Eating only until tummy is full bollocks

[pjmask]

It's all gone too far. Lunch with dsis, bil and their kids in a local restaurant. Their DC order meals that are clearly going to be far too much just from the description. Before they have even started dsis is reminding them they don't have to eat all of it, or even any of it, just until their tummy tells them they are full.

They eat a very small amount of the most unhealthy, nutritionally void part of the meal then announce they are full. Fine. Then they order puddings five minutes later. I will not let my dc order puddings as they have also not finished their meals parroting "tummy says no" nonsense. I suggest we pop to the supermarket on the way home and get ice cream to enjoy later when tummy is not so full instead of wasting money and food buying puddings for four full children. Get told by bil in a rather patronising way that "in our house we choose not to battle over food"

A. What a total dick he is
B. Telling a child who is full to wait a couple of hours before pudding is not having a "battle" over food
C. They are sadly not the only people I've encountered recently who have over-embraced this mantra. For the record my eldest is 22 and I've never been a "clear your plate" sort of parent. The days of great aunt gertie holding your nose and forcing liver and onions in your mouth are hopefully gone! But there is a balance to be had surely, in teaching children not to overload their plates, over-order and simply to appreciate food (especially meat) and how easily available it is?

Aibu?

HoHoHoik - presumably your kid is seeing a dietitian for a reason ?

He's autistic and has a very limited diet with aversions to textures, flavours, etc.

OP you must know that you have two tummies, the savoury one and the sweet one, and there's loads more room in the sweet one

However, I would not let my child (or indeed my husband) order a big meal that I knew they would not eat. I'd suggest we shared a meal or had a smaller portion. Sometimes you don't know how big the portions are so waste is unavoidable but generally I order what I think I will eat, and expect my family to do the same.

YANBU. This is why we're turning into a nation of fat bastards who bleat about body shaming when they're a size 30 who exists solely on utter crap.

Order what you want but fucking eat it, or at least have a decent attempt at it. Ordering an impressive sounding meal bit only eating a handful of chips and then braying for a pudding makes me mad. Sadly, we live in a culture that thinks this is OK.

Issue 1: bill splitting
Were you alone with them?

When I split bills with relatives, we each pay in a proportion to the number of adults and children.

Issue 2: over ordering
I agree that is a problem if they know their kids won't eat most of what they ordered. I tend to ensure it's something they really want and I know they will eat.
Or take left overs home.

Issue 3: eating what they feel like
It's fine. I may feel I don't want more chips but feel like eating a portion of salad after them. It's often about types of food rather than amounts. And it's good if people eat less of each but a diverse diet.

It's difficult in restaurants because they tend to make set portions.

Fruit and yogurt are the only routinely offered second courses offered around here. The DC would not ask for chocolate ice cream firstly because they don’t generally like chocolate and secondly, because they know it’s not something we keep in the house.

I fail to see how you get from asking a child to attempt to eat some of their main course before asking for pudding is anywhere near akin to telling a child to clear a plate when they aren’t hungry. If they genuinely aren’t hungry, no harm done. I also think the current fad for allowing children to eat whatever they like is bonkers. Many of them will not make good choices (most adults can’t, so why should we expect children to be better); if what you really mean is that you think it’s acceptable for children to choose what they eat from a preapproved list of what the parent deems to be nutritionally acceptable then that’s entirely different, no?

If they just don’t fancy it, the sometimes that’s just too bad. I do take my children’s food preferences into account but I am not a short order cook and we budget and meal plan accordingly. That’s just part of family life.

Meals out are different, but I still don’t let my children order what they damn well please and then not eat it. If nothing else, it’s disgraceful wasteage.

I also tell mine to only eat until their tummies feel full. I was raised to always clear my (very large) plate. I developed a habit of over eating and became an obese child. My go to diet as a teenager, would be to stop eating. It's only when I hit my 20s that I started listening to my body. I stop eating when I feel full up. I would allow them a pudding at the end too, it's the highlight of a meal out.

YANBU. Can’t bear the waste.

Absolutely wouldnt use pudding as a "reward" for anything. Definitely reading any dieticians guide it suggests you dont make it into a battle/allow them to guide what they like.

At home we let them serve themselves so they learn not to overfil the plate. You cant choose portuon sizes at a restaurant so Id encourage them leaving food if full! Absolutely no point teaching them to stuff themselves...

Erm you are SO not being unreasonable.

Did nobody read the OP where the children are allowed to just not even touch their main course, that they have ordered, that will need to be paid for?

Would you let your children order something and tell them 'you dont' actually have to eat any of it if you don't want'? Would you order a meal that you had no intention of eating whatsoever?

Of course it's going to sound more enticing for a child to just pick at a couple of chips and then fill up on ice cream etc. I'm not talking about children with diagnosed issues around food, but neurotypical, non-food-avoidant children who've just decided that they can swing the lead because let's face it they don't pay for any of it and don't care about the nutritional value of what they eat so why should they make sensible choices?

I wouldn't necessarily say 'no pudding' just because a child hadn't eaten ALL their dinner but if they had made no effort to eat any of it and just said 'I don't want it' I wouldn't be offering up the cake and sweets.

OP I wouldn't be doing 50/50 though with her EVER again!

And yes divorce pudding from anything. We oftend do fruit/yoghurt but weekends/when out absolutely fun food!

One if my DC sees a dietician and the very first piece of advice during our first appointment was "don't make mealtimes a battle"

Yes I agree this is sound advice. My point is how so many parents take this to extremes (as evidenced on this thread) and fail to see a balance.

I think ice cream at home is a balance (not a punishment as suggested!) for children who were too full to eat their dinner. And if my child was struggling with their food at a meal I'd say "if you're getting a bit full just leave it or have a break for now" I wouldn't greet the arrival of the food with "don't forget you don't have to eat it all! You don't have to eat any! Just eat what you want!" This to me isn't balance. If you have a healthy relationship with food and model this to your dc, the message that you eat until you're full is already implicit anyway and doesn't need announcing!

Quite honestly, PJMask, I suggest you pour yourself a nice stiff drink or two, and ponder lessons suggested by this experience.

You could have objected to splitting the bill.
You could have asked for the leftovers to be bagged to be taken home.

Don't sit and fume - in future, speak up if you don't want to split the bill.

Don't let other people ruin your day as these people seem to have.
So SIL and BIL have different ideas about raising children from yours. This is their prerogative both as parents and as individuals who are not you.
And BIL came across as patronising - but maybe you were giving off cat's bum face vibes and killing the atmosphere of the meal out?

Give yourself one hour of rumination and then move on to pleasant stuff. Not everything is worth the nails you are spitting here.

I think parents can exercise common sense though. When the dc were younger I would often get one adult meal between the two of them eg if they both wanted fish and chips and the portions were huge.

I also discourage over ordering but with the proviso that if they are still hungry we can get more. There is never a requirement to clear your plate.

Totally on your side on this op. DD would, if left to make her own food choices, eat nothing but deep fried carbs and sugar.

We don't make meal times "a battle" (hyperbole much?) but we do tell her that she needs to eat four more bites of this, needs to eat all her carrot and cucumber sticks before she can eat any crisps etc, and she needs to have eaten a certain amount before she can declare herself 'finished' and be allowed pudding. She is fine with this.

She's a fussy eater. So was I, so was is DH. I was left at the dinner table for over an hour each night until I cleared my plate, DH was allowed to leave it all and eat white bread, primula squeezy cheese and ice cream. We're trying to find a healthy middle ground.

(Have to say though, in defence of my parents' methods, I now eat just about anything. DH is fucking useless with anything outside of the fats and carbs food groups.)

Eating out is a treat, not sure what the problem is.

We never order pudding out. I order something I will like as a main course and eat most of it as I’ve normally made sure I’m hungry. Never fancy a pudding after. I’m not very sweet toothed thought. But even my DC who are now teens don’t. When they were little they sometimes had some ice cream but usually were full.

I hate waste but couldn't get too wound up about a meal out on New Years Day.

Sounds like the children are well on their way to being overindulged delights

Yabu everyone parents differently, not encouraging them to eat nutritional foods and healthy portions is something I wouldn’t do personally but it doesn’t bug me when other parents are like this, I’m one who serves adequate portions and also encourage mine to eat a good amount of the portions, but we do also always have a dessert after our dinner meals in the house every day and if we eat out, I personally would not of agreed to pay half if I didn’t want too though

"Tummy"??

Was it din dins you were eating?

I have an acquaintance that likes to trot out the line about ‘not making mealtimes a battle’ and it’s ‘all about balance’ but her scales are way out of balance. You’re not supposed to balance crap with nutrient rich food!

Surprised by the amount saying YABU I don't think YABU at all.
My rule is if they try something and don't like it no problem, if they are full and done no problem but if they want pudding after being 'full' then it's a no as then there's room to finish the main meal and not waste it.
My son eats very well so I'd say it works and he often has a treat as he finishes his meals.

If I tell my dd it's time for bed as that's what food for her nobody tells me that in their house they "refuse to get into fights" about bedtime. They just accept its parents choice!

I don't really want to break this to you given how much the dessert thing upset you, but there are loads of people who 'don't do fights over bedtime', ie let their kids stay up (often watching tv/playing video games) as late as they like, no matter how overtired they'll be the next day. Ask any teacher.

Fiddlesticks
The OP is quoting a remark made to children so maybe they were having din dins.

It's a rare occasion we have a meal out so it's a special treat. However the kids menu is limited so I allow my children to order whatever they like off the menu as long as I know it is something they will like. If they eat some that's fine, want to leave room for a pud, that's fine too. What I wont do is make an occasional treat a food battle.

If you eat out all the time then that's different.