To feel uncomfortable with SIL teasing baby

[MarthaHarbour]

I have a DD of just over a year, who is the only female GC in DH's family. SIL, for years, very much wanted a girl, but had boys. As a result she is keen to be the favourite, "fun" auntie. I think she means well, but DD can take a while to warm up to people, and SIL tends to bounce up to her right away, be a bit loud and over the top, try to take her out of my arms, asking for kisses and hugs. DD then gets a bit upset and tends to cling to me. SIL sees this as evidence that we have spoilt DD. I still breastfeed too, which she is very over.

Recently, now that DD is more mobile, she has started a new "game" where she basically entices DD with a toy or a set of keys or something that DD wouldn't usually have, then she corners her/blocks her ability to crawl away, and dangles the thing out of DD's reach so that DD has to pull herself up on SIL's front to try and get the item (if that makes sense) SIL will then restrain her and start going all "yes that's right you LOVE Auntie, Auntie is the BEST, you're giving Auntie the BEST HUGS" and then if DD tries to get away she'll just hold on to her.

The first few times I let it go, but then it kept happening basically every time we saw her, so when she started dangling the item, I just said "please don't tease her, she doesn't like it" and lifted DD away. SIL then did an eye roll and gave MIL a look, and I just know that'll be a whole big discussion behind my back about how spoilt and precious DD is.

Am i being oversensitive? I know that SIL just sees this as being affectionate, but I really don't like it and it makes me uncomfortable to see my child effectively restrained and frustrated. SIL's boys tease a lot, to the point where I feel that although it starts out as fun, it ends up betti g quite nasty, and someone is upset and crying, and I just don't like it. It's very much seen as "boys will be boys" but I have a much older DS from a previous relationship and he didn't behave this way because I simply didn't let him.

I don’t think it’s a big deal. She’s 1, who cares? If she was 4 or something then I could understand but at the age of 1, she’s not going to care or remember

I hate it when adults think it's fine to force little ones into hugging /kissing etc. My dd is 2 and a half and just doesn't give kisses, not even to me and dh, she hugs us but does not kiss. My parents always without fail try to make her kiss them and despite me telling them repeatedly not to do this they still carry on, and take offence when she won't! I've cut down contact because it annoys me so much! Yanbu op!

But she cares now and she’s frightened now, @Angryordisappointed64?

Just go off your dd's reaction. If she seems ok then let them crack on. If she gets upset then intervene. Your SIL sounds like a bit of a knob but I do think you have to pick your battles with family. Only you can know if this one is worth fighting.

I hate teasing. I have a really visceral reaction to it. I don’t understand at all what’s funny about upsetting children just to give adults a laugh. It’s a power and control thing and it’s sick.

So no, you’re definitely not overreacting (and I say that as someone who thinks most people on here overreact most of the time ). Carry on removing your baby from the situation and telling SIL not to tease her. If you repeat it a few hundred times she might get the message eventually.

@Angryordisappointed64, I can only presume you are one of the unpleasant people who thinks your right to upset children trumps their right to not be upset.

Stupid comment Angryordisappointed64

I have this issue with several family members. Call her out on her eye rolls.

You’re being over-sensitive she’s one. You’ll get the shock of ya life when she starts school come back when you have real issues

Call her out every single time. I don’t let anyone wind up my dogs, let alone my child!

Agree with Mustard

Your DD is too young to cope with this, and even if she wasn't, it's not appropriate behaviour - it's denying your DD the right to her own feelings. She wants to be off her aunt's knee and is being forced to comply.

This sort of behaviour by trusted adults makes children vulnerable to the ones who might hurt them, because they develop a "must obey" mindset that is hard to get out of.

Of course, you don't allow your child to do anything she wants, but you do respect her feelings.

I agree ginger. I was treated horribly by my older brother. It’s a power and control thing and it’s sick. This thread is making me feel ill. Yes, you need to keep protecting your baby. Your instincts are not wrong. She isn’t a toy to be trained.

YANBU. I hate that kind of teasing to a child. The child is too young to know its teasing and just gets upset. If she does it again I would take your child away from the situation and then say to her something along the lines of 'I know you're just teasing but she 's too young to realise that yet and she doesn't like it.'

Tell her "Nobody puts baby in the corner"

Your DD isn't a toy for your SIL's amusement, she's a person. You are not being over sensitive, I think you handled things really well in what you said, and have been polite yet direct. If she does it again I'd say something along the lines of "we've spoken about this before haven't we? Do you remember what I said?" If she continues to act like an entitled child, treat her like one! Take the toy/keys off her and tell her she can have them back when she can behave nicely.

Your baby’s emotions and thoughts aren’t sophisticated enough for you to be that wound up over this
She’s too little for you to get so pissed about it. She won’t exagtly be scarred by it YABU

A family friend once did similar to my cat when she was a kitten. He never did it again as I went spare.

Angryordisappointed64 what a stupid thing to say. Of course being afraid early in life has an impact on children, even if they don’t remember what it was that scared them. Repeated exposure to feat has a huge impact on neurological development.

I'd just say she's too young to understand this is funny, you'll have to wait til she's old enough to understand.

I'm nearly 50 and I can't see the funny side. They could be waiting a very long time.

She’s 1, who cares? If she was 4 or something then I could understand but at the age of 1, she’s not going to care or remember

She probably won't remember those specific events but it will be influencing her behaviour and at a very young age, so it could become quite fixed. It's really not good for her to learn she can be cornered like that.

You’re being over-sensitive she’s one. You’ll get the shock of ya life when she starts school grin come back when you have real issues

School will probably be shit, yes. So IMO it's better if she starts school feeling confident and assured and knowing her parents will help her out. She's being set up for a lifetime of bullying at school and beyond if she learns now that it's OK to treat her in this way.

SIL will then restrain her

All of what you've said sounds horrible, but this is downright fucking dangerous.

If your daughter is attempting to get away and your SIL is physically restraining her from doing so, there can be a negative impact on muscles and joints, especially as they're still developing, and there can be a negative impact on breathing.

Your SIL needs to be told what she's doing is dangerous and she needs to stop.

Who cares? How will you cope when she starts primary ?

Just to be clear. I am not saying that this will have any neuro developmental impact but saying that a child is too young to remember so it doesn’t matter, is completely misinformed.

That's so selfish and horrible. Babies are not cuddly toys.

@Angryordisappointed64

Using justifications about her not remembering it when she’s grown up doesn’t make it ok to upset a 1 year old!

I am with you op, I can’t stand people winding babies and children up for their own amusement.

Babies are meant to be enjoyed by the whole family. You’re being selfish denying your SIL a bit of fun with your kid. Calm down it’s no biggie

YY to the visceral reaction/power and control thing - not to drip feed, but I had an older cousin who used to wind up us younger children to the point of hysteria and who would also physically restrain us. It was never his fault though, always ours for being too sensitive. He's grown up to a be a nasty bully. I still have an absolute hatred of being unable to move (to the point where I absolutely refused to lie on my back during childbirth) or being jumped out at. Silly perhaps, and maybe it does make me oversensitive to seeing something like this happen to DD

@allygee I have a much older son, I can assure you I know very well what happens when they go school! And it isn't being restrained and teased by adults

She won’t exagtly be scarred by it YABU

Of course she will. Many attachment and developmental disorders have roots in experiences that the person doesn't remember. If the experience is repeated often enough, which is happening here, then the neurological development is affected. Deliberately exposing children to unhappy experiences is deeply unhealthy even if "they won't remember it". Do you think all development happens after the age of 3?

But it's not fun for my daughter, it's only fun for SIL.