To feel uncomfortable with SIL teasing baby

[MarthaHarbour]

I have a DD of just over a year, who is the only female GC in DH's family. SIL, for years, very much wanted a girl, but had boys. As a result she is keen to be the favourite, "fun" auntie. I think she means well, but DD can take a while to warm up to people, and SIL tends to bounce up to her right away, be a bit loud and over the top, try to take her out of my arms, asking for kisses and hugs. DD then gets a bit upset and tends to cling to me. SIL sees this as evidence that we have spoilt DD. I still breastfeed too, which she is very over.

Recently, now that DD is more mobile, she has started a new "game" where she basically entices DD with a toy or a set of keys or something that DD wouldn't usually have, then she corners her/blocks her ability to crawl away, and dangles the thing out of DD's reach so that DD has to pull herself up on SIL's front to try and get the item (if that makes sense) SIL will then restrain her and start going all "yes that's right you LOVE Auntie, Auntie is the BEST, you're giving Auntie the BEST HUGS" and then if DD tries to get away she'll just hold on to her.

The first few times I let it go, but then it kept happening basically every time we saw her, so when she started dangling the item, I just said "please don't tease her, she doesn't like it" and lifted DD away. SIL then did an eye roll and gave MIL a look, and I just know that'll be a whole big discussion behind my back about how spoilt and precious DD is.

Am i being oversensitive? I know that SIL just sees this as being affectionate, but I really don't like it and it makes me uncomfortable to see my child effectively restrained and frustrated. SIL's boys tease a lot, to the point where I feel that although it starts out as fun, it ends up betti g quite nasty, and someone is upset and crying, and I just don't like it. It's very much seen as "boys will be boys" but I have a much older DS from a previous relationship and he didn't behave this way because I simply didn't let him.

She sounds mental. I’d nip it in the bud now. She needs you to be firm and clear on what you won’t tolerate too.

Chillbeans yes I've had the same where SIL is weird with DP and actively been caught out lots of times. She tries to jeopardise his relationships (me, his ex wife) by turning MIL and anyone else she can against his partner. Over the years she's caused a lot of trouble. She muscled in on his DD (with ex) by literally giving her booze and cigarettes aged 13. OP you need to cut this SIL and not let her have the baby - this is real.

0081Byerley

You sound like such a lovely Nana!

Babies and children are not here for adult's entertainment!

I had similar issues when my children were tiny. People probably thought I was being too precious... I really don't care.

YANBU. As well as be mean to your DD, you say she teases her own DC, plus she avoids parenting (disciplining) them. She looks to her mother (eye rolling) for approval and has challenged your DH when he was doing the right thing looking after DD.

It sounds like she has not grown up properly. Was she the spoilt sibling?

I would keep away from her - what benefit is she to your DD?

"Babies don’t exist for people’s enjoyment. She’s a person, not a bloody Nintendo Wii."

Bang on, well said!
FFS, the people who think the SIL is not out of order are clearly the same sort of selfish arse themselves, who think that their feelings and wants override the comfort and happiness of a tiny child.

YANBU. Your SIL is basically forcing your toddler into bodily contact that your DD doesn't want. That's really unpleasant and will give your DD boundary issues later if it isn't put a stop to.

As for the eyerolling - well if your MIL feels the same as your SIL then that's another problem looming and maybe your DH should consider having a word with her too.

Keep doing what you're doing - teasing is never particularly pleasant and physical coercion into doing something the child is uncomfortable with is even worse (in this sort of scenario, not in a safety situation, obviously!). Your SIL is a jerk.

I think small children should know that their bodies are their own, that nobody can touch them unless they want, and I think it should start when they are babies.

Yes, absolutely! I'm a SA survivor and, as a child, was made to think that a child was never allowed to say no to an adult, otherwise I was being rude/unkind. As a result of this, I've never allowed family members to insist on being able to give them a cuddle or kiss.

At times, this has led to my MIL being hurt when her DGDs don't want a cuddle. (But I wouldn't even want a child to have to accept a cuddle from me, it wouldn't exactly be genuine, would it?)

Blimey! What everyone else has said about boundaries, with bells on. Your dd is only little but she is making her discomfort clear. Your SIL sounds absolutely awful.

@ilyjccs

Babies are meant to be enjoyed by the whole family. You’re being selfish denying your SIL a bit of fun with your kid. Calm down it’s no biggie

I loathe this type of attitude. Why would an adult get pleasure out of scaring a one year old??

I think small children should know that their bodies are their own, that nobody can touch them unless they want, and I think it should start when they are babies.

Whoops, bold failure in my first post.

Is there any way that SIL is allowed to hold your DD? Because, from your OP, you're unhappy if she takes DD from your arms and you're unhappy if she tries to entice DD to her with a toy.
I'm not disagreeing with your reluctance about the latter but I think if you allowed SIL to have some contact with your DD then she might not have resorted to trying to 'trick' DD into a cuddle. You seem to have an attitude that any initial reluctance on your DD's part means you shouldn't let her go to anyone else. That seems rather extreme.

Bullying a baby - never a good look. Sil sounds horrible. I would stop the bullying and limit contact. You won't want DD playing with the 'boys will be boys' when she is older.

if you allowed SIL to have some contact with your DD then she might not have resorted to trying to 'trick' DD into a cuddle

Neither OP now her baby daughter exist so SIL can “have a go”. They’re both people and until SIL learns to treat her niece as a person who deserves kindness and respect its OP’s job as her mother to protect her.

YNBU. You sound like a lovely, caring Mum and your SIL is awful.

I'm guessing that the (very few) posters who think that you and your dd need to toughen up used to "tease" their siblings when they were kids, turned out to be bullies at school and probably didn't even realise that they were bullies but just wondered why their victims were so sensitive.

This reminds me of the excuse that bullies used to employ to justify themselves, that their victims need to learn to 'take a joke'. It's complete tosh in reality, as a joke is only a joke when both people find it funny.

On a side, how do you know SIL wanted a girl and that her behaviour is influenced by this? She sounds unhinged anyway

Nobody should have to learn that they are the plaything of another person. Your SIL is a cow,

She sounds like a total twat

Tell her stop stop

And remove your child!

I didn't say 'have a go' Anne . Most people don't consider it excessive for an aunt to want to hold her niece. OP has listed the ways in which she doesn't want her SIL to interact with her DD. The next step is to consider if there are any ways in which she's happy for her SIL to interact with her DD.

If OP never wants her SIL to hold her DD then she may find it helpful to acknowledge that but she should also be honest enough to admit it's connected to OP's disdain for SIL's parenting rather than hiding behind other excuses.

ACouchOfOnesOwn it doesn’t come across that the OP doesn’t want there to be any interaction at all! Just that the SIL should wait for the DD to feel comfortable and to initiate it rather than be teased into it.

@Chillbeans that is absolutely crazy. Your SIL is totally barking, well done your DH though.

Frankly, DD right now doesn't want to be held by anyone really. She clings to me for five or ten minutes when we go into another environment or if someone comes to our house, but then she's usually happy and comfortable enough to get down and crawl around. Apart from before sleep, that's practically the only time I get to hold her, and I'm her mother! She is desperate to be on the move at all times, and she is on the go from dawn to dusk, she is at that stage where just does not stop moving. She doesn't want to be in her pram, highchair, certainly not in someone's arms. I remember it with my eldest who was exactly the same, I was exhausted then too! If SIL sat and built a tower of blocks or showed DD a book, or played peekaboo, then I wouldn't even be posting on this thread, but the only way she tries to interact with DD is forced cuddles and shouty horseplay (running over from the other side of the room and going RARRRR right up into DD's face type of thing)

Tilda rather than it becoming a point of conflict, if OP realises what interactions she's happy with then she can try to direct SIL to them and head off the issue before it happens iyswim

I know SIL wanted a girl because I saw how she behaved during pregnancy when she was pregnant with her last (found out the gender at a scan, phoned pils when we were there, broke down sobbing on the phone) then when I was pregnant made numerous comments about how it was definitely a boy, there was no way it was a girl, it couldn't be a girl, I could probably only carry boys (I come from a boy heavy family), started hyperventilating down the phone to DH when he phoned her to tell her DD was born, basically the only way she could have made things clearer was if she had "I wanted a girl" tattooed on her head

Shes treating your daughter in exactly the same way my daughter treated our rescue cat when we first got him. She was 7, and ended up getting a nasty scratch, and being much kinder in future

Im not suggesting you or your daughter scratch her, although I wouldn't blame you, but maybe a sharp ‘thats ENOUGH’ might embarrass her into rethinking her behaviour? Shes an absolute idiot, and you have to stand up for your baby.