To feel uncomfortable with SIL teasing baby

[MarthaHarbour]

I have a DD of just over a year, who is the only female GC in DH's family. SIL, for years, very much wanted a girl, but had boys. As a result she is keen to be the favourite, "fun" auntie. I think she means well, but DD can take a while to warm up to people, and SIL tends to bounce up to her right away, be a bit loud and over the top, try to take her out of my arms, asking for kisses and hugs. DD then gets a bit upset and tends to cling to me. SIL sees this as evidence that we have spoilt DD. I still breastfeed too, which she is very over.

Recently, now that DD is more mobile, she has started a new "game" where she basically entices DD with a toy or a set of keys or something that DD wouldn't usually have, then she corners her/blocks her ability to crawl away, and dangles the thing out of DD's reach so that DD has to pull herself up on SIL's front to try and get the item (if that makes sense) SIL will then restrain her and start going all "yes that's right you LOVE Auntie, Auntie is the BEST, you're giving Auntie the BEST HUGS" and then if DD tries to get away she'll just hold on to her.

The first few times I let it go, but then it kept happening basically every time we saw her, so when she started dangling the item, I just said "please don't tease her, she doesn't like it" and lifted DD away. SIL then did an eye roll and gave MIL a look, and I just know that'll be a whole big discussion behind my back about how spoilt and precious DD is.

Am i being oversensitive? I know that SIL just sees this as being affectionate, but I really don't like it and it makes me uncomfortable to see my child effectively restrained and frustrated. SIL's boys tease a lot, to the point where I feel that although it starts out as fun, it ends up betti g quite nasty, and someone is upset and crying, and I just don't like it. It's very much seen as "boys will be boys" but I have a much older DS from a previous relationship and he didn't behave this way because I simply didn't let him.

Babies are meant to be enjoyed by the whole family.

Babies are meant to be protected.

She should suck it up buttercup. Her feelings don’t trump her aunts

I'm astounded that there are people here who think deliberately upsetting a child for an adult's gratification is ok

Yadnbu
Had similar with my SIL and MIL. Would take DS off me, hold him high up with outstretched arms and say "Weeeeee" while swinging him back down, ignoring his panicked expression. Would pick the dog up and hold it really close to his face and say "grrrr". Let my nephew try and play rough. I'd intervene every time and take him from them and get the sighs or eye rolls and MIL even called DS a "sissy" once because he cried. Safe to say a huge argument ensued! I've got NC with them now and DS is older and only sees them occasionally. Vile

No you are NBU, absolutely not, she sounds like a twat if I’m honest, and it’ll just make your DD never want to go near her when she’s older, so “fun auntie” is doing herself no favours

@ilyjccs that’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.

Children should be taught from a young age that they do not need to accept or put up with this type of behaviour from anyone. Your SIL needs to learn that it’s entirely inappropriate to force a child into contact. You are right to be upset.

YANBU, babies aren’t toys for adults to amuse themselves with. And as for the “you’ll get a shock when she starts school” comments - I wouldn’t let a relative do this with my school-age child either!

Your SIL is an idiot. Please remove your DD from the situation, nevermind what your idiot SIL and whoever else says.
My mother and sister used to do it to me, taking great pleasure in upsetting me then turning it round making out I was silly, oversensitive, couldn’t enjoy the fun, spoilsport.
Mother long dead, not much sibling relationship with my sister ( I wonder why)

@ilyjccs yes they do because DD and her wellbeing is my concern, SIL is an adult and can deal with her own feelings. So just because DD is a baby the fact she is uncomfortable and upset is fine as long as SIL is happy?

She sounds really annoying. There probably is a bit of dd being a PFB but SIL sounds in the wrong.
Just keep doing what you're doing. I find with babies the in laws will talk behind your back anyway. Let them.

Yanbu I would never allow anyone to restrain my child. I agree with PPs who said they wouldn't let people do that to their dog.

I have small grandchildren and great grandchildren. They live in other parts of the country so I don't see them often. When I do, I'm dying to hug them, and kiss them, and be their Nana. I don't though, unless they come to me first. I think small children should know that their bodies are their own, that nobody can touch them unless they want, and I think it should start when they are babies. When I saw them at Christmas, I was happy and friendly and the older ones came straight to me for a hug, the four year old came to me to talk about his toy, and came for a hug when they left. I didn't get a cuddle from the two year old. She doesn't remember me, so why should she?
If your sister in law wants a lovely relationship with your little girl, she should back off.

Yanbu. Teasing means having a laugh at someone else's expense. It's just another word for bullying.

YDNBU!! I would hate it if anyone did that to my DS, I would definitely stop it too!

Your SIL obviously feels this sort of behaviour is somehow character building- the only thing it will achieve is produce the same sort of child as her own appear to have become . Ultimately they will be bullies - where does DH stand on all this ? And why is your MIL tacitly supporting her daughter with the eye rolling ? If she is then both of them are nasty pieces of work .
Avoid contact with them as much as possible as they don’t have your DD s best interests at heart . Nasty .

Not the same but my FIL does this with my dog and he's been told 100000 times not to. Dangles treats in front of him then pulls them away at the last minute, acts like he has a treat when he hasn't then laughs when the dog gets excited but doesn't get anything, pulls the dogs toys away from him, tries fo hug him even though the dog is shrinking away. The dog loves everyone in our family except him. FIL was really put out when my parents came to stay (they live abroad) and the dog loved them instantly. I still tell him every time not to bother the dog but he continues to do it. I guess the dog will bite him eventually then he might take the hint (the dog is totally non agressive but they all have limits).

I can honestly see him being like this with our child too (pregnant with my first). He is lovely honestly, but I feel like he has to be the centre of attention and it drives me crazy.

@81Byerley excellent attitude

SIL behaves herself a little more when DH is around because when DD started crawling he was naturally removing her from various things/saying ah-ah when she went to poke the cat, and SIL kept going on at him to leave poor DD alone (ironic I know, but trying to be fun auntie) and stop telling her off (he wasn't) and DH got really fed up and told her to mind her own business

It's not actually the 'teasing' or taunting of your baby with things she can't reach that I find alarming - it's the forcing of physical contact and what your SIL is framing as 'affection' that's bothering me. Clearly she is desperate for your DD to find her, the SIL, attractive and fun and want to be with her, but you can't force babies and children to like someone if they don't. And trapping her in physical proximity isn't going to make her like your SIL now, or in years to come. It reminds me of what DS1 sometimes does with the cat if he wants a cuddle but the cat isn't bothered, and I call him out on that!

You should explain this to SIL, that by trapping your baby like that, so she can't get away, it's going to have the opposite effect she wants, and that also, it's bloody creepy.

WatchingTheMoon that's basically how my SIL acts over the years with her own children, pretends to eat their sweets, stamp on their toys. It's like a performance

Wow - she sounds irritating! Well done for putting a stop to it - must have been awkward for you. Your hubby needs to say something to his sister though...& bluntly!

People have such a displaced sense of entitlement when it comes to other people's babies - it's so weird!

My step mum is a really lovely woman but from when our son was a baby right through till about 2yrs old, she was so loud & enthusiastic with him (over animated, dangling things at him, generally right 'in his face' all the time) that it really freaked him out & he'd cry whenever she so much as looked at him in the end! She was so upset & kept telling everyone that he didn't like her! I persistently & politely had to tell her to back off a bit & just generally calm down around him. She just didn't listen & it got ridiculous. I had to be really blunt in the end & when she finally got it, sure enough, he warmed to her & they've been the best of friends ever since!

There seem to be a number of dissenting posts on the thread all worded in identical ways. Very odd.

YANBU she's your daughter! I would have asked her if there was something wrong with her eyes! Just because your married into the family she has no right to make you feel uncomfortable and to roll her eyes infront of your MIL is unacceptable I would have lifted my child and left.

Glom, yes I really hate the fact that she deliberately dangles the item in such a way that DD ends up basically climbing on top of SIL, who then grabs her and holds her. It's really deliberate--like she's not sitting there with her arm extended dangling the item out of reach of DD, she will sort of hold it close to her chest so DD has to come right over. It's just so physically invasive and I'd never dream of doing it with someone else's child, and I've been around a lot of children

I can’t abide it when people “tease” children. What’s funny about making them upset and then making them feel bad about getting upset??

I agree- same with dogs too. Just knock it off- its not funny.

I agree with other PP- tell her to stop it.