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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable with SIL teasing baby

162 replies

MarthaHarbour · 02/01/2020 08:52

I have a DD of just over a year, who is the only female GC in DH's family. SIL, for years, very much wanted a girl, but had boys. As a result she is keen to be the favourite, "fun" auntie. I think she means well, but DD can take a while to warm up to people, and SIL tends to bounce up to her right away, be a bit loud and over the top, try to take her out of my arms, asking for kisses and hugs. DD then gets a bit upset and tends to cling to me. SIL sees this as evidence that we have spoilt DD. I still breastfeed too, which she is very Hmm over.

Recently, now that DD is more mobile, she has started a new "game" where she basically entices DD with a toy or a set of keys or something that DD wouldn't usually have, then she corners her/blocks her ability to crawl away, and dangles the thing out of DD's reach so that DD has to pull herself up on SIL's front to try and get the item (if that makes sense) SIL will then restrain her and start going all "yes that's right you LOVE Auntie, Auntie is the BEST, you're giving Auntie the BEST HUGS" and then if DD tries to get away she'll just hold on to her.

The first few times I let it go, but then it kept happening basically every time we saw her, so when she started dangling the item, I just said "please don't tease her, she doesn't like it" and lifted DD away. SIL then did an eye roll and gave MIL a look, and I just know that'll be a whole big discussion behind my back about how spoilt and precious DD is.

Am i being oversensitive? I know that SIL just sees this as being affectionate, but I really don't like it and it makes me uncomfortable to see my child effectively restrained and frustrated. SIL's boys tease a lot, to the point where I feel that although it starts out as fun, it ends up betti g quite nasty, and someone is upset and crying, and I just don't like it. It's very much seen as "boys will be boys" but I have a much older DS from a previous relationship and he didn't behave this way because I simply didn't let him.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 02/01/2020 12:23

That confirms it, she hasn't grown up properly and needs therapy. Having two healthy DSs she may have wished for a girl too, but not to the extent of actively willing you not to have one.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 02/01/2020 12:34

I can remember my uncle years ago teasing my cat whilst she was trying to sleep in her cat bed....after a few mins of this my cat jumped out of her bed and clawed his arm....It bloody served him right and how we all laughed at him.

IAmLEA · 02/01/2020 12:37

@ilyjccs
Are you stupid? Babies aren't toys! They are not 'meant to be enjoyed'
They are human beings with feelings like you and me, they shouldn't be forced on people they don't want to be.

WhenOneDoorClosesAnotherOpens · 02/01/2020 12:37

Babies are meant to be enjoyed by the whole family. You’re being selfish denying your SIL a bit of fun with your kid. Calm down it’s no biggie

Shock Confused

Umberta · 02/01/2020 12:38

If SIL sat and built a tower of blocks or showed DD a book, or played peekaboo

This sounds great, could you suggest it to her?

WatchingTheMoon · 02/01/2020 12:50

"that's basically how my SIL acts over the years with her own children, pretends to eat their sweets, stamp on their toys. It's like a performance"

That sounds completely mad tbh.

Not always easy but I'd definitely avoid her as much as possible.

Vanhi · 02/01/2020 12:54

it couldn't be a girl, I could probably only carry boys (I come from a boy heavy family),

Well she's ignorant as well then. Naff all to do with what you can 'carry' but a basic genetic difference determined by spermatozoa, not egg. The genetic sex is determined by the male.

Hulagirla · 02/01/2020 13:02

Is she your PFB? It’s not coming from a bad place so I’d allow it and don’t let it upset you x

MustardScreams · 02/01/2020 13:11

Allow an adult to bully a baby, why?

Babies are their own person, that means they don’t have to be touched/played with/forced to interact if they don’t want to and adults could do well with learning this.

Lizzie0869 · 02/01/2020 13:31

It's ridiculous really. My DDs of 10 and 7 are much better around babies or animals. But then, I've kept on reminding them to 'be gentle', and they now behave much better. She's behaving like a child basically, who hasn't yet learned to emphasise with younger children or animals.

TisTheSeasonForMincePies · 02/01/2020 13:33

Shouldn't matter if she's her first born... The OP's DD doesn't want to be hounded and teased by her Auntie, poor child isn't a toy or source of entertainment.

If the Aunt wants to bond she can do so without making her Niece and everyone else feel uncomfortable.

Chocmallows · 02/01/2020 13:40

Hula it's not coming from jealousy and bitterness then?

The SIL is simply being loving by telling OPs DD how she must love Auntie and restraining her?

What fun can Auntie have next?

IAmLEA · 02/01/2020 13:43

Would you tolerate someone treating you like this? No. There's the obvious answer then.

LittleSweet · 02/01/2020 13:47

My mil and fil were like this with ds1 when he was a baby. They would talk really loudly in his face, which made him cry. I would tell them to wait a few minutes before doing that and cuddling him. She wrote to me explaining how I take the joy away from seeing him because of this. Keep doing what you are doing to protect your dd. Why care what they think of your parenting? You know your dd best.

FleasAndKeef · 02/01/2020 13:50

@81Byerley you sound like a lovely Nana 🙂

blubelle7 · 02/01/2020 13:55

YANBU. DH has a friend who is mid-40s (relevant) and had a miscarriage few weeks before DC3 was born. She has struggled to conceive since she was late 20s and only been pregnant twice, losing both pregnancies to miscarriage. She seems to think DS3 is "our" son and gets frustrated he does not know her or want to cuddle. She holds him and when he tries to come back to me turns him around and restrains his arms to stop him. She also has a lot of unnecessary opinions on me breastfeeding him and buying him stuff that I looked forward to buying him then getting upset that I DARE to dress MY SON in clothes I bought him and not the ones she bought.

I used to keep quiet but now I take my son away and comfort him. I'm sorry to other people struggling to conceive or who have had miscarriages but hogging and trying to monopolise someone else's children is wrong. My son is not a therapy doll to make her feelings better about not having a desperately wanted child. It would be okay if she actually had a relationship with him and he wanted to give her cuddles but she wants to force him into a familiarity that just isn't there or has developed organically from actually shock upon horror spending time with him.

I have also caught her calling herself mummy and she got stroppy when I wouldn't let her bath my son. Honestly she needs kindness yes but not at the expense of farming out my son. If I'm a horrible person for feeling this way then so be it.

EKGEMS · 02/01/2020 14:01

ilyccs You are an utter idiot and I hope and pray you don't have children

Chocmallows · 02/01/2020 14:07

Blubelle you need to stop this situation now. Seriously it is not helping your child or DH friend, why are you and you DH going along with it?

TheReef · 02/01/2020 14:26

This is on par with people tickling, it's a horrid thing to do to a child and your dd won't understand, she'll simply not want to be anywhere near your SIL.

As others have said keep doing what you're doing. Maybe even a 'dd doesn't like it', rather than trying to hold onto her and teasing her, maybe you should read her a book or play with her building blocks. I'd also call out her eye rolling, simply ask 'what is the eye rolling for sil'

Lolapippin · 02/01/2020 17:32

I think it sounds like your SIL is just trying to have fun with your DD so I wouldn’t be harsh on her. It doesn’t sound like your DD is crying and screaming in pain or anything

WatchingTheMoon · 02/01/2020 17:38

@lolapippin so what? Have you never just put up with unwanted touching or hugging because you don't know how to say no or because you don't want to offend someone?

This is how that shit starts.

DrManhattan · 02/01/2020 17:45

AVOID

Ohyesiam · 02/01/2020 17:56

She has so little self awareness. What a bully.
Really put your foot down op, forget all the eye rolls and let her say whatever she wants behind your back. Your priority is your poor dd .

BaolFan · 02/01/2020 18:11

Next time she tries to do it, make a comment. "You know SIL, DD probably want to see you if you played with her rather than teased her. Read her a book or get on the floor and build blocks with her. By tricking her into coming over to you and then restraining her when she does, you are teaching her not to trust you, which is a shame really."

And if she rolls her eyes. "Is something wrong? You seem to have something wrong with your eyes - is everything OK?".

EveHolt · 02/01/2020 18:16

I'd probably look like a dickhead doing this, but I'd be tempted to turn the tables with every interaction with her. Offer SIL a plate of biscuits and repeatedly take it out of her reach, block her way when she gets up to go to the loo, hug her repeatedly when she's trying to do something, put her coat somewhere she can't get it. Can't she take a joke!!