangerous than either one on its own. When they're processed by the liver together, it produces a byproduct which makes you more at risk of heart attack and stroke. Also, taking any stimulant and depressant at the same time is bad for your heart/blood pressure and can cause issues. You might feel like you're fine- but you're not.

  • The come down is really awful. It's not something that it's fair to subject kids to IMO. Who's looking after them the next day?
Bunnyfuller · 02/01/2020 17:08

It is eminently different to drinking. It’s illegal.

CalleighDoodle · 02/01/2020 17:09

If id had a conversation with a man i was serious about having a future with, where he said he didn't think taking drugs in front / while on charge of children was an issue, id be reconsidering that relationship.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 02/01/2020 17:13

It's not impossible for him to not take drugs or be tempted.

Yes but it's not 'absolute bullshit' or impossible that he will or does partake with his friends especially when OP's not there either is it?

AreYouLoco · 02/01/2020 17:15

Meh!

I was at a party with my DD in the summer and two parents (who are teachers) casually rolled up their splits and started smoking in the garden in front of 3/4 year olds. It wont do them any harm, and remember this- the middle classes/rich can get away with kind of stuff Wink

TryingToBeBold · 02/01/2020 17:16

Yes but it's not 'absolute bullshit' or impossible that he will or does partake with his friends especially when OP's not there either is it?

My comment about it being absolute bullshit was aimed towards those saying he is definitely still partaking. No doubt about it. He definitely will be doing drugs behind your back.
No "maybe".. those that were insistent on that being the case.

bakewreck99 · 02/01/2020 17:18

It’s not ok, I wouldn’t think much of any parent totally off their head for whatever reason with small dc but personally have seen coke destroy lives completely. We know middle class professionals with kids doing it too.

@Dailydup have a long think about your so’s values.

FWIW I do have a friend found to have drugs in the house by SS and they were definitely not cool with it.

TryingToBeBold · 02/01/2020 17:18

@ChickenyChick

I hate it when everyone around me is on drugs, (I include heavy drinking of alcohol in that), it makes me feel like I am not on the same wavelength (planet) and nobody makes sense. It makes me feel lonely, so I would have left too...
I get that. It makes it really.. off.

But OP didnt have a problem when it was heavy drinking.

MGC31 · 02/01/2020 17:25

She hasn’t said either way re having a problem with heavy drinking. You’ve simply assumed she didn’t because she has focussed on the cocaine rather than the alcohol.

pallisers · 02/01/2020 17:28

But OP didnt have a problem when it was heavy drinking.

she didn't say they were drinking heavily. She just said they were drinking too. They could have been having a couple of glasses of wine each.

Immaback · 02/01/2020 17:31

YANBU
as a parent of two young children that don’t sleep much I have no idea how you would even have the interest or energy to do this! (And obviously it’s illegal and irresponsible)

TryingToBeBold · 02/01/2020 17:35

@pallisers

I thought I'd made it up as it was a NY party but OP did clarify a few pages later that it was a large amount of alcohol. I'm taking that to mean heavy drinking.

as per my further posts, they were doing drugs in addition to (the large amount) of alcohol being consumed

TryingToBeBold · 02/01/2020 17:39

She hasn’t said either way re having a problem with heavy drinking. You’ve simply assumed she didn’t because she has focussed on the cocaine rather than the alcohol.

I have assumed. But only because OP was happy to stay (with large amounts of alcohol drunk) until she learnt of the drug use. Then wanted to leave immediately (pre midnight). NY party normally does imply you would stay after midnight so assuming OP would have done just that had she not learned of other activities..

Shelby2010 · 02/01/2020 17:41

Bet you a tenner that DP has taken coke during the time he has been in a relationship with OP.

@Dailydup do you think he’d tell you the truth if you asked him? Would you be able to tell?

MaudebeGonne · 02/01/2020 17:42

It's a bit pathetic to be honest. It is one thing to experiment with drugs when you are young and carefree, but just seems a bit seedy and sad when you are at a house party in the 'burbs.

I am not anti-drugs but I am anti middle class clichés, and this sort of behaviour falls firmly into that camp. The stench of "cool mum & dad" is sickening. The only positive I can think of is that their children will be so mortified by it all when they are older, that they will never want to go near the stuff.

Selfish, self-indulgent and shady. It would certainly make me view them less well as parents and as grown-ups.

Evilmorty · 02/01/2020 17:44

Everyone who is saying alcohol is worse. Well yeah maybe but this isn’t a race to get as fucked as possible in front of your kids with minimum social outrage. Who cares what the thing is, being off your face in front of children isn’t exactly a heatlhy thing to be doing. For them, not for the adult.

How about don’t take any toxic substance which renders you unable to look after children, whilst looking after children?

It doesn’t matter if the op wasn’t outraged when it was only heavy drinking. The OP isn’t in charge of 17% of MN’s children. Those voters are seemingly cool with it too. Any one who thinks this kind of behaviour in front of kids is normal, is sadly losing their grip on what normal is.

bringbacksideburns · 02/01/2020 17:50

It wont do them any harm, and remember this- the middle classes/rich can get away with kind of stuff ...

Eh?

He needs new friends. Their kids were there. It's a totally different 'party' atmosphere. They aren't in a club. Clearly trying to hold onto their youth.
Would love to take this bunch of mc dickheads to a town full of county lines kids to see how it really operates behind their nice respectable facade.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 02/01/2020 17:50

My comment about it being absolute bullshit was aimed towards those saying he is definitely still partaking. No doubt about it. He definitely will be doing drugs behind your back.
No "maybe".. those that were insistent on that being the case.

Aaaah (ding) I get you. Sorry for getting the context wrong.

Maybe a brief sniff would sharpen my wits a bit.....(pathetic humour)

pallisers · 02/01/2020 17:50

But only because OP was happy to stay (with large amounts of alcohol drunk) until she learnt of the drug use.

what is so wrong with that? I would judge parents getting shitfaced on wine when in charge of their children but I wouldn't have the instinctive feeling of wanting to get away from an illegal activity that is soaked in someone else's blood and tears.

None of us know whether the DP is taking drugs himself or not. I know where I'd place my tenner though. The OP needs to have a conversation with him.

TryingToBeBold · 02/01/2020 17:52

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook
No problem. The internet is a temperamental place for context and misinterpretation.

I actually have never taken it so I can't say if it would help or not... something of the plant variety may help to relax a few though Grin

TryingToBeBold · 02/01/2020 17:54

It sucks that people would be betting a tenner on me taking drugs... based on their view of DP Sad and a similar situation (minus kids but with previous usage and tolerance of friendship circle usage).