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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s acceptable to leave an 9yo girl at a party unsupervised

256 replies

Louise0701 · 01/01/2020 21:10

Sorry if this is a long post but wanted to include as much info as possible.
Back in October I booked a “pamper party” for my daughter and 10 friends. It’s drop - off only in a very reputable salon on a very busy high street with plenty of shops, coffee shops & restaurants.
It’s afternoon tea with a hairstyle, kids manicure and pedicure (nail painting) and games at the end.
All the mums were made aware it was drop off only when I sent out the invitations and everyone was fine with it. We all arranged to go to the restaurant over the road for a child free lunch whilst we waited for the girls. The party is for 2 hours and is this Saturday.
One of the mums who has been my friend for 5 years has texted me today saying she’s not happy about leaving her daughter with a stranger so she won’t be attending unless she can stay. I have forwarded her the email from the salon with all the party details where it states it’s drop off only. Her daughter is the oldest girl attending at 9.
As it’s only 3 days before the party I’m still going to be charged for her place. DD is gutted she isn’t going. Im annoyed that she’s known for 2 months and has only just told me today she’s not happy with the arrangement. She’s now said she will let her come and she will stand outside and watch through the window?
I can’t decide if I’m being petty and precious because DD has had a shitty year in and out of hospital and she’s really excited for this party?
So.... AIBU to think it’s fine to leave a 9 year old for 2 hours at a party?

OP posts:
Shookethtothecore · 02/01/2020 21:32

@mushy why? I’d the kids like that thing at that age (and a lot do) why not let them, pampering yourself and taking time for yourself is a good thing to teach children. Some people like books, some people like salons- whatever floats your boat but it’s no damage trying different things out at that age to see what you like?

Foodtheif · 02/01/2020 21:35

I wouldn’t be able to leave my child (as much as I would want to) die to a medical condition so I would need to stay or be in the building reading a book somewhere close. I would love to drop my daughter and go but just can’t anymore. Your friend must have a reason.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 02/01/2020 21:38

@shook perhaps I’m old fashioned but I hate the idea of young girls having painted nails and spending their time “making themselves look pretty”. I think that it gives them distorted values of what is important in life. As I said, thankfully I only have older boys!

Shookethtothecore · 02/01/2020 21:46

@mushy they plait their hair and put glitter in. I have 2 boys and a daughter and one of my sons would sit in the bath with a bath bomb for hours if I let him and wears aftershave to school. He’s 9, he likes the smell. It’s nothing to do with vanity at that age it’s playing

thirdfiddle · 02/01/2020 21:52

My DD (and DS) would agree with you mushypeas. Then there is no point in my childhood when I wouldn't have regarded such a thing with horror. I guess if kids have parents who do nails etc then it's playing at being grown up. As far as DD is concerned nail varnish is "ugh that stinks" and hair brushing is a disruption to reading or playing time. I guess they find friends who share their tastes, none of DDs friends have had parties like that.

Figgygal · 02/01/2020 21:56

Your friend is a total cf
Can’t believe the cheek re: the 4yo

iolaus · 02/01/2020 22:00

I'd have been fine with a 'drop off' party when I thought that the parent(s) of the birthday child would be there (in actual fact I think one of mine was about 5/6 when most parents were staying (it was in a pub with softplay attached - which was opposite ASDA) - I asked the mum if she wanted me to stay or if I could go do the weekly shop during the party time - I left my number and if she'd said she wanted me to stay I would have) - but I'm not sure I would have been completely comfortable with the staff only (possibly because I think my children would approach 'Betsi's mam' more easily than the person running the party

pomegranatefizz · 02/01/2020 22:03

Skipped through the thread but YNBU now you know birthday child's parent/guardian stays. I run children's parties (not pampering related) and over bearing parents are a nightmare. We don't have space for more than 2 adults to stay which is usually absolutely fine, we always ask for birthday parent anyway as I said but occasionally you get parents that won't leave, some that constantly stand behind their children and watch what they're doing, tell them how to do something differently (not how we're showing them!) constantly ask said child if they're having a good time or even bring in a younger sibling and then they try and get involved. It's such a pain, it's not fair on the other kids and it invalidates our insurance having younger children but even if you explain that they say don't worry we'll just watch - there's not enough room!

Sorry that was a total unpunctuated rant! CFs and it drives me crazy

leccybill · 02/01/2020 22:07

Some sneery folk here re the pampering. My 9 year old DD is as scruffy as you like, shower-averse and doesn't really get prettifying. But she likes hanging out with her mates and trying new things so she'd happily go along, I agree it's still part of play at this age.

Geraniumblue · 02/01/2020 22:20

I find them a bit strange. Dd (who dressed in boy’s clothes only until about age 10) actively disliked the only one I ever took her too. I think it served to illustrate all the things she was ‘supposed’ to like, like the rest of her girl friends, but did not. I’m not convinced it’s ‘just play’.

alphajuliet123 · 03/01/2020 00:46

Oh she's one of THOSE mums. I knew one - every single party she brought her other daughter along (she's married with family nearby so could have left kids elsewhere) and even had the cheek to grumble if there wasn't a party bag for her. Once she caused a massive argument with a party mum because the children were given prepacked party food boxes rather than a buffet. She tried to make each child give her youngest some food. When challenged with why she had to bring both girls she said it just wasn't fair for one to miss out on all the fun.

Sometimes it's no problem to bring extras, sometimes it's definitely not. 9 year olds do not want their baby sister tagging along, let alone to a pamper party. Too much like hard work - bin her!

Silverservice1011 · 03/01/2020 01:04

I'm quite laid back but I would expect at least one parent to be around. 9 is still young and immature. That and I think you need someone responsible for the kids incase they get a bit silly. The staff aren't there to babysit them

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/01/2020 04:26

I love your text. Did she reply?

CodenameVillanelle · 03/01/2020 07:57

Pamper parties for little girls are part of grooming them into the expectation that they need to be spending time on their appearance to be proper women.
Of course lots of girls enjoy them, because by the age of 9 girls are exposed to so much stuff on YouTube, television and at home to tell them that their value is in how pretty they are and spending hours creating make up looks is a normal use of women's time.
Hate on me for saying it if you like but that's the truth.

BackforGood · 03/01/2020 18:31

perhaps I’m old fashioned but I hate the idea of young girls having painted nails and spending their time “making themselves look pretty”. I think that it gives them distorted values of what is important in life.

I agree with @Mushypeasandchipstogo. I have 1 ds and 2 x dd (all much older than this now).
@leccybill - people holding a different opinion from yourself doesn't mean they are 'sneering' Hmm. Just means they hold a different opinion.

Absolutely @CodenameVillanelle

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 03/01/2020 20:18

Or alternatively

A young girl playing with make up experimenting with her is just that / playing, experimenting and a natural part of growing up. My DD does this occasionally but is also just as happy climbing a tree or bouncing a basket ball around. I think if there is balance it's absolutely harmless.

Bluerussian · 03/01/2020 22:51

I think manicures and pedicures are nice things for children to have as well as hair cuts and styles. It's all perfectly normal, if they didn't like it they would refuse point blank.

fargo123 · 04/01/2020 00:55

@Louise0701
Based on the follow up calls with the CF mother, do you think her plan was to sneak her 4 year old into the party while you were originally going to be in the restaurant when she was going to creepily watch through the window? But with you now actually being in attendance that's put the kibosh on that sneaky plan, hence her invited daughter now not attending?

UndertheCedartree · 04/01/2020 01:10

My DD has asked for a 'hair and nails' party for her 8th birthday? Nails painted, hair plaited and cucumbers on eyes. Is it really that bad? It's just a bit of fun at that age, surely? I don't do my hair, makeup or nails in general. But she likes me doing her hair or painting her nails sometimes. Quite a few in her class like it too. My DS liked it at that age too.

happycamper11 · 04/01/2020 02:44

@UndertheCedartree I don't really think it's that bad if that's what they want. I never do my hair or wear make up but I'd still appreciate a pamper. Just don't go for lunch and leave them all with a stranger unqualified in childcare lol

Original poster
Louise0701 · 04/01/2020 03:50

@UndertheCedartree but I’m not leaving them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise0701 · 04/01/2020 03:52

@fargo123 that’s exactly what I think.
To the PP who asked- no she hasn’t replied to my text but left both girls today at a party while she went and did a bit of shopping.. she posted on SM

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 04/01/2020 09:44

@happycamper11 thanks Grin
@louise - I know - hope they all have a lovely time Smile

Original poster
Louise0701 · 04/01/2020 09:54

@underthecedartree thank you! DD has woke up extremely excited!

OP posts:
Skyejuly · 04/01/2020 14:23

I never wear make up etc but I love a pamper too!