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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s acceptable to leave an 9yo girl at a party unsupervised

256 replies

Louise0701 · 01/01/2020 21:10

Sorry if this is a long post but wanted to include as much info as possible.
Back in October I booked a “pamper party” for my daughter and 10 friends. It’s drop - off only in a very reputable salon on a very busy high street with plenty of shops, coffee shops & restaurants.
It’s afternoon tea with a hairstyle, kids manicure and pedicure (nail painting) and games at the end.
All the mums were made aware it was drop off only when I sent out the invitations and everyone was fine with it. We all arranged to go to the restaurant over the road for a child free lunch whilst we waited for the girls. The party is for 2 hours and is this Saturday.
One of the mums who has been my friend for 5 years has texted me today saying she’s not happy about leaving her daughter with a stranger so she won’t be attending unless she can stay. I have forwarded her the email from the salon with all the party details where it states it’s drop off only. Her daughter is the oldest girl attending at 9.
As it’s only 3 days before the party I’m still going to be charged for her place. DD is gutted she isn’t going. Im annoyed that she’s known for 2 months and has only just told me today she’s not happy with the arrangement. She’s now said she will let her come and she will stand outside and watch through the window?
I can’t decide if I’m being petty and precious because DD has had a shitty year in and out of hospital and she’s really excited for this party?
So.... AIBU to think it’s fine to leave a 9 year old for 2 hours at a party?

OP posts:
YellowJellyfish · 02/01/2020 15:14

What a CF, I'm raging on your behalf!!

madmumofteens · 02/01/2020 15:19

Well done OP what a CF!!

carly2803 · 02/01/2020 15:48

i actually agree with the mother but i think its shitty leaving it solongtosay so!

i wouldnt leave my kids there alone, at least 1 adult should be present

Aragog · 02/01/2020 15:53

Im surprised that you won't be staying there, as one supervising adult. That seems pretty strange to me - never known a party for young children with no known supervising adult being on the premises tbh.

Aragog · 02/01/2020 15:59

She is definitely being unreasonable about expecting her 4y to be allowed to join in. How unfair on her dd1 to not allow her to attend just because dd2 can't join in!

cabbageking · 02/01/2020 16:01

Are you sure you have this right? I'm not sure the salon are in the clear to do this legally unless they are all crb checked and first aid trained etc. There are so many hoops to jump through that it's not viable for most businesses. I've never heard of this and would brace yourself for them wanting you to stay on the day - you might have to forgo your lunch and perhaps attend your daughters party to help celebrate with her.

They don't need CRB now DBS checks etc. The onus is on the parents to protect the children and decide what is safe.
Personally I wouldn't want x strange children alone with staff. It leaves the staff open to allegations along with the safety of the children.
Do they ask for medical conditions and allergy information etc?

I would expect that a condition of the party is that there MUST be X adults remaining on the premises per x amount of children. It is simply not sensible or safe to have unaccompanied children with strangers who are not required to have any back ground checks.
This isn't a registered activity and staff could have sex offences/ violence etc and work in the salon without any issues
It would worry me that they don't demand some parental supervision.

PuppyMonkey · 02/01/2020 16:02

What’s the betting she turns up anyway with the 4 yo and the 9 yo? Grin

Original poster
Louise0701 · 02/01/2020 16:04

Like I’ve said I am staying at the party. I misunderstand the email. Yes she is DBS checked and had full insurance and these parties are actually very common in the city we live in.
Definitely don’t have to “brace myself” sorry you seem to think I’m a shit mother because I thought I couldn’t stay so arranged to be 30 seconds away instead .....

OP posts:
Whoops75 · 02/01/2020 16:05

Is this really true OP or just a way to divert the attention from yourself Hmm

If true tell the salon she is not on the list and isn’t to be added if the mother asks and offers to pay.

LaneBoy · 02/01/2020 16:07

Wow what a CF! Glad you found out now rather than have an awkward situation with the 4yo. Still not fair you’re out of pocket though

Snugglemonster84 · 02/01/2020 16:08

Sorry but I'm inclined to agree with her. Are you sure you haven't got muddled and you as the party organiser needs to stay?
I understand the others can't because there won't be space in the salon. If you were to stay the other mum would probably be fine about leaving. And she's probably just realised that

happycamper11 · 02/01/2020 16:10

But your AIBU question was whether people should be fine with dropping their child to a party when're they would be unsupervised by adults part from salon staff. You are still unreasonable for that - the fact it was a misunderstanding shows it. Of course at least one parent has to be present. The cheeky addition of the 4 year old is kind of a red herring

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 02/01/2020 16:11

Mmmm I'm working my way through RTFT and the more I do the more I'm seeing there's quite a few factors to consider, it isn't as blank and white as yes/no.

As has been discussed unless it's made clear the party parent isn't staying I also would assume he/she was. I can't actually think of another scenario where you would leave a group of 8/9 year olds with an unfamiliar adult behind closed doors.

Also whilst they aren't 5 year olds so are probably aware of strange danger, no chance of injury like you'd have with littlies, this age group and in particular girls, have another concern - bullying or nastiness. Especially if one or more has their phone and is likely to want to post on SM. I'd really want to be on site just to pop my head in occasionally to check all's well.

I don't think this is at all over protective just realistic. I've recently heard of a girls party where one guest (queen bee type) waited until birthday mums back was turned and swiftly grabbed the head of the shy girl seated next to her and shoved her face into her food, not just resulting in a messy face but a badly bruised nose too. Of course it was all smiles and faux concern over "accidentally " knocking her once mum came back Confused

I agree her timing of telling you could perhaps have been better.

Drum2018 · 02/01/2020 16:13

@Snugglemonster84 and many other posters - RTFT!

nowaypose · 02/01/2020 16:15

Meh, people do like to wrap their children in cotton wool nowadays and it feels rather suffocating and controlling. I have always left my DC at birthday parties from the age of 6/7 onwards, I don’t understand why parents stay. It would have been weird for parents to hang around at parties when I was a child, I’m not sure why it’s the norm now.

MRex · 02/01/2020 16:17

If it were me I'd have thought "drop-off only" meant only the birthday child's mum was staying. Over the road might be fine, it depends on how sensible they are to cross that road and get you if anybody's uncomfortable (and presumably at least one has a phone to call you?). Have you confirmed that all treatments are in one room and there's no opportunity nor reason for the girls to be separated?

greenlynx · 02/01/2020 16:18

Of course, now this mum is very unreasonable. Who does this ? Staying with 4 years old in hope that they could join! It’s absurd.
By the way I’ve had a couple of times this situation when someone didn’t come at the very short notice. At some places they won’t return already paid money but could provide something extra : we had once temporary tattoos for girls and once extra plate of chips - depends on place of course, but worth to ask.

happycamper11 · 02/01/2020 16:24

I have always left my DC at birthday parties from the age of 6/7 onwards, I don’t understand why parents stay. It would have been weird for parents to hang around at parties when I was a child, I’m not sure why it’s the norm now.

What even the birthday child don't have a parent stay at 6 and 7 as that's what OP is talking about ?Because in 10 years worth of party's I've never ever come across this. Of course it's ok to drop if there is a parent supervising but that's not what was being asked

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 02/01/2020 16:25

Can posters really not see the difference with this and leaving kids at an after school club/activity?! Confused

OP apologies, have now caught up! Well done you, what a CF the mum turned out to be! You handled it well.

Hope your DD has a great party 🎉

FancyAMincePie · 02/01/2020 16:41

Can posters really not see the difference with this and leaving kids at an after school club/activity?!

I would assume for one if this was a school club/activity the organisers would understand their obligations around safeguarding and be DBS checked- in a salon this would not be the case?

MrsLinManuelMiranda · 02/01/2020 16:45

On what planet is it ok to foist another child into a party where they have not been invited and not care that the host will have to pay a large extra amount if this happens? People set numbers based on capacity and budget for a reason
On planet Mumsnet apparently! I am amazed at the amount of people who think it should be fine for them to bring siblings along to a party, as they don't want little Johnnie to feel left out, or if they are staying there is no one to look after their other 5 Kids child.

cabbageking · 02/01/2020 16:51

I know the problem is now sorted as you are now staying to supervise the activity.

But people need to ask for evidence of DBS checks because saying you have one or having one does not mean you don't have offences, especially if it is the boss and they check other peoples offences. They are free to decide what is and what is not acceptable themselves.

What is unacceptable in one place can be acceptable in another.
It is the employer that decides and not the DBS certificate.

If the boss has offences with children and they are vetting other DBS checks, their threshold is much lower.

There are differences between how schools and social services handle and view offences. There are differences between policies in different areas and outside regulated work there are no requirements about not employing violent or sexual offenders.

We need to be asking for evidence when we leave our children with strangers, new child minders, childrens entertainers, etc

WorldsOnFire · 02/01/2020 17:07

Like I said earlier, I would have been apprehensive about leaving DC at the party if no parent was staying.

But you misunderstood and have rectified it now, absolutely no the behaviour of a ‘shit parent’.

It’s also pretty clear now that your friend was not entirely motivated out of concern for her DD but was planning to be a CF and thrust her 4yo into the mix. Entirely unreasonable behaviour on her part.

CupoTeap · 02/01/2020 20:45

What a cf

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 02/01/2020 21:29

Your friend is a CF but ugh to having a pamper party for 9 year old girls. I don’t think that, if I had a daughter of that age, I would let her go. Thankfully I only have boys.