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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil makes dh his tea

175 replies

legolegolegolego · 01/01/2020 20:32

Looking for some opinions on this and whether it’s a bit...well...weird or not! DH works shifts, finishing at 8pm. He’s in the habit of stopping by his mums on the way home from work where she gives him his tea. He then brings it home with him. Many times I’ve plated up a dinner for dh and he’s eaten his mums instead. Today I cooked a roast dinner (dc and I ate earlier) it was all plated ready and again he’s come home with a big plate of food from his mums. Aibu to feel like I needn’t have bothered? Should I be happy that she’s cooking his tea and I don’t have to? It just feels odd to me and I cant imagine going to my mums everyday for my tea at my age!

OP posts:
Spotsandstars · 01/01/2020 22:07

Sorry this is super weird! Once a week, no problem. More than that it's really really bizarre. I couldn't live in a 3 person marriage.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/01/2020 22:09

STOP cooking for him... he is getting fed at Mommy Dearests Grin

managedmis · 01/01/2020 22:10

Does she cook incredible ethnic food or something?

Weenurse · 01/01/2020 22:12

Passive aggressive wanker

katseyes7 · 01/01/2020 22:13

My ex MIL used to do something like this. When l was on early shifts, we'd car share to save petrol. l used to drop my husband off at work and when he finished work he'd walk round to his parents house (about a 10 minute walk) and l'd collect him from there when l finished about twenty minutes later.
Almost invariably he'd be eating a fried egg sandwich or something similar when l got there. She'd offer him one, and he'd say yes, despite the fact that we'd be eating not long after when we got home.
Then of course when we got home l'd be hungry (having been up since 5am and having had my lunch about 4-5 hours earlier) and he'd moan about me wanting to eat then because he wasn't hungry!
lt was ridiculous. lf l wasn't at work he'd go there after work (with his car) and he'd stay there for hours. lt was in the days before mobile phones, and they didn't have a phone. l never knew what time he'd be coming home. lt was like he had another woman.
l never actually got to the bottom of it.

MsPepperPotts · 01/01/2020 22:24

Exh was like this...He went to his DM's usually for both breakfast and lunch after I had taken him to work at 5.15am every morning.
He also used to have a nap whilst he was there in-between delivering his RM parcels.
Then he came home about 1pm and slept most of the afternoon.
Then twanged on his guitar for a bit just before me arriving home at 6ish(I had been at work since 7.30am) waiting for me to cook the evening meal.
I had the flu one week and was too rough to cook so he went and stayed at his DM's because he wasn't doing the cooking for me and him.
Very shortly after I took him back home to his DM permanently and was so glad to see the back of his lazy arse.
A couple of years later he married another(surrogate mother) and did the same with her.
Just heard recently she's took him back to his DM's again permanently and they're getting divorced. He's just turned 60!! Yep DM's still be cooking for him all these years.

Greenwingmemories · 01/01/2020 22:24

Wow there's fault on both your DH and your MiL's sides. No way would I put up with my sons moaning to me about the meals their wives had been good enough to cook for them. I haven't had meals regularly prepared for me when I got home since I was sixteen but funnily enough I've managed to hold down jobs and eat well.

But your DH is being really disrespectful to you OP. It's the kind of thing to really hold your boundaries over. I'm all for men being close to their families but they should be independent, functioning adults at the same time.

katy1213 · 01/01/2020 22:26

So whatever happens, he eats a re-heated, 'plated-up' dinner? Doesn't sound very appetising to come home to. I'm surprised he doesn't eat it fresh at his mum's.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/01/2020 22:27

He told his Mummy on you because his dinner wasn't big enough? What a throbbing hunk of hero you've landed yourself there!

Your MIL isn't the cause of the problem but she is certainly prolonging it. I'd be thinking carefully about how worthwhile it would be for me to fight this battle, to be honest. I mean, it's not like I'd ever want to have sex again with a man who went crying to Mummy every time he didn't get his own way.

ineedaholiday11 · 01/01/2020 22:27

This is so strange.

From a food waste (and passive aggressive) point of view I'd stop cooking for him entirely. However, that will just ultimately damage your relationship further.

It's pretty pathetic (of him) to have gone running to mummy previously when he felt like he wasn't left enough food. I presume he has limbs and could have made something to go with the burgers he was disappointed with? Sounds like he is a giant man child.

ineedaholiday11 · 01/01/2020 22:28

By the way your MIL isn't your problem it is your husband that is the problem and has stoked the fire.

Teddy1970 · 01/01/2020 22:34

There's a load of MILs out there who love indulging the prodigal (sp?) son, mine included, I'm sure it really annoys her I don't wait on her son hand and foot. Why do they think their sons are so bloody helpless?

LizB62A · 01/01/2020 22:36

Just stop cooking for him, what a tosser....

Singlenotsingle · 01/01/2020 22:42

When my DS was in his early teens his best mate lived a few doors away. The boys would call in at the mate's house on the way home from school, and the mother had made dinner for the 2 boys. My DS would eat there, and then eat again at our house. He was tall and had hollow legs. Sometimes she'd come knocking on our door, and bring his dinner. I didn't mind, and we're still friends now even though the boys are both grown up and married.

WaggleWiggle · 01/01/2020 22:55

Don’t cook for him. I probably wouldn’t have sex with him either, tbh. Mummy’s boys certainly kill the appeal somewhat.

Dontsayfuckorbugger · 01/01/2020 23:06

After Burgergate I think I'd just let him carry on and just cook for myself and DC. He's being a tosser and he knows it. Pretend you dont care and see if it stops. If not pack him a suitcase and perhaps he can go for a sleepover aswel

Shesalittlemadam · 01/01/2020 23:08

Contact his mum and tell her to stop wasting her effort & money on food for your kitchen bin/dog!!!

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/01/2020 23:13

The problem here is that you don’t eat with him. Appreciate you need to feed the kids but why can’t you wait to eat dinner with your DP? If it’s just a choice between two reheated meals of course he’s going to choose the bigger portion - I know I would. But if there was a nice family meal to come back to (even if it was just with my partner) I would choose them everytime.

lexiepuppy · 01/01/2020 23:23

It sounds like you have a mother enmeshed man on yoir hands.

Buy the book: When he's married to Mom. Kenneth M Adams.

I was married to an abusive, narcissistic mummy's boy. She had complete control over him and used him as a surrogate husband.
If she could have walked down the aisle instead of me , she would have been there like a shot.

Good luck. Flowers

Fatted · 01/01/2020 23:28

Just stop cooking for him OP, problem solved.

lisag1969 · 01/01/2020 23:31

It wouldn't bother me. I'd let him go every day. Saves you doing it. X

ConnorRipley · 01/01/2020 23:35

The night after that was when he came home with food from his mums as I had “forced” him to ask his mum to feed him as I wouldn’t feed him. Ffs.

This would have been the point for me when my vagina would’ve sealed itself shut.

Dementedmagpie · 01/01/2020 23:36

I cant imagine why he wouldnt text to let you know, although I think its unreasonable he doesn't come straight back most nights.
My DH often works late (sometimes he gets home at 10.30 - I don't wait for him to eat!) and never eats with our DC during the week. I usually check with him if he wants so nothing left out, although sometimes he let's me know if he had a big lunch or has picked up something to eat at work.

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2020 23:40

It definitely feels passive aggressive to me. It’s like she’s trying to say that I won’t feed her son. This started after an argument where I told dh we were having burgers for tea, when he got home they weren’t plated up and had shrunk so were really small. He then had a massive strop over how I hadn’t made him food and how tiny the burgers were even though he wouldn’t wait for the chips and sides etc. The night after that was when he came home with food from his mums as I had “forced” him to ask his mum to feed him as I wouldn’t feed him. Ffs.

I'd send him home to his mummy permanently.

EthelMerman · 02/01/2020 00:40

I’m with @Nanny0gg in this. Send him home to his mummy permanently.

I get that finishing a shift at 8pm means he can’t eat with you and the DC or you’re all eating very late. But what happens on his days off, does he actively join in with family life? If not, send him packing. His mother is complicit in his bad behaviour and isn’t in your corner as she didn’t tell him to grow up. If she wants him, I’d say give him back.

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