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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil makes dh his tea

175 replies

legolegolegolego · 01/01/2020 20:32

Looking for some opinions on this and whether it’s a bit...well...weird or not! DH works shifts, finishing at 8pm. He’s in the habit of stopping by his mums on the way home from work where she gives him his tea. He then brings it home with him. Many times I’ve plated up a dinner for dh and he’s eaten his mums instead. Today I cooked a roast dinner (dc and I ate earlier) it was all plated ready and again he’s come home with a big plate of food from his mums. Aibu to feel like I needn’t have bothered? Should I be happy that she’s cooking his tea and I don’t have to? It just feels odd to me and I cant imagine going to my mums everyday for my tea at my age!

OP posts:
Katzia · 02/01/2020 00:51

The solution to this is to start actually having dinner with your husband. If your child is too young to eat later then feed your child and then you wait to sit down to a freshly cooked dinner with your husband where you chat about your day. A reheated plate of food is not welcoming or appetising for anyone, neither is eating alone. You plan the cooking time so that it is ready 20 minutes or so after he comes home to allow for a shower etc. I wouldn't dream of not eating dinner with my husband, regardless of when he gets home and it is often around 8 pm or after.

frazzledasarock · 02/01/2020 00:52

Until I started reading MN, I had no idea ‘men’ ike this even existed nor women who’d pander so much to said men.

If DP attempted this MIL would be sending him home with a flea in his ear, she’d be wanting to know why he isn’t cooking his own arsing tea and taking care of his family.
I cannot imagine any circumstance where MIL would feed her son knowing I and dc would be waiting for him at home and had a hot meal ready.

Can’t imagine DP, taking a detour to is mum every single day either let alone eating there/bringing one single plate of food home for himself.

Why are you with this wanker.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 02/01/2020 00:59

She isn't trying to tell you that you don't feed him. She IS telling you that he is her son first and your husband second.

Pixxie7 · 02/01/2020 01:09

If his mum lives on her own she may get pleasure from feeding her son and means that she cooks for herself. I wouldn’t take it to heart just ask him to let you know in future.

SilverySurfer · 02/01/2020 01:12

Tell him the next time he goes to his mother's instead of coming home to you, he should stay there.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 02/01/2020 01:15

My MIL used to cook dinner for poor skinny DH that I obviously wasn’t feeding when we 1st got married.

The blow up in which he may of been told I wouldn’t ever be having have sex again with a man still half wedged up his mothers vagina resulted in him telling his mother to stop smothering him and he was a grown man

ineedaholidaynow · 02/01/2020 01:20

Pixxie7 if she wants to cook for someone she could offer to cook a meal for the whole family, once in a while.

You cannot live your life through your adult children, you need to have your own life.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 02/01/2020 01:20

(Ahh over excited post finger)

He occasionally has what she cooks for his next day lunch and if it’s something delicious he will get enough for us both after he asked if I had anything planned or had started dinner.

Man children are not attractive but a home cooked not by you dinner occasionally is appreciated.

(He also is now appalled about all those things you need know to ‘Adult’ that he wasn’t taught. Like using a washing machine...)

AgentJohnson · 02/01/2020 01:34

Two women fighting over the affections of a man baby. Stop cooking for him.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/01/2020 01:37

Does his mother get overly involved with other aspects of your family life?

Rottnest · 02/01/2020 02:08

I agree with @frazzledasarock, its time for your husband (mummy's boy) to grow up and cut the apron strings.

brassbrass · 02/01/2020 07:13

katzia have you read the thread? It's not the 1950s and OP doesn't live in Stepford though it sounds like you do!

willowmelangell · 02/01/2020 07:46

Parcel up all those plates and drop them off to his mothers. 'We won't be needing these anymore, thank you.' Explain to dh he is a husband and father and you expect him to come to come home after work.
Only you can nip this in the bud. Mil won't, she feels needed. He won't, he is being treated like a king.

Newmetoday · 02/01/2020 08:07

Wish people would stop saying ‘mummy’s boy’. You wouldn’t take the piss out of a woman being close to her mum.

Inforthelonghaul · 02/01/2020 08:16

It might not be your MiL who is the ringleader in this, you don’t actually know what your DH told his mother after the burger incident. It seems to me you have two choices. Talk to your MiL and tell her your H is being a tool and can she just stop playing along or go with it, stop including him in mealtimes and tell him you assume he’s being fed elsewhere.

Either way I doubt your H is blameless in this tbh.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/01/2020 10:00

Newmetoday I hope when DS becomes an adult and leaves home we will still be close. But I wouldn’t be impressed if he came running to me to say he was starving because his wife hadn’t fed him a big enough meal, and I certainly wouldn’t be sending him home every evening with a meal.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2020 11:30

Wish people would stop saying ‘mummy’s boy’. You wouldn’t take the piss out of a woman being close to her mum.

I would if she went round to her mummy's for tea everyday instead of to her husband and children.

Not to mention the kicking off when the dinner wasn't 'plated' ready when he got home.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/01/2020 13:40

Indeed. Mother and adult dd being close = adult relationship. Mother treating adult ds like a little child = weird, unhealthy relationship. Hence referring to an adult man as a 'boy' and his mother as 'Mummy'.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2020 13:47

It's odd and your DH sounds like a right Mummy's boy. Why can he not making his own food? Stop cooking for him.

thesuninsagittarius · 02/01/2020 13:47

I used to be married to a sulking man-child like this. His mum treated him like he was a toddler all his life and that's how he behaved. He couldn't understand why I didn't run round after him like mummy and it was sulks or tantrums when he felt I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing. I just wish I'd realised earlier that he was never going to get his balls out of mummy's handbag and divorced him before we had kids.

Loveislandaddict · 02/01/2020 14:18

In one sense, it’s actually quite nice that dh calls in and sees his ma everyday. But maybe going forward, you need to lay down some ground rules. Ie. Say from no onwards that you will be cooking, and maybe only have a cuppa and a slice of cake. If he protests that she likes cooking for him, maybe explain that you feel dis-respected that he eats there first whilst you have cooked. Maybe arrange that she cooks once a week, not everyday.

LittleMissTeacup · 02/01/2020 22:48

Ask him to bring some for you all if she wants to cook?!

Sparklesocks · 02/01/2020 23:22

Ugh sorry OP but I would hate this. I have very little tolerance for grown able bodied men who still need their mummy to cook and clean for them. Instant turn off, and also implies he’d rather spend more time with her than his wife and child.

Lolapusht · 02/01/2020 23:36

Why does he not eat it at his mum’s?! How far away does she live that he can carry his dinner?? Of course, if he ate it there he couldn’t dramatically flounce in with his emergency food rations Hmm

anon2000000000 · 02/01/2020 23:43

My husband did this after our ds was born.
They were both told on day 3 that she either cooks for me too or her food goes in the bin. It never happened again and he came straight home from work on day 4. We moved further away a year later when she went a crazy on us about ds and the choices we made as parents.