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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Cards against humanity - angry friend

418 replies

CareBear50 · 01/01/2020 22:20

Last night we had a bit of a get together with v close friends and family. There were about 5 or 6 of us. I had been given Cards Against Humanity for Christmas and decided to play a game of it.

I explained the premise of the game to everyone and explained how it worked. I said some might find it offensive (and gave some harsh examples) but just wanted to make sure everyone was ok about it before we played as I knew some people might not like it. I explained if they were uncomfortable it was perfectly fine to say no. No one objected.

Everyone played the game.

Anyway - I called in to my friends house earlier to say hi and he had a go at me four times, complaining that the game was not ok. On four separate occasions I told him that I had given him the opportunity to opt out, along with everyone else, and if he didn't want to play that was fine. In the end I told him you have no right to complain after the fact, if you say nothing when we were playing it or before we started, as I am not a mind-reader and in such a small group you could easily have aired your concerns.

This person is normally quite vocal and no shrinking violet.

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 02/01/2020 10:47

OP has his wife said anything to you since you played the game?

Alexandrite · 02/01/2020 10:49

And Telegraph readers

chomalungma · 02/01/2020 10:50

And meat eaters.

CareBear50 · 02/01/2020 10:53

@ineedaholidaynow

No wife has not said anything yet about the fallout. I'm going to let the dust settle for a few days yet before I'm ready to discuss it. Currently I'm feeling pretty annoyed with mate and pretty annoyed with myself and just wish we hadn't played the fucking game.

I think they might need time to decompress. I know I do!

OP posts:
itsaboojum · 02/01/2020 11:01

@CareBear50

YANBU.

Perhaps you need to go back to basic principles and check your friends understand the difference between "game" and "real life".

LolaDarkdestroyer · 02/01/2020 11:02

Hilarious

Cards against humanity - angry friend
JamieVardysHavingAParty · 02/01/2020 11:05

I think you need to focus less on jow many times you asked him if he wanted to play, and more on what happened and what was said during the game. If he feels you missold the game, it doesn't matter how many times you described it and sought his agreement.

I don't like CAH, because to remain fun, games rely on people having similar degrees of self-regulation. Otherwise it descends into people saying the most racist and misogynist things and laughing at how "unPC" they are.

So what happened?

Stefoscope · 02/01/2020 11:08

I'd probably just leave it at this point, it's not like you're ever going to play it with him again Grin. If his wife's not mentioned it chances are she thinks he's overreacted.

misspiggy19 · 02/01/2020 11:12

Interesting that they removed the trans card but are fine with racism, rape, paedophilia hmm

^This

everythingthelighttouches · 02/01/2020 11:12

You had people round and you decided to play a game which you thought some people wouldn’t like.

Knowing this, you then asked them all to speak up in front of the others if they didn’t want to play, this putting them in the position of preventing the game being played.

This is just really bad hosting! You’re meant to take your guests into consideration.

AutumnRose1 · 02/01/2020 11:15

If anyone had said “no” would you have played a different game?

Retrofitted · 02/01/2020 11:17

I’ve been in a similar situation, from the pov of the friend.

Heard about the game, seen some sample cards, understood the premise, and invited to play by friends.

The friends are our besties of a quarter of a century standing, with many shared traumas, joys, tragedies, and millions of shared laughs, including deep gallows humour, extensive smut, and lots of sarcasm, irony, and close to the bone stuff. And we love each other very much and respect one another.

I thought I was up for it. I thought I’d find it hilarious. Had nearly bought the game for my own family but just hadn’t got around to it yet.

My emotional reaction to the game was totally unexpected, and really strong. Soooooo uncomfortable, upsetting, and beyond my tolerance completely.

It took me a while to pluck up the courage to admit that I was not in any way ok with it, and we needed to stop.

It still bothers me now, years later, some of the combinations that were put together in the gameplay. I can’t un-see them being used as play.

I was the only one who had that reaction to it, but it was absolutely accepted by the group and we never played again when I was present. No one made me feel bad about it or called me names.

Thing is, it’s meant to provoke emotional response, and for some people that’s going to go in a direction they did not anticipate.

I get that you’re upset at him for raising it the next day - it’s made you feel bad, and I expect on some level you resent him for that, but also maybe you feel bad that he had a crappy experience in your home despite your best efforts not to.

My friends were upset that the intended fun turned out to be pretty horrible for me, but they didn’t get angry with me for my reaction.

AutumnRose1 · 02/01/2020 11:17

isottooearlyforgin

“ anyone who is genuinely racist, homophobic etc would probably not find it funny”

Why do you think that, please?

CareBear50 · 02/01/2020 11:17

if anyone had said “no” would you have played a different game*

Of course. I have said that multiple times

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 02/01/2020 11:18

X post Care Bear

Sorry, I missed that, I didn’t know if it was “just sit it out” as a couple of posters have said.

AxeOfKindness · 02/01/2020 11:19

Turns out that my very responsible, sensible, grown-up mum is excellent at the Harry Potter version of this game. I can't remember the last time I heard her cackle so much.

The point being, you never really know what people are going to enjoy or hate unless they speak up!

I don't think it's something only horrendous people play - like most humour, it's a safe release valve for people. In this case as a way to deal with awful things. Think 'gallows humour'.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 02/01/2020 11:20

Buy Concept or Monikers instead.

Retrofitted · 02/01/2020 11:20

It’s really hard to be the one who says “actually no, I’m not ok with this”

In effect, you are in the position of passing judgement of the fact that others are finding it funny, while you are vetoing that laughter on grounds of taste.

It’s impossible to do that without being “prudish” no matter how polite you are about it.

PanicAndRun · 02/01/2020 11:23

I have a friend I particularly play it with. Between the two of us we cover all types of abuse (from neglect to CSA and rape), some mental health issues, and while we're both white she grew up dirt poor American trailer park and I'm from a country that gets a lot of bad press and as a result I faced discrimination and abuse.

CareBear50 · 02/01/2020 11:24

!!!
I get that you’re upset at him for raising it the next day - it’s made you feel bad, and I expect on some level you resent him for that, but also maybe you feel bad that he had a crappy experience in your home despite your best efforts not to.!!!

This pretty much sums up how I'm feeling. I will never play the game again with anyone. Also difficult when People on here are saying you're a crap friend or a crap host. That was absolutely not my intention. I just wanted everyone to have a good night and it backfired massively

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 02/01/2020 11:24

Do you really want to remain friends with someone like this, OP?
Why would he want to remain friends with the OP?

YouCannotBeeSerious · 02/01/2020 11:27

Cards Against Disney is even better!

Brefugee · 02/01/2020 11:32

I really want to try Cards against Muggles - maybe I'll try that next instead of the period expansion pack.

PP complained about thread drift, but surely that's part of MN? to open up discussions.

AFAIK the trans card hasn't been removed. I'll ask my DC next time they play the game if it's in there, and what their trans friends think.

TBH people who play and enjoy the game tend not to want to play it with people who don't like it, and so IME don't bother, they then play something else like Exploding Kittens (note: no actual kitten exploding occurs) or Know Your Meme (by the CAH people, a bit near the knuckle but not as much as CAH) or something else.

I think the only U part would be trying to force someone to play.

Thelastlittledragon · 02/01/2020 11:33

Well that's an eye-opener. I clearly have been living under a rock for my whole life as I'd never heard of it before. Some of those combinations especially the Jade Goody one, are just truly awful. Honest to God some people need to take a good hard look at themselves if they think it's ok to play this 'game'.

As for the question, you gave him the chance to say no and he didn't but how much social pressure was there?

CareBear50 · 02/01/2020 11:36

Do you really want to remain friends with someone like this, OP?

Why would he want to remain friends with the OP?###

I don't understand why one game that went down like a cold bucket of sick will mean we can't be friends??? Mumsnet can often be so black and white!

OP posts: