To feel uncomfortable with SIL teasing baby

[MarthaHarbour]

I have a DD of just over a year, who is the only female GC in DH's family. SIL, for years, very much wanted a girl, but had boys. As a result she is keen to be the favourite, "fun" auntie. I think she means well, but DD can take a while to warm up to people, and SIL tends to bounce up to her right away, be a bit loud and over the top, try to take her out of my arms, asking for kisses and hugs. DD then gets a bit upset and tends to cling to me. SIL sees this as evidence that we have spoilt DD. I still breastfeed too, which she is very over.

Recently, now that DD is more mobile, she has started a new "game" where she basically entices DD with a toy or a set of keys or something that DD wouldn't usually have, then she corners her/blocks her ability to crawl away, and dangles the thing out of DD's reach so that DD has to pull herself up on SIL's front to try and get the item (if that makes sense) SIL will then restrain her and start going all "yes that's right you LOVE Auntie, Auntie is the BEST, you're giving Auntie the BEST HUGS" and then if DD tries to get away she'll just hold on to her.

The first few times I let it go, but then it kept happening basically every time we saw her, so when she started dangling the item, I just said "please don't tease her, she doesn't like it" and lifted DD away. SIL then did an eye roll and gave MIL a look, and I just know that'll be a whole big discussion behind my back about how spoilt and precious DD is.

Am i being oversensitive? I know that SIL just sees this as being affectionate, but I really don't like it and it makes me uncomfortable to see my child effectively restrained and frustrated. SIL's boys tease a lot, to the point where I feel that although it starts out as fun, it ends up betti g quite nasty, and someone is upset and crying, and I just don't like it. It's very much seen as "boys will be boys" but I have a much older DS from a previous relationship and he didn't behave this way because I simply didn't let him.

If she is doing that to a baby, imagine what she would do as your girl grows up.

Nip it in the bud. Now.

Babies are meant to be enjoyed by the whole family.

Babies aren’t toys.

She should suck it up buttercup. Her feelings don’t trump her aunts

So an adult’s feelings who can and knows how to control them are more important than a baby’s who can’t and hasn’t yet learned how?

Wow. Wouldn’t want you around any babies or children period for that matter with views like those.

Can’t believe that the MIL wouldn’t say something. If my grandchild was being subjected to that behaviour I would definitely have supported the mother and had a word with SIL.

There probably is a bit of dd being a PFB but SIL sounds in the wrong.

Except it would be PSB - she has an older brother.

She should suck it up buttercup. Her feelings don’t trump her aunts

Utter bollocks.

The aunt's feelings dont trump the MOTHERS feelings so i'm afraid the aunt is the one who is going to have to suck it up.

@ilyjccs
"he should suck it up buttercup. Her feelings don’t trump her aunts"

They do because she is emotionally developing and learning about boundaries. Adults should behave well around children and in their best interests.

Babies are meant to be enjoyed by the whole family

This is absolutely nuts. Future crazy MIL comment right there!

I agree with you OP. You handled the situation well. I used to hate it when MiL would try to take DD from me when she had separation anxiety, she was so clingy and couldn’t understand that DD didn’t like it. Most babies that age want to be with their parents and will explore/play with others when they are ready and feel confident in their surroundings.

YANBU, keep doing your job as a mother and protecting your little one. SIL is a dick.

Babies are meant to be enjoyed by the whole family.

I dislike this attitude. Yes a baby should be loved by it's whole family, but they are not a commodity to be traded, 'had a go with'. If you want to take it in turns with something then get a board game. A child, or it's parents, should never be made to feel uncomfortable.

Fwiw the whole 'babies should be enjoyed by the whole family' thing caused me a lot of anxiety through pregnancy and still does, months on. People need to learn boundaries. SIL included in this instance.

YANBU about any of it. You are probably going to have to call her on it since she is basically showing no respect for your feelings.

I hate the ‘boys will be boys’ types.

YANBU! My 4 year old DD has a short fuse and likes things just so - not always easy but my in laws tease her until she snaps and then says what a dreadful child she is in front of her. It is awful to see and it will get to a point where she won't want to see them. In the same way as your DD gets older she won't go to your sil

I think small children should know that their bodies are their own, that nobody can touch them unless they want, and I think it should start when they are babies.

This.

Is your SIL in junior school or second school? Either way, I'm sure she'll grow out of this childish behaviour when she is an adult.

You are right to continue calling her out. Why do adults do this? Do they not see that it only makes kids dislike them, or frightened? FIL does this all the time, especially the 'enticing' thing - holding something out, usually a snack of some kind, and then moving it out of reach repeatedly. Or getting in their faces and trying to stroke their cheeks or whatever. Then he seems surprised that the child gets upset and doesn't like him very much. He's currently at it with my 1.5 year old, who now cries everytime he sees him. He ignores all requests to stop. It's so odd, because he is generally a lovely man - I think he just doesn't have a clue how to interact with children (MIL tells some 'funny' anecdotes about what he was like with DH and his siblings when they were young that are not really that funny iyswim. But the gendered dynamics of DH's family is a post all of its own).

Angryordisappointed64 you need to read up on brain development if you think experiences of which we have no memory have no impact
The most idiotic statement of the new year

Please, please, please follow your instincts.

Your SiL is not being the 'fun' auntie, she is being the nasty, mean, controlling auntie. Do not allow this to happen to your LO. If SiL rolls her eyes, call her out on it. And repeat as necessary until she gets the message.

If this does not work, go LC with her. Please stand up for your LO.

Of course you're NBU. She sounds like an idiot. Agree with others, carry on removing your DD from the situation/call her out. I would limit exposure to this Aunt.

I'm baffled by the ignorant 'she won't remember', 'suck it up buttercup' and mostly by the 'your DD's feelings don't trump her Aunt's'.
She won't remember?? How is that valid? So it doesn't matter if babies are abused because 'they won't remember'? There is some shit on this site.
And are you seriously telling us that the Aunt, a fully developed mature female adult, that is continent, can speak, can drink alcohol, buy cigarettes, can vote, with experience and learning and (hopefully, altho maybe not) capacity, has priority over a baby, that does NOT have capacity, let alone is continent, can't speak, etc etc. Wow. They say a nation is judged by how it treats its vulnerable....

It's really weird the amount of people who argue that it's ok to do something that distresses someone else (in this case a small child) because "they won't remember."

By that logic, it's fine to do anything to anyone so long as you think they won't recall it.

This is not kind behaviour to a small child. It amazes me what people think they can do to a non verbal child- it's simply bullying. Always follow your instincts and protect your child.

Absolutely unacceptable behaviour from the aunt. Yes she's trying to muscle in and is doing her mothering thing with your DD in the way she no doubt did with her own boys, and that's why they tease and are frustrated and emotionally unregulated.

Don't let the aunt do it again. I've had this too with the in law family - their pattern of baby and child interaction bring v different to mine. I've had to go zero tolerance on the practices I think are just wrong. So yes you'll have to butch out the hating you'll get from them for putting your foot down. But you can't let your little girl suffer even fur a second because if this stupid woman's stupid behaviour, aunt or no aunt. And make this clear right now, because it will only continue throughout your daughter's whole life.

Just pick her up, don't give her to the aunt. Just say no to that teasing thing. Be polite but firm. And yes she will roll her eyes and will butch to high heaven about you to the rest of her family, and especially MIL but ... f her.

Yeah that would annoy me, she's too extreme.

Some people are so creepy when it comes to babies... Put those boundaries down now.

I could have written the OP. SIL was exactly the same with DD with the added refrain of 'You like me best, don't you? You love me more than boring mummy.' She always tried to engineer it so she could carry DD off to another room, despite DD howling and reaching out for us. We called her out on it every single time. Things came to a head at DD's third birthday party when she told me that it was her dream that I would die so she could move in with DD and DH. She hadn't stopped to think DH might overhear; he escorted her to the door. We've been very careful not to slate SIL in front of DD but she's made her own choices and doesn't like her and will resist spending any time in her company. Keep looking out for your baby and enforcing those boundaries.

Argh ruined it with typos!! 😅

She will bitch about you and roll her eyes. You'll never ever change that and never have her approval, because she's an idiot, so don't even try.

Babies are meant to be enjoyed by the whole family. You’re being selfish denying your SIL a bit of fun with your kid.

Babies don’t exist for people’s enjoyment. She’s a person, not a bloody Nintendo Wii.