Cards against humanity - angry friend

[CareBear50]

Last night we had a bit of a get together with v close friends and family. There were about 5 or 6 of us. I had been given Cards Against Humanity for Christmas and decided to play a game of it.

I explained the premise of the game to everyone and explained how it worked. I said some might find it offensive (and gave some harsh examples) but just wanted to make sure everyone was ok about it before we played as I knew some people might not like it. I explained if they were uncomfortable it was perfectly fine to say no. No one objected.

Everyone played the game.

Anyway - I called in to my friends house earlier to say hi and he had a go at me four times, complaining that the game was not ok. On four separate occasions I told him that I had given him the opportunity to opt out, along with everyone else, and if he didn't want to play that was fine. In the end I told him you have no right to complain after the fact, if you say nothing when we were playing it or before we started, as I am not a mind-reader and in such a small group you could easily have aired your concerns.

This person is normally quite vocal and no shrinking violet.

Was I being unreasonable?

###as for the question, you gave him the chance to say no and he didn't but how much social pressure was there?###

None whatsoever

Aw OP, it’s not your fault. Really it’s not. I totally get how it came about, and if he didn’t say at the time there really not any way you would know.

Do be forgiving of his reaction though if you can, and make friends again soon with a big hug and a sorry all round.

I very nearly didn’t manage to speak up while the game was going on. It was so hard to publicly be the “prude” and have to deal with how I was feeling about it and try to explain to myself and the gang why I wanted to stop. I didn’t understand myself why I felt so upset by it, and we’d all been looking forward to it and were a quite drunk and merry.

Its quite a party-pooping move, and I could very easily have chosen to tough it out instead of coming clean.

I can well imagine that if we’d played on, I would have felt worse and worse, more things that upset me would have been read and laughed at, and I’d have gone to bed a-swirl with troubling thoughts, images I didn’t want in my head, and flashbacks to traumas stirring up.

Then the next day, on little sleep and a head-full of horrible, plus a hangover, I’d probably have had words with someone, and been cross with my host for putting me through that, even though they had no way of knowing what wa s going on inside me.

Bear in mind especially that if there is post-traumatic response triggered by the game, it can be simply impossible for that person to articulate or be reasonable about being in that situation, as unintentional as it all may have been.

It was nobody’s fault, no one behaved unreasonably. Forgive, hug, be friends forever, and no more CAH in that company.

I don't understand why one game that went down like a cold bucket of sick will mean we can't be friends???
Because, in his position, I'd be shocked if I found out that people I thought I liked found this kind of thing funny and I would have to think whether I wanted to associate with them any more. It's not about one game it's about finding out what people really think.

The social pressure is intrinsic to the situation.

Imagine being at a tiny comedy gig and being the one to get up and walk out after a gag that really upset you. Everyone looking, your group of happy friends all concerned for you but also now feeling bad that they found it hilarious and not know what to do about it, and everyone’s drunk already, and the evening has hours left to go.

It’s like that only way more intense.

I don't understand why one game that went down like a cold bucket of sick will mean we can't be friends???
Because, in his position, I'd be shocked if I found out that people I thought I liked found this kind of thing funny and I would have to think whether I wanted to associate with them any more. It's not about one game it's about finding out what people really think.

Totally agree

Compromise rather than black and white could help here. OP accepts that friend feels insulted and friend accepts this was not deliberate. Draw a line and move on, don't dwell on it or bring it up again.

I have never played, but the card combinations shown here and from googling, it just looks so unfunny, not particularly offensive just not clever or witty or funny.

I don't understand why one game that went down like a cold bucket of sick will mean we can't be friends???

Because it's not a game, it's life. Once person A has said something that makes person B want to throw up, person B can't just unhear it.

Last night we had a bit of a get together with v close friends and family. There were about 5 or 6 of us. I had been given Cards Against Humanity for Christmas and decided to play a game of it.

This was me and a group of friends on NYE, we played for the first time, we must be living in a little bubble because none of us were aware of the game (apart from the person who owned the game). I have to admit I was a bit shocked by some of the cards, but overall we had a laugh.

Cor blimey, judging by the responses on this thread I think I need to go and touch base to make sure everyone is ok

it’s very much a game for white privileged people to make jokes at the expense of many other marginalised groups.

I am a big fan of CAH, I am not a white, privileged male and do not understand the people who have played it and appear to have learned that the 'most offensive card wins'. That really, really isn't how it works in my experience, it's much 'smarter' than that.

Each player is dealt a hand of cards which provide potential answers.

One player picks a question card from the deck.

The other players each offer a potential answer, the question player picks the answer they find the most amusing.

It can be the actual sentence built, or something they happen to have a thing about, or blind spot about.

In my circle of friends, gratuitously offensive answers very, very seldom get picked. They are just not funny. It's about finding what will hit the spot for the questioner, given the possible answers you have. Offbeat, a connection you had not immediately considered or simply bizarre answers: these are all the ones that have a chance of winning.

It does help to build your understanding of the values and attitudes of the other players. Yes, it is possible to pick an answer that goes down like a lead balloon but even that is interesting to know.

HTH

*Compromise rather than black and white could help here. OP accepts that friend feels insulted and friend accepts this was not deliberate. Draw a line and move on, don't dwell on it or bring it up again.*

What good advice from @Chocmallows

A lovely, reasoned response

Look in regards to your friend, even though you gave some pretty harsh examples before playing the game, maybe once you all started to play and seen everybody laughing it dawned on him he didn't like it. But he would of felt a 'snowflake' in front of all his friends, and didn't feel he could say he didn't want to carry on playing.

You just need to speak to him and say that you thought giving examples would of been enough for him to decide whether he wanted to play or not (which is how you felt) but you are sorry if he was offended. And he needs to understand there was no malice from your side. Job done.

I played the game for the first time at my uncles, everybody laughed..I didn't.

That's not because I'm a 'snowflake' it's just not my sense of humour. My sense of humour is Peter Kay style. Some people like Frankie Boyle. I think he is not one bit funny and is just a dick! But some people love him. I don't hold that against them.

NurseButtercup

Your game may have gone okay. No harm is checking afterwards and it's a good idea, but not all games of CAH cause this amount of emotional fallout.

It depends a lot on how carefully curated the cards were by the deck owner, and the people playing.

Sometimes, people feel that because they can put two cards together to make the most horrendous sentence, they should. If a group has a couple of people playing like that, and one or two people feeling sickened and too uncomfortable to say it, then this is what happens the morning after.

On the other hand, if you were all the kind of people who realised that joking about child rape isn't that funny, even if you have a card about it in your hand, it's probably all okay this morning.

I've never heard of this game, but from the way it's been described, it would have a horrible triggering effect on me, because I suffer from complex PTSD as a result of childhood SA, as does my DSis. Thankfully, those close to me are aware of that and wouldn't even suggest such a game if I was there.

If I'd been drawn into this game at someone's party, I would have found it very upsetting, though unlike your friend, I would have made my excuses and left the game. That's what your friend should have done, but he probably didn't want to come across as a prude in front of you all.

His response to you was OTT, but he may have been more triggered than he thought he would be by the game. If you hadn't seen him so soon afterwards, then I suspect he wouldn't have said anything about it.

I think the difficulty with leaving a game of CAH midway is that you don't know how everyone else will react. In theory it should be fine but if you're feeling uncomfortable and that you've misjudged the game and your friends (because they're fine with playing it) then you might also worry that they'll question why you're leaving, try to cajole you into staying or that they'll try to work out which card was triggering/upsetting.

OP, you wanted your friends to have a good night and they didn't. It wasn't deliberate but I think it is your responsibility as host to smooth it over, and to recognise that stopping playing isn't as simple as saying I'm unhappy. It's also worth realising that if you have to ask if people are ok with playing a game then that game isn't the right choice for the company. Most games don't need a trigger warning.

Q: ###as for the question, you gave him the chance to say no and he didn't but how much social pressure was there?###

A:None whatsoever

I'm not sure that any party has the sole right to declare that there was/not social pressure.

As per a PP's example there can be implicit pressure. We see enough examples on MN of passive aggressive social situations(even gifts) to which people are expected to react politely. And some people can more subject to coercion than others depending upon their previous experiences and they certainly don't want to be further coerced into explaining those experiences to others.

The link about about the white fraternity clique who developed the idea was interesting.

I wonder if the friend and his wife have discussed her claim that he would be fine about the game?

@AutumnRose1 because then it would be a matter of fact. The humour lies in the contrary nature of the statements. I get that people would find this offensive and tbh Some of the cards I’m not wild about but I also know that while I’ve played and enjoyed this game with friends, if I felt they harboured racist or homophobic attitudes, they absolutely would not be my friends anymore.

I am not a white privileged Male.
I've played and had a laugh whilst doing it.

Only one card got removed once due to a recent death in the family. Otherwise all cards in all the time.

Madeleine McCann card usually wins the round if played right. Or anything with anal.

Please don't play with your children. The answer card of "Mufasa's Death Scene" might be too much for them.

isittooearlyforgin “ because then it would be a matter of fact”

Which they might still find funny.

If a joke sums up my prejudices- yes, I admit to having them - I’m going to laugh. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I played it for the first time over the holidays. Based on what I have heard about it, it was far more mundane than I was anticipating!

For those saying that they are surprised some older relatives like playing it (and not just those with dementia), at Christmas we were discussing a number of things with relatives of older generation including the latest racism issues in football. They didn't see a problem with it, been happening for years, the players should get over it. In the same way they can't understand why people find some tv programmes from the 70s offensive now, both from racist or sexist point of view. It's all gone too far, it's just a joke etc etc. Sexism in the workplace is how it always was, just accept it.

So I assume some older people playing CAH are not finding it offensive at all but enjoying being able to laugh about things they think are absolutely fine without being pulled up about it by the younger generation.

" This pretty much sums up how I'm feeling. I will never play the game again with anyone. Also difficult when People on here are saying you're a crap friend or a crap host. That was absolutely not my intention. I just wanted everyone to have a good night and it backfired massively "

CareBear, you meant well, which is why you are upset too; you did not intend to cause upset. Retrofitted comments above should help you understand friend's position.

There are hundreds of games around which do not rely on being offensive to create (embarrassed) laughter but rather use the players to create the fun and laughter. Choose those games next time.

We have a very Christian friend who sits quietly with us as we play this game - she never joins in but equally she doesn't leave the room in horror. This is generally accepted as a good compromise

I guess you either get it or you don't

How patronising. I get it. I hate the game. That doesn’t make you any better than me.

CAH is brilliant, it’s a firm favourite in our house.

@CrazyCatLady yeah, it’s obvious what kind of house that must be.

We have a very Christian friend who sits quietly with us as we play this game - she never joins in but equally she doesn't leave the room in horror. This is generally accepted as a good compromise

Why would you choose a game you know someone doesn’t want to play? What is it about the game that it is more important to play it, than to be a good host and make sure your guests are included?

I can’t imagine inviting guests to play games then picking one I knew a good friend wouldn’t play.