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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable with SIL teasing baby

162 replies

MarthaHarbour · 02/01/2020 08:52

I have a DD of just over a year, who is the only female GC in DH's family. SIL, for years, very much wanted a girl, but had boys. As a result she is keen to be the favourite, "fun" auntie. I think she means well, but DD can take a while to warm up to people, and SIL tends to bounce up to her right away, be a bit loud and over the top, try to take her out of my arms, asking for kisses and hugs. DD then gets a bit upset and tends to cling to me. SIL sees this as evidence that we have spoilt DD. I still breastfeed too, which she is very Hmm over.

Recently, now that DD is more mobile, she has started a new "game" where she basically entices DD with a toy or a set of keys or something that DD wouldn't usually have, then she corners her/blocks her ability to crawl away, and dangles the thing out of DD's reach so that DD has to pull herself up on SIL's front to try and get the item (if that makes sense) SIL will then restrain her and start going all "yes that's right you LOVE Auntie, Auntie is the BEST, you're giving Auntie the BEST HUGS" and then if DD tries to get away she'll just hold on to her.

The first few times I let it go, but then it kept happening basically every time we saw her, so when she started dangling the item, I just said "please don't tease her, she doesn't like it" and lifted DD away. SIL then did an eye roll and gave MIL a look, and I just know that'll be a whole big discussion behind my back about how spoilt and precious DD is.

Am i being oversensitive? I know that SIL just sees this as being affectionate, but I really don't like it and it makes me uncomfortable to see my child effectively restrained and frustrated. SIL's boys tease a lot, to the point where I feel that although it starts out as fun, it ends up betti g quite nasty, and someone is upset and crying, and I just don't like it. It's very much seen as "boys will be boys" but I have a much older DS from a previous relationship and he didn't behave this way because I simply didn't let him.

OP posts:
OceanSunFish · 02/01/2020 08:54

I think YANBU. Carry on lifting DD away as you have been doing. What does DH think? Maybe he could have a quiet word with SIL it MIL?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/01/2020 08:57

I wouldn’t like it, either.
I’d say again, ‘Please don’t do that, she doesn’t like it,’ and add, ‘And please don’t roll your eyes like that, I’m not being weird or precious, she’s too little for deliberate teasing.’

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 02/01/2020 08:57

I wouldn’t like that sort of thing, but I fail to see how you SIL ever saw it from your point of view given what you’ve described. I can’t imagine I would want to spend time with someone who thought ‘boys would be boys’ anyway.

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 02/01/2020 08:58

Yeah, call her out on the eye rolling

ElfridaEtAl · 02/01/2020 09:00

YANBU at all. How would she like it if someone backed her into a corner and then wouldn't let her go? Probably scared and frustrated and she wouldn't want to go near the person again and she's an adult, it must be awful for your DD.

I can’t imagine I would want to spend time with someone who thought ‘boys would be boys’ anyway.
Also this.

Thehop · 02/01/2020 09:01

“Roll your eyes all you like sue, we do kind in our family”

“You mean no thank you auntie, don’t you!” “Aww look she’s saying that was a nice hug now save me mummy I can’t escape!”

Call her out. Nasty cow.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 02/01/2020 09:01

Your SIL is an arse.

I woukdnt let someone do that to my dog, let alone my child. (Disclaimer: I don't have either.)

I'd just say she's too young to understand this is funny, you'll have to wait til she's old enough to understand.

HannaYeah · 02/01/2020 09:05

Wow, no, you are not being unreasonable. SIL has no boundaries or respect for another human, to treat your little one this way.

I would limit your child’s exposure to SIL as much as possible. I think kids need to learn they have a right not to be grabbed, touched and forced to exhibit affection as early as possible.

poppymatilda · 02/01/2020 09:05

I would hate this. My mum has been known to do something similar - grab DD out of my arms, and bellow in her face for fun not realising that DD hated it. She also flicked water in her face and made her cry.

All I can say is put a stop to it. My baby, my job to take care of her. Call me whatever you want behind back but you're the one hassling a 1 year old you loser

CountryGirl1234 · 02/01/2020 09:06

I’d lift her away too and second calling her out on the eye rolling, what a stupid thing to do with a child of that age. If they want to call you precious (probably do) it’s not your mentality that needs to change. I’d feel a little uncomfortable with anyone who teased children in this way at that age.

CountryGirl1234 · 02/01/2020 09:07

‘At that age’ .... at all!! Ever...

Lllot5 · 02/01/2020 09:11

People are fucking weird sometimes when it comes to babies.
I would keep picking her up out of the way and tell sil that she’s being mean to a one year old.
I also agree with pp who mentioned children not being forced to kiss and cuddle adults if they don’t want to.

usernamepp · 02/01/2020 09:11

YADNBU

I actually felt annoyed reading this. I hate people doing things like this to a child, unkind and unnecessary. I would keep to DD's side whilst in the company of SIL so I could stop it from happening and if she gave any funny looks or eye rolls I would ask her what the problem was

MustardScreams · 02/01/2020 09:12

Call her out every single time. I don’t let anyone wind up my dogs, let alone my child!

I know it’s uncomfortable to do, especially with family, but you don’t have to be shouty. Just firm with her. And if she rolls her eyes at you then I’d just laugh at her tbh.

She sounds very immature and on the right path to raising boys with issues with her ‘boys will be boys’ shite.

CalamityJune · 02/01/2020 09:14

YANBU, I hate games like this. My GPs do it to my DS as a way of playing with him, or will show him toy after toy after toy rather than letting him play with the one he has chosen, and then comment about how grumpy he is when he gets frustrated Hmm

Equanimitas · 02/01/2020 09:16

There is a definite line between teasing and bullying which some people refuse to acknowledge. My mother used to let my brother get away with awful behaviour by saying he was "just teasing" and that I should toughen up and deal with it - now I look back on it, that was sheer laziness on her part and she was condoning bullying.

So I suggest that, rather than asking your SIL not to tease your child, you say something like "You know that upsets her, it would upset any child, why do you do it?"

Jellybeansincognito · 02/01/2020 09:20

They sound horrible.

I would restrict access until they want to treat her with respect to be honest.
Your dd will grow up wanting to be as far away from them as possible if they continue. That sort of behaviour can really damage a child’s confidence too.

AliceAbsolum · 02/01/2020 09:20

She sounds about 15. An immature 15. Hold your boundaries, your DD will eventually notice you doing so and learn to do it herself. Managing personal space is so important.

Jellybeansincognito · 02/01/2020 09:21

And I agree with the comment above mine.

You could say- why are you eyerolling? You want to cuddle her/ perhaps if you stop scaring her and making her feel uncomfortable she’ll want to come to you without you having to force her.
If you continue to make her feel uncomfortable she’ll never want to bond with you.

PureAlchemy · 02/01/2020 09:22

YANBU.

And ironically, if she wants your DD to like her, her actions will probably have the opposite effect!

My youngest DS (3) tends to be very reserved around new people, and also around people that he’s not seen for a while.
If people try to force him into things - like you describe your SIL doing with your DD - then it just upsets him and makes him back off from the person who’s all in his face.
If someone wants my DS to like them, it’s much better to give him some space and let him come over to them when he’s ready for it.

MedusasButterDish · 02/01/2020 09:23

Eek! Cornering a child, even without all the other behaviour, isn't nice!

Fleamaker123 · 02/01/2020 09:26

This would make me so angry! I would have to tell her to just leave baby alone, and to stop teasing, it's cruel. Pick daughter up and leave the room. She sounds like an idiot. And she's not considering your feelings either. Your baby = your decisions, not hers

CaMePlaitPas · 02/01/2020 09:29

She's your child, you need to put a stop to this behaviour which sounds like it panics and upsets your daughter. She's your one year old, you set the boundaries and the rules until she's old enough to do it herself. Your SIL doesn't sound like a nice person to be honest.

Secondsop · 02/01/2020 09:30

I can’t abide it when people “tease” children. What’s funny about making them upset and then making them feel bad about getting upset?? I remember a friend (who was in all other respects fantastic with my kids) teasing them when we’d got back from a chippy run after a long day when they were really hungry, saying “they’ve run out of food so all they had for each of you is one tomato” and both my boys dissolved in floods of tears, and I found it very upsetting.

KeepYourGinUpHigh · 02/01/2020 09:30

My sister and her husband do this and it annoys the hell out of me! They actually tried telling me there is something wrong with my child (not yet 2) because he cries when they are in his face or when the husband grabs his leg and squeezes it ‘as a joke’. It’s unsurprising that his own son is NC and has been since he was about 14. This thread has inspired me to be more assertive next time (which won’t be for a long time as last time annoyed me so much!)