Eating only until tummy is full bollocks

[pjmask]

It's all gone too far. Lunch with dsis, bil and their kids in a local restaurant. Their DC order meals that are clearly going to be far too much just from the description. Before they have even started dsis is reminding them they don't have to eat all of it, or even any of it, just until their tummy tells them they are full.

They eat a very small amount of the most unhealthy, nutritionally void part of the meal then announce they are full. Fine. Then they order puddings five minutes later. I will not let my dc order puddings as they have also not finished their meals parroting "tummy says no" nonsense. I suggest we pop to the supermarket on the way home and get ice cream to enjoy later when tummy is not so full instead of wasting money and food buying puddings for four full children. Get told by bil in a rather patronising way that "in our house we choose not to battle over food"

A. What a total dick he is
B. Telling a child who is full to wait a couple of hours before pudding is not having a "battle" over food
C. They are sadly not the only people I've encountered recently who have over-embraced this mantra. For the record my eldest is 22 and I've never been a "clear your plate" sort of parent. The days of great aunt gertie holding your nose and forcing liver and onions in your mouth are hopefully gone! But there is a balance to be had surely, in teaching children not to overload their plates, over-order and simply to appreciate food (especially meat) and how easily available it is?

Aibu?

I personally think this is one of those occasions when it's six of one and half dozen of the other from the way you describe it, and up to a point both you and your BIL were at 'fault'.

Sometimes children's portions are too big, so unless it was a buffet or they ordered extras with their main meal, I don't see anything wrong with them not clearing their plates. I don't really agree with the premise that not eating a whole plate of food in a restaurant is wasteful because of that. I think not overeating is the lesser of two evils really.

I also think there wasn't anything wrong with your in-laws reminding them before they ate, that they don't have to clear their whole plate. It's very easy to eat quickly and mindlessly and fill up on food you don't really need. I know I certainly do that at times.

I also disagree that there needs to be a good reason to eat a pudding, such as having cleared your plate or still being hungry. Dining out is dining for pleasure, otherwise what is the point? The pudding is just for fun.

I think you might have irritated your BIL with the manner in which you suggested to him that you buy ice-cream on the way home instead - but I agree that they way he spoke to you wasn't wise and made him appear a bit superior.

I also agree it wasn't right of them to expect you to split the bill 50/50.

Perhaps if you eat out together in future it's better that you agree in advance to just pay for what you order?

YADNBU.

It sounds like they are too far one way, and you are a bit too far the other. In my opinion.

I try to get my kids to order an amount they are likely to eat and food they actually like - I’ve got one that’s fussy and one that is brilliant, who knows why (the good eater is the eldest).

I don’t ban pudding if they don’t finish mains, but tbh if they’d gone with “I’m so full”’after a tiny bit of main I would be thinking twice. The last two times we’ve eaten out they haven’t wanted pudding even though the youngest does have quite a sweet tooth (eldest also likes puddings but not her favourite part of the meal), but like you OP we might have it later.

I think the most annoying thing about your relatives was the twee language they use! “Tummy is full” (not envy). Also making anpoint of saying they didn’t have to eat it - why not wait and see if they say they are full after it arrives! Sounds like they were trying to annoy you tbh, but weird to use their dc as a pawn in that if so.

I think you have a point OP. They do seem a bit extreme. There is quite a big gap between 'you dont have to eat any more if you're full' and ordering something that is obviously going to be far far too much and telling them it's fine if they dont touch it. People also need to learn about anticipating how hungry they are going to be and not wasting food (eg I had a big breakfast and am not that hungry so I think I'll order a starter / side). Deliberately ordering food that you know you're going to throw away isn't a good habit to get into (well it's good for their health and bodies but shit for their wallet and the environment, when if they order what they think they might eat it's not bad for anyone)

I don’t know. In these chain restaurants the portions are huge even for children. If I made my dd eat everything on her plate she’d probably be sick. I usually order a child size for me if I can get away with it.

I usually order two child sized meals for us if I can, then spoon half of each food group from her plate (I.e part of the salad, chips, meat for example) onto my plate before she gets it.
She then has a portion which is reasonable for her without selectively filling up on the carb sections.

It also means I would get slightly more than the child portion and no one leaves anything as the portion sizes are correct (I can never finish an adult portion). We do this in a few places if we can it do d so t let an adult order a child portion even if it means wastage; she also likes things like tapas so it means meals are more of a sharing experience anyway.

If she finishes and has room then she can have a dessert and since we’ve bought 2 cheaper kids meals the costs come out pretty much the same for 2 kids meals and one dessert to share as it would for an adult meal and a child’s meal.

No idea why you're getting so many YABU responses OP - I think you make total sense, and your BIL sounds a bit o a knob. Also 'tummy'...

I’m with you OP. Probably more so at home than out, but I hate to see food going to waste. At home, I serve up an appropriately sized balanced meal, and I expect my kids to eat the lot. Maybe leave a tiny bit of they are full, but I haven’t bought and made this food to just chuck it in the bin. I wouldn’t be letting them enjoy a pudding if they hadn’t made a good attempt at the main course, and that doesn’t mean eating a few chips and leaving the expensive meat, or the veggies.

@panicovereveryone - is it? We only have dessert if we fancy it - probably about a quarter of the time. My DC are not like 'a kid in a candy store' because it is not forbidden fruit to them. They can have sweets when ever they want so they're no big deal and they only have them when they feel like it. Just anecdotally but it is the children whose parents withold desserts and 'treats' that are the ones loading up on the cakes and bicuits. at the kids parties.

I get where you're coming from. Say the child orders fish, chips, peas & sweet corn. Meal arrives, then pick only the chips and not one bite of anything else as they are 'full.' Proceed to want chocolate cake & ice cream as pudding. How is that self regulating or teaching good eating habits? It would gut me to waste nutritious food, and money. I'd expect them to have a little of everything.

It sounds like they are too far one way, and you are a bit too far the other. In my opinion

So my take on this is extreme

Havn’t you ever left some main course and ordered a pudding? You sound like a kill joy, who would want ice cream from the supermarket instead of a dessert in a restaurant? Would you?

I hate it when people treat children so differently to adults. By insisting plates are cleared to order a pudding you are forcing them to overeat. Madness.

YANBU

Yes, food shouldn’t be a major battleground but too full for dinner = too full for pudding in my book. We don’t insist on clear plates or eating anything they genuinely don’t like, but picking at a couple of chips, playing the “I’m full” card then eating a whole ice cream sundae 5 mins later is not on. I get that this was a special treat and it’s not the end of the world as a one-off, but if this is how it goes at home too then yes, I think they’re taking the dogma too far and the kids have learnt to take advantage of it!

She’s not suggesting they insist on plates being cleared, just a reasonable attempt made to at least try the dinner they insisted on ordering. I don’t think an adult could reasonably expect to pick at a chip or two and leave their entire dinner to waste, then order a huge pudding, and that be a normal and OK thing to do.

Just pay for yourselves from now on and you won't have all this drama. They have their way and you have yours and as long as you're not funding something that obviously riles you up, who honestly cares?

@HarrietSchulenberg why does being fat make you a "bastard" can you explain further?
This is the OP's sister Definitely sounds like food (whether eating too little or too much) was an issue in their family growing up.

She didn’t say her children had picked at a chip, she said her Dsis children ordered meals too large and didn’t do them justice. I am presuming op ensured her children ordered suitable meals as she is so wise.

I will not let my dc order puddings as they have also not finished their meals

Where does this say they needed to make a reasonable attempt at them, op says they couldn’t order puddings as they hadn’t finished their meals.

I am sure everyone on this thread has ordered a pudding whilst not finishing their meal.

I don't see why kids would differentiate between restaurant and supermarket dessert. Children are different to adults; I don't see why this isn't true or is a negative concept?

OP seems to have a major issue with her sister and bil’s parenting when it comes to food before this so I wouldn’t be surprised if the tone of her suggestion showed this and it was taken the wrong way.

If this is the first time OP has been out with them I could understand her annoyance with splitting the bill however if this wasn’t the first time then she is being unreasonable for continuing to eat out with them knowing their ways about food which she obviously disagrees with and is opposite of her own.

My dsd doesn't have to eat everything on her plate but of she thinks she can get pudding faster she will tell you she's had enough after about 1 bite. She's still not quite grasped lieing properly so when your ask her if she's actually full or just wants the pudding she will say she just wants the pudding.

We've stopped offering it most of the time as if she knows dinner is the only choice she will eat a sensible amount of actual healthy nutrious food.

Haha I fondly remember telling my
Mum how much pudding space I had left compared to dinner space

I loved my mums cooking, I didn’t always like food out so I used to pick at it. At home I’d eat loads. My mum would just order me something cheap, and small portions. 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Stefoscope are you for real, do you have children? Children love choosing desserts in a restaurant, it’s a treat just like it is for an adult. Far more exciting that a scoop of supermarket ice cream. What an odd thing to say, children are the same species as adults with the same thoughts and feelings, they’ve just breathed on earth for a little less time.

You seem over-invested in what your niece and nephew eat. By all means don’t split the bill in future, but it’s not up to you to decide what other people’s children eat.

"in our house we choose not to battle over food" what an utterly patronising twat. You should’ve said you don’t battle in your house either, your kids know the rules and stick to them.

In my house the kids have known the rules since they were born - leave any of your main course at all and there’s absolutely no pudding ever. They have never argued with this, and the rule applies to DH and me too. I absolutely abhor food waste, and so do the DCs. They know that in this country we are so lucky to have the food we do, and we shouldn’t take it for granted.

Your BIL is an idiot and making a rod for his own back. He’s pathetic to give into his kids like that.

YADDNBU OP and there is no way you’re too extreme. I wouldn’t have allowed them any more food until the next mealtime, no chance of any ice cream if they hadn’t eaten their dinner.

I honestly just disagree with the concept of “wasting” food as talked about on this thread. Once it’s been bought, cooked and paid for, you can’t send it to someone less fortunate. You can’t put the vegetables back in the ground or undo whatever pollution was caused by the truck it arrived on. That’s all gone, the only thing that changes based on whether you eat the food or not is your own health and comfort.

What’s wasteful to me is farmers having to throw out piles of wonky vegetables because consumers won’t buy them. That’s stuff that could have been used to feed people. Your kids leftover chips are not.

YANBU. I think it's fine to not eat every bite of a meal and have pudding on a nice meal out. I've done it myself if there is something I really fancy on the pudding menu. But I mean leaving the filling carby nonsense like chips not the nutritious fish/meat/veg/salad. And if a child had just picked at the actual nutrition and not really eaten a meal I would have no compunction in saying 'you clearly aren't actually hungry so you don't need a pudding'.

DD is 13 and often gets handed the adult menu. I am fine with her ordering off this but will ask her if she thinks she will eat most of it or not. If not, I will suggest she orders a starter and side to get a sensible amount of food that she actually wants to eat and she often says 'this sounds too big, can I see the kids menu?'

I would never tell a child they didn't have to eat any of what they had ordered! That's crazy, wasteful and wrong. It's awful to waste food and bad for the planet. It's stupid and wasteful to order more food than you want to eat. It's mad to order something and then not enjoy it. Better to order something you will enjoy and eat it all. Children should be supported to make sensible choices in a restaurant or at any other meal - choose something you will like, want to eat and think you can manage. And if you leave a bit but have made a good stab at having a balanced meal and eating a bit of everything, I am not going to be saying no pudding. What I am going to be saying, next time I'm in a restaurant with that child, is 'do you really want that because last time it was way too big for you?'

The 'we don't make mealtimes a battle' comment would have me raging too in the absence of any actual real issues, which are completely different. Passive aggressive nonsense.