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Original poster

Cards against humanity - angry friend

418 replies

CareBear50 · 01/01/2020 22:20

Last night we had a bit of a get together with v close friends and family. There were about 5 or 6 of us. I had been given Cards Against Humanity for Christmas and decided to play a game of it.

I explained the premise of the game to everyone and explained how it worked. I said some might find it offensive (and gave some harsh examples) but just wanted to make sure everyone was ok about it before we played as I knew some people might not like it. I explained if they were uncomfortable it was perfectly fine to say no. No one objected.

Everyone played the game.

Anyway - I called in to my friends house earlier to say hi and he had a go at me four times, complaining that the game was not ok. On four separate occasions I told him that I had given him the opportunity to opt out, along with everyone else, and if he didn't want to play that was fine. In the end I told him you have no right to complain after the fact, if you say nothing when we were playing it or before we started, as I am not a mind-reader and in such a small group you could easily have aired your concerns.

This person is normally quite vocal and no shrinking violet.

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
GreytExpectations · 02/01/2020 21:30

Dark humour is finding a funny side in stuff you actually experience, in order to get through it.

No, this isn't true. Dark humour is defined as genre that makes light of subject matter that is generally considered taboo, particularly subjects that are normally considered serious or painful to discuss. It's got nothing to do with your personal experience of that topic. Therefore, CAH is indeed about dark humour.

AutumnRose1 · 02/01/2020 21:35

“ But the friend didn’t find it hard to criticise FOUR TIMES in the aftermath”

That sounds like a row, essentially- he was upset and made his point four times.

Choma I agree you don’t really know anyone’s history.

GreytExpectations · 02/01/2020 21:37

It's not so much their sense of humour - more like why would someone want to say something that could really upset someone else - even by accident. I don't get that

Again, it is sense of humour you are judging. Playing the game is not the same as just randomly saying a dark humour joke to an acqaintence. The whole premise of the game is that the jokes are of an offensive nature and most people play it with others who have a similar sense of humour. Anyone can be offended by anything but that doesn't mean we should judge peoples various sense of humour. If someone is upset with something said during the game then it's up to them to manage that whether that be speaking up and calling out someone, refuse to play the game or stay quiet and not play again. We are all adults and should be able to manage our own boundaries.

chomalungma · 02/01/2020 21:41

If someone is upset with something said during the game then it's up to them to manage that whether that be speaking up and calling out someone, refuse to play the game or stay quiet and not play again

You would agree that there is the potential for someone to be upset - and I use the word upset deliberately. Not offended

And then you expect that person to call them out or be quiet?

Here's a thought - why not try to not say things that could upset someone else in the first place?

And this game seems to have a lot of potential to really get people to even accidentally say something upsetting without realisiing it. Especially if it's played when people are drunk - as has been suggested.

chomalungma · 02/01/2020 21:43

The whole premise of the game is that the jokes are of an offensive nature and most people play it with others who have a similar sense of humour

It's not about the humour. How do you know that if you played this when you were a bit drunk that you could say something about cancer, abortion, rape or miscarriage in a selection of cards that could really upset someone.

Why would you want to play a game where you could accidentally do that?

LemonPrism · 02/01/2020 21:44

Hahahahaha it's certainly a dark and offensive game but he needs to get over it. That's the point - it's a dark humour game.

I've played it with my dad.

My favourite card is the one that just says 'Bees...?' I don't know why but it just gets me every time

theflushedzebra · 02/01/2020 21:47

I agree, it's funny, the different idea of humour people have - someone said upthread that fans of CAH would be fans of Jimmy Carr and Frankie Boyle - but I don't particularly like either of them tbh.

I'm a fan of a lot of black comedy though - so it's nice to see that Guardian article, Greyt - and yes, I would laugh at the example joke they gave. Grin

theflushedzebra · 02/01/2020 21:48

My favourite card is the one that just says 'Bees...?' I don't know why but it just gets me every time

Yes, me too! Grin

GreytExpectations · 02/01/2020 21:54

@chomalungma because people want to play the game? I understand people have triggers and respect that but they take that risk when they willingly play a game that has offensive subject matters. I don't think it's fair to suggest we stop playing a game many people enjoy because it may upset someone, otherwise when does it all end?

You keep saying it isn't about humour but it is. Dark humour is a specific type of comedy and even if it offends someone, it is still a type of humour

LolaSmiles · 02/01/2020 21:56

If someone is upset with something said during the game then it's up to them to manage that whether that be speaking up and calling out someone, refuse to play the game or stay quiet and not play again. We are all adults and should be able to manage our own boundaries.
That's how I feel.

It's infantalising to adults to argue that the poor adult couldn't help but play a game that's known to contain offensive content, even after being told multiple times what the game involves with examples of the content. Having had that information the adult couldn't possibly decline to play the game and then when they were unhappy with the content they couldn't possibly challenge the content and the couldn't possibly withdraw from the game. Of course they can absolutely find time to complain multiple times later because naturally it's everyone else's fault.

I've been at social events where people have played drinking games. I don't enjoy them so I refrain from participating. If I was to take a leaf out of the OP friend's book, I should have allowed friends to explain the drinking game to me multiple times, then play the game and drink lots, wake up with a hangover the next day and then complain to my friends for causing my hangover because I'm not responsible for my own actions.

chomalungma · 02/01/2020 21:58

I don't think it's fair to suggest we stop playing a game many people enjoy because it may upset someone, otherwise when does it all end

Yes - people do have triggers. I just hope you don't go upsetting someone that you care about - even accidentally.

GreytExpectations · 02/01/2020 22:00

Well said @LolaSmiles we really can't be held responsible for what may upset others when they choose the play a knowingly offensive game

theflushedzebra · 02/01/2020 22:03

In our family Pictionary is banned. It caused an incredible family row - how ridiculous is that?

And yet we breeze through CAH Grin

chomalungma · 02/01/2020 22:03

Having had that information the adult couldn't possibly decline to play the game and then when they were unhappy with the content they couldn't possibly challenge the content and the couldn't possibly withdraw from the game

Maybe in front of a group of people, in front of a group of friends and family, he didn't want to say. Because he didn't want to upset others?

Maybe some people find it hard to challenge others?

Social pressure, peer pressure. Not wanting to rock the boat. Some people are like that.

MopsRUs · 02/01/2020 22:04

The 6 men who videoed a model of Grenfell Tower being burned, with paper figures at the windows, were arrested under a Public Order Act after it ended up on the internet and neighbours reported it as a potential hate crime. This was even though it occurred at a private party.

GreytExpectations · 02/01/2020 22:05

I just hope you don't go upsetting someone that you care about - even accidentally.
The circles of people I socialise with are very honest and aren't afraid to advise if they are upset about something and we are all mature enough to move past it after quick apologies, so I doubt that will be an issue. Also, they realise its just a game and don't obsess over its meaning as much as you seem to be doing.

You keep asking why I would play a game that could potentially upset someone? Well it's because I don't agree with infatalising adults and like the take responsibility for my own bounderies so would expect others to do the same.

GreytExpectations · 02/01/2020 22:07

Social pressure, peer pressure. Not wanting to rock the boat. Some people are like that.

And that's their issue to work out. As an adult, you have to manage various social situations. Choosing to partake in a game that has strong adult themes when you may be offended by those themes is nobody else's responsibility to manage but your own.

chomalungma · 02/01/2020 22:13

And that's their issue to work out

As an adult, you have to manage various social situations

I suppose we come from different perspectives on this. I wouldn't want to upset someone, even accidentally, and other people would say that - you chose to take part in a game that could be upsetting and that's your choice.

Which is why I wouldn't play such a game and others would.

LolaSmiles · 02/01/2020 22:13

Maybe in front of a group of people, in front of a group of friends and family, he didn't want to say. Because he didn't want to upset others?
Maybe some people find it hard to challenge others?
Social pressure, peer pressure. Not wanting to rock the boat. Some people are like that.
He was given multiple opportunities.
I've played the game, think it can range from awkwardly funny through to horribly offensive depending on the group of people playing it. Ultimately I am responsible for my actions. I can choose to play or not. To challenge things I consider offensive or ignore.

It's fairly unreasonable to expect social gatherings to run around "but what if someone doesn't want to stand out... But what if they feel peer pressure".

Based on your "but what if..." then nobody should have played drinking games at a parties I've been at because I don't enjoy them and if I chose to play them then my drinking and my subsequent hangover is the responsibility of my friends because they should have refrained from any game.

If I go on nights out and people start drinking shots in rounds then they shouldn't because someone in the group might decide to repeatedly drink shots instead of declining because they don't want to.

There should be no karaoke because someone might not want to say they don't like it and ends up embarrassed the next day because they chose to do karaoke.

The world is a sorry place when the responsibility for an individual's conduct is placed on those around them rather than the individual themselves.

chomalungma · 02/01/2020 22:17

There should be no karaoke because someone might not want to say they don't like it and ends up embarrassed the next day because they chose to do karaoke

Depends if the person could be really upset by karaoke and it would really spoil the night for them?

The world is a sorry place when the responsibility for an individual's conduct is placed on those around them rather than the individual themselves

The world is a better place when people in a group think of others as well as themselves.

GreytExpectations · 02/01/2020 22:19

Which is why I wouldn't play such a game and others would.

Which is fair enough but maybe don't judge people for their sense of humour? You keep making this assumption that someone who has a dark sense of humour doesn't care about others, it's very condescending and implies you think you are better than us. When really, we just have different opinions on humour.

theflushedzebra · 02/01/2020 22:20

Ofgs choma. By your reasoning, nobody would ever do anything, or play anything for fear of offending someone.

Elindab · 02/01/2020 22:21

This seems weird to me. If he was upset, why shouldn't he say so the next day? People should express their feelings in a friendship?

GreytExpectations · 02/01/2020 22:22

The world is a better place when people in a group think of others as well as themselves.

No, that's not what you are saying. You are suggesting infantalising adults and policing humour.

Elindab · 02/01/2020 22:22

Like, all these people seem to be suggesting that he lost his right to express his thoughts because he didn't speak up at the time. But there's no time limit on it. You can speak up any time.